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Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Forum for significant others, family and friends of people with mental illness to discuss relevant issues they face.
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This is a support forum for the family, partners and friends of those with mental health issues. This forum is intended to be a safe place to discuss information, give and receive support and learn about all the issues related to being involved with a person with a disorder. Whilst it can be healthy to express various emotions, please remember to be respectful about the disorder itself. This is a place for constructive discussions, not a venting forum.

The issues experienced by the significant others of those with disorders cannot always be discussed in the other parts of the site in a way that does not trigger those with disorders. Moderators may therefore move threads from other forums into this one at their discretion.

Re: Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Postby Jemma » Fri Dec 22, 2017 7:03 am

Im going through almost the exact same thing with my boyfriend . Except we're 19 and you'll are married adults. Its started the same way with him accusing me of an affair with all his friends and then when he couldn't find any proof he jumped to the conclusion that i along with his family and all his close friends are talking behind his back and are planning something for him or against him . Its a nightmare of constant accusations and questioning. There are days where i feel like lying to him and telling yes there is something and make up a fake story and end this! But i know thats not the right thing to do and will just worsen things.

The main problem in my situation is ... His friends talking about things to him which sometime coincide with something he has told me in private . For example , he told me about a weird dream he had with me and person . A in it around 2 months ago .. a few days ago his friend told him about him having a weird dream about person A .. person A and my boyfriends friend are friends . The blame is all on me now. I told his friend about the dream and now his friend is trying to tease him . There have been quite a few instances like these which can be mere coincidences which have completely strengthened his belief that weve been conspiring against him .

I really love him and i know he loves me equally . All the important people in his life are the villans right now and since im the most important person to him . Im his main target to get to know the "truth" . He thinks breaking up with me will be the best way out since hell have the toxic person out of his life and him not being with me will be punishment enough for me. He breaks up and then comes back asking the same question to tell me the truth . And when i tell him what bes thinking is wrong he gets aggressive and leaves again .

I dont know what to do ! I dont understand what im being punished for . Its very difficult to see him like that. He says im the only one who can calm him down and make him happy . I go to him everytime he needs me because i love him and that is why i cant leave him in this difficult time of his life . But again he thinks im taking all of the suffering because im guilty . He has been to several psychologists and psychiatrists but there has been no change in his thinking. He thought they were involved in the conspiracy too . He saw one recently on his own so that he could make sure hes legit. He doesnt want to tell me about how it went. But since his thinking hasnt changed im sure it was ineffective .

I dont want to involve my parents in this situation and from whatever little they know they want me to stay away from him . It gets really difficult at home too . Im swinging between my mother and boyfriend.

I just need an answer to the question ' what do i do now ? '
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Re: Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Postby prlb4swine » Mon Dec 25, 2017 10:41 pm

Dear Jemma,
to put it bluntly: Break up, leave him, and never look back.

If I'd known then what I know now, I wouldn't be in the nightmare I'm living in. You're very young. You'll fall in love again.
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Re: Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Postby Jemma » Tue Dec 26, 2017 4:59 pm

prlb4swine wrote:Dear Jemma,
to put it bluntly: Break up, leave him, and never look back.

If I'd known then what I know now, I wouldn't be in the nightmare I'm living in. You're very young. You'll fall in love again.


I cant. How can i give up on someone i love so much . There has to be a way to get out of this . Please keep me updated if there is any improvement in your wife .
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Re: Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Postby Jemma » Wed Dec 27, 2017 4:36 pm

Should i give in to his delusion . Like make up a story and tell him that what he's been thinking is true and apologise for it . And just hope no coincidences happen. He thinks we are doing it to get him to study . So if he starts studying well because of a lie .... Should i do it ? Im really confused . Is it the right thing to do ? Please share your opinions on this with me.
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Re: Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Postby badrollercoaster » Wed Jan 03, 2018 5:03 pm

what to do is the question we'd all like the answer to I think. My initial reaction is similar to what the previous poster said --- leave and get out of this relationship. But I understand that's not easy and you may not want to do that for your own reasons. The short answer, if you're staying in this relationship, is that there is no easy answer and what works for someone doesn't mean it'll work for you. Here's a link that does have some useful tips.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/caregive ... delusions/

For me, now that I'm 4+ years into this (heck I'm not sure exactly when this madness began) I'm giving in to the delusions. I've tried arguing against them (which the above link says NOT to do) and it simply never worked and almost always resulted in longer, more painful arguments. Basically, the person with the delusion will never accept that the delusion isn't real just because someone told them it wasn't real. You may as well try to tell them that 2+2=Unicorn.
I don't admit to the delusions exactly, but I don't argue against them. So for example when my wife says something like "person A, B and C" used to be my friends and now they've turned on me and it's because I stayed with you", I respond with "I'm sorry they're treating you that way. It's not OK to throw away their friendship with you just because of the state of our marriage."

I know that's a fine line between giving-in and arguing, but it's what I'm doing for now. It does result in less painful arguments. I'm not sure how long I can keep doing it. It's still very frustrating and painful for me. In the end it is buying time and hopefully other people will start to notice the delusions. I'm hoping that having other people notice, and talk to her about them, that sooner or later she'll at least think about things differently. No guarantee that'll work, and it probably hasn't worked for others, but it's where I'm at today. And others have recently started to notice, so we'll see.

