NPD step-son ruining relationship.

Janet1961;

I feel for you but i'm having to side with the child in this scenario.

Why is this 17 year old not in therapy..?

Why was he not in therapy when he was 15 and had more chance..?


He is indeed ill.. no-one assaults their step-mother at 17 unless they are in serious need of help.


I think that the only way of resolving the situation to some degree for you is for you to back off.

Keep living in separate households.. get the 17 year old into serious therapy/a mental health unit and work out what you want to do with your partner..

if he walks away from his child then he's probably at least part of the cause of his sons behaviour and current mental health state.

I wonder what it must feel like to have a mother who doesn't want you.. a step-mother who you hate because she seems to be replacing your real mother and a father who gave up on you years ago.

I think that his world must be a very lonely and scary place right now.

I respect your reply, firstly in answer to some of your questions,
Whilst in our care he was assessed by the mental health team when he was 12 & 14 and the therapists on both occasions said he's slightly depressed! He's also been referred to counselling by school but he refused to go.
As for trying to replace his mother that has never been my intention I have always been there for his children as guidance, his sister is now in university and his other son is now in the army. Since moving out of the home I don't have any contact with him, which I hope you can understand from my situaton.
The parents separated when the son was 4 years old & I have been in a relationship with my husband since he was 5yrs old. Prior to the mother moving 200 miles away we lived within 500mtrs of the mothers home, he came to live with us at 6 with his brother 8 and his sister 11, as the mother stated she wanted to spend time with her new boyfriend! It took my husband and I months with the help of social services to force the mother to have contact with her children on a Saturday/Sunday (we both work full-time). At aged 8 he decided he wanted to live with the mother, which was fine by my husband due to her house being close by or so he thought. As soon as he went to live with the mother, she stopped all contact we spent the next 2/3 years in and out of courts to no avail So the 1st time my husband saw his son again was when we were woken up at 2am by the police on a week-day with his son. They told us they had been called by the mother to remove him from her house that she couldn't handle him, and that he had threatened her with a knife, at the time his son disputed this. The following week his mother had sold her home and moved 200 miles away with no forwarding address. It became apparent within a week that while he had been residing with his mother for nearly 4 yrs he had been allowed to decide when he went to school his attendance was 60%! Within 3 months of living with us he had been expelled for abusive & threatening behaviour towards teachers and moved to a school with bars and locks, he spent 2yrs here then moved again to another school due to vandalism, violent & threatening behaviour mostly towards females. The last year he only had to attend school 2 hrs a day 4 days a week, all the schools have bent over backwards to accommodate his needs, my husband has spent many, many hours talking to his son and to be honest I believe too soft... He seems to be wanting to be in control of everything, and if things don't go his way he rages, I feel that each day he pushes the bounderies, he's stolen money, he's stolen our possessions. Whenever he is called on his behaviour he either lies, storms out or blames it on everybody else, nothing is ever his fault, eg. last week my husband got him out of bed at 9.30am to go to school to collect his work for the day, he arrived at the school and smashed the classroom up and was arrested, he told the police it was his dads fault because for putting him in a bad mood because he didn't want to go to school!
Now there comes a time when he himself has to take responsibilty for his own actions and not blame others!

I hear you and really do sympathise.

But still this person is only 17 and has had a really rough life by anyones opinion.





See, when you fall you have people to catch you.. who does your step-son have..?




Okay; the controlling behaviour.. lets forget your step-sons actual age and focus on his mental age here.

your step-son seems stuck in young teen behaviour and defense mechanisms..

all children need boundaries.. of course he'll see you as trying to replace his mother - that's how these things work. Sometimes the child is happy about this and sometimes they're resentful..
rarely (and i think this is what you're facing).. the child sees you as just another mother figure and reacts against you to try and get rid of you before you hurt him as well.

You also need to consider the things that his mother likely told him when he lived with her for those years.
He left you a fairly calm child and came back as a really hurting and angry one.. i wonder what could have happened to him to cause that to happen..?

Do you know what happens within the brain when love and discard manage to be linked together in the circuits..?
everytime someone tries to get close to you - it sets off a chain reaction which floods the persons brain with uncomfortable feelings and bad memories.. in order to not deal with these everytime - the person shoves people away from them in any way that they can.



Controlling behaviour always comes from children who desperately need firm and consistent boundaries.. without these, the world is confusing and scary..


reading through your story though - one thing strikes me as really concerning.. his behaviour is mostly towards females and it's of a sexual nature - do you think that something may have happened to him in those years away..?

[quote]Now there comes a time when he himself has to take responsibilty for his own actions and not blame others![/quuote]

^ ^ of course but he's only 17 and actually he is right.. the blame should be shared by others - all he's been doing is pushing at his boundaries.. finding that they collapse when he does push - finding that when he pushes people away they walk away.

Why should he let down his defense mechanisms - if he does that he'll fall apart.. he has nothing and no-one to land on.


Ps.. he went to school and although his behaviour was not in any way acceptable when he go there.. did anyone say ''well done for going even though you didn't want to''



(please consider my words here.. step back from your emotions to read).

Thanks for your reply, I am trying to understand without prejudice, but it's pretty dam hard.. I have had many discussions with my 21yr old step-daughter about his behaviour and the relationship/role his mother played in those absent years, and this is what she tells me from her own personal view:
1. My mother only cares about herself, she has no empathy towards her children's needs.
2. We were allowed to watch inappropriate films/games that were clearly for over 18's of a sexual or violent nature.
3. My mother was either, asleep, drunk or on drugs and if officials were making a visit & she was drunk she would ask me to tell them that she's ill and I would assume the role of spokes-person/mum on her behalf.
4. Any language was acceptable, there were no rules or boundaries. It was a teenagers dream, but looking back I grew up way before my peers.
5. I was accused of being a bully by my mother if I chastised any of my siblings for behaviour issues.
6. My brother went into rages many times, my mother dealt with this by giving him money to go to the local shop and buy a toy car.
7. She didn't encourage him to go to school, he was allowed to play on his xbox till 4/5am.
8. She used emotional blackmail on me all the time and has attachment issues.
9. My brother hadn't had a bath for nearly 2 years, my mother just brushed this off!
10.Birthdays were a nightmare as we were all wanting the attention so would all disrupt the other persons day.

