Do they still love you after they leave you?

Hello all. This older post is somewhat unusual, in that it addresses relationships with both significant others with BPD and also those with HPD. But in any case, it better fits our Significant Others, Family and Friends forum, so I am moving it to that location, leaving a shadow thread in the BPD forum, in case any folks with BPD have insights they would like to contribute. Thanks all, moderator Orion

(thread continues)

Ok I haven't read through all the posts because there's too many so someone may have covered this already, but I'll briefly explain something. I have BPD and it's like this. The answer to your question is yes and no. During and after the relationship I have personally found (and from reading about others' experiences) that due to our black and white thinking, caused by various factors in childhood, we switch between extremes of love and hate for the person. This can go on for years after the relationship. It is NOT a deliberate act. We get extremely stressed by this and struggle with trying to figure out which side is the correct side. It looks cruel to others, but to the person with BPD it is extremely difficult and I emphasize NOT done on purpose. Explaining exactly why requires a lot longer explanation.

JanW wrote:Ok I haven't read through all the posts because there's too many so someone may have covered this already, but I'll briefly explain something. I have BPD and it's like this. The answer to your question is yes and no. During and after the relationship I have personally found (and from reading about others' experiences) that due to our black and white thinking, caused by various factors in childhood, we switch between extremes of love and hate for the person. This can go on for years after the relationship. It is NOT a deliberate act. We get extremely stressed by this and struggle with trying to figure out which side is the correct side. It looks cruel to others, but to the person with BPD it is extremely difficult and I emphasize NOT done on purpose. Explaining exactly why requires a lot longer explanation.

^this was insightful. Thank you

In HELsinki wrote:But am still missing her. I must be really stupid.

Your post really stuck out for me.... my response to this last part is:
No, you just fell in love with the good parts, and hated the bad parts. Remain NC and give yourself time adequate time to heal. There's probably half a billion people on the planet who would be a better match for you.

Read this:
http://www.psychforums.com/histrionic-personality/topic56748.html#p416432

It helped me finally reach the total detachment phase I needed in order to move on.

Hi, I am new here and I am nonBPD, this is the question I wanted to ask as well.

I have been in a relationship with my exBPDGF for 12 years and we broke up 9 weeks ago and is on NC for the past 2 weeks. Now, she does not make any attempts to reach out as well after me going NC. The broke up was about some stupid reasons and I was split black.

2 days after the break up, she started calling up guys and we were still in contact at that time and she was practically going into circular accusations whenever we talk or text.

I do not know about BPD or any PD before the break up and it was devastating. Still is.

My question is : does the NC from her side means that she has moved on? Its 12 years, I was not only walking on eggshells, i was walking on threads all the time. After discovering this forum, it really open up to me about BPD and I have started my therapy 5 weeks ago.

She has been cheating on me on and off, which I found out only after the breakup, emotionally cheating like talking to other guys on the phone and meeting up for meals. Random guys she meet in the internet.

For the 12 years we had, am I living in a lie or she does love me in any way? She left and went back to her parents after a very vile argument with me. I really love her and still is although she was very vulgar and devaluing all the time, extreme jealousy, rage and rage and rage all the time.