Spouse with Delusional Disorder

I've found this website to be really helpful (in addition to these forums): https://askthepsych.com/atp/2008/10/31/ ... -disorder/

On the list of "things you can do" from the above article is this:

"Excessive brain dopamine (a neurotransmitter) is very uncomfortable and produces many more symptoms other than paranoia and delusions. He will have problems with sleep, concentration, agitation, tremors, and a sense of being “wired”. When these are mentioned, suggest that he seek consultation with a physician."

I read somewhere else on here that at least one person's delusions were due to undiagnosed lyme disease. Sleep problems, tremors, the possibility of lyme disease however slim - these are all potential avenues to get him to a doctor, one you may be able to clue in ahead of time about the delusions. You have to, otherwise the doc may never pick up on it. Make the trip all about the medical part as opposed to the psychological. Ideally (I know this is pie in the sky) there'd be a psychiatrist in the same office so that as soon as the MD suggests a "specialist" (i.e., the psychiatrist) it could happen immediately. Total long shot but if you live where a lot of medical services are available it may have happened once. It may not work but then again it might, if the medical professionals doesn't become a target for his delusions.

It has been a decade since I posted regularly to this forum. I,like many others here, ended a decades long marriage because my husband became delusional, jealousy type (with paranoia, he thought I was not only cheating on him but trying to poison him also). Then yesterday I came across this movie from 1951, Cause for Alarm. Wow. It is on You tube, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9PoG_kaT-g. Check it out.

Dear Faithful,

Thanks for your post. I just finished watching "Cause for Alarm." A bit chilling to see some of the sad similarities but comforting in a way as well. I too divorced my delusional spouse after years of mental abuse. I have since remarried. My ex remains in my life as we share 4 daughters. However, as time goes by, it gets better (in a civilized way) and the fighting and accusations have faded .... but they will always linger and haunt my memories.

SMITHYWISE and SORT_OF_COPING, forgive me for taking so long to reply. Thank you both. I’m not disagreeing with either of you. However, after almost losing her in ’09, everything else pales by comparison. I understand and appreciate the significance of proper treatment. I just don’t want her quieted… I want her cured. I want her back. Unfortunately, the problem for some DDers, as in her case, is that they have no problem. The problem isn’t theirs, but everybody else’s. Such is the case with my Lady Love. Even though twice she’s been diagnosed as having DD, she hasn’t been convinced. There’s always a chance that the doctors that diagnosed her were part of the grand conspiracy.

<After all that we’ve been through, I find myself blessed and appreciative that she’s in my life in any capacity. In 2009, when she would leave the house and call me later, distraught and lost, I lived in my own private fear. At any given time, she could have opened a door or turned a corner and been lost and/or gone forever. So, in the big picture, maybe just my big picture every obstacle and challenge since then has become a small one to me, no matter what the disappointment is.

<I’ve learned to live with disappointment. Throughout this whole ordeal, I’ve found a lot of disappointment.

<When she was at her worse, I tried to get her some help, but found myself helpless in the doing so. I was so afraid that I wouldn’t be able to contain her. She’d get in the car and call me. She’d be lost over a hundred miles away from home. I became disappointed that there wasn’t an agency to help me get help for her by having her declared in need of help.

<I became disappointed when I’d taken the keys to all of our cars and the police said I couldn’t legally restrict her access to her property, our cars and keys, since she hadn’t been declared.

<I became disappointed, even though I somewhat try to understand, when visits by our children became less frequently and shorter in duration.

<I became disappointed when family and dearest of friends chose to ignore her problem, rather than acknowledge it. As if acknowledging it would obligate them to do something.

<I became disappointed and deflated in our former city when my wife and I made a deal. If she were to agree to getting evaluated at this particular psychological testing facility and not attempt to test flat, we’d follow the results of the evaluation. If the results indicated that she needed medication she’d take the medicine (just to get me off of her back). If the results showed nothing was wrong with her, I’d have to drop the subject forever more.

<She appeared to be serious and honest about wanting to get it over with. She even called and made the appointment herself. She seemed to even be concerned about getting help if she indeed needed it. Still, she’d duped me before and I had and have become hesitant to trust her promises. When we arrived, my wife was uneasy and asked if I could sit in for the interview before the evaluation. A few questions into the interview, the doctor (?) asked my wife why was she there? My wife seemed puzzled and hesitated. Then she said, “Because he wants me to get evaluated.”

<The doctor (?) asked: “Who? Your husband?”

<My wife nodded. The doctor asked: “Do you think anything is wrong?”

<My wife said, “No. He said I should get evaluated.”

<The doctor went on to explain the law and their policy. I became agitated and tried to explain, but to no avail. To my wife this was her certificate of a clean bill of health.

