Spouse with Delusional Disorder

I'm tearing up as I read that last post, because I'll spend New Year's Eve alone once again, my lover and best friend stolen from me by this terrible disease. We used to bring in the New Year in each other's arms, oblivious to the world around us, wondering what the New Year would bring. Never in my wildest dreams did I think we'd be like we are now, divorced, because I couldn't convince him to seek help. I'd give anything to have him like he used to be. I wonder if he's replaced me........... He refuses to talk to me at all.

Friends, reading about your pain helps me to cope with mine. I breathe a sigh of relief that I've survived another holiday season without him... how strange not to refer to him as my husband anymore.

I am a God loving and "fearing" kind of person. Therefore, I am afraid to ever say "why me?".... although I can't help but wonder what good could ever come of this tragedy. I often wonder about the poor woman who started MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) or about John Walsh (host of America Most Wanted).... they had to go through a living hell in oder to begin programs that would do such good for others. But where does this disease leave us? We can't even help the one we love most because they hate us!!!! Again, I ask, what good can come of this I'm in no position to even begin to tackle this monster.

I can't tell you how many times over the last 10 years I've wanted to take him into my arms and love him the way I still do! Part of me wants to hate him for what he's done to our happy family... that would at least make the pain a little more tolerable.... but then I realize that THIS IS NOT HIS FAULT!!!!! IT'S THE DELUSIONAL DISORDER a.k.a. Deadly Disease In my heart, I know it's no more his fault getting any other kind of disease ... Basically, my emotions are in a constant vicious cycle of pain, anger, and true compassion for him. I wonder if it would of been easier to cope/accept if it had been any of the other DD types besides the Jealousy one... At least I could still hold, kiss, touch, and sleep with him. God, I really miss having him next to me all night long.

And then comes his family... how confused they must be.... they all know bits and pieces... his side vs my side... especially since he basically seems "normal" when he's around them... Don't get me wrong, they're all very loving and supportive of me... but his mother's words to me that marriage is "for better or for worse" still stings a little.

He is moving about 2 hours away from us in the next few days.... to make a long story short, he's been living in my basement for the past 2 years... I finally had to put my foot down and got a court order for him to leave... it's just TOO WEIRD having him living here and basically hating me... it breaks my heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for letting me ramble on and I'm so sorry for all of us that had to be without our loved one over the holidays... in my case I was ALONE eventhough he was standing right in front of me... I will concentrate on the wonderful children and family I've been blessed with in this life. For 2010... I hope the good Lord gives us the strength to see the good in this cross we bear and his compassion to accept it...

Peace to you my friends...

Dear Beautiful Mind:

I can definitely feel for you and give you a perspective you may not have heard before on the this forum, based on what you wrote:

Beautiful Mind wrote:I am a God loving and "fearing" kind of person. Therefore, I am afraid to ever say "why me?".... although I can't help but wonder what good could ever come of this tragedy. I often wonder about the poor woman who started MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) or about John Walsh (host of America Most Wanted).... they had to go through a living hell in oder to begin programs that would do such good for others. But where does this disease leave us? We can't even help the one we love most because they hate us!!!! Again, I ask, what good can come of this I'm in no position to even begin to tackle this monster.

About three years ago I was diagnosed with the second worse form of cancer in the US, esophageal cancer, and I had an operation that is considered one of the worse, even worse than open heart surgery, the Ivor Lews, followed my six weeks of intense Chemo and radiation (they barely let me heal...I had five weeks only). This obviously turned my family upside down, and I was only 46 years old. I am still healing in many ways from what they did to my body back then. And, to top it off, we had eight kids!

Fast forward to last summer, and my son has a bad psychosis, and my wife has what several psychiatrists call a "Delusional Disorder." She is off the wall, impossible to be with, falling apart, and has a crazy delusion about why my son got his psychosis. As with my cancer, my family is upside down, both with my son's condition and my wife's.

Here's the perspective: which was worse, my cancer or my wife's DD? Definitely my wife's DD was worse. With my cancer, we all came together and saw the value in each other like never before. It was a hard time, but in many ways a good time, if that makes sense. With DD, it was just the opposite: me and my wife moved much more apart than we ever were, since I could not allow her delusions and crazy ideas to influence my son's care. It was an emotional wrenching that trumped cancer by many fold, and the emotions that came with cancer were pretty intense for all of us.

