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Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Forum for significant others, family and friends of people with mental illness to discuss relevant issues they face.
Forum rules
This is a support forum for the family, partners and friends of those with mental health issues. This forum is intended to be a safe place to discuss information, give and receive support and learn about all the issues related to being involved with a person with a disorder. Whilst it can be healthy to express various emotions, please remember to be respectful about the disorder itself. This is a place for constructive discussions, not a venting forum.

The issues experienced by the significant others of those with disorders cannot always be discussed in the other parts of the site in a way that does not trigger those with disorders. Moderators may therefore move threads from other forums into this one at their discretion.

Re: Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Postby heavyhearted52 » Mon Jan 18, 2010 5:12 am

Well, not just pathwalkers, but compadres... compatriots. Okay, okay... friends. Believe me, “friend” is a word hard for me to use, but life is life and we are who we are. I guess I stumbled back in. Though our paths may never cross, we share so much. Thank you for you friendship. Nay, kinship. I guess we're related by a common suffering: we've lost love ones to the new inhabitants of our loved ones bodies and souls. We all seek paths to evict the strangers and return our loved ones to themselves, whole. We all seek to understand what happened and we all wonder why? We all shield our anger and ask what to do. We pray for help and, somehow, we all are relieved that our loved ones are oblivious to the pain that this Disorder brings. Ironically, the ones with Delusional Disorder are the sufferers, the survivors, supposedly us, are the ones that suffer most.

Well, I'm back to share something very positive. It has helped me immensely when I needed it the most and it may very well help you. I'll share that in a moment.

“mtfan_23320”, the lurking guest, noticed I was in trouble Saturday Jan. 09. I lurked for a couple of days myself and realized this is where I wanted to be. I heard the invites: “Come on in, pull up a chair, join the un-party and open up you heart.” By the way, if the numbers in your user-name is your postal zip code, I probably live within thirty miles of you. Actually, I was ebbing on Saturday. I began floundering Friday. You almost witnessed a meltdown. I'll explain this too in a moment.

“Chucky, Beautiful Mind, Husband and mtfan_23320, you're all correct. There was nothing to feel guilty about. I talked to my friend MM about it Monday. She became concerned about my state and gently began suggesting that I get some help, but I told her I already had a appointment. However, I didn't really figure it out until one or two o'clock Tuesday morning, while I was talking to the dog. From the time she first began talking about the odors and when I first began to try to gently usher her to a therapist, there was a week and half span. So, I really reacted as soon as I sure something was wrong.

Husband, I had to google “skype”. I'm not a skyper or IM'er. I like the complete anonymity of the message boards. I do like your user-name. I had considered HerHusband of HusbandOfHers, but the day that I got around to posting, I knew exactly how I felt.

First, what really placed me in my depressing funk, was my son's early arrival. Usually, he arrives for the weekend on Friday evenings. He was deeply depressed about losing his mother and she was still alive. I told him some more lies to make him feel better. Though I somehow manage to soothe the children and get them to understand that it's not Mama that's saying the things to hurt them, I always feel the hole in my heart getting larger. Sometimes I just want give up; throw in the towel; call it quits. But like “Husband” stated in his last post: “the only thing that keeps me going is the love for my kids and the loving hope for my wife”. Still, if breathing was not an automatic function, there have been moments where I just would not have had the will or desire to take the next breath.

This is the two-fold news I have to share and this might end up being my last post for a while, as well:

When we lost a child to cancer a few years ago, my youngest son had a very rough time dealing with it. We went to a grief counselor, who in the end referred us to hypnotherapist, who helped him get through it. I couldn't find the one my son went to. He'd moved from the area. So I found one in the yellowpages and told her what I was going though and asked if she could help. She could and did. That night I went home and when I was finally done with what I had to do, I settle into bed. I used the exercise she'd given me and fell straight to sleep. I slept for five glorious straight hours and could have slept longer if I didn't have to go to work. Last night, I slept for ten hours, just because I had the time. Before going to the hypnotherapist, I could only sleep a couple hours and wake up, pace a little then try to go back to sleep. I also have been relieved of stress and tension. I feel wonderful. Please try this. You will do yourself a world of good.

Also, Friday, My Lady Love began treatment so that she can come home. Right now, she's getting an evaluation and medicine for anxiety, in the city, six states away. Tomorrow, I will talk with the doctors about transferring her treatment here. I hope the outcome is as successful as that of “hermigo66”.

Thank you my friends. Please consider the hypnotherapy to ease your burden and pain. May God be with you.

