Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Excuse me tonight. Maybe I shouldn't even be here. I talked to the stranger that occupies my wife soul and boy, I am bummed out. It wasn't the angry stranger, but the subdued stranger. It's true that Delusional Disorder is a type of schizophrenia. At any rate, she said the last time we talked I must have mistaken her for someone else. I kept calling her “###”. I told her I've always called her that. She was surprised and said that was the very first time I called her that. I told her it was a innocent pet name I had for her, but it was our private code word for a particular sex act I performed on her. I described it in detail, trying to refresh her memory. I couldn't believe she'd forgotten. She was horrified. Not only would she not enjoy what I'd just described, she wouldn't let me do it. She's a Christian. Then she hung up.

I guess this will be in her family's news tomorrow, as she and I no longer have secrets or code words.

What' s bumming me out is how removed from her normal self she's become.

It's starting to become apparent to some of her relatives that hadn't been around her to see the change.

Her cousin, the one that she's living with, called me today. She began by saying she take it all back. She said she'd said some terrible things about me for mistreating her cousin (my wife). She said since she and her husband was off of the road for the past two weeks (they own an RV and really use it), they've picked up on some of things my wife was saying. They now realize that all is not well with my wife. This would be a positive step, but I'm too depressed about the stranger. I'm going over things in my mind and I feel hopeless.

Also, last evening I forgot to ask Dr. See How Brilliant I Am about the odors. DDers often smell odors that are not there and the often think they smell offensively. Does anybody know why that is?

Well, it's after midnight. I'll get some sleep and maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.

Six o'clock. I've been awake a couple of hours after having trouble going to sleep.

Yesterday, I asked her cousin not to try to talk to her about it. I'm very comfortable that she's safe there. They are gone most of the time and she safe's in the neighborhood where they live. If they approached her about her mental well being, she'll say they are in league with me and move out. The cousin understood.

Even though she's very functional, her conversations give strong indications that something's wrong. I'm waiting for more of her relatives to see that something's wrong, two in particular. Then what? The two maybe able to persuade her that something's wrong. If not, she'll feel that they are out to get her and I might be able to bargain with her to prove me and everybody else wrong, by getting the inpatient evaluation then treatment.

Right now, she's looking for a job to start her new life without me, the son of Satan. Though in her late fifties, she might be able to find a job because of her training and experience. If she get a job and history repeats itself, she won't be able to keep it long because of her delusions that her co-workers are talking about her. She has trouble keeping jobs because of her delusions. I'll be there to catch her when needs me, but I'm very worried about whether or not if I'll ever be able to trust her.

Outside of her suspicions and accusations against me for being unfaithful, her Persecutory Delusion Disorders always began at work. She's a very self-conscience individual, with a number of complexes. So in the close work environment her trouble begins. Then it spread to our neighborhood. At first it was off-handed comments. Then when the accusations became more pointed and direct, I tried to show her how unreasonable and illogical the accusations were. That's when the proverbial spit hit the fan. She wanted to know why was I defending her enemies? Why was I against her? I had to be in cahoots with her enemies. No, they had to be in cahoots with me. I had to be the leader. I had to be the son of Satan.

Dear God, please help.

Well my... ? Friends? Strangers? Fellow spouses of DDers? Fellow sufferers? Fellow path walkers. I've shared my pain, sorrow and even my feelings of anger, which for some reason I was hesitant to admit. Well, let me impose a little more as I share my guilt. I can recall telling only one person, my closest friend, MM, this. Actually, she's my only friend. I live in a small world, a very small world. That's why my wife is so important to me, because forever she has been my only friend. In the last thirty years, I've allowed only one other person to get close enough to be called friend and that's MM.

Still, it was an older cousin that reminded me of memories long shelved. My wife had called my sister to report how I was sleeping with every woman that crossed my path. She said I was casting spells over these innocent women, because I had the powers of the devil. She went into a long story about how I was leaving the doors unlocked to allow the neighbors to come in to install cameras and bugs and do their evil business.

My cousin called to tell me she was sorry that I was going through the same thing again.
“Again?”
“Yes. And you were but a child when you mother had her nervous breakdown.”

“Nervous Breakdown”. That's what it was called. Now the floodgates opened and memories, long sealed away, rushes in. I was seven when it happened. I remember attacking my step-father and adult cousin as they were forcibly carrying, dragging my mother to the car to take her to the mental hospital. She looked into my eyes and screamed: “Help me!”

She looked so pitiful.

I charged the men and was swatted down. I got up and charged the again. I was swatted down again. My grandfather grabbed and held me.

My mothers eyes stayed fixed on me as she mouthed over and over: “Help me!”

As they were trying to close the car door, she let out a gut-wrenching scream.

I struggled against my grandfather and went into hysterics. I felt so helpless... so useless.

In 1959, I failed my mother.

I feel so guilty for doing such a good job of closing off the traumatizing memories, that I didn't recognize early on that my dear wife was in trouble. Just as mother had, my wife first began complaining of odors. Just like my mother, my wife thought she was giving off an offensive odor. Just like my mother, my wife thought she was communicating directly with God. Just like my mother, my wife thought that evil people were out to destroy her.

