Non-Borderline Support thread.....

MrsCammy wrote:Thanks for your response. It’s such a complex situation that only those with experience of being around those with BPD understand it.

Ultimately this is the most important matter, and the only thing that really matters because if you are struggling to get your own head clear (and everyone in your position does), it's impossible to sort out his head. It still will be impossible if/when you do, but at least there is a chance you can sort out how this affected you, and how to feel okay again.

Hello,

I joined this forum today to hopefully get some support, my partner has borderline personality disorder and quite narcissistic strong traits. I'm also aware of my own traits from my family as I am from a dysfunctional family and have been the scapegoat for quite some time. I really hope I don't bore too many people with my post, but having no one to talk to about I feel I need to get my feelings out and share them with other people who will hopefully understand.

I've been speaking to a Councillor for the past year who has told me I have been making great progress, especially in the areas of standing my ground politely and basically sticking up for myself. Since a very young age I've always struggled with that, I'm from a family where the blame was always put on me and I accepted that for quite a long time. Recently I've begun to realise quite a few things that I could really do with some support for.

Firstly, I am aware of my own ego and my own habits and traits from my Father, when I am on automatic I have a strong tendency to interrupt people and thats something I am trying to fix and that I am conscious of. However, I've noticed a lot of problems especially in my relationship with my other half.

Since 4 years back we've both had our own battles and issues, we both came out of marriages where we got hurt so it made sense and it took a lot of time to try and get into a really good space which we have been a lot but recently something has really upset me.

To cut a long story short, my sister basically ruined our Christmas, and unfortunately it was done on purpose because we spent it with my parents for years. Due to this she phoned during our Christmas Dinner, sent constant text messages, called, and then demanded to know what time my parents needed fetching. After my father told her they didn't need a lift she showed up to the door, it was pretty insane. My parents didn't back me up as per usual, and so I texted her politely but diplomatic as I've been learning to stick up for myself recently and told her she had upset us quite a lot, and why didn't she just call or text me to arrange these things as its my house and it was pretty rude. The text message I sent was just completely ignored which left me feeling hurt and sad.

For 3-4 days following this I struggled, maybe it brought some old childhood wounds up within me that I always knew were there but it hurt and I shut down a lot, in an effort to try and come to terms with it and "feel" what I was feeling rather than running away from my own feelings which is something I've been guilty of doing for a very long time.

Due to this shut down, my other half lost the plot. She kicked off like she used too in a complete rage and told me I was being selfish, however our relationship given her condition has always been extremely challenging for me as I feel like I'm often there to listen to her, give her attention and when I don't here comes the crying tantrums.

Its weird because this time I stood my ground. I told her that I was sorry I couldn't support her emotionally because I was dealing with my own feelings instead of running away from them and that I wouldn't be made to feel ashamed of doing that. It was a few days where I just needed my own way of coping to work my way through this and it made me realise because I wasn't acting how she wanted to me there was hell to pay. I've not backed down since even though we've had two days of arguments all of which are instigated by her in an attempt to try and get me to concede, but for me its not a game its about being true to myself and authentic and all of this has made me question the relationship and whether I am there just for narcissistic supply. She has borderline personality disorder so once the anxiety sets in, I get accused of chatting to women online even though I don't chat to a single female, her mind goes into paranoid overdrive and me having "time to myself" to come to terms with my feelings all of a sudden means that I'm treating her like dirt and like she's nothing. Its a difficult situation because even though she is complex, when she verbally lays into me its impossible for me to be loving and supportive, I would understand if it was something smaller but given its my family and my sister, and I find all of that side of things incredibly hard to deal with I can't possibly be all loving when someone is attacking me verbally. I also feel like I need to be true to myself, she told me that because I've been quiet and upset the last few days about my family situation that this is a form of abuse, but how could that possibly be when all I have done is tried to emotionally come to terms with the hurt I feel and feel it rather than running away from it, it was about me dealing with it properly. Is anyone else in my position, I'm wondering whether this relationship just isn't healthy for me as the moments I look after myself, I'm punished for them.