So you have really been through a lot, as has everyone who is close to someone with DD. My wife's episode has waned, and I am thankful for that, and my cancer is in remission, which is great, and my son is slowly getting better, also fantastic. It's a long story, but if any of us three have a relapse, then its curtains for the family. We all sink. I too am a believer, and believe He is in it all, no matter how difficult.

Hope this helps, or at least gives you a 30,000 foot view to know what an intense thing you are going through. Sometimes that can be helpful.

Warm regards

MrSicily

Dear Mr. Sicily,

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective and God bless you for all that you've gone through. I can't tell you what a comfort it is to hear from someone that can relate to DD in a family. What type of DD was your wife diagnosed with? I think the Jealousy type is the worse kind for a spouse to deal with because there's no way to comfort them because they're thinking all these terrible thoughts about you. You're the last person they want holding or even touching them!

I work in a hospital and I've seen how families rally together in times of crisis. You can literally feel the love among them. I know I've never felt closer to my 6 six siblings than when my father was dying of pancreatic cancer or to my husband than when our daughter sled into a tree and had to be flown to Johns Hopkins... I often wonder if that event triggered his DD.

Reading stories like yours and others on this site (as they relate directly with DD) help bring me out of my "woe is me" depression (at least for a while). Before finding this forum, I was only getting information on what DD is -- and was so disappointed with the lack of information because of how rare it is, etc. And of couse there's the news on television featuring tragic events.... especially when they involve children, that scare me straight. I don't know how those families survive... God bless them.

Thanks again for taking time to share your thoughts and words of encouragement. I hope your health continues to improve and that your family is blessed with God's grace and love.

Sincerely,

Beautiful Mind

After my last post, December 27, I purposely stayed away from this board... my mistake. I guess I wanted to suffer alone. Again, my mistake.

My Lady Love and I had been communicating better than we have in a long time. I guess I'd had my own episode of delusion, as I'd began to think that the nightmare was ending. I thought I was making headway. I was trying to convince her to have the in-patient evaluation and treatment to “prove me wrong”. After which, I'd admit to anything she wanted me to and never mention for her to get treated again.

She invited me to her come visit her, six states away. She's now living with well-meaning relatives, who don't have the slightest idea that anything is wrong with her. She said she knew I'd never cheated on her and knew I wasn't seeing anyone now. She said she wanted us to lock up in a motel room and make love like we did two months ago. Well to be honest, sex had lost importance to me, getting her treated has become my main priority. Even our marriage has become less important to me than getting her some help. But since she brought it up, I couldn't wait to be with her.

She’d talked so upbeat and friendly, that I couldn’t wait to get to her. On our last call, before I left for the airport, she expressed how much she wanted me sexually. I would be just so happy to hold her. It’s been a long time since we were together. We’ve only been separated physically for about a month or two. However, it’s been at least four to seven years since the accusations and suspicions began. Mildly, and short-lived at first, then the last two years were very hard.

When she met me at the door with a cold penetrating stare, I knew something had changed within the four hours since we’d last talked. I spoke and she just stared. Then, she asked how did I know she had another phone? She’d long stop using the cell phone from our plan (It was too easily traced and bugged. They were always listening.). She used prepaid cell phones and when she felt “THEY” were listening, she’d toss the phone and get a new one. Her phone number has been constantly changing. She had a second prepaid phone that I didn’t know about. At any rate, as I was enroute to her, she’d received a wrong number call on her safe phone. To her it wasn’t a wrong number, but I and my gang of sinners, letting her know that we had her other phone number. We were smart and evil. She withdrew and I left.

We’d previously lived in this city where she is, so I knew my around and all of her relatives. None saw anything peculiar about her, except that she now hated me, and they were going to help her get on her feet. Then, I ran across one of her friends who knew something was wrong with her. This friend told me that at first she believed everything my wife had said about me. She had no reason to doubt her and she really didn’t know me. So, it was conceivable that I was an abusive womanizer. Then she noticed how the things that my wife saying was becoming more and more bizarre… too bizarre. She said she started to doubt my wife when she said I and our children were using chemicals to make her sick; how the neighbors was in on it; how we’d paid strangers, including the police, to follow her. The friend started telling me everything my wife had said.