I'm sorry your starting this painful journey. I wish I had something magical to tell you that could make things better sooner than later.
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Re: Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Postby Jemma » Sat Jan 06, 2018 7:50 am

Hello sir ,
Im really sorry you and your wife have to go through this . I know exactly how it feels . I have to think so much before speaking anything because idk what might trigger him . You mentioned in your post earlier that you gave in to your wifes delusion and its helping you . Youve been experiencing it for 2 years now so id like to ask you something . I know youre no doctor but might as well. In my boyfriends case. I am the trigger . I am the one plotting against him along with his family and friends. He thinks were doing it to get him to study since he hasnt attended college in two years and has almost wasted this year too and to stop him from consuming marijuana . Untill now ive been telling him that theres nothing like that and that hes been just over thinking everything.when i tell him that he gets aggressive and says youll are trying to prove me insane and idk what youll are upto . So now i just keep quite when he asks me . But when he constantly keeps asking and it goes over my treshold i open my mouth and tell him that im already telling you truth! . He is dead convinced that all of us are plotting against him . Im being called a liar and cheat everyday .He begs me to tell him the truth . My heart breaks everytime i see him crying and hurt . Because he thinks im lying so much about this i am also probably cheating and doing other things as well . As every DD or paranoia psychosis patient would say he thinks the psychologists are also in this and are helping us . He doesnt want to go to them . The doctors say paranoia psychosis but his symptoms and signs point so much towards DD . Maybe its PP because hes just 19 and DD is mostly mid life disease . Now in this case what should i do ? I dont want consider leaving him because i love him alot and i cant leave him when hes so weak . He also says out of all the people in that group against him . Me being there hurts him the most . So now after reading all this . What do you suggest ? Should i just make up a story and tell him . I will have to convince his family and friends too . But then i really dont want to do it because ill be doing exactly what hes been accusing me of i.e talking to his family and friends and lying to him . But im desperate now . I would do anything to make things better. I know you understand how it feels.


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Re: Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Postby badrollercoaster » Wed Jan 10, 2018 6:12 pm

I'm certainly not a psychologist (or psychiatrist?). So I'm definitely not qualified to tell you what you should do. I can only relate to you my current situation and experience. My wife's delusions are a little different from you're boyfriend's. Your boyfriend thinks that you are plotting against him whereas my wife thinks everyone else is plotting against her - because of me. With my wif'e delusions, she thinks that everyone at work and in the community is talking about her and punishing her because they think that our marriage has been garbage and they know other single men that need a good wife to take care of them. So they've wanted her to leave me to be with one of these other men and because she didn't, they gossip about her and do mean things to her. In order to justify why they think our marriage is garbage, my wife has gone back into history and created bad things that never really happened or taken good things from the past and twisted them into bad things. Messed up eh?

What I used to do is argue and defend myself when my wife would accuse me of these untrue things from the past. This never worked and almost always resulted in a downward spiraling argument. I started to admit to these delusions (delicately) out of desperation because nothing else I did was working at all and because in the link I posted earlier it says to NOT argue the delusions. This link was given to me by my counselor. So I figured what the heck I stand nothing to lose by trying it. I've only been trying this method for about a month. It appears to be helping at least a teeny tiny bit, but I'm not out of the woods at all. I'll take any progress I can get at this point.

I think what's different between our situations is that I'm admitting to things that my wife thinks happened in the past, but for you, you'd be admitting something your boyfriend is accusing you of doing today. I'm not sure if that's a good idea or not or how exactly to go about that. I really recommend finding a good counselor if you haven't already. And don't be afraid to ask people you know for references. I know that can be uncomfortable and maybe embarrassing to do that, but getting a bad counselor can take a bad situation and turn it into a dumpster fire. Don't risk it. Ask for references.

Here's is one of the smaller examples of how I'm doing this with my wife. This is a discussion my wife initiates almost daily. She'll say "you don't respect me as much as you do your friend Paul. You don't like me as much as you do Paul. The only time you were ever happy is when you were with Paul. Nothing I ever did ever made you happy. He insulted me and you just let him. Then when I confronted you about it, you defended him. Who does that? What husband lets their friends insult their wife? And then takes their side when your wife confronts you? Your wife is supposed be more important than your friends."

Paul and his wife were good friends of ours and they never did anything to hurt her or insult her. We always had a great time with them. None of my friends have insulted my wife and I certainly wouldn't tolerate it if they did. My wife has always been the most important thing in my life and I have a great deal of respect for her. So what I used to do was argue against this accusation and try to tell her about all of the many things I've done to show her how much respect I have for her and how important she is to me. ANd it never worked. Usually the discussion would go bad and turn into a 30 minute heated arguemnt and eventually she'd tell me not to defend my friend and tell me that if I wanted to stay married I wouldn't argue with her.

