Just a thought for those who complain about dating HPDs

I am HPD, and let me tell you it is not easy. You think its hard being tossed around by someone you love with HPD, how do you think it is for us?
Many HPD's are not completely heartless, just completely self-centered.

But let me tell you, reading some of the things people have to say in this forum has scared me. I may be promiscuious, but i am in the prime of my life. And when i read what everyone says, i feel as if i will never find love. That having this disorder has set me up for a lifetime of love failure!
Currently i am trying to make changes. I have stopped "hooking up" randomly, and am working on building relationships. But is has not been easy, and when i hear stories about other HPD girls ruining relationships it makes me feel like $#%^. This may be something every HPD girl may say, but i am waiting to be saved. I truely believe it.

Now i should also mention that i only fit 5 out the 8 major points in HPD. I had depression, and have a somewhat severe anxiety.

Thanks for reading.
I just needed to get that out there.

Hey Knots,


Welcome!............Don't worry all HPD's are not the same....
It's just that a lot of deeply hurt people find this web-site while
looking for answers.



WN

Hey Knots11 welcome to the forum. Are you in counseling to help you with your HPD?

I believe you when you say it is not easy. I saw my own ex HPD struggle with it daily. Many times she would say 'I wish I was like other normal people'. She had a difficult time controlling her impulses and always looked to me as her Knight... I was gonna save her she would often say...

She struggled with true intimacy. It scared her to death to go there. Instead she would often create a somatic complaint or some other drama, and ask me to rescue her from it. She always wanted to have sex because in her mind if I orgasmed she would have atleast temporarily secured her supply.

Her fear based thinking ran rampant and it contributed to her very needy and clingy behavior. She would run herself exhausted in creating dramas she thought would ensure I would stay.

It was too hard to be completely honest, it was too raw for her to touch. The stress in her would easily overwhelm her and that is when I noticed that her impulses would be out of control. Random sex, flirting, and spending if she had it. She would feel awful about it later, but not enough to change the cycle.

I now believe she can't, and part of her doesn't really want too. She has become an addict to her own vicious cycle. Even if people get hurt, she is still a junkie of sorts and the most priceless word on the streets is'never trust a junkie'.

I hope you can contain this, and I hope you are getting the help that you will certainly need. Just posting here shows on some level you are trying and I hope you succeed

I have been in counseling on and off for about 5 years, and this is the most current issue that i am working on.
But the harder i try and the more i think about it, i do not think change is possible. How can i change my PERSONALITY? Its a disorder in my personality... so... what do i... do???

knots11 wrote:I have been in counseling on and off for about 5 years, and this is the most current issue that i am working on.
But the harder i try and the more i think about it, i do not think change is possible. How can i change my PERSONALITY? Its a disorder in my personality... so... what do i... do???

What do you do?

Five years of half-hearted counselling.

You do the same thing you've been doing...

nothing.

Until you accept personal responsibility and make a commitment to change yourself there is nothing to be done.

The road to self improvement is hard and fraught with difficulty.

That's a good thing though because anything worth doing, anything worth having is worth working for. And by "working for" I mean busting your ass. Easy rewards are worth nothing.

I don't know if this is the right place to put this. But maybe someone maight be able to help me understand better.

As a non HPD I have a question this may come across as a relationship stand point but I can’t explain my goals unless I explain my situation . I believe I was in a relationship with a girl who has HPD. I loved her and it was a short relationship (4 months but we were friend for about 4 years) she would always be in relationship but these relationship would be with people who would mistreated her and make her feel unwanted. Not to sound offensive but she was playing the victim, I talk to some of her ex’s and because I knew her well I knew some of her ex’s. I wanted to understand why she had to flirt with other guys why did she need other guys to notice her on nights out why I never felt like I was enough. She would dress up and come down stairs and she would look beautiful, but every time she came down it didn’t seem like she did it to empress me.

I had to find an answer, I read about some guys experiences with regarding relationship with someone who has HPD and it seemed the same. I caught her tell some guy that she wanted him to cwtch (welsh for cuddling affectionately) her in bed it hurt and she seemed to show little remorse for it. I was hurt I lost a lot of confidence and I just couldn’t believe that someone who was my world could just do that to me. But I felt I could fix her I could make her see that no matter what she would do I would always forgive her, I’d still love her. So I tried to fight past it sallow my pride and take it on the chin, this was before I read about this disorder however.
With everything that has happened between me and her I don’t think there will be a relationship again where I can trust her because when we were in the mist of getting back together she slept with my friend knowing I was waiting on her answer to take me back. She argued that she was single I agreed and I thought I could live with that but know that someone else had made love to her ate away at me. So that pretty much the end of the story I got angry and said a lot of hurtful things to her and her friends about her. I don’t hate her for how she made me feel at the end because the way she made me feel when we started was so amazing I would never be able to hate her, She was the first girl I have ever fell in love with I’m 23 and have commitment issues because I just don’t really trust people.