Not only had she shared her every delusional accusation, but all of our secrets, including things of the sexual nature. I felt betrayed. And I feel guilty for feeling betrayed, as I know it was wife’s condition that caused her to break the confidence, but now I wonder if I’ll ever trust her again.

After I read hermigo66's post, I began to feel better as I know there’s hope.

Luvfrstgrade said exactly what I frustratingly feel: “my lover and best friend stolen from me by this terrible disease.”

When I read Beautiful Mind's post, I’m glad to know I wasn’t the only one to wonder “Why us?”

MrSicily, my prayers goes out to you.

My prayers goes out to all of you, as you're walking the same path as I.

Dear Heavyhearted52:

Funny you should post the way you did, and said:

heavyhearted52 wrote:My Lady Love and I had been communicating better than we have in a long time. I guess I'd had my own episode of delusion, as I'd began to think that the nightmare was ending. I thought I was making headway.

My wife has been great to be with recently. I was actually able to relax around her and just "say what I wanted," without constantly wondering how she would take it (well, almost what I wanted...some subjects I wouldn't bring up!). But deep down, I knew it would come back, and it did tonight. Crazy, twisted logic, like when she said, "The doctors are just using Josh as a gunea pig -- they haven't tested Zeprexia on adolescents, and that's what they're doing with him." At one of our meetings with the doctor, there was a student in the room -- now that's proof, isn't it! Really nutty. Then, we got back to her delusion, that Thomas had done something bad to our son, thus his psychosis. I said, "Didn't Josh say that you had made all this up?" She was now pretty furious.

The point is that I've learned this stuff will never end. No matter how good she is, it will come back. I hope I don't have two years like you.

My sincere prayers go out to you!

MrSicily

Dear Heavyhearted52,

God bless you for never losing hope! It shows that we must never stop believing in miracles. It also brings to light that there is also a certain grace in "acceptance" no matter what the outcome.

My glimmer of hope came after 5 years into my husband's DDJ (currently going on 10 years now). It had been 2 years since we had even shared a kiss. We were legally separated at the time and he was at my house (where I gave him free entry because I felt compassion for his illness) for some reason he came into my room where I was sitting on the bed watching TV... I thought he was just coming in to get something or to use my bathroom. On his way out, he kind of looked back at me and then swoomed me (in a sweet way) and kissed and held me close to him. He even pushed my hand down towards what I believe was an erection. I WAS DUMBFOUNDED... LIKE A DEER CAUGHT IN THE HEADLIGHTS. I remember thinking, DEAR GOD, IS THIS A MIRACLE HAPPENING? The whole episode lasted for about 1 or 2 minutes... he didn't say anything (at least I don't remember if he did)... I don't remember if I said anything either. I don't exactly remember what happend next, but I think he went out into the kitchen. A few minutes later, I came out and asked him, "what just happend? was that a dream?" ... he didn't answer ... He has never done anything like that again, but I will always cherish that memory.

My hope for you is that you will be blessed with a true miracle... I, on the other hand, have been destined to take the "acceptance" route.

Peace to you and every one of us. How wonderful to be able to help eachother.

Sincerely, Beautiful Mind

Beautiful Mind,

Your story touched my heart. I had a moment similar to yours during the short month of seperation, when My ex-husband still came and went freely in my house. I had hoped that the whole seperation was only his mid-life crisis, and he would eventually come to his senses and come home. It was so hard to accept the fact that he was in fact, mentally ill. Even after his diagnosis, even today, I have moments that I feel very cheated and angry.

He had moved out for a couple of weeks, but except for sleeping in his new place, he was around the children and I as usual. One day he walked pass me in the house, and reached out to caress my face. At the time he had already started seeing another woman, who turned out to be transitory (so as all of his girlfriends, so far.)

I remember that moment vividly. As it was a familier gesture, an old way that he used to express love. That night I cried for a very long time, after he left.

