Spouse with Delusional Disorder

Dear All,
It is great to have found this page. I, too, feel quite hopeless. My wife of 11 years, who is a Russian living in the US has convinced herself that she will leave the US and marry Vladimir Putin. We both work from home and she rarely has contact with people. She isn't interested in seeing my friends, and she has pushed away her mother, and her closest (former) friends. She spends much of the day ranting and raving, speaking to voices in her head. The dilemma I find myself with is that she wants to leave me, to go to Russia, but she has nowhere to stay there, and her illness has gotten to the point where I don't think she can really communicate with people all that well. She wants to quit her job and to make documentary films. She has also taken to drinking beer all day. Sometimes she will have moments of lucidity, and she has admitted from time to time that she does have psychosis. She also is interested in psychology and listens to psychological lectures/blogs, etc, but she accuses everyone around her of suffering from something, never herself. Sometimes she can scream about stuff (in Russian). She also thinks she has psychic powers. I almost have to laugh - or else I'll cry! And the person she's become over the past year or so is really not someone I want to spend my life with, but I know there is a good person inside there. She pushes me to want to go away, to work, or to be with friends, but at the same time she needs me there - but abuses me verbally when I'm there. My biggest fear is that she does leave, and ends up alone in Russia, no money and no one to take care of her, and then what? I don't know what kind of job she can secure on her own, or where she would live. I've even spoken to my local police, given them a "heads up" that they may need to be called in, to be taken involuntarily to the hospital. But I'm also afraid that this will push her over the edge and she will continue to refuse treatment and will leave for good after that. But this may be my only hope.
I forgot to mention that we have seen psychiatrists before. 2 years ago she was first showing signs of psychosis, and she was given antipsychotic drugs. They worked pretty well, but she didn't like the side effects. Then she went off them. Then months passed, we moved out of the city into the country, things were more or less okay but she was depressed. Then we saw a Russian psychologist who helped but was very expensive (not in our healthcare network). Then one day she said she would divorce me and leave, which shocked me, and I got a call from the psychologist saying she had canceled her next appointment. I explained the situation, and the psychologist told me that she may be having a psychotic episode and that I shouldn't really take what she's saying seriously. That helped - and I find myself doing this all the time these days. That night she "came to" and said she didn't want a divorce and was going crazy. Later on we started seeing a psychiatrist who gave her antipsychotic drugs, but she wouldn't stick to it - thought they helped. Then we stopped seeing that doctor, and later saw another who gave her just antidepressants, which also helped a great deal.
At this point, she discovered *mod edit* a Russian psychologist and more of a hypnotist/psychoanalyst. She became very interested in his videos and his methods - claiming that he can "cure" psychosis. This guy has an institute you can go to in *mod edit* Russia - and my wife decided she would go to this. I was totally against it and ultimately accepted that, hey, maybe it would help? Couldn't hurt, at least? And she went for a 7-day psychoanalytical treatment, with hypnosis, and all day programs. I was worried sick but was hopeful that it might help, especially being in her native language, and being something she believed in. 2 weeks later I went to pick her up at the airport and she wouldn't kiss or embrace me. She would to seance-like stuff, talking about people and countries and almost like an exorcist or some sort of psychic, talking and spitting out nonsense. Needless to say, the treatment made her condition worse than ever (and cost a whole lot on top of that). And she's been pretty much like that ever since. Now I'm the only person she'll talk to, though she continues to declare that we'll get a divorce, and I'm talking to her mother and brother, and close friends who all want me to have her "committed" - but we can't really do that in this day and age. She has to be a threat to herself and others, which I'm not convinced she is (yet). Though she has punched me!
So I'm now in "babysitter" mode - basically sitting here, watching her, trying not to get wrapped up in what she's saying (a lot of it seems intended to get me angry). I figure it will either improve on its own, or it will worsen to the point that she recognizes she needs psychiatric help - or it will worsen to the point where I have to have her taken away by the police. Can anyone relate to this?
Any advice would be appreciated! I don't want to have her leave me and end up alone in a different country, while having a treatable illness. Should I just call the police and get it over with?

Thanks in advance!

It sounds ironic to say I guess, but welcome to the forum. I'm sorry nobody has replied. I'm having my own somewhat similar issues with my wife. Although nothing as grandiose as involving Vladimir Putin. The laws vary from state to state, but basically until they're a danger to you or themselves, the police can't do anything. If she's physically hitting you, you can call the police, but they cannot force her to get mental health treatment. As far as I know, there is almost no legal way to force someone to get help. So you could call them and they could even "take her away", but they can't hold her for more than a couple days and when she returns you'll also be "outted" like every one else

My counselor has said that my wife needs to "hit bottom" before she'll be willing to get help. In a lot of respects, it's not much different than an alcoholic or drug addict. I wish I had better adivce to give and I wish someone had better advice to give me too. It seems like it's very much a choice of 2 very diffult options 1) leave or 2) stay and tough it out as long as you can - then leave.

