by heavyhearted52 » Tue Aug 11, 2015 5:52 am
SMITHYWISE and SORT_OF_COPING, forgive me for taking so long to reply. Thank you both. I’m not disagreeing with either of you. However, after almost losing her in ’09, everything else pales by comparison. I understand and appreciate the significance of proper treatment. I just don’t want her quieted… I want her cured. I want her back. Unfortunately, the problem for some DDers, as in her case, is that they have no problem. The problem isn’t theirs, but everybody else’s. Such is the case with my Lady Love. Even though twice she’s been diagnosed as having DD, she hasn’t been convinced. There’s always a chance that the doctors that diagnosed her were part of the grand conspiracy.
<After all that we’ve been through, I find myself blessed and appreciative that she’s in my life in any capacity. In 2009, when she would leave the house and call me later, distraught and lost, I lived in my own private fear. At any given time, she could have opened a door or turned a corner and been lost and/or gone forever. So, in the big picture, maybe just my big picture every obstacle and challenge since then has become a small one to me, no matter what the disappointment is.
<I’ve learned to live with disappointment. Throughout this whole ordeal, I’ve found a lot of disappointment.
<When she was at her worse, I tried to get her some help, but found myself helpless in the doing so. I was so afraid that I wouldn’t be able to contain her. She’d get in the car and call me. She’d be lost over a hundred miles away from home. I became disappointed that there wasn’t an agency to help me get help for her by having her declared in need of help.
<I became disappointed when I’d taken the keys to all of our cars and the police said I couldn’t legally restrict her access to her property, our cars and keys, since she hadn’t been declared.
<I became disappointed, even though I somewhat try to understand, when visits by our children became less frequently and shorter in duration.
<I became disappointed when family and dearest of friends chose to ignore her problem, rather than acknowledge it. As if acknowledging it would obligate them to do something.
<I became disappointed and deflated in our former city when my wife and I made a deal. If she were to agree to getting evaluated at this particular psychological testing facility and not attempt to test flat, we’d follow the results of the evaluation. If the results indicated that she needed medication she’d take the medicine (just to get me off of her back). If the results showed nothing was wrong with her, I’d have to drop the subject forever more.
<She appeared to be serious and honest about wanting to get it over with. She even called and made the appointment herself. She seemed to even be concerned about getting help if she indeed needed it. Still, she’d duped me before and I had and have become hesitant to trust her promises. When we arrived, my wife was uneasy and asked if I could sit in for the interview before the evaluation. A few questions into the interview, the doctor (?) asked my wife why was she there? My wife seemed puzzled and hesitated. Then she said, “Because he wants me to get evaluated.”
<The doctor (?) asked: “Who? Your husband?”
<My wife nodded. The doctor asked: “Do you think anything is wrong?”
<My wife said, “No. He said I should get evaluated.”
<The doctor went on to explain the law and their policy. I became agitated and tried to explain, but to no avail. To my wife this was her certificate of a clean bill of health.
<Just like that, it was over.
<Disappointed as I am… I’ve learn to live with it.
<The toll that it’s taken on me doesn’t matter and it has taken a toll. I get stressed; I get depressed, but I can’t get tired. I can’t give up. The hardest part for me was accepting my new role as caregiver rather than husband. It’s my duty to take care of her, nobody else will put up with the steady stream of accusations. It used to upset my stomach when she would rage at me for something she’d imagined. Now, I just forgive her and keep going. Sometimes I have to forgive her a thousand times a day, but that’s okay. As I love her million times more than that.
<Now, our lives are somewhat muddled by her religious delusions, jealous delusions and bouts of paranoia, but it’s far better than it was in 2009 and 2010. That was the worst of it. However, when I think deeply about it, I can see signs of it much earlier that I thought, though subtle. I’d incorrectly pinpointed it as beginning in the early 2000s after we experience a severe trauma, a loss of a child and my mother (whom my wife was very close to), but I can see the jealousy and bouts of paranoia much earlier. For instance, she’s never misplaced anything, someone’s taken it. That’s one of the very small things that I noticed, but it never raised an alarm. Since, I too, am a jealous possessive person, I’ve long overlooked her jealousy, even when it became more pronounced. However, it caught my attention when it became alarming to the place where she’d become accusatory everyday. Somebody was coming on to me or vice versa everyday. Multiple times a day. Everywhere.
<Again, it’s all small compared to the risk of losing her completely. Even here on this board, so many have lost their DD loved ones, because the DDer has opened that door or turned that corner. My heart goes out to you.