I have refused to have any unnessasary contacts with him, I have even refused to fight with him (re the children), and opted to accept any illogical behaviors or decipline he instituted, as long as the children's safety is not in danger. Though it breaks my heart, this is the only way I know to heal.

I am sad as I observe my other friends having/keeping a wonderful relationship with their spouses. The sad reality that I have finally came to acceptance is, my soulmate, best friend, and the love of my life is gone forever.

Leavingthedarkness:

Thank you so much for your note. It makes me feel that I didn't imagine the whole thing. At times I wondered if I had because I wanted it so badly. In a way, your response confirms my belief that it did happen, and for that I am so very grateful for your reply.

leavingthedarkness wrote: I am sad as I observe my other friends having/keeping a wonderful relationship with their spouses. The sad reality that I have finally came to acceptance is, my soulmate, best friend, and the love of my life is gone forever.

This quote digs deep into my heart. Just a few weeks ago my ex-father in law (who always supported and believed in me) passed away. There was no way I was not going to go to the funeral, memorial mass, or burial. He meant too much to me and I loved him very much. My ex-husband didn't seem to care if I did or not.

It was good to see so many of the family members I had not seen in a long time (a few years for some). I know my ex has talked to many of them ... and if they didn't know me very well, I would figure they would have no reason not to believe his stories about me being a lesbian, etc. etc... I have the love, support and compassion of his immediate family, but again, the others must be somewhat confused with everything they were told by my ex over the years.... For example, his cousin's wife, who I used to be friendly with, told me that my ex had gone over to their house and said a lot of things... I tried to stay calm and asked, "like what?" her answer was, "you really don't need or want to know".... but after a while she revealed what he'd said... My answer to her was, I'm so sorry he says these things that have absolutely no truth or substance, that I loved him with all my heart while we were married, and that someday (not in this life) I have faith that I will see him again... I think that simple honest answer made her realize that he is mentally ill. But what about the rest of the family that was there???? It's a feeling that only people like us, that have lived with a spouse or loved one with DD, can fully understand.

Getting back to your quote, yes, it was very hard for me to be literally the only person (except for one uncle) that was DIVORCED and observing all the other happy couples that I'd known for so many years. It was hard to see their kids vs my kids as everyone left the services... piling into their cars and going home as a family.

I find myself drifting in thought to my ex-husband's future funeral... that is if I outlive him... I will definitely be there... but I will not be sad or crying ... I will be rejoicing in silence because in my heart, I will know without a doubt, that he is finally free from the chains of this horrific disease. I have accepted the realization that only then will I truly feel his love again.

Stay strong and thanks again for such a lovely note,

-- Beautiful Mind

Last night I reread a lot of the messages on the board, before retiring. And saw that we, the spouses of DDers suffer a lot. The pattern was so very obvious. I looked in the mirror and was displeased with how old and tired I looked. I compared my reflection to pictures of me taken earlier this year and last year and could see the effect this ordeal has had on me. Even though the doctor has given me something for anxiety and depression, I’m sad all of the time. I put on a face for the children and try to act strong, for their sake. I try to sound believable when I tell them everything will be alright. I try to believe it myself. My appetite comes and goes. I sleep irregularly. I've developed a slight tremble. On my next visit, if my blood pressure is still elevated, my doctor said he'll have to give me medicine for it.

Well, last night I did something I hadn't done since she left. I went to bed without calling her to say goodnight. Not that it mattered to her if I called or not. She would either be unconcerned by her tone or she was angry and would say something to upset me anyways.

Today I did something I hadn't done since she left. I didn't call her when I arrived at work, this has been a ritual since our thirty years together. Of late, it was to say good morning. For the past few years mornings have been a bad time for us. She'd sit up at night and think of things to get angry about or she'd interpret her bad dreams as premonitions or visions... "The Holy Spirit told me."

My aim was not to escape her or raise her ire (she get angry when I call and she she get angry when I don't call), but to give my heart a break. I feel better.

Some stat said 90% of DDers don't come back. Their marriages end in divorce. I'll take my chances on being of the 10%, as hermigo66.

Well, my path walkers, spouses of DDers, I wish you all the best. Thanks for being my support group. I've been to three different Family Counselors since she left, but I couldn't get from them what I get from you: Hope.