Avoiding the "forbidden" confrontation

Hi Sisterfriend,

Breaking the co=dependence means disengaging sometimes, and yes even being a hard-ass! I have more trouble with the latter.

Calling his doctor, I think is different. You are concerned for his well-being by doing so, but you're not adding to codependence.

Just think, summer vacation is really right around the corner... a couple of weeks away, really.


And I love Hakuna Matata, though I'm not crazy about eating bugs (even if they are cicadas in cream sauce) like Timon and Pumba!

Hang in there!

Alex

What language are you guys speaking? Haven't seen any cicadas yet. I must be hanging around too far north.

Very funny comments regarding the emoticon faces, sisterfriend. I chuckled before I was supposed to. A DD might take it as an insult.

This thread has really got me thinking. This co-dependancy is really a hard "habit" to break. Our character and personality are wrapped up in it. It is who we are, and how we interact with most people, not just our spouses. It may also be an inherited trait. I think my father was a lot like I turned out. My mother pushed him aroundand was often terrible to him. Even after she had a stroke he took care of her personally on a daily basis. He had the money to hire help but insisted he had to do it himself. He had a heart condition but but still fulfilled his "obligations". He died 2 months after she. I felt bad for him never getting free long enough to enjoy his own life. I hope I don't follow in his footsteps.

Sisterfriend - being torn on whether or not to call - communicating and being concerned is also a habit impossible to break. Of course, it is also a part of love. I don't think any of us have stopped loving our spouses. I wish there was a switch...

This 2 day weekend home with her should prove interesting. I will see if she is really going to put her foot down about "her" car, and about coming back to Chicago with me to look for an apartment.

I have to laugh, bsc... you can tell you don't have little kids around anymore-- all that mumbo-jumbo was from "The Lion King", the Disney movie. Hakuna Matata is a "worry free" way of life. Something I am sure none of us will ever have!!
And co-dependancy is a learned behavior-- my mom did it, too. I am just trying to repair as much damage as I can before my kids are grown and in relationships. Hopefully I'll be a quick learner and break the cycle!

Well I am back at work after a 2 day weekend home with my wife. Surprise - It was one of the most normal few days I 've spent with her in a long time.

I of course am always expecting the worst. She even commented this morning on my way out the door that it was good, we had some fun, got some work done together, and little to no fighting.

I don't know if she was trying super hard or what. There were a few minor references to DD things such as, we've done this before, did we do this last year at this time. She was whispering under breath about how is she ever going to get back to herself if I don't tell her the truth, etc. But she didn't make a big deal about it and no screaming.

So she is not cured, but I could take this different wife easily. But I know it is only temporary. I'll see how tonights phone call goes.

She did say that next week, after the cats are better (they were both neutered), she is going to come with me to search for an apartment.

It would be difficult to convince myself to split if she remained this "good". Must be a trick - now I'm getting paranoid. We'll see....

bsc,

Actually, your comment about your getting paranoid was very interesting to me. I have been noticing similar paranoia in my husband. For example, I was talking to him on the phone about the mechanic's view of a used car we were intending to buy for our daughter. He was talking to his father in the background. Things got quiet on the phone and I asked him "Are you talking with your dad?" He then said to his father, "She doesn't believe me, she wants to talk to you." After I talked to his father, my husband got back on the line. I said, "All I said was "Are you talking with your dad? I didn't ask to talk to him." He said that is not what it sounded like to him. I said "Yes, I know." This type of thing seems to be happening fairly regularly.

Does anyone else notice they get paranoid around the delusional spouse?

Mic

mic - glad you dropped in. To answer your question, yes. The paranoid term was not to be taken too seriously, but, I do not trust my wife. I am always on guard.

As she watches me very closely (it seems) to wait for me to slip up in the use of a word or a facial expression. I watch her very closely to see how she is reacting to me. She parses my words to try and catch me in a "lie". She attributes ridiculous interpretations and meanings to words and phrases, always to twist the truth.

In describing this past weekend as being good, I am wary that no good deed goes unpunished. Remember, she is not on meds as you have been, and I cannot talk freely with her about her DD.

As to your experience with your husband, I think he is also wary and expecting the worst. It may take a while for him to break that habit in his thinking about you.

I know I would finally get comfortable with my wife if I knew she was on meds.

Mic,
Sorry, but that's exactly what happens. It's not paranoia, but it's a reaction to what has happened so many times in the past/present that you automatically provide logic to solve the question your spouse's brain is mulling over, even if some of the time they are not actually questioning anything... purely habit on our part, and mostly accompanied by frustration and anger. I am so glad you brought this up, because this is the #1 reason I went into counselling-- I was on auto-pilot with the explainations and proof all the time. And believe me, you get to the point that it's like brushing your teeth-- your DD says "this", and you are ready with the truth like "that". You asked a question, and your husband passed the phone. You asked, maybe not that, but your husband answered. He thought you were wondering who he was talking to/what their response was. The easiest way to prove the truth is to pass the phone. I wish it weren't that way, but that's auto-pilot. I am working on it every day. It is not easy. I hope I've helped you a little?!

Sisterfriend and bsc,

Thanks for your responses. I think I understand a little more now. I wonder how long this will go on?


Mic

I'm sure one behavior feeds another. That is the main reason I am just being so incredibly honest that there can be no confusion on his part as to what my feelings are. So far, so good. Of course he feels terrible, but maybe he can really grasp that he is ill and does need treatment long-term.

Sisterfriend,

I wouldn't ever count on him grasping anything about the nature of his illness let alone getting consistent help with it. Count on the opposite and be pleasantly surprised if he does. You'll be living with a lot less false hope. I honestly feel their delusions lead us into our own delusions of being able to change them with one tactic or another. I for one have given up on that notion and am learning to live side by side with his reality in the most peaceful way I can.

Hab