Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Hi,

I've read this thread with interest and deep sadness.

I don't have delusional disorder, but I did suffer from a complete psychotic break for eight months. I have bipolar disorder 1 and was misdiagnosed with major depression by my GP. I was given medication that caused my psychotic delusion. It was terrifying. I was married at the time, practicing law/lawyer, and I'm a mother to a beautiful child. (I'm now divorced but it's for an unrelated reason, nothing to do with my delusional psychosis.)

My delusion was that "everyone was out to get me." Including my husband, at the end. I trusted my young child and my psychiatrist. That's it.

I completely recovered from the psychotic episode. But it was eight months of terrifying hell - my psychiatrist saved me. (My GP realized he'd made a mistake and referred me to an excellent psychiatrist, whom I trusted.)

I don't have DD, but I have been on the "other side," so to speak. If it helps, I can share my story here. I'll check back in a few days. Take care.

Is there a real cure for DD? Will I ever get my wife back completely?

There is no cure which includes a future life with a loved one with DD. I am not a Dr. I am also not an idiot. My experience is as the former husband of a DD sufferer. True DD is defined as holding deep convictions that are not real about the sufferer's loved one and only that loved one. As such resolving deeply-held but delusional convictions would be like trying to convince someone the sky is not blue. Anyone who tells you different has no understanding about the nature of DD. You can choose to stand by your loved one and whither their constant accusations which will never end, always change and always involve new delusions, or you can leave that person and remove the trigger which drives their behavior. Removing yourself as the trigger is the closest thing to a cure. No trigger, no delusional behavior. In doing so you are simply trading your loved ones delusions in return for your own future life of remorse, grief and crushing sense of loss. That is why I see DD less as a disease and disorder but more as a cruel curse. Anti-psychotic medicine will not suddenly convince someone that these delusions are not real. No one and nothing will ever convince them their convictions are delusions. If that happens then that is not DD the person is suffering from. Just the act of attempting to prove the delusional accusations aren't true or not possible feeds and escalates the irrational, obsessive and self-destructive behavior. I suppose you could use Pharmaceuticals to tamp down those behaviors but I'm sure you'd be left with a zombie who still believes in their convictions. I'm waiting to be proved wrong.

someguy1976,

I’ve been grappling with a sick feeling in my stomach, since I first read your post. I guess you confirmed what I didn’t want to accept. I want to believe that one day we’d awaken and this bad dream would be over. Our lives would be normal again. That has been my desire for the past 8 to 12 years. I’m unsure when the change actually happened, but I keep holding out hope against hope.

I leave work each day with a bit of anxiety. I don’t if I’ll be welcomed when I get home or will there be something new to be accused of.

Day after day, I watch her carry on normal interactions with other people, but as soon as we’re alone the accusations begin. I never considered that I was the trigger.

I don’t want to accept it being over, but inside I know normalcy has long been over.

someguy1976 is right on target as far as my own experience has shown. I left my delusional spouse more than a decade ago, best decision I could have made. If I had a dime for every time I was told by someone that "someday he will realize what he has lost" or that he would "snap out of it" I'd have a lot of dimes. It doesn't work that way.

I’m trying to confront my own denial. I refused to give up. I was my own cheerleader: “I can do it. I can save her. No matter what anyone say, I’m going to return her to her original self. I won’t accept that my dream girl is forever gone.”

At what point do I accept the truth? She’s gone. I was told this in 2009 and 2010, by two different counselors. A third one offered a glimmer, no a sliver, of hope. She said I had less than a 10% chance of getting her back. I grasped on to that.

So, when we moved six states away and she became secretive. She’d withhold expressing her thoughts and fears from others, I thought I’d gained some ground. She’s functional. Outwardly, she’s happy and religious. When the kids come by or when we’re in the company of others, the interaction is pleasant. As soon as we’re alone: “I saw what you did.” She’ll accuse me of flirting. I’ll deny it once, as I’ve learned to do, and wait for the mood to change. Unfortunately, it can be days before the episode ends.

Just recently, I admitted to myself that I’m miserable. Even being miserable for years hasn’t stopped me from giving up hope. However, now that the reality that it will never get better has taken a hold, I’m pondering what to do now.

I can tell you what I did once I reached the "this will never get better" stage. I did a lot of imagining how we could separate (we had been married 30 years). I knew I would have to move out, he never would. I started looking for ads for apartments I could afford on my own. I just created an image of what separating would look like. This took months really. At first it was just a fantasy, but in the back of my mind, I knew I was making a plan. Then I started thinking, what would be the last straw? What would have to happen to make me actually move out? He acted in cycles. The accusations would subside for weeks, and then, for no particular reason, they would come back, usually with a quiet, "we have to talk" and then escalating into shouting to me how I needed to confess my affairs. Eventually, during a downtime, I decided that the next time he made an accusation I would insist that he make an appointment with a psychiatrist (his medical insurance had changed, so we could not go back to his old one, who was useless anyway). I looked at it as, if he went back on his medication (which did not make the delusions go away, but did temper his reactions to them), I maybe could live with this. But I knew, and he knew, these meds had really bad long term side effects, so he would, in effect, have to agree to some major health risks only so that we could still live together.
Then, I made a deal with myself. If he would not go back to a psychiatrist, of his own accord, I would leave him. Then it happened, he woke up one morning with, "We have to talk." and I told him I was going to work, and if he had not made an appointment with a psychiatrist by the time I got home, I would leave him. I got home that night, he had not made an appointment, and I gathered up my things from our bedroom and moved them into a guest room we had. That weekend, I looked for an apartment & signed a lease. I spent the next 2 weeks or so packing, and then I moved. When I first walked into my quiet apartment, all alone, I actually did a happy dance. Knowing I could now go home to a quiet place, I would not have to worry about walking into a madhouse, was a wonderful feeling. I had mourned my marriage enough by then, I really just felt happy.
We didn't discuss divorce at that time. Part of me was hoping that once I really left, he would get back into treatment (even though I knew it was hopeless, I still could not totally cut my ties to magical thinking). He wasn't the least bit upset. In fact, his first words to me when I told him I was leaving him, was, "Is in OK for me to date?" - and then he got on the phone that night and made a date for the following Friday night. It took me about 3 months to actually file for divorce. Trying to make a property settlement with a delusional person is pretty hard (he continually told his lawyer things that were not true to try to get more than the 50/50 split our community property state required). I persisted, and after about 18 months, the divorce was final, our assets were split, and my life has been peaceful ever since.