<Just like that, it was over.

<Disappointed as I am… I’ve learn to live with it.

<The toll that it’s taken on me doesn’t matter and it has taken a toll. I get stressed; I get depressed, but I can’t get tired. I can’t give up. The hardest part for me was accepting my new role as caregiver rather than husband. It’s my duty to take care of her, nobody else will put up with the steady stream of accusations. It used to upset my stomach when she would rage at me for something she’d imagined. Now, I just forgive her and keep going. Sometimes I have to forgive her a thousand times a day, but that’s okay. As I love her million times more than that.

<Now, our lives are somewhat muddled by her religious delusions, jealous delusions and bouts of paranoia, but it’s far better than it was in 2009 and 2010. That was the worst of it. However, when I think deeply about it, I can see signs of it much earlier that I thought, though subtle. I’d incorrectly pinpointed it as beginning in the early 2000s after we experience a severe trauma, a loss of a child and my mother (whom my wife was very close to), but I can see the jealousy and bouts of paranoia much earlier. For instance, she’s never misplaced anything, someone’s taken it. That’s one of the very small things that I noticed, but it never raised an alarm. Since, I too, am a jealous possessive person, I’ve long overlooked her jealousy, even when it became more pronounced. However, it caught my attention when it became alarming to the place where she’d become accusatory everyday. Somebody was coming on to me or vice versa everyday. Multiple times a day. Everywhere.

<Again, it’s all small compared to the risk of losing her completely. Even here on this board, so many have lost their DD loved ones, because the DDer has opened that door or turned that corner. My heart goes out to you.

A couple of weeks ago, I returned to the Delusion Disorder Forum board to amend my last post and couldn’t find the topic. I did a search and apparently the topic had been moved to the Significant Others, Family & Friends Forum board, a support board. I didn’t post my amendment that night. Actually, I became a little agitated. In 2009, when I was looking for help dealing with my wife’s Delusion Disorder, I purposely didn’t settle in on the general mental health boards nor the mental health support boards. I was looking for a board specifically for Delusion Disorder. As infrequently as I’ve posted over the years, I come back and read other topics . I’ve always been able to take something away from the Delusion Disorder board and sometimes I've contributed. I feel I’m part of the Delusion Disorder board and feel a sense of comradery with the loosely knitted group of posters that are always in and out. Now, I feel all of that has been diluted by moving posts and topics and lumping them together under the umbrella of a general support board.

'm crying for days. my delusional/schizophrenic boyfriend left me a month ago. we've been together 10 years. all was well, ups and downs as in all relationships (he never been so regoular person anyway), until two years ago he had a psychotic break. he began having paranoid of any kind, then began to believe he is a chosen one, who would become a famous CEO of large multinationals, which would have to marry a celebrity,he was spied on like the big brother, that there were people who were following him, that he communicated with "them" through the newspapers/tv with coded messages ... he left me and we were separated for five months. then, with great effort, I tried him closer and rebuild a relationship but he was lost, he was no longer the same person and he would not ever again. I have been for more than a year with a person who spoke ONLY about things do not exist and exist only in his mind. i try to remain neutral when he told me that they read his mind through the wifi (wifi has taken away from his house for that reason) has been a huge effort for me. I developed a depression, post-traumatic disorder, I became ill myself. and I'm 30 years old only. in december it seemed to be back to normal ... I was so happy but at the same time i was suspicious and i was afraid when he make strange smiles in front of the television...it was a LIE. he really was not back to normal, he was just pretending because he realized that I was sick of it. the first days of january, his mood changes, he becomes angry and begins to talk about conspiracies in the ads and tell me i'm stupid because I do not believe it. we fight a day and he tells me that I'm going crazy. I get angry and tell him that the crazy one is not me. and he tells me "not to try to compare what has happened to him, because what happened to me it's all true!" so I understand that nothing has changed ... a few days later he left me saying that he does not love me and never loved me, accusing me of the misery of his life, I am not intellectually stimulating and other #######5 stuff. WHAT THE HELL. but i can't argue, cause it's true. if you talking just of immaginary things, it's impossibile have connection with him. i'm destroyed. my life is destroyed. and I hate his parents to the bone because they did not anything and they left me alone to handle this situation. he deleted me and not tried to contact me and I have done the same. he live alone, his parents pay rent and bills and he has not worked for three years. how it's possibile they do not understand that our child should be helped? how can they be so selfish?

Good link. Backs my experience.

