NPD step-son ruining relationship.

I am new to this forum, and hope that someone out there can help, or even just relate to what Im going through as I feel like Im starting to go crazy....

My partners son is 23 years old and lives with us, but he is making life impossible for me and he is constantly trying to cause problems all the time.
He has not been diagnosed with NPD by a doctor, but everyone has always felt that he has suffered from some kind of phycological problem since he was about 17, and I have read up on this subject in great detail and the symptoms are all exactly as described. His childhood was quite emotionally traumatic, caused by his parents messy divorce and custody battle, as well as interference from some other family members on his mother's side of the family.
I know that people seem to assume that NPD runs in families, and in particular in men but I must point out that my partner is NOT an N.... he is a very successful business man with his own business, and he has got very high confidence and self esteem, but he is a normal sensitive person without any of the symptoms of this disorder at all.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I believe that my step-son is an N, and he is constantly trying to get his narcissistic supply from his father, - (my partner) and unfortunately I happen to be in the way.... I believe that he sees me as a huge threat because I am someone special in his father's life, and he feels that I am "stealing" attention and affection from his father which should rightfully be reserved only for him..... He has tried all ways to create a wedge between us, and tried to belittle me, humiliate me, and generally put me down in order to ruin my partners trust in me..... He constantly eavesdrops on our conversations so that we cant even talk to each other in private without him listening, he pokes through personal possessions to make sure that we arent "keeping secrets" from him. His lies and silly pranks are so childish that its unbelievable. He will create or manipulate things to try and make me look bad in the hope that it will create an argument between me and my partner, and he throws temper tantrums if he feels "left out" of anything - like for example if we go out for a meal together he feels entitled to be included as well. He has a habit of creating some kind of crisis and then needing to "talk to his father about some important issue" at times of the night when we are getting ready to go to bed - like at 11pm, and then makes sure that the conversation drags on for as long as possible - in my opinion he is doing this to ensure that we dont have any personal time together and make sure that we arent allowed an early night together, so that any chance of intimate time together is diminished or ruined.
All in all I am starting to feel like its impossible to carry out any kind of normal everyday things with my partner without sufferring some kind of repurcussions. I dont know how to cope with it anymore, and have tried a range of different tactics to handle him, none to any successful avail.
I have seriously considered moving out and ending the relationship with my partner because I cant cope with living like this anymore, but I know that if I do that he will have won because thats what he is setting out to try and achieve. My partner doesnt want to throw him out of the house because he keeps living in hope that his only son will one day grow up, and perhaps be mature enough to start helping out with the family business.
If there is anyone out there who can give me any advice or even just relate to me and talk then Id be very grateful for any help......

Thanks for taking the time to read,

AMP. x

Hi AMP
Sounds like a dilemma!
The first rather obvious question is, How does your partner react when you present him with YOUR needs in the relationship?
It seems that he's the key, here. Not that he should necessarily be forced to choose between the two of you, but that he should realize how he's being manipulated and is feeding his son's N by failing to draw clear healthy boundaries for himself, and his relationship with you. He should realize that this is a fundamental step in helping his son 'mature' and in nourishing his important relationship with you!

On a side note, if you should feel like you can't tolerate the living situation any longer, remember that there really aren't winners or losers. Avoid the strong temptation to make this a battle between you and the narc. He'll probably win. You must see it as what works or doesn't work for you, what's healthy or not healthy for you.
At least you do have that choice. The N doesn't!

Hi there.
Thanks for your response.

Firstly yes, I agree that my partner is the key to this, and that its ultimately in his hands. He does realise my feelings about the living situation, and he does acknowledge that there is something of a personality clash between myself and his son. The main clash is created because I am totally honest and genuine, whereas his son is devious and tells lies....!! My partner has told me on several occasions that if a situation arose where he needed to question who he trusted the most then it would be me - and he does realise his son's downfalls and childish behaviour are caused by some form of behavioural problem - although he isnt the type of person who would go away and research or find out the actual name for this condition. He just keeps hoping that one day he will grow out of whatever it is....

Unfortunately my partner is not very good at thinking of his OWN needs and feelings, and I honestly dont think that he realises he is being manipulated by his son. He genuinely doesnt want to see the bad side of his son, probably because its such a huge disappointment to him - and so he tends to give him too much of the benefit of the doubt - foolishly believing his lies and not really seeing his childish pranks as being manipulative or devious - until its too late that is.

