Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Dear Beautiful Mind,

Thanks for your post. You ask:

Beautiful Mind wrote:What type of DD was your wife diagnosed with? I think the Jealousy type is the worse kind for a spouse to deal with because there's no way to comfort them because they're thinking all these terrible thoughts about you.

Fortunately, she is not DDJ but DD-persecutory, but her "persecution" has to do with our children, not herself. Whereas a DDJ accuses his spouse of awful, bizarre things, my wife accuses a good friend of our family, Thomas, of doing awful and bizarre things to our son, thus causing his psychosis. I have noticed that this is like a knee-jerk reaction with her, across the board: if someone takes our kids out or something, she just assumes they will do something bad to them, probably because she was severely abused as a child. It just morphed into DD after my cancer and other stressors in our life.

I am glad that it isn't DDJ. That would be the worse. Because of her past, she doesn't trust many people, but she does trust me, though that has been strained recently. From what I read and just using common sense, it would be impossible to have a marriage of any sort with a DDJ -- even with this stupid Thomas thing, she can't be talked out of it or convinced. The hardest thing to get your head around is that in her mind, this is reality. Wow! Unfortunately, she may spread her delusional net further in the future, and I may end up being caught.

Thanks much!

MrSicily

Mr. Sicily wrote: Unfortunately, she may spread her delusional net further in the future, and I may end up being caught.

Over the past 10 years, the bulk of my ex's delusions were FIXED on me... I thought that was part of the disease. The only other problems were related to his work environment but nothing compared to his mental attacks on me.

You pose an interesting question.. can the delusional net spread further?.... I noticed a slight delusion in regard to one of our daughters telling her college roommates that he's crazy. I'm not sure if he just suspected this or if it was something he believed was REAL... Of course I cant' ask him this question...

I wonder if his "delusional net" might spread out to our other daughters. Have you read or know anything else in this regard?

Thanks for your help, Beautiful Mind

Over the years my husband had issues at work where he thought people would belittle him or curse him under their breath. Then he became really paranoid about his good friend. For a couple of years he would talk about this friend and how he was doing and saying all of this bad stuff behind his back, he really hated him, and their was nothing that you could say that would make him think any different about this person. Of course at the time you just believe what they are saying. After all I wasn't there at work, I didn't hear those conversations. Sometimes if I was around this friend and my husband would bring up something that he "said or did" I would tell him that I didn't see it that way or that I didn't think that was what he meant. I just felt like I wasn't a very intuned person. I gradually came to believe all of these untrue things about his friend myself. Well then my husband has a major psychotic break and now all of his delusions are about me. Like the flip of a switch he turned on me. I never in a million years would have thought something like this would happen. So I definitely believe that the delusions can spread to others. I believe it spread from his friend on a milder scale to me on a much more serious level. My husband has more than one kind of delusion. He has delusional jealousy about me, he has had grandiose delusions (I still think he thinks them, but he doesn't really talk about it) and he has had persecutory delusions where he thought I was using other people to poison him. So even though I know that he loves his kids I don't totally trust them being alone with him because I feel that at any point he could have another acute psychotic episode and start to think that his kids are now trying to poison him or some other delusion that involves them.
Anyway just my opinion.

I spend a lot of time reading all of your stories, but have only posted a few questions a while back and just wanted to tell you all that my heart goes out to each of you and I can hardly believe sometimes how similiar everyone's situation is. I am another one of those people that can fully understand what you guys are all going through. My life has been turned upside down and I have lost my best friend and don't know if I will get him back.

Thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences.

mountainmama3

Beautiful Mind:

Beautiful Mind wrote:I wonder if his "delusional net" might spread out to our other daughters. Have you read or know anything else in this regard

I've seen from postings on this forum that this might happen. With my wife, she said again two days ago that our son "is being used for a research experiment..." regarding his Zyprexia. That is, she thinks the psychiatrist, nurse practitioner -- the whole system -- is testing this drug without our knowledge on our son. Hmmm. This is the third time that she has asserted this. It is obviously bizarre, but could happen in this reality\universe, but is totally ridiculous. The psychiatrist, nurse pract., therapist are quite good, are working in our son's best interest. I have been pleased with them, their professional manner, their competency, and they have great recommendations.