Im relieved and dissappointed to discover this forum. I suffered alone. The isolation and very unique consequences wrought as a result of this disorder changed my life for the worse. I cant help but resent the ENTIRE world as a result of this experience. My initial impressions were that this hell was a unique fate I had to suffer in Isolation, which no one would ever appreciate or understand. All readily available evidence and professional advice led to that conclusion. I see now I am not alone, but i also see that it is too late for me to ever find happiness in this life again. To know my pain and isolation is to know the limitless anguish and suffering possible in this world. Dont believe me? Please prove me wrong.
I knew nothing of this Disorder until a few years after losing everything I cared for or loved. I happened upon the testament of someone with similar experinces to mine, but it was too little too late. Please, please someone show me that I am wrong to believe there is virtually nothing in this world capable of causing the intense pain, isolation, and resentment which now define my life. I suspect only one other experience can seemingly approach this level of anguish: The death of a beloved. Yet I cant help but note that when a child or spouse passes away, they are by definition gone, existing only as memories to those who loved or knew them.
My lost loved one remains a part of this Earth. I know she will always love me as deeply as I love her; however, I also know she will always believe I have betrayed her habitually and extensivley. Only I will ever know or truly appreciate the reality underlying this tragedy. She will continue to intermittenlty attempt to convince my parents, her parents, our friends, our colleagues, and even my supervisors of my alleged and persisitent infidelity. My great personal satisfaction and immense pride at being faithful to her and every other lover in my entire life has now given way to the honest recognition that such a childish, cringe-inducing, painful, willfully ignorant and naive sentiment such as that deserves to be deconstructed and destroyed. Those who see love in this world do so at their own great risk.
This conclusion is beyond doubt and gut wrenchingly apparent to anyone attempting even the most modest research into this subject. My ex wife and I would have suffered far, far less had I actually been unfaithful. Regardless of whatever my intentions were or the amount of respect and esteem I held for her- I have suffered a far, far worse fate than what was possible if I had been willingly and maliciously unfaithful to her. I lost my beloved wife due to her unwavering yet delusional belief in my serial infidelity, as well as personal pride in my history of romantic loyalty. Both are equally responsible for what resulted. What a terrible fool I was and am. Id give anything to go back and be whatever jerk she thought I was, if thats what being her man meant and what would have kept our family together.
Im not superhuman, hindsight is 20/20, and as for the cruel fate that is now my life- What else could possibly happen when a woman suddenly, confidently, and persistently declares that she is a victim of serial infidelity? There is no hope or happy ending. Her exclamations were consistent, plausible, and detailed. Her conviction, her belief in vague but pausible details, and her trustworthy reputation means NO ONE will EVER, EVER, EVER consider I might be telling the truth. I will appear to be a lying asshole in the eyes of all mutual friends and family. I will also appear to be so in the eyes of anyone I foolishly try to confide in or trust enough to share the truth with. Period. Period. Period. Period. I and others sharing my fate are now permanently alone and isolated. I am the man who cheated repeatedly and malicously on the nicest woman who ever lived, and i will never be able to prove otherwise. Most importanly and consequentially, and even if I might manage to transcend my ironic and totally unfounded new reputation- I will NEVER forgive myslf for failing my wife and family in such a cowardly and spectacularly selfish fashion. What kind of asshole would trade the well being of his wife and family for his own happiness and pride? The kind of pridefull asshole that never deserved such happiness in the first place. I will always know I could have endured more anguish, could have swallowed more pride, and could have done more to keep my family together. True or not I will always be that jerk who betrayed his wife or that spineless coward who gave up on her, himself, and his family.
In my experience (from 2009 to2012 when I was about 35years olds) and as far as I could tell at the time, no soul on Earth knew the nature of the anguish, heartbreak, and grief which I lived daily.
I was and am a medical professional. I thought I was well read, well traveled, and well educated. I believed I had learned to become insightful, considerate, and compassionate- despite a traumatic, rough and tumble adolesence in inner city Los Angeles which taught me long ago to expect no happiness from this life. I can tolerate no literature that lacks the appropriate degree of tragedy required to accurately portary the world I grew up in.
Yet this thing, this experience which destroyed my life and optimism is far beyond any pain or suffering ever imagined by Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, Hemingway or Kafka.
Over the last few years as my ex-wife lost her hold on reality and lost her belief in my loyalty, I had no choice but to eventually conclude and accept that not even my parents or oldest friends could ever be expexted to fully believe what I had to say. I know this is true because even I doubted my story at first:
"Nice to meet you Dr. Such and Such, Im here because I need your help to make sure I don't have a split personality or other problem that could cause me to not recall numerous and specific infidelities which my wife insists are real and indisputable. My wife possess' no doubt that I am living under multiple identities, for the purpose of infidelity and adultery"
I know now that making such a request from a therapist will eventually lead to telling a family court judge something which will be heard as: "Your honor, My wife is having delusions in regards to my fidelity, Please believe me and have sympathy for my unbelievable and ridiculous assertions".