I feel that I am in the wrong to constantly point out to my partner about the error of his son's ways, and I dont want to put him in a position where he has to choose between his loyalty towards me or towards his son. So I try hard to accept the situation as it is and not make a fuss about things and just handle it in my own way, however it is starting to get to the point where I feel like I am the one who isnt getting a fair deal in the relationship because my true emotional needs are being overlooked or sidestepped in order to maintain the peace.
All in all I love my partner and dont want to leave him, and especially not because of the interference of a 3rd party. He has told his son time and time again that he is entitled to a life as well and that he should be happy that his father has met someone who he is happy to spend his life with, - but unfortunately that doesnt seem to sink in.

I also just keep hoping that one day he will grow up and go out and find a life for himself, instead of living on his father's apron strings - but sadly he seems to have the mental age of a 10 year old and perhaps he never will grow up, I also wonder how many other people's lives he will try to ruin in the meantime (work colleagues, friends, other family members all seem to suffer some kind of ill favour whenever he is around them).

As you say - a big dillemma........!!

Thanks again for listening.

I suppose, from what you say, it's hard to know whether he's a real narcissist or simply just shows hatred for you. Either way, it's pretty unpleasant. I suspect, however, you are not the real target in all of this (although you might as well be for all practical purposes).

Of course, he wants to make it a battle to force his father to choose. Given the extensive emotional baggage he can lord over his father, he would expect to be the winner as his father is no doubt guilt-ridden. Ultimately, then, this is a battle between the son and his father. You just happen to be one of the main weapons. He could well despise his father. His only way back at him for the perceived hurt in the past is emotional.

Sorry none of this really helps. I'm not sure there is any sound advice. You cannot make the step-son like you. Actually, strip everything away and he may not actually hate you as a person. As I say, you happen to be a convenient tool with which to wage his war against his father. Psychological battles are always the most twisted, perhaps none more so that when there is a natural relationship that is supposed to be based on love (in this case between father and son) but which, for whatever reason, is actually based upon hatred, on one side at least.

Thanks for your post - it was helpful as Ive never really thought of it in that way before......

Its difficult to say whether or not he hates his father - most of the time he tries to "ape" him, and copies his mannerisms, his sayings, words and even his laugh. I sometimes think that he would like to actually try and BE his father, but at the same time he shows him absolutely no respect or consideration. Perhaps there is some level of hatred inside him, because my partner is a popular and very well liked successful man, and deep down I think that perhaps he is envious of that because he feels inadequate in comparison.

I do still believe that he definitely has a phycological problem of some description, and NPD seems to fit the closest. The main symptoms that he possesses are:-

1) Grandiose attitude and behaviour
2) Total lack of empathy, he even lacks any true facial expressions to convey any feelings towards other people.
3) He tells lies all of the time, and exagerrates things wildly - especially things that revolve around his achievements or skills.
4) He lives in fantasy land a lot of the time, even to the point of losing himself in childrens movies and cartoons.
5) He suffers from eating disorders, bingeing on junk food or starving himself for days on end (for attention).
6) He has a total lack of personal hygiene and does not look after his body.
7) Everywhere he goes he "falls out" with people - and its always "their fault"....
He has no real friends his own age, and finds personal relationships of any description difficult - the few people who he does call friends are older "matronly type women" who have been "mother figures" to him.
9) Paranoia - he is obsessed that people are plotting against him, or talking about him behind his back - hence the very bad habit of eavesdropping all the time.....

I could go on for longer with this list, but Im sure that you are getting a picture.

All in all there is a lot of complicated phycology going on in the house, and I seem to be the innocent party who is being stuck in the middle and used as a tool of revenge.
I agree that my partner is guilt-ridden about his son's past, and he feels that he has failed him as a father, and yes his son definitely DOES feed on that guilt....

Its very difficult not to take things personally, and some days I dread coming home from work, especially if my partner is out.... all in all a very unpleasant time which Im not sure how to handle for the best, other than I know that Ive got to be true to myself and be strong, - thanks again for taking the time to read and post...

AMP.123 wrote:My partners son is 23 years old and lives with us, but he is making life impossible for me and he is constantly trying to cause problems all the time.

If I were you, I'd try to get my partner away (perhaps a weekend or short holiday?) just the two of you, and when he is relaxed and away from the son, have a loving but heartfelt talk about how you really feel about the situation, pointing out that he is the only one who can guide his son and change things, and that in your opinion some tough-love might be the only way.

If you communicate how unhappy you are, he might get the idea that he could possbily lose you over this situation.

A lot of children these days seem to be in a form of suspended adolescence. I can speak from experience, as I am a divorced mother with two adult sons still living at home. (Ages 18 and 24). One is part-time at university (the older one). The younger is not at school. They both finally got part-time jobs this year after much pressuring on my part, and even threatening that they were out the door otherwise. I completely shut the tap on all finances and wouldn't give them any money whatsoever, so they had no option.