Your friend,
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Re: Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Postby Husband » Mon Jan 18, 2010 8:03 am

Hello heavyhearted
It sure is good to see you back! And how nice that you finally accepted to seek some aid for yourself. I guess all of you readers may wonder what this foreigner is doing on your board? That's one of the things that make the Internet so good, the world really shrinks! Believe me I've been looking for boards like this in Europe, the closest thing I found was a norwegian board by and about bipolars. But the seriousity of the disorder you and me and all the rest of us on this board are facing is quite much more challenging than bipolars, please correct me if I'm wrong. I would very much like to hear from others if there's anyone who has ever experienced a schizoaffective spouse wanting to have a divorce during a bad episode or relapse. Wanting to move away from you and wanting to break up all the little you together may have gathered during only a few years of happy marriage. Fortunately I don't have kids with my sick spouse. I don't receive much information about her. Yesterday I called the ward to speak with one of my wifes nurses. The only thing she is allowed to tell me is that my wife is fine 'under the circumstances' and that there is a reason she is still admitted to hospital. (I feel a little comfort in that statement). Her brother told me a few days ago she had been talking about contacting a legal counsellor about our house. And when I hear such things I feel things are getting out of hand. At that moment someone has to stop her. Her medication may take a long time to gain full effect, but it's now close to two months with uninterrupted and stable medication. Question is; are the healthcare professionals enough professional? Or have the holiday season interrupted the care for here in any way? I was also told from her brother that she didn't believe a word in the letter I wrote to her. And that hurts quite a bit. I've promised not to contact her again until she contacts me so I feel that I cannot just write her another letter either. My only source of contact with her is through her psychologist who was sick the whole last week. But this guy isn't very cooperative with me due to my wife's instructions, and I also suspect him to be one of them who is blinded by my wifes 'apparently normal' behaviour towards others and the outside world. He even supports her in her will to separate even if every other person I've been talking to have told her not to experiment with such thoughts when ill. It will only make her own illness worse! I also feel that I wan't to have a talk with the psychiatrist that is in charge of her medication. This guy sees her only once a week!

I think I'll stop there for now, eagerly awaiting any reply!
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Re: Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Postby StartingHere » Mon Jan 18, 2010 10:36 pm

Thank you to everyone. This is my first post ... I've never participated a discussion board before, but then I've never allowed myself - or wanted to - face the fact that my husband "is the one" that needs fixed. It was always much easier/safer to believe it was me all these years. I’m the one with delusions. We’ve been married for 32 years. I began seeing a psychologist last November. She believes my husband has DD. He retired a year ago at age 67, I’m 55 and thankfully working full time, we have a 20yr old daughter in college. Last September I discovered my husband had been scammed by two advance fee sweepstakes frauds. Over three months time he paid over $32,000 via wire transfer to the crooks in Jamaica and Costa Rica from our savings and the day I discovered the activity he was arranging to send another $30,000. I confronted him and had a loving empathetic conversation with him, which afterwards he looked me in the eye and pleaded with me to talk to them (the scammers that had befriended him in phone calls day after day for months), then I would believe what he believed, that he had won 2.5 million dollars and once he paid the taxes and fees they would send him a check. He told me that he’s always known he would one day have great wealth. As I later came to realize the clairvoyant and psychic scammers he was also sending money for years were telling him he was destined for greatness too and the “all the riches of the world will be his soon.” My awareness suddenly put together so many pieces the last 32 years. His paranoid, his belittling, low self esteem, cocky ego, episodes and rages, trusting of strangers – skeptical of family. The last 5 months have been a nightmare for me … like I said, this is my first discussion board post. I have a lot to share but it’s really difficult and all still so confusing. I just want to start, because so many of you have helped me – just reading your stories and thoughts and feelings. If there’s just one person out there I can help, by my story, I want to start, and with hope and love in my heart for my husband, find my way through the hurt and anger.
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Re: Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Postby heavyhearted52 » Mon Nov 01, 2010 4:56 pm