I now live only to prevent creating a life more painful for our son than it already is. I no longer want any part of this world, or its foolish and empty promises for love and happiness. It can all burn to ashes as far as im concerned. I now know for certain that this world promises 1% of us to experience a level of pain which the other 99% could never imagine and are gauranteed to never know or witness. The sooner I leave this LIE behind the better, but Ill keep pretending for the sake of my son. As a result of all this I hate life and the human race in its entirety. I refuse to love again and I choose to resent all other people for their fortune in never knowing the pain I live every day.

Seriously, everyone believes her? And your self-worth is that dependent on what others think? I find this very hard to believe. My ex told everyone I was unfaithful, and no one who knew me believed a word of it. I was asked, "What is wrong with him?" I told people. I emailed them about delusional disorder, told people when he was on medication and being treated by a psychiatrist (all to no avail). I'd always been known as an honest person, and the people who knew me knew that. I remember well how horrible this was when I was going through it, how I too wondered if I was somehow blacking out and not remembering what I'd done. But that was short-lived.
Please see a counselor who is familiar with DD and talk this through. I am 12 years post-divorce, and believe me, it does get better. It has left me pretty unable to trust people quickly. I know now that people can seem normal and be absolutely bat-shit crazy, and I can't unlearn that. But I also know I am a good person, an honest person, and that cannot be taken from me by one person's words.

Faithful:

No, not everyone. My closest friend has witnessed some of the rare occassions when I actually needed to clumsily avoid or awkawardly refuse overt physical affection from women, so he can confidently appreciate the truth. Maybe my parents likely can feel confident Im not lying because they were a daily part of our lives throughout this and as such witnessed my committment, frustration and angst as it occurred plus where there to witness my demanding daily work/college/home routine at that time. Anyone else would be naive to confidently believe I was telling the truth and that is the burden I wanted to describe. As you might suspect, the fact is that nearly everyone else I felt comfortable sharing with was polite and avoided expressing belief one way or another. I misarticulated and wrongly prioritized my concerns about the opinions others may or may not hold.

Whats important is that I am very deeply pained and still troubled that the woman I cherished, was committed to, sacrificed willingly for, who loved me and did the same for things for me, came to believe I could and did betray her so hurtfully. In reality what anyone else believes is irrelevant and trivial in comparison; however, there is a persistent isolation and sense of seperation I feel towards everyone else as a result of this experience. My ex wife gave no one any reason to doubt her beliefs at all. She is an independent, smart, practical, and educated person, which in my opinion justifies a modicum of trust in assertions like the ones she was making to our friends and families. I would have little doubt if a friend of similar character related a story like hers to me. I would consider it naive to strongly doubt the reasonable suspicions of any married person like her. Despite my experiences I cant deny the probablility that when any reasonable person suspects monkey business then most likely they are on to something. This is the cruel irony of DD and probably uniquely so.

It doesnt matter one bit, but for the sake of context I was in my mid 30's, and although Im not very attractive in the face I am more than 6 feet tall, lean, athletic, and articulate. Ive got blue eyes, light hair, and still have all of it. Im awkward but friendly and I am a well paid, uniquely skilled, and self taught health care professional. I'm the type of guy who is just barely lucky enough to earn the affections of a beautiful, smart woman like her that is way out of my league. This stuff is only relevant because I think it means that it would be very easy to imagine I'm also the type of guy seemingly likely to screw up like that. So yeah I'm pretty sure any rational person who hears all this but knows nothing of DD is right to give her the benefit of the doubt PLUS I feel like a jackass whenever I try to relate my story to anyone, so I dont, and the result is a feeling of detachment and disconnection from everyone else. Period.

Only one person openly refused to believe I wasn't lying, and Im grateful for it actually. The fiance of my close friend which I mentioned above, was very close herself at the time to my ex-wife. She both knew my ex well and is comfortable enough with our friendship to tell me she doesn't believe me and that she is reflexively uncomfortable with the idea of this being a psychological problem. I know and understand that what she hears me say is that the smart, well adjusted, 35 year old professional and Law school student which she knew well is either crazy. It is far more likely to her that I am lying. I know everyone else feels similarly but wouldnt say so in polite conversation. This is what I was getting at, and why I will never feel truly connected to anyone else again.

Bottom line though is that I failed to keep our family together, for whatever reason. I was weak, prideful and I gave up on her and our son. Period. Ill take that to my grave and nothing I can see will ever lighten that burden or should. Ill be ok. Thanks for listening. Good luck.