They still refuse to contribute to their food and lodging and it is an ongoing battle with them. They do no housework, leave dirty dishes around for me to pick up, dirty clothes, etc. When I try to have conversations with them they laugh and talk over me. They will sit and play video games and computer games for hours.

My point is that they have it way too easy and I know this, and I'm strugglng to launch them into the world the best I can, since their father has shot through.

The strongest influence in a family is the same sex parent - my boys act towards me the way their father did, like an inferior person who should serve them. I suspect your partner's passivity is enabling the son to walk all over him, and you are just collateral damage. How does the son act towards his biological mother?

I know it sounds harsh, but your partner needs to grow a backbone. If telling him your true feelings doesn't convey to him your unhappiness and make him change his way of handling his son, then the message you get might be one you don't want to hear - that he will choose his son over you and continue to pander to him for the rest of his life. The long term prognosis for this is not good, as even if the son does get out and get a life, he will probably "use" his father in one way or another all his life.

It's a tough situation for you, and you have my sympathy.

I have talked to my partner in great depth about my feelings already, and thankfully he does see my point of view and in fact I think that its finally beginning to sink into him that his efforts with his son are all in vain, and that the only way for him to try and learn about life is as you say - by being tough and forcing him to stand on his own two feet.... however I dont know how long or what its going to take to finally tip the scales and force my partner into finally doing something about it....

You asked the question about how does the son act towards his biological mother...... well he never really talks about his mother a lot, but I know that he often "buys" her affections with gifts etc. Its a difficult one - when he was a child his mother never really wanted him - she passed him off onto this relative or that one, and hardly ever spent any time with him. Then she got involved with a violent man, who I believe bullied and abused the son while his mother stood and allowed it to happen......all in all his childhood was rather a traumatic experience, and it was his father who came to the rescue and after an extensive custody battle which lasted for several years he finally got permission for him to live with him from 16 years of age. Unfortunately by then the damage was already done, and by the age of 17 the symptoms of NPD had started to surface. His father persuaded him to leave home and go away to university when he was 19, and its only in the last 18 months that he has returned back home after passing his degree. I hadnt long moved in with his father at the point when he returned home, and of course that is when the bigger problems started...

I completely agree with your comment that the long term prognosis is not good..... I personally believe that if he hasnt grown up now then he never will, and yes he will continue to try and manipulate his father from a distance for the rest of his life - after all he will no doubt be expecting a huge windfall from his father's business one day, and if not then he needs to ensure that he maintains a stake in his inheritance....!!!

Unfortunately a lot of this seems to be the trait of today's younger generation, however I would still like to hear from anyone as to whether or not they agree that he suffers from NPD, or another disorder?? Somehow it seems to make it easier to deal with if you can give his condition a name and know that its a recognised disorder, and not just a game of hatred to try and eliminate me from his father's life.

Hi

we are going through the same thing

i am newly married for 3 years

of that time my husbands son has lived with us about one and a half years

At first he befriended me to sus me out

then he said he doesnt like me because im square

so he just completely ignored me

we were like starangers in the night under the same roof

he then admitted that if he doesnt like someone he has no problem cutting a person out of his life

then came the manipulation of his father

he told stories about me to his father, tattle tales just to cause disention

he would complain about my food saying to his father that it is terrible

and then my husband would tell me my food is for the dogs

basically my husband became the voice of his NPD son

my husband is good man, kind giving, generous, hardworking, religious,

then we moved

his son tried to beg him not to go

and my husband said he is more than welcome to come with us

he tried blackmail emotional but we moved

his son went to live with his NPD mother for 6 months

when he came back to us one year later he said his mother is abusive, controlling and manipulating and he was deppressed the whole time he was there

so now he is back with us

now came name calling, to me, derogatory statements, put down, destroying my possessions, ignoring, rude, disrespecful behavior, cursing me,

he is intelligent and creative and witty

but he has such a high opinion of himself , grandiose ideas, tells everyone his IQ is 160

braggs about his abilites and accomplishments even though they are few

he just has high school and some college credits

he took a photography course that any one with money can take

and now he is a proffessional photographer!

he objectifies woman

uses people for money and what he can get from them

mainly living off his fathers income and gererosity

he is like a emotional vampire feeding of people weaknesses and gossips about people

he has a bad word to say about almost everyone

he is the best actor in the world. dramatic in his actions and extreme in his pretending

he lies, gambles but pretends to be religious because he fears the rejection of his father

he doesnt have diagnosis of NPD but he has it alright

as a wise person once said

how many N,s go knocking on a psychiatrist door begging for help and admitting that they have a problem?

to a nark they are perfect and can do no wrong

everyone else has the problem and is to blame

anyway he refuses to go to a doctor and insists im the one with mental health problems

sound familiar????