Came across this thread today. Not sure if it is still being viewed, but wanted to drop my thoughts. In February of last year I finally left my husband after 31 years. It meant walking away from my home to live in a room that I rent…..while still having to pay the mortgage on the house that he continues to live in. This is the case because he refused to leave, and he is collecting SSD for his paranoia and depression (which means alimony).

The straw that finally broke the camel’s back was his insistence that I was not only having sex with my brother, but that I have been doing so for the past 30 years. He further asserted that he saw me performing an act on him in our living room, but he chose not to say anything.

This was far from the first time I’d been accused of infidelity. There was no male that was too old, too young, too short, too fat…..they were all fair game because I just couldn’t help myself. He questioned the undergarments I wore, my clothing selections, the legitimacy of my male friendships, whether I was at work…..

He would “pop up” at the gym or the restaurant/coffee shop where me and a girlfriend were meeting. One time, he took all of the money out of our bank account when he knew I was having dinner with a male friend. This resulted in my card being declined, which was extremely embarrassing. When I asked him about it when I got home, he was unapologetic. He also disposed of the underwear I was wearing that night because I placed them in the dirty clothes hamper to mock him.

I stayed with him when he thought he was being followed by the police, when he thought people that worked in the grocery store were announcing his arrival over the PA system and when he was mailing packages to himself to ensure they weren’t being tampered with.

We stopped associating with other couples because he was always watching and waiting for me to make a move on the male member of the couple. He has openly accused other family members of engaging in inappropriate behavior with me and embarrassed me in front of strangers. He has promised to kill me on more than one occasion and destroyed my personal property.

We are now in the process of divorce, which is not moving as quickly as it could because I am “hiding assets” and not being truthful. He has changed the locks on the house two times even though he has been told that I have every right to go to the home. I will have to give him half of my stock option money, 401K and funds from the sale of our houses. And I couldn’t be happier.

He will never change, as I am the one with the issue. He takes no medication and is not in counseling. I feel such a feeling of relief and freedom that it is worth the price I will have to pay. I looked on Amazon Prime, and found that you can’t buy peace of mind. I’d rather eat Top Ramen and live in a hovel then to continue to live with insanity.

For those of you that have chosen to “hang in there”, I would suggest seeing a therapist and doing some serious introspection. I am not a victim, as I allowed all of this to occur. We teach people how to treat us, and I had free will to stop it well before now.

For the first time in decades, I am looking ahead, as opposed to living in dread. Life is good!

Well finallyfree I’m sorry for the hell you’ve been through. But I’m glad that you’re moving on and feeling better. I’m still hanging in there. My wife’s delusions are quite as severe as your husbands but she’s not getting better and I fear that they’ll get worse. So for now I push through each day and hang in there. And do a lot of praying.

Hey everyone ,
It's been quite a while since i last visited this forum . My journey with Delusional partner has ended . Sadly i had to pay the price of losing the one person i Loved the most too. And no , I didn't end it . I was hopeless and just couldn't leave . I was ready to hang in there and take everything he threw at me . But nothing i did was enough i guess . He was the one who broke up . He probably got tired of spying on me all the time. I have peace now . But the peace is because my life is so mundane. I'm not happy. I don't want to be with him and keep suffering . But I feel really empty . I feel this tingling feeling all over my body and I get heavy palpitations out of no where . And i feel this heavy weight on my chest that makes breathing a little difficult. Distraction helps . But sometimes even when I'm watching something interesting or working on something I get that feeling . It's the same feeling as stage fright . I can't talk to anyone i know about this. I lost
two of my best friends in the DD mess . I didn't think twice before i stopped talking to them and ignored their existence . They didn't try either . They didn't try to know if anythings wrong or if somethings wrong. They just pretend i don't exist too . I don't want them back in my life again or anyone I've ever known . I know that no one will understand . I tried talking to a girl who has no clue about anything because she's a friend from college . But i just couldn't get myself to speak anything. I tried . But i just couldn't . And thr fact that i even brought up our break up made me very uneasy . How do i deal with this . It's been more than a month now . I thought I'd be better without the mess . But why am I still so not ok .

Jemma, I'm not going through the exact same situation that you have been through. My husband is delusional, but it doesn't involve how he is with me. He is still loving and caring. He sees others as spys and people out to harm him. I wrote a letter to one of the doctors he is going to see in a few weeks to see if he can get him on Xanax or something without it being obvious about it. The doctor is his cardiologist and his blood pressure has been really high. I think it's because the stress he has put himself under. As for your situation....an month is not long enough to get over what you have been through. We are "wired" to be a certain way and it will take a while to "rewire" yourself and find a different way of life. My advice to you is to not spend too much time alone, you do need distraction. If you can, try taking some classes.....in anything! Art, sign language, anything. Learn a new skill. Volunteer somewhere. Activity directors in nursing homes are always looking for someone to help them with activities. But try to get out of yourself and do something totally different. I hope this helps, and that you check in from time to time to let us know how your are doing. My prayers are with you.

Hey Jemma,

Just from my personal experience with a toxic relationship ...

It's not going to be easy. Accepting this and starting with this expectation can make it a little easier though, because we don't add to our anxiety and depression believing something is 'wrong' for not getting over it quickly.