Well, it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to make a post. Whenever I’m on the internet, my Lady Love is sitting right next to me. However, since computers are one of thing that they used to read her mind, she doesn’t use it at all. Still, she’s suspicious whenever I’m online, as they may try to communicate with me.
I’m so glad that its “THEY”, as early on it was me and the family that she was paranoid about .
While she was away, she continued to be haunted by imagined harmful odors, people following her, people reading her mind and people knowing her secrets. Then, everyone she knew there began trying to harm her. Of course, these were her delusions. So she returned out of fear. After having discovered that there was no escaping the odors and other problems, she reasoned that it had to be a force greater than I that was out to harm her.
When she returned, she again broke her word to get and continue treatment. Well, as we all know, to the person with Delusional Disorder, there’s nothing wrong with them.
This post isn’t about her or people with Delusion Disorder. This post is about most of us… you and I, those that love, live with, support and survive those with Delusional Disorder. We are the ones that can’t escape the reality of their disorder and we are the ones that live with the pain.
I beg you to get some help for yourself. That’s the best way that you can help them and survive DD yourself. Around the end of last year or the first of this year, I posted that’d I gone to family counselors and psychologists to learn how to help my Lady Love. During this period, my blood pressure began to spike, I was having trouble sleeping, I was becoming edgy and I’d developed a tightness in my chest. These were symptoms of stress and anxiety that I’d virtually ignored. Then, when I became concerned about them and my friend, MM, noticed the non-physical symptoms that she observed while talking to me, I went to a hypnotherapist. That turned out to be the smartest thing I could have done.
In two sessions I was able to learn to induce a state of relaxation whenever I’m beginning to feel stressed. Then, I learned an excise to ease my anxiety, anger, frustration and sadness. These are the emotions that tormented me while I tried to deal with my wife’s problem. Now calmer, I’m able to deal with her delusional accusations and/or statements. I’ve learned not to agree or disagree with her delusions by answering her with questions, then she challenges her own delusions. For instance, when she says she’s seen a particular car before and someone is following her, I’ll question her. I’ll ask:”Honey, how many black Impalas are there in this city? Are you sure that that’s the same car and driver?” Aside from those questions I’ll drop the subject and let her reason it out. More often than not, the discussion will fade away. When she says she’s certain the car is following her, she’ll write down the license plate number. From then on, she’ll check the license plate number of black impala we encounter.
Now, life with my Lady Love isn’t great, because of the paranoia, but it’s far better than when she was hostile towards us, her family.
All attempts to talk her into getting help have always been met with angry, defensive denial so that I decided to give it a break. She of course interpreted the suggestions as accusing her of being crazy, no matter how gingerly the suggestion was presented. I went a couple of weeks of without saying anything about her needing help. Then she began questioning her own thoughts. She asks, what is wrong with her thoughts? Instead of trying to push, my strategy now is to gently guide her into making the right decision.
Please to better help your loved one, get help for yourself.
I’ll post again as soon as I can sneak on the computer, again.
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Re: Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Postby sickhusband » Wed Jun 08, 2011 7:17 pm

My husband is showering so I may have to cut this short. Oh, where to begin?
Nine years ago it started with a vengence. He was irate that I was having an affair, threatening to divorce me and put the house on the market. All this from my dear husband of nearly 45 years (now). He has made threats multiple times...not physical ones but divorce and such. We have 2 adult unmarried children...one daughter living here on a medical disability and a son out of state unemployed. Finances are a consideration so living separately is not prudent. A few years ago we did put the house on the market but there was no interest. We live in Scottsdale, AZ , the secong top worst housing market. He is convinced that it will disappear if we move. Therapists are not.
He suspects that someone is living or going into our attic and comes through the MBR closet to be with me. It doesn't matter if we're holding eachother in bed or if I'm in a recliner (as I am now) recovering from my second knee replacement.
He hears noises and senses things. We have ADT and have had the 3 attic entrances sealed but it matters not. Our BR doors are locked and a wooden box is in front of it. I have even taken a lie detector test which helped for only a few days.
He shares this with noone because I think in the back of his mind he knows it doean't sound right. Our daughter is the only one he can talk to and she can't get through to him. Sometimes one of us sleeps overnight at her house for relief but it's hard on her emotionally. He wants me to admit the affair and for years he thoufht it was our neighbor. He evn confronted him and his wife. I was terrified they would call the police. They didn't but will if it happens again. I need him in so many ways. It hurts like hell.
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Re: Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Postby taraguffey » Thu Nov 03, 2011 4:58 pm

This is for heavyhearted and everyone else watching a loved one lose themselves to delusion.