Fifty years later, in 2009, I failed my wife.

Goodbye.

You have failed nobody at any point in your life. There is no failure, and 'failure' should not even be a word in the dictionary. Everything that we do - and everything that we encounter - in life can be learned from, and therefore everything can breath positivity. I found it interesting how your partner's cousin instantly recognised that something was wrong [with your partner] as she waas staying with her - Even from that you should know that this is not your fault in any way. Anyway, i feel very limited in what advice I can offer here, but considering how active you are recently on the website in general, I just felt like 'acknowledging' your triple-post just now. Let's wait until the others with more experience in this area reply.

TAke care,
kevin

Dear heavyhearted52,

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE.... JUST LIKE I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE.... THE ONLY ONE RESONSIBLE IS THE F*^%ING DD"... I'm 47... when I was 6, my mother was "on the verge" of a nervous breakdown... hers was stemmed from severe amenia. I'm the youngest of 7 children... I remember the screaming and her fear that the ceiling and walls were closing in on her... she was TERRIFIED... this was all happening as she was in the middle of having a miscarriage... I remember the ambulances and how they carried her out... I will never forget that day... but I have never blamed myself for one minute.. not even a second... AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! There's nothing a defenseless, unexperienced child like you or me could do... Thank God my mother recovered. She got on a rigorous vitamin program... an now, at 85, she is the strongest, most mentally stable person I know.

I must admit, I still suffer from guilt of possibly not having done more for my now ex-husband... for not forcing or at least tricking him into taking medication... What if I had? Would he be better? Would I still be married to the love of my life? Did I abandon him when he needed me most? Did I live up to my "for better or worse vows?" .... After years of searching, I think I've found a good therapist... his counseling is making me realize that yes, I did all "I" could do... and that I'm not a bad person for calling it quits...

Yes, we all have a cross of some sort to bear... some of us struggle with the pain of its crushing weight, some of us ask for help carrying it, some of us drag it, and some of us face the hardest decision... when to let it go...

So please, rest assured that you are NOT responsible for your wife's illness... and next time somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask them to dribble a football...

Good night, and please keep posting.... It helps!

-- Beautiful Mind

Dear heavyhearted52

Let me start with simply asking you is the 52 your age or your year of birth? Then let me apologize that I didn't find this forum earlier. I find myself to be in exact same situation as you. I've been together with my wife for no more than 3 and a half yrs, we married one year after we met. When we met her mother was still alive, and she cautioned me that my wife had a severe diagnosis (Schizoaffective Disorder SAD) and that I'd be prepared to meet some very tough times if or when my wife would relapse. She was then taking AP medication (Abilify) and I couldn't see nothing but the beautiful, caring and loving girl which I decided to marry. Then her mother passed away less than a month before our wedding. I had been warned that during her relapses my wife used to cut absolutely all contact with her mother. And so we got married in july -07. In the standard norwegian wedding ritual you only pleed to cherish and love in good times and in bad, but my wife insisted to also include the sickness and health phrase (How clever of her!). Shortly after she dropped her medication (in accordance with her psychiatrist) because as a newly wed couple we should of course try to make kids. Thank God that didn't happen! After a few months without meds she started to relapse, and in february -08 she voluntarily committed herself to a psychiatric hospital where they resumed her medication. The first thing that happened was that she told the staff that I was not to be entered as her next of kin instead they should use her brother (to which I have a very good relation), and that I should receive NO information about her condition. Of course, this led me into depression but I decided to stay strong and used my work as my therapy. During this period she was convinced that we was divorced and that she would move away from me. This lasted for a period of 6 weeks and then she started to gradually recover, and rapidly she came back to be my loving wife again. And finally in june -08 she was uncomitted and came home to stay. So we could then resume our marriage, but when I tried to talk about how I had felt this period she refused to talk about it. Then we enters a long period of happiness, my wife functions perfectly as a wife and a very good stepmother for my three kids from my former marriage (aged 5,7 and 9). After a while she even resumes her training to be a qualified nurse, which she had to drop during her last relapse. And then during summer -09 I agrees that she can quit meds out of two reasons. Firstly she wants to loose some weight, and then we will try again on a pregnancy. I admit that I was rather ambivalent about this ideas, but she is a grown woman that is perfectly capable of making her own decisions as long as she is healthy. So she had a quick downscaling on the med and july 21st she was medicinefree. Her psychiatrist was sceptic to this idea as well, but as in the US here in Norway people can choose for themselves what medication they want to take. And soon after hell breaks loose. She is still under education, now she is attending practical skills on a seniority center a dew miles away. And simultaneously she is studying for an exam in medications. So her stress level is fairly high. at risk so to speak. I had noticed some minor changes in her behaviour, but didn't pay to much attention, comforting myself with that is was the stress that bothered her. And less than two months after quitting medicine (mid september) she wants to talk to me about separation and divorce. That made it evident to me that a new relapse was coming because there is nothing in our marriage that is not good, except her illness of course. I started to administer her medicine again, but she went on some holidays on her own and I had reports back that she didn't take her pills during this holidays. And finally in early november she commits herself voluntarily to psychiatric hospitalization. The first bad thing that happens there is that the psychiatrist changes her medication from Abilify to Risperdal. This gives her so bad side effects that she tries to talk them back into Abilify, and she even has me to talk to the psychiatrist. But he refuses (from unknown reasons) and after three and a half week in hospital she uncommits herself. She comes home, quits Risperdal and resumes Abilify. 4 days after coming home she had an appointment with her regular psychiatrist and he can see clearly that my wife is still suffering from the side effects (tardive dyskinesia). She is unable to control her feet and she also tells that she is still hearing voices. The psychiatrist orders her commited to an acute psychiatric hospitalization, and I drove her there myself. Just before we arrived at the hospital she tells me that she loves me. That was the last time I have heard her saying it. During her stay in this acute ward the staff is quite cooperative towards me, I call them every day and they would tell how my wife is doing. After excactly one week in the acute ward she is transferred to the ward she was in the first place. Much closer to home so that is the good thing. But when she gets there she repeats her orders that I am to have absolutely no information about her. This is december 14th. So the state I'm in now is that I haven't seen her pretty face since december 9th, and haven't heard her lovely voice since december 13th. During her stay in acute she applied for a new home, and only last week I was told that she has applied for separation. I still haven't received any papers so I don't know. The only thing I do know is that I don't know how much of her behaviour is illness or does she really want to leave me? She has never spoken of leaving during good times, only when far out. Her last relapse is far more severe than the previous one. And I do know that if she wants to come home I'm here for her!
I would like to get in touch with you by voice. Do you use Skype? If so, make a search for contacs then enter 'erling' in the name field and 'olsborg' in the city field. I would be the only hit. If you don't use Skype you should start doing it right away. Free conversations to anywhere in the world.