When she said this, I said, "Ok, let's call the nurse practitioner and ask her about this." It so happened that two minutes later, the nurse practitioner called us about something else, and I asked her if they were using our son as a research experiment for Zypexia. "Oh, no," she said. "We would never do that." (They might think I'm looney, oh well!)

Ok, is this a new delusion or just abstract, crazy thinking? I don't know. I guess if she brings it up again in a week and still seems to hold it, then what can we call it but a delusion, especially if any amount of reality brought to bear on the question doesn't change her thinking? So it might be an evil spawn of the main Thomas delusion. Again, it gets down to this: "they" -- those bad people -- are doing something awful to our children.

Just these thoughts...

MrSicily

Thanks so much for your replies, mountainmama3 and Mr. Sicily. Just FYI.... I went ahead and posed this question to one of the Mental Health Professionals on this site and this is the response I received.

Message from Mental Health Professional on this site: Hi beautifulmind. Yes, it most likely will spread down to them. He doesn't have much control over them - otherwise you would be able to reason him out of the things he accuses you of. The best thing to do is to educate your daughters about his illness and give them ways to exit the scene should he become fixated on them during a visit. I tell kids that "Daddy's" feelings hurt him and make him say and do things that can make your feelings hurt also." Depending on how old they are, you can adjust the wording, but the point is to separate the illness from him while still validating the hurts that they'll feel when it's directed at them. Develop a code word that they can say to you on the phone to let you know it's time to come get them. Most importantly give them ways to get out of an interrogation. "I have to go to the bathroom." Kids can usually get around being victimized in these situations if given enough support and education. If he deteriorates, then you need to consider not letting him have them alone.

-- Beautiful Mind

Thanks Beautiful Mind! The quote from the Mental Health professional was excellent. I have eight kids, so some day I may really, really need this!

MrSicily

mountainmama3 wrote:I spend a lot of time reading all of your stories, but have only posted a few questions a while back and just wanted to tell you all that my heart goes out to each of you and I can hardly believe sometimes how similiar everyone's situation is.
mountainmama3

Yes, mountainmama3 we all walk the same path. And somehow strangers occupy the bodies and spirits of our loved ones. It seems unimaginable. Before it happened to us, there's no way any one could have been able to convince me that my Lady Love would become a stranger that hated my very existance.

To be honest, I cringe when she calls. I never know what she's going to throw at me. I watch the caller ID and let her calls go to voicemail. I listen to the tone of her messages before deciding to return the call. Not in a million years, would I have believed this would happen or could happen.

This evening I had an appointment with my fourth Family Counselor since she left. Her therapist, the one that dianosed her, suggested that I find a Family Counselor that I'm comfortable with, to help me understand my wife's condition. It's not going to happen. Me finding one that I'm comfortable with. Quite honestly, I think he was trying to get rid of me. I'm very opininated and very pointed with my opinions. Now, that I'm just as angry as I am sad about her condition, I'm not that pleasant for him to deal with.

There I said it: "I'm angry".

No: "I'M ANGRY."

Not at her. Not at you. I'm just so angry that this condition exists.

Sorry

When I return from picking my son up at the airport, I'll share what I learned this evening.

heavyhearted52 wrote:

And somehow strangers occupy the bodies and spirits of our loved ones. It seems unimaginable. Before it happened to us, there's no way any one could have been able to convince me that my Lady Love would become a stranger that hated my very existance

I remember watching something on TV about aliens a few years ago... apparently, there are people that say they were snatched for a few hours, experimented on and then returned. Some of their family/friends expressed how they noticed changes in their personalities, etc... This was at the time things were really CRAZY around here.... I know it sounds ridiculous now, but for a fleeting moment I thought maybe, just maybe, something like that happend to my husband... Of course I don't think this is true, because you and I know very well that the so called alien is a.k.a. DDJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, he is a total stranger... so now, when he starts with some crazy accusation, I end the conversation by saying something like, "the man I married would never let someone talk to me like this... if he was here, he'd beat the $#%^ out of you".... and then I just get up and leave. I know this sounds cold, but after 10 years of taking in his toxic comments that ultimately led to divorce, I'VE HAD IT WITH THIS ALIEN THAT HAS INVADED MY HUSBAND'S BODY AND BEAUTIFUL MIND!!