I found your post because my brothers wife has slipped. Bigger than any slip I've ever seen and I was married to a (very functional) schitzophrenic for 12 years. My marriage ended after years of trying to "heal" my husband. He left me for a woman whom he said respected him because according to him I had lost all respect for him and our marriage.
My brothers wifes trouble began earlier this year when she stared using something called Bath Salts. Very scary stuff that causes severe delusions and paranoria. My brother is fighting for his family right now. I want to help him and I thought I could help given my 12 years of experince with delusions... but there is nothing I can do..nothing I can say. The only advice I can give him is "So What"...neighbors are spying on you "so what" ...you're receiving threatening messages through your closed captioning "so what"...The best thing I could ever get my husband to say was "so what". This simple little phrase helped him to find joy in life. Saying "so what" helped him to see that just because he had these thoughts it didnt mean anything was going to happen. The more he said "so what" the more he was able to ignore the impending doom of his terrifying delusions. Its a very sublte/simple concept to try to convey in typed words but I hope I have gotten the point across to those that it may help.
I found your post and it moved me to tears. Your story is heartbreaking and I hope you have found some joy in life. These spouses are in a very fragil and scary place but it is also a very selfish place. No one can help them but themselves..no matter how hard we try to "heal" them the healing can only come from inside. Please dont blame yourself anymore.
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Re: Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Postby TheUnbeliever » Thu Nov 10, 2011 8:04 pm

Hello all. I call myself TheUnbeliever because that is the position I have found myself in with my husband. I don't believe him, I am an unsupportive wife, I don't understand how business works, yada yada yada...

My nightmare started 6 years ago when my husband awakened me in the dead of night, screaming and yelling about how I'd stolen his contract and sold it to someone. I quickly found it between 2 files but was in utter disbelief over the accusations. He was a small logging contractor for a large mill and he began to tell me a bizarre story about how the mill was using him to set contractor rates across the country. In the morning, he rushed over to his partner's home, hysterical and stating that they needed to start hiding their assets. I knew there was something very very wrong and took steps to see a counselor together.

The first and only counselor we saw stated that my husband had a simple stress breakdown, that he was perfectly fine, and it was unlikely to recurr. Even then, my husband had a mental stranglehold on his delusional thoughts and when I tried to address the issue, the counselor shut me down, stating it wasn't open to discussion and that I needed to shut up and just listen to my husband, that I wasn't required to have an opinion. He then shook my husband's hand and told him not to believe anyone else, that he was perfectly fine mentally.

My first mistake was going to a family counselor, and not someone who was equipped to deal with the issue. I spoke to my family Dr., who called a phychiatrist which I then explained the situation to. Both Dr.s felt he was exhibiting classic signs of Paranoid Personality Disorder, but my husband refused to see either of them, insisting that he'd been seen and was fine. In the last 6 years he has clung to the original counselor's words and nothing enrages him more than the suggestion that he seek help. I've gone alone, in hopes of finding some way to help him, and some way to cope. I don't have any hopes that he's ever going to get better and day by day, year by year, I watch him descend further into madness.

This year, he finally lost his contract, due to too much "reading between the lines" which he is a master of. Some of our employees were afraid of him, and some were angry with him, his business partner tried hard to smooth things over but even he was frustrated and relieved when they finally lost the contract. The mill refused to deal with him at all, preferring his partner, which, to my husband, meant the mill was trying to get rid of his partner so he could have the contract alone. Because he's the best in the business, you see, and the funny thing is, he really is the best in the business. His contract dealings were all mixed up with truth and conjecture, and sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference. I hoped that once he lost the contract, that his mental problems would improve or disappear, but that is not the case at all. He's still focused on the mill, he still believes they have big plans for him and he's going to get his contract back any time. He sets up deadlines for when they're going to call, and when they don't, he sets new dates, and states that he doesn't know exactly what their plans are, and he might be wrong about the date but they're still going to call. The next date is January. Then it'll be spring, then it'll be next fall. This is never going to end.

Doesn't sound that bad, does it? Not unless your living it I guess. If I dare to disagree with anything he says, he explodes in rage and verbally attacks me. I won't go into details, let's just say it's words that should never be spoken to someone you love. Once in awhile, he apologizes, saying he didn't mean it, he was just mad, but it doesn't stop him from saying the same things the next time. I try hard to tell myself that it's the mental illness talking, but that's wearing thin. I'm tired of being told I'm a worthless person, I'm tired of him placing all the blame squarely on my shoulders, I'm tired of defending myself.