When I read Someguy1976‘s post. And he used the word “trigger”, it became clear that was what was happening to us. I’d become her trigger. It’s clear that the relationship between us will never be the same, because she’ll never the same and I’ll always be suspect. Not only am I miserable, she’s miserable and always be, as long as I exist.

When my wife’s cousin, who has tried to be helpful through this continuous ordeal, ask how do I have the strength. I thought it was my love for my wife. Later, I thought to myself that I don’t even know if it was love anymore. After being bombarded with accusations, day after day (for years), its worn me down, but I held onto hope and onto my sense of responsibility. Now, hope is gone.

I watch her engaging in normal friendly conversations with other people, but dread when we’re alone because all I get is her suspicious wrath. Just in this last two weeks, this has begun to bother me. It hurts and angers me, even though I know it’s beyond her control. I’m never angry at her, but angry at it… the invisible monster, DD. I think I’ve been able to survive this decade, by knowing that all of this is beyond her control.

This new person that occupies my wife’s life is such an intruder. I go to sleep praying that tomorrow the intruder will be gone and my wife will be back, but it’s been a decade. And after Someguy1976’s and faithful’s posts its really starting to soak in that it’s over. But I find it hard to imagine letting go.

I am new to the forum... hello all. I read all your posts heavyhearted52 and sending lots of love your way.

I feel like I am losing my husband to this evil disease. My husband suffers from persecutory I believe. I don’t know for sure because he refuses to see a doctor and get properly diagnosed. He believes there are cameras all around the house and we are being actively streamed online for everybody to see. He believes people at work watch us shower and be intimate and that is why he is being held back. And then weeks can go by when he won’t mention any of it. He is highly functioning aside of this whole fiasco. At first I believed him because it started so mild. He came back home one day and said that people at work are taunting him about things he is researching online. So we scanned entire laptop to look for some viruses or some installed programs. We found nothing. I begged him to change his phone so he can get rid of suspicion but he won’t since he want to “keep collected evidence against them”. The thing is… he doesn’t have any evidence. Anyway, at first I jumped on that “we are being spied on” bandwagon but after few months I started doubting the entire thing and he started getting worse. In about a year he went from believing someone is spying on his phone to believing there are cameras with audio all around our apartment and his car that are livestream for everyone to see. During his lowest time he believed that I am one of the people that are out to get him and he cried and begged me to tell me the truth. Thankfully that passed and he now trusts me and wants to protect me. Except he is so fixated on how I don’t deserve it and how he wants to protect me that he is willing to abandon me and live in his car because they will follow him there and leave me alone. Thankfully that did not happen since I had a fit about it. By now I fully believe that he suffers from Delusional disorder. He doesn’t have family history of this disease and he just turned 30. Every time I bring up DD and seeing a doctor he gets very angry and sad at the same time that I don’t believe him. When he goes through those few days of believing

I am starting to wonder if maybe I am the one that is crazy and I should start thinking about how to help him. What if he is right and I am the one accusing him of this illness? I know for the fact that I would be absolutely devastated if he wouldn’t believe something I am struggling with.

What to do??

Bringonthehappy,

I’m sorry that it takes so long for me to reply, but my internet time is very limited. My Lady Love is suspicious of technology. When I’m on the computer she’s looking over my shoulder.

This might be helpful to you. The way that I got my wife to go to the first counselors with me was to convince her that I didn’t know why I was doing the things she said I was doing. Also, I didn’t remember doing them. She said I was lying. She said I knew what I was doing. So, I convinced her to come go with me and keep me straight. When I start lying, set the record straight. Let the counselor know what I was really doing. She was all too happy to do this… to tell on me.

At first, I didn’t think it was working. I led in with I’m doing things to my wife and don’t know I’m doing it. I said, she said I have the neighbors, police and the government spying on her. There was a bunch of other things. She would take over, telling more of her suspicions. When the counselors began questioning her, she’d become agitated and accuse them of being part of the conspiracy against her.

We moved on to other counselors, with her claims getting wilder. Then one counselor put a name on it. He recommended that she get an evaluation for Delusional Disorder. This gave me a starting point.

However, I'm not any closer to getting her evaluated and treated now, as I was then. That was in 2009. I’m still weighing should I stay and do what I consider my responsibility. Be miserable or be responsible? Each time I think of leaving, I think of the wife that used to exist in that body. It seems hopeless.