Looking forward to reading about what you learned tonight, heavyhearted52...

P.S. I'M ANGRY TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry to take so long. My son is almost thirty. He's always gravitated towards me. Now, his mother despises him for “being one of your father's goons against me.” He's brokenhearted. He almost understands it, but hurts a lot. He comes home practically every weekend, to mend. Thank goodness for Airtran. He changed his phone number and won't give it to his mother. He talks to her through me. Of course, I lie and tell him she says she love him and she's sorry. I'm sure he knows I'm lying. In this instance, the truth would do more harm than good. We just do what we can to mend these holes in our hearts.

In my very first post, I shared that the Family Counselor said, “Experts seem to be convinced that Delusional Disorder is biological.” This was the first Family Counselor that I went to after she left. This one didn't have his own opinion. He wasn't sure. The second and third Family Counselors didn't present opinions either. I dumped the three of them because they presented pessimistic forecasts about recovery from Delusional Disorder, or maybe it was realism. My family doctor on the other hand held a very strong opinion that it is biological. He based his opinion on observing an uncle. He was also convinced that it could be properly treated. Unfortunately, his uncle died in an auto accident, before completing his treatment.

Last night, I made up my mind that I was finished with family counselors, I received more understanding and input from this board than I did them. I was very tempted to cancel this appointment if it had not been for the late cancellation fee. Right away, I didn't care for this too-young doctor. He started reading the paperwork before introducing himself. A bit miffed, I tried to interrupt his train of thought by asking if Delusional Disorder was biological? He casually but seemingly self assuredly answered: “Yes. Yes it is.”

When I tried to ask how could he be so sure, he held up his hand and continued reading. When he was finished reading, he closed the folder, leaned back in his seat and said, “Mr. _ _ _, your wife has Delusional Disorder and you want to know if its biological? Yes it is, but that's my opinion.”

He presented his credentials and said which school he double majored in to get them.

He asked if my wife had been traumatized.

Yes, in the worst way. We lost a child.

He told me to think back before then. Was my wife jealous?

Yes.

Was she possessive?

Yes.

Was she the suspicious type?

Yes.

He said, in his opinion that might have been Delusional Disorder in it's infancy. He said one day researchers will prove him right.

He believes that Delusional Disorder lies dormant in a person's system until they reach a certain age before it blossoms. He said there's a chance that trauma or depression can bring it forth prematurely.

The upside of it being biological is one day the imbalanced chemical will be identified and corrected.

The downside is that there's always a chance that the parent can pass the imbalanced chemical on to their child.

Well, even though I'd grown to dislike Family Counselors, I can appreciate anyone expressing their opinions... particularly in their field.

Heavyhearted52,

Thanks so much for taking time to share your latest post! I too have been discouraged with many family counselors and mental health professionals over the years.

Like you, I've gotten so much more out of this forum than I ever did before... and I've only been on for about a week!

He believes that Delusional Disorder lies dormant in a person's system until they reach a certain age before it blossoms. He said there's a chance that trauma or depression can bring it forth prematurely.

This is the same kind of explanation I received. The way she put it was, "his brain was cracked from birth"... then she said to picture a string that all of a sudden just "breaks"... I recall another doctor along the way saying it could be brought forth by some kind of trauma... but again, the main idea is that it was always there... waiting to awaken and ruin our lives.

The upside of it being biological is one day the imbalanced chemical will be identified and corrected.

Wouldn't that be wonderful... but then again, you'd have to convince them that they have a problem and that they need to take some kind of medication...

The good news is that there is hope for the future...

-- Beautiful Mind