Kids? Yes, we have 2, one is 21, and the other is 17. Has it affected them? Yes! My husband thinks the mill arranged for their jobs, he thinks the mill controls whether or not they win a competition, he thinks the mill knows how often and what time we go to the bathroom. They both think his mental illness is obvious and they have lost their respect for him. They still love him, and feel very sorry for him, and have had to live their lives being careful of what they say around him and hoping like hell he's not having an episode when they bring friends home. They are careful to omit if one of their friend's parents work for the mill, because right away he's suspicious that they might be spying on him. They have both confronted him about his warped reality, and been threatened in return. It's a juggling act to try to keep them out of our arguments when they want to jump in to defend me, there's been many days of them weeping in the basement holding each other as their Dad has yet another episode. Yet they too, are losing hope, and coming to terms with the fact that our family is coming apart, going so far as to tell me that they don't blame me if I want to leave. I am just afraid that I have taught them to make excuses for abuse in the name of mental illness. My son moved out a couple of years ago, forcibly after I called police during an argument that escalated into physical violence between him and his father. I thought the court would order counseling, and they did, for my son, but my husband was able to buy his way out of it. At least my precious son was helped, but I mourn the fact he was ever put in that position.

I am so angry with my husband's family. They refuse to believe that there is anything wrong with their son/brother. They accuse me of trying to hurt him, stating that if he lost his contract it is because I am trying to convince people he is crazy. That would benefit our family how, exactly? They believe I am the one with mental issues. They have forwarded my emails to him, and repeated my phone calls to him. My husband denies saying the things I have detailed, and when I questioned him as to why, he said, "You don't believe me, my business partner doesn't believe me, and I know it sounds crazy, but I'm not going to have my family think I'm crazy". And he sits there smirking at me. I suggested one sister call his business partner and she did, but then his family decided that his partner probably had an ulterior motive to take over the business. They don't talk to my kids about the situation, because they believe they're brainwashed by me, and my kids are afraid to discuss it with them because they've seen what's happened to me and are afraid of repercussions from their father.

I'm making plans for life on my own. I feel guilty for abandoning my husband, what if it was the other way around? My husband has alienated our friends and my family and when I go to bed at night I have no idea who the stranger is next to me. I will always love him and care about him, I just don't think I can live with him anymore.
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Re: Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Postby islandlady » Fri Jun 08, 2012 1:43 pm

I am just realizing my husband's jealousy is more than that, it's delusional disorder. He would always make comments that I was meeting some one if I was home a few minutes late. When I would go visit my family he would also acuse me of seeing someone. He would give me the cold shoulder for days. This last time we had dinner with a couple we see quite often the next day he wanted to know what I was doing along side of their house with the husband. I told him we were looking at the registration sticker on the boat. Then the cold shoulder started and he accused me of having an afair with my friend. Yesterday he left me a note stating he was spying on me and saw what I was doing. That's when I knew, this is more than just jealousy, this is delusional. He doesn't communicate with me and from the reports I have been reading it doesn't sound like there is much hope. For years I mixed this problem up with a trust issue because he told me his first wife cheated on him but now I am questioning that as well. He is very self-consious, he won't dance because he feels everyone is looking at him. The more I think back, this has been going on since I met him. I am trying to hold it together but I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. We have been together for about 25 years. I figured out defending myself isn't a good idea, he just gets defensive. Calling him crazy isn't such a good idea now that I think about it either, which I have done in the past, because he is really crazy. I am trying to be helpful and supportive but I think he feels I am doing that out of guilt. I am lost and I know he will never see anyone or take any medication. Any suggestion on how to cope or help this situation would be greatly appreciated.
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Re: Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Postby sanmom3 » Sat Jun 09, 2012 10:28 pm

I'm so sorry about the recent developments with your husband. It is very sad. I've learned a lot about steps to take from reading this forum. In general, you can write information to his physician, and call a crisis line. The crisis line can likely tell you about other helpful agencies, including the possibility of someone coming to your house to assess him. You'll likely need to not tell him the appointment is for him, but for you or your relationship, or something like that. Or, he may agree to see someone in order to talk about his 'difficulty' with you. I'd like to offer more hope, but from my own experience and others' here, it is not likely to get better.
My mom with delusions is now divorcing, causing a lengthy divorce, is living in her own apartment, but a mere 3 months after no longer living with her spouse, who she believed was having affairs, tracking her, poisoning her, etc., now believes I've been taking things from her apartment. It is so sad and she is further isolating.
I only tell you this so that you can better realize the reality. It took a while for us to know there is no logic, no convincing.
I still wish you good luck and maybe with treatment, he can get better. Some have.
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Re: Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Postby NotGuilty » Thu Dec 20, 2012 5:34 pm

I am sending lots of positive energy to all the spouses and family members of those suffering from DD.

Has anyone had experience with in-patient treatment programs such as this one?

http://www.bridgestorecovery.com/delusional-disorder-treatment/
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