But for some reason I’m a little fixated on saving her. I don’t want her to feel alone, I don’t want her to feel she needs everyone’s attention. I guess I’m naïve to think I’ll be enough and there’s a part of me that thinks maybe in 5 years we will meet again and we both would have matured and everything was meant to be. But it seems the harsh reality is she has HPD and so this behaviour is not something that can’t simple change through maturity changed. So my question is how I can save someone with HPD. How can I show her that I’d do anything for her, I mean anything if she needs drama I’ll make drama if she need my attention I’ll give her all of it.

I can deal with the disrespect for my feeling and my emotions and I can deal with her need for attention from other guys to an extent obviously. But the only thing I can’t deal with is lack of loyalty, I can’t deal with the fact that she was with someone for a year and half and they talked about getting married and having children, and a month later cheated on him with me. She made me think that she mistreated her made me think I was saving her. I hate cheater and I think it’s disgusting and I was disgusted with myself for going along with it. She broken that man, she killed him, he was anit-drug and because of what happened he abused them to escape reality for a while. He told me about what she had put him through and how he despises her and that she is a toxic person. I don’t blame him she hurt him and really put him through a lot of emotional destress. I went through a bit I had about 2 major break downs because of her, where I got to the point of thinking I can’t live without her and that I don’t want to stay on this earth if she isn’t mine.

Don’t miss understand because sometimes I don’t explain myself well I’m not blaming her actions on her being HPD but I think it cause her to think that’s the only way she can deal with the situation. What I’m asking is with HPD how can a man show you that all they want is to save you. All they want to do is make you happy and all he is asking for in return is that you be his and only his. Maybe it’s too much to ask for, maybe I’m too naïve. If anyone could try help me understand how your mind works when you have HPD I would really appreciate it. Thank you very much, I think your all amazing people and I can’t imagine what a struggle this is for you.

Hey Massacer1,

This is a very old thread, so the original poster and others in this thread are likely no longer reading. That written, I linked this thread to our Significant Others, Family & Friends forum. You may get some more responses this way.

I'll start...

I understand the belief that she needs someone to 'save' her run deep. So deep the belief is likely to go unquestioned, but my gut feeling is that is exactly what would help you far more than focusing on her.

So the key question is, 'save' her from what? Also while pondering that question, how sure are you that she is really suffering more than you, others, anyone else? How sure are you that she isn't overall content with her life as-is, and that's why she chooses as she chooses, and resists changing?

Also worth keeping in mind that a person's outward expressions are not necessarily an indicator of how much pain they are in. Many people handle their pain in silence, stoically, but it doesn't mean they hurt any less (or more generally feel any less) than someone who is dramatic.

knots11 wrote:I am HPD, and let me tell you it is not easy. You think its hard being tossed around by someone you love with HPD, how do you think it is for us?
Many HPD's are not completely heartless, just completely self-centered.

But let me tell you, reading some of the things people have to say in this forum has scared me. I may be promiscuious, but i am in the prime of my life. And when i read what everyone says, i feel as if i will never find love. That having this disorder has set me up for a lifetime of love failure!
Currently i am trying to make changes. I have stopped "hooking up" randomly, and am working on building relationships. But is has not been easy, and when i hear stories about other HPD girls ruining relationships it makes me feel like $#%^. This may be something every HPD girl may say, but i am waiting to be saved. I truely believe it.

Now i should also mention that i only fit 5 out the 8 major points in HPD. I had depression, and have a somewhat severe anxiety.

Thanks for reading.
I just needed to get that out there.

Hehehe.... a pwHPD reading this board and being surprised and blaming others that they are triggered. It's like jabbing oneself in the gut with a fork and blaming others for using utensils. For pwPD's: STAY AWAY FROM THIS BOARD. It's whole purpose is to permit ex partners to heal from the contagious effects of being in a r/s with a pwPD, while not being a trigger to those wPDs. Do not come here. You will be triggered.

Similarly, for ex partners trying to heal. Be very care of the boards for pwPDs. You will find your own triggers there. Compassion, healing and growth occur through understanding our ex's PD, depersonalizing the actions, reflecting on why we were vulnerable to being in the r/s, and digging into our FOO issues so that we can heal our inner child. We have a core adult that can nurture the inner child. Most of our ex partners don't. They don't heal. they don't grow. they don't change. All they can hope to achieve is coping skills.

And until one has healed enough, the other boards, no matter how tempting is not the place to go to develop the tools to look inward to heal, grow, forgive (ourselves), and be happy and free from suffering. Stay on this Board for ex partners. Stay away for pwPD's