The school have always been supportive and would generally telephone my husband about his progress whether good or bad, my husband has tried to encourage his son even when his behaviour has been pushed to the limits.. this concerns me because he has never been accountable for any of his actions, and this it seems is the problem.. his son states all the time " I can do what the f*** I want" He stole the rent money in December but receives Christmas present from his dad..oh yes cos he can do what he wants.. how is that dealing with the issue, this to me seems to re-inforcing his sons ideals of he can do what he wants and there will be no consequencies!

AMP.123 wrote:I also just keep hoping that one day he will grow up and go out and find a life for himself, instead of living on his father's apron strings - but sadly he seems to have the mental age of a 10 year old and perhaps he never will grow up

So the son is 23 and acts like a 10 year old---

No, he won't "grow up" because obviously he's failed to do so at this point. He obviously lacks the coping skills to live independently, and won't be able to develop them if he is perpetually enabled.

IMO, he needs professional help. Stealing, causing drama and seems paranoid---something is seriously wrong here and it could be a number of possibilities. Waiting until his issues resolve themselves is only burying your head in the sand...too bad your partner doesn't recognize it.

I hope you will check into counseling. An adult who tantrums like this surely can't be happy with themselves.

Blueflower; the son is 17 - aside from that = agree with your assessment.



Janet1961;

the son should of course have received Christmas presents.. to leave him out on Christmas day would have been unthinkable..

do you have children yourself..? (i assume not).


Only the most uncaring of person would leave a child out on Christmas..I'm going to assume/hope though that you're just venting and are in reality kinder to your step-son than your posts would suggest.


I was myself left out on Christmas one year because i had stolen something - the reason i stole something in the first place was because i was desperately hungry and my parents didn't feed me properly.. i was literally like a walking skeleton.
It wasn't for lack of food or money.. it was because they didn't care.. they had enough (more than enough.. they were both fat and ate like royalty).



On that Christmas morning that i woke up and saw my siblings opening their presents and i didn't have any - something died inside me and i realised that my parents really didn't care.
There and then nothing mattered anymore.. i didn't care about washing myself.. i didn't care about tidying my room.. i didn't even care about the cokroaches (deliberately mispelled due to filters) crawling around the house anymore.


Your step-son reminds me quite a lot of me so i'm finding it difficult to answer your posts unemotionally - i really feel that your step-son needs a damn big hand right now.

The woman that was meant to love and take care of him threw him out like a piece of garbage.. now tell me why he is fighting the world..



The only thing that will get through to your step-son is love and therapy.. you throw him out and all those nasty little scripts engrained in his mind will be proven right.


I think that your partner needs to parent-up and drag your step-son kicking and screaming to therapy.

do not give up on him.. he'll come around one day if you just stick by him.



The first thing to do here is write him a note explaining that you love him and because you love him you want him to be happy.. you really want to build a relationship with him and will go to therapy with him.

Up to you now..

The OP's step son is 23...

I think there are two separate stories going here...

One with AMP and one with Janet.

Same issues though.

The OP's step son is 23...

I think there are two separate stories going here...

One with AMP and one with Janet.

Same issues though.

sorry BlueFlower.. I clearly had a thick moment there..

Hopefully Op and co are okay now though - original post is a huge 6 years old.

scepticalblahblah wrote:Hopefully Op and co are okay now though - original post is a huge 6 years old.

OMG!!! Six years???

Yeah...I wonder where they are now....

the son should of course have received Christmas presents.. to leave him out on Christmas day would have been unthinkable..

do you have children yourself..? (i assume not).


Only the most uncaring of person would leave a child out on Christmas..I'm going to assume/hope though that you're just venting and are in reality kinder to your step-son than your posts would suggest.
.. Yes you are probably correct I am venting maybe when you have someone steal your rent money and find yourself nearly on the streets if it wasn't for my family helping out again. Also when I receive a phone call from his son saying "dad collapsed clutching his chest and now he's at the bottom of the stairs on the floor so you had better come round here because I'm going out" or maybe I was angry because the TV I bought him for his birthday 3 months prior to Christmas got vandalised when he got angry playing on his Xbox then proceeded to get a screwdriver and stab the screen over 30 times yelling my name?? I have 2 grown up children and 4 grandchildren, and right or wrong I keep my grandchildren well away from his son now as he told my 9yr old grandson to get some money from my purse and if he didn't do it he would get a rope and dangle him from the balcony I have a duty to make sure my grandson is not in danger when in my care. At over 6ft tall and well fed maybe I don't see him as a "child" maybe that's an issue with myself. I'm also inclined to think he is a drug user without evidence, although he disputes this, but refuses to say what he has spent the stolen money on and there's no evidence of expensive clothes/gadgets etc.. nothing!
Sorry to hear of your childhood and I do understand and I really hope this hasn't bought up painful memories for you, like yourself I myself was neglected an extremely underfeed and was taken into care at 14, obviously we all deal with trauma in our lives in different ways, in my case I was introverted, my own mother vanished when I was 3..
We have repeatedly and the school tried to engage him in counselling to no avail, he says he is not seeing anyone as there's nothing wrong with him and he's not prepared to sit in a room listening to someone patronise him, although we have told him this isn't going to happen.