Now what I do is just say "I'm sorry. It's not ok for my friends to insult you and I should never allow something like that to happen. I do have a lot of respect for you. I'm sorry if I didn't show it as well as I should have. You are the most important thing in my life and I'm sorry for ever makinig you feel like you were not. You're a good wife and a good mother. Thank you for not giving up on our marriage." She then usually replies with "well you didn't respect me then. why did it take you so long to figure it out? This could have been done by now and we could be having fun now." And then I reply with "I know, I'm sorry". A much shorter and less painful discussion than what would have been a 30 minute disaster.

What I did NOT say was "I'm sorry Paul insulted you", but I no longer try to convince her that it didn't happen. I know the event never happened. In the past I've asked enough questions (which pissed her off) to know that this is a delusion she has about the past. But I don't try to convince her that it didn't happen.

My take on this is that people with delusions aren't just making things up. You and I know it's a delusion, but to them it's as real as the nose on their face. Us and others trying to convince them it isn't real is like us trying to convince them that their nose isn't real. No matter how many people try to tell them, no matter what words you try to use, they're not going to buy it. They will only get upset and the harder people try to convince them the more upset they get. What's painful for me is that it feels like my wife is making this stuff up as some sort of means of manipulating me and hurting me. I have remind myself that this is her delusion.

Your boyfriend believes whole heartedly that these delusions are real which is why he hurts and cries. If he didn't care about you, then it wouldn't hurt to think you're plotting against him. It's not something he's conciously making up. I don't know what to tell you to do and I can't tell you if giving in to the delusions will work for you. It seems to be helping me at the moment - at least a little.
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Re: Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Postby Jemma » Sun Jan 14, 2018 5:35 pm

Thank you for sharing your thoughts . Ive realized it wouldnt be ideal for me to give in to his delusion as it would make a great mess out of things and would prove his wrong right . He has been taking his medication and they seem to be working a little. Not much very very little but i think its helping. He does not believe that he has any disorder but is taking his tablets because they help him sleep and make his nights less painful . He now says that i think youve stopped talking to all my friends behind my back but youre still talking to one and that one is telling everyone else. He over analyzes everything everyone says and now i dont know what to talk anymore. The worst part of all this is that he thinks that my sadness and tears are all fake . He thinks that i am enjoying this . It kills me when he says that more than any of his accusations . It kills me . Everyday i cry myself to sleep . I beg of god to stop this . I have accepted one thing . .. the delusion that he had is never ever going to go . It is going to remain for the rest of his life. The medications or any treatment will prevent further delusions . But the damage has been done. I could do anything. But he will never trust me . He is going to believe it forever that i did things behind his back . Our relationship is dead. Now its just the matter of time. I dont know how long we are going to last. He is waiting for the day ill tell him the truth about what happened. But there is no way i can tell him that the truth he is waiting for doesnt exist. I didnt talk to any of his friends behind his back i wasnt a part of any plan. He will never know this. My innocence will never be proved . I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this guy. We were perfect. I love him with all my heart and he loves me equally . But without trust there is absolutely no way we will last. I really hope nobody not even the worst person in this world has to go through this or have his / her loved one go through it. This disease is worst than having a life threatening disease .. it kills you slowly . Little by little my hope of a miracle is also dying. I just have to start accepting the fact that we werent meant to be . I still really really hope everything magically works out in our favour. I really really hope. And i pray that all victims of delusions and those who are accused find peace some day .
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Re: Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Postby badrollercoaster » Thu Jan 18, 2018 11:07 pm

I understand - as much as anyone can I guess when they're not living in your shoes....... It hurts me most when my wife says things like "you didn't love me and you don't love me now. You only tell me you do because keeping me here trapped is convenient for you." Or even worse, she'll come right out and tell me that she hates me. I've broke down and cried several times when she's hurled those horrible words at me. And what's double painful is when that happens she just looks at me with an icy stare like my tears aren't real or that she thinks that I should man up and stop crying. It's just awful
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Re: Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Postby badrollercoaster » Thu Jan 18, 2018 11:17 pm

This thread is getting long and has been around for a long time. Not sure if I should keep adding posts to here or not. Anyway this is my latest status update.

Yesterday was miraculous. Almost unbelievable. So for the past few months I've been giving in to my wife's delusions. She would tell me I did (or didn't do) something and demand apologies daily. And I would just respond with something like "I'm really sorry. I'm sorry I made a mess of this marriage. Thank you for staying with me and working on it." I don't always use those exact words, but that's the general idea.

As I said, I've been trying this approach for the last 2 months. And last night she says "who are you talking to?" Which made me panic because I'm thinking oh $#!^ where is this going to end up?
I say "not sure what you mean?"
She says "you made a lot of progress the last couple weeks. Are you talking to my family? Is someone coaching you? It's ok if you are talking to someone. I'm just wondering why you've gotten so much better."
I say "nobody except for my counselor who I see from time to time but not on any kind of schedule".

Then later that night she tells me " I will sleep in the bed tonight, not on the couch. You've been saying and doing all the right things lately."

I've been dealing with these delusions and accusations for 4+ years. She hasn't slept in the same bed with me since August 2016. I'm almost afraid to go home after work because I'm afraid that there will be some kind of horrible relapse
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