You're brain has been re-wired to become use to this other person, including abuse; to see yourself in terms of your relationship with him, and see yourself in the image he encouraged you to believe. That wiring runs deep now.

It does take time to re-wire, just as it took time to get to where you are now. This is normal.

Question - Are you having even a few moments, however brief (could just be a few seconds), or while sleeping, where you forget about him, where it's not on your mind? If so, you are making progress.

I will write a separate post regarding why I think this happens, but not sure it will help.

Jemma,

I am going to use an analogy, and it won't be perfect, but it will make it simpler for me to explain why I think this happens...

Sometimes a new owner acquires, or buys, a puppy. For the owner it's a new thrill, and for the puppy, maybe scary, but it doesn't take long before the puppy feels at home. Initially everything is great, a new experience for both, and the owner lavishes love on their new acquisition. For the puppy, a whole new experience too, but the puppy is completely dependent on their owner (more on that below).

Problem is eventually the puppy starts to grow up, and eventually, the thrill of newness wears off for the owner. The puppy stretches his wings (or paws) a bit, sometimes doesn't do exactly what the new owner wants.

Now if the owner was someone who could really love, he/she would expect the puppy to grow and have his/her own independent personality. Problem is some owners cannot do that. They see the puppy as an object, an extension of themselves, and their expectations of how the puppy should behave to make them look like a good owner. Or maybe the new owner grows bored and gets another puppy, or a few more, but they will grow bored with those too.

For the puppy, he/she lives for the moments of love and affection, the scoldings hurt, and worse still, for a bored owner, eventually it doesn't matter what the puppy does or doesn't, the owner is just bored, or controlling. But it's all the puppy knows or remembers, those moments of love and affection. They have forgotten before that (which wasn't so great, being alone isn't), but also, the puppy can do no right anymore either. The puppy can try harder to please their owner, but the owner can't actually be pleased. Even if the puppy tries, the owner can make new demands.


--

Now I am not meaning you are a puppy. What I mean is that initial bombardment of love and affection wakens the puppy in us. No shame in that, it is something we needed, it's why many of us pick toxic partners. But now you've changed too. I leave it to you to understand what you need going forward. You know for sure that being controlled is not it.

This the painful transition we all go through with a toxic partner who presented as ideal, but then wanted to control us. It's not easy. The forward path is tough, to let go over our inner puppy, but the backwards path is not easy either, to repeat what we already know doesn't work either.

For whatever it's worth I know you are hurting. I also made the mistake of pouring all my emotional trust into someone else, who turned out to be toxic, but at the time it made sense to my inner puppy.

Hey Xdude ,

What you said , made sense. I get it.

Whatever happened in the past few months during the DD phase is now affecting most of my life decisions . I hate ( and when i say hate it is pure hate feelings of anguish and dislike ) all those guys he accused me with . I know that none of them have any idea of a single thing that went down between us . They are completely innocent. But I can't even stand the thought of them . I hate them just for existing. I know it is wrong. I do everything in my possible limit to never see them . I stopped going to my old church . Or even going that way . I avoid any place where i may even see any of those guys.

And if I ever see them passing by on the road. It gives me anxiety . A lot of anxiety. I hate them to the extent that i don't want to do anything even related to those guys .

Recently I thought i should learn an instrument to distract myself. I always wanted to learn how to play the guitar but i chose not to because one of those guys plays the guitar . So i decided to learn the ukulele . Because string instruments are the only affordable and self learning instruments i can get from my own pocket money because my parents don't support music . I told my brother that i got a ukulele and i was really excited about it and I've been practicing air chords and strums for a quiet some time now i was excited for something in a long time until my brother told me that the guitar guy I mentioned earlier also plays the ukulele now and those words gave me so much anxiety I don't feel like touching the ukulele anymore. I suddenly hate the instrument . I already got it and I do want to play it. But now Everytime I think about the ukulele it gives me anxiety . I feel like my ex is going to think i got it because he got it . Its just so overwhelming . I don't know what to do. I just hate them so much and I really want to play thr instrument and be excited again I haven't been excited about anything in a long time now .


PS : sorry for being a cry baby all the time. I don't give any advice or help others on this thread. I just come and cry about my problems . But this is the only way to tell anyone how I feel. I don't have anyone to talk to .

Jemma,

That sense of 'I can't enjoy anything anymore', yes, that's normal when in a toxic relationship. Not normal as in a healthy way to live, just that those in toxic relationships end up reaching a point of feeling no joy in life.

Unfortunately it's also why we may hang in there, because it doesn't feel good in the relationship, and it (temporarily) feels even worse to break it off. Temporarily can be weeks, months, sometimes longer. We have literally had our brains trained to be dependent on our toxic partner for scraps of self-esteem boosts, and really do believe that nothing else can feel good without them being involved in some way (even if it's just to criticize us).

But also the more time you spend away from him, the better you will feel. It might only be momentarily at first, but those moments will increase. It's a tough transition, because it's so easy to go backwards. Every time you do though it resets some of the progress you are making.

Please keep on writing here as you need. Better of course would be someone in your life like a friend or therapist to speak with, but that's not always possible.