Best regards from
Cosufferer in Norway

Dear Husband,

I'm so sorry to read about your challenging situation... I am inspired however, by the way your wife has made more than one comeback when on medication. That should give hope to many reading these posts.

How wonderful that you say you will be waiting for her when she comes home ... May God give you the strength to keep strong though this very difficult time.

-- Beautiful Mind

Thank you very much Beautiful Mind. That is one decision I intend to keep! Just like heavyhearted52 I have problems getting to sleep at night, and the night before two days ago I used to write a letter to my wife. Not just any letter but 8 pages with statements of my love for her, and myself taking the full responibility if she has a real reason for leaving me (which I doubt) I'm pleading her on my knees for a second chance, and beg her to forgive any stress I may have applied on her. I do love her very much, I only hope that I can be truly honest when I say that I love her more than I love myself. That she has to decide and hopefully tell me one day. And you are very welcome to help me in my prayers both for my wife and our marriage, which I feel is quite fragile at the moment.

When talking about recovery it is always a question about medication. I know that some people tends to believe that mental disorders can be both cured and kept under control through remedies like therapy alone, or changing your diet, religious faith with prayers etc. My own research shows that so is absolutely not the case. If you want a delutional person to be better the only path is through antipsychotic medication. And my recommendation is Abilify. One european expert group have ranked all the AP medicinesavailable in Europe, and they where unison that Abilify is by far the best drug with the least sideeffects.

If you want to voicechat you are welcome too, just follow the instructions I gave to heavyhearted, but bear in mind that there is a 6-hour time difference between norwegian time and your eastern standard time.

Best regards

Dear heavyhearted52,

I hope your goodbye isn't permanant. I pray you stumble in and read my post. I'm not a poster and am only doing so to appeal to you to retun to the board. I've been lurking as a guest and reading with interest. My ex-husband has delusional disorder. I heard about him being diagnosed during his third marriage. After I heard about his diagnosis, i felt guilty for short while. We didn't have the beautiful relationship that you wrote about in your first post. When he began accusing me of cheating, I tought it was to cover his on affairs. He was quite the male-whore.

When I read your first post and how lovingly you spoke of your wife. I was a little envious. That's how I hoped my love life would be. You caught my attention because you are so descriptive and eloqent. You are quite the wordsmith. you make me feel the words you write about. so the two posts before your last I could feel you were troubled. The last post didn't surprise me. Please understand that you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I'll go back to being guest, but I pray you come back.

Dear mtfan. I copy you on all those good words to heavyhearted. Me too is afraid that his goodbye could or might be a final one. I can tell you how I feel his pain and must admit that me too have had suicidal thoughts, the only thing that keeps me going is the love for my kids and the loving hope for my wife. If it wasn't for them I don't know what I might be able to do. But please don't just act as a guest, this forum needs all the comforting words it can get! I would also like to learn more about your x-husbands diagnosis and behaviour towards you. Fell free to drop me a PM if you prefer for starters. I'd shure would like to keep in touch.