This sounds exactly like what my mom may say about me pretty soon. This entire thread.

My father is NPD, and my mother is the type that loves N's more than herself. i am NOT saying thats what's going on here, but in my case it absolutely would be.

I've recently started telling my mom all about NPD, and ASPD in regards to my diagnosed, and very mentally abusive father. However, she's done pretty much nothing, but ignore the conversation. Which is the same thing she's done for the past 25 years.

i hadn't thought that my mother would attempt to push me away, because i'm disrupting her "N LOVE", but heck, she's done it before. I find this thread very interesting none the less. It's like a flip of my situation. He's got his degree, i say put him out, and buy a shotgun. I'm getting ready to put myself out on the streets just to get away from my sick parents.

AMP.123 wrote::cry:



I am new to this forum, and hope that someone out there can help, or even just relate to what Im going through as I feel like Im starting to go crazy....



My partners son is 23 years old and lives with us, but he is making life impossible for me and he is constantly trying to cause problems all the time.

He has not been diagnosed with NPD by a doctor, but everyone has always felt that he has suffered from some kind of phycological problem since he was about 17, and I have read up on this subject in great detail and the symptoms are all exactly as described. His childhood was quite emotionally traumatic, caused by his parents messy divorce and custody battle, as well as interference from some other family members on his mother's side of the family.

I know that people seem to assume that NPD runs in families, and in particular in men but I must point out that my partner is NOT an N.... he is a very successful business man with his own business, and he has got very high confidence and self esteem, but he is a normal sensitive person without any of the symptoms of this disorder at all.



Anyway, to cut a long story short, I believe that my step-son is an N, and he is constantly trying to get his narcissistic supply from his father, - (my partner) and unfortunately I happen to be in the way.... I believe that he sees me as a huge threat because I am someone special in his father's life, and he feels that I am "stealing" attention and affection from his father which should rightfully be reserved only for him..... He has tried all ways to create a wedge between us, and tried to belittle me, humiliate me, and generally put me down in order to ruin my partners trust in me..... He constantly eavesdrops on our conversations so that we cant even talk to each other in private without him listening, he pokes through personal possessions to make sure that we arent "keeping secrets" from him. His lies and silly pranks are so childish that its unbelievable. He will create or manipulate things to try and make me look bad in the hope that it will create an argument between me and my partner, and he throws temper tantrums if he feels "left out" of anything - like for example if we go out for a meal together he feels entitled to be included as well. He has a habit of creating some kind of crisis and then needing to "talk to his father about some important issue" at times of the night when we are getting ready to go to bed - like at 11pm, and then makes sure that the conversation drags on for as long as possible - in my opinion he is doing this to ensure that we dont have any personal time together and make sure that we arent allowed an early night together, so that any chance of intimate time together is diminished or ruined.

All in all I am starting to feel like its impossible to carry out any kind of normal everyday things with my partner without sufferring some kind of repurcussions. I dont know how to cope with it anymore, and have tried a range of different tactics to handle him, none to any successful avail.

I have seriously considered moving out and ending the relationship with my partner because I cant cope with living like this anymore, but I know that if I do that he will have won because thats what he is setting out to try and achieve. My partner doesnt want to throw him out of the house because he keeps living in hope that his only son will one day grow up, and perhaps be mature enough to start helping out with the family business.

If there is anyone out there who can give me any advice or even just relate to me and talk then Id be very grateful for any help......



Thanks for taking the time to read,



AMP. x

Hi Everyone, I am new to this forum and stumbled upon this post although I realise this is an old post, but was astonished how much similarity my current situation is at the moment. The only difference is that I took the decision to move out of the family home with my 19yr old Step-Daughter to get away from the chaos caused by the then 15yr old stepson. (he's now 17), and we now live across the road. Thing is the stepson is so determined to get rid of me to such an extent that 6mths ago whilst I was at my husbands home and my husband got called out to an emergency(his job) his son sexually assaulted me, obviously I fled back to my home and locked my doors etc. By the time my husband came home the stepson was threatening to kill himself and thus he then became the victim as my husband was telling he was sick, he didn't know what he was doing blah, blah, blah. I have had counselling and been put on medication since then. This week I thought we had made real progress as my husband for the past 2 weeks had repeatedly stated he has had enough and wants his son out, he has refused to cook, clean provide him with money etc. He made contact with the mother (she in my opinion has NPD)who lives 200 miles away and has told her she will have to have her son, but she has refused but my husband was adamant that he would be driving there without telling her and just drop him off. Today I get the feeling that this isn't going to happen.. I'm now yet again at loss...