Avoiding the "forbidden" confrontation

"The peace of coming home to myself, though, is such a blessing!" - Amen to that. I recall vividly my first weeks in my own apartment, coming home from work was such a joy, I actually danced. For the prior two years at least, coming home from work was the worst, because I never knew what I would be coming home to. Yelling, accusations, name calling, or would it be the quiet innocent smile that didn't make it to his eyes, the "I know the truth and you can't fool me" smile? Eight years later, and I have not had a moment of lonely.

Not sure if anyone from this thread is still around, but after reading the last few posts on this one, I feel a bit guilty for feeling the same way about the thought of coming home to a house without my DD wife and how much that would be a "blessing" for simple relief and peace of mind.........I am at that place right now where I can't wait to leave early in the morning to get out of the house and I don't want to leave the office in the evening because I don't know what I am going to walk into.....the only problem for me right now is we have a 4 yr old son that is clueless right now about this and a 11 yr old daughter who gets it and wants to spend all the time with me when possible but has to deal with Mom because of getting her to and from school and her activities.......

faithful....your description below is exactly what I'm dealing with....yelling, accusations, name calling, quite innocent 'can't fool me' smile.....any suggestions for me on my situation.....not real sure how to cope except for making it as best I can with our kids.....

uptohere.....how long have you dealt with this before deciding on divorce as it compares to my kids ages? Is there a suggested approach or direction with young kids and a wife of 20 years that is/was my love of my life until this entered our life a little over a year ago......to this extreme anyway....

hvy_hearted_37

hh37 - welcome, unfortunately, to the forum.

Feel free to browse my postings. You will see there is no simple answer. Faithful did the right thing after enough crap from her husband, and ended it. I, on the other hand, had to force my wife into the psych ward 4 times over a 3-4 year period.

I thought the last time stuck. But as I have recently posted, 5 years later we are right back to square one.

See if you can get help from other family members, inlaws, friends, etc. I know the thought of having police officers wrestling your wife to the ground is disgusting, but I had to witness that several times, after getting a court order to have her taken in.

My wife can get very violent and loves to throw and break things. I am again the target of her delusions as the ring leader of the "people" who are torturing her, and causing her all these mishaps.

Remember one thing, you will not be able to reasonably talk her out of what she believes to be the truth. They really believe it,no matter how bazaar. My wife told me the other day that I should go to the psych ward and need to be on meds. She just can't understand my strange behavior and attitude.

Feel free to post here and vent. Someone is usually reading. I do not always have access as my wife looks over my shoulder lately when I am online.

By the way, my wifes diagnoses is bipolar, but I post here since it more closely matches her behavior. She is rarely depressed.

I have just posted an update on the "shall I divorce my wife" string.

Well it has been over a week sitting in my motel room. She continues to call my cell phone, leave messages, and texts. We didn't have this technology when i started this thread. What an improvement in harrassment.

I try not to actually talk to her, so don't answer the phone. But I do text her and send short video messages. Last text was - what are we doing new years eve. A sad song because the answer is - nothing together. I will sit in my room alone watching the ball drop. First time in 34 years - alone. She, probably the same.

I have an appointment tomorrow morn (NY eve) with an atty. I will have to decide to try for a guardianship again like 6-7 years ago, or straight for a divorce, or maybe both.

Some happy new year. I hope all of yours are better.

Sounds like you have finally figured out how to avoid the confrontation. A New Year's toast to you, bsc, one survivor to another.

UPDATE

Sunday night 10:30 she decided she wants to visit the grand children. Daughter opened the door and told her the kids were in bed and to please leave. My wife persisted so son-in-law called the police. Three deputies came out to help my wife leave. They told daughter they had no authority to pick her up for a ride to the hosp with out a court order.

Daughter called me to ask what we were going to do about it. Should we get a restraining order. I told her about my next morn appointment w the atty.

I told the atty that I would put the divorce on hold, lets go for the guardianship, and getting my wife into the hosp psych ward and back on meds. I went to the court house to start the process, getting an affidavit drawn up. Got my daughter on the phone and they took her statement. She wanted to be an active participant this time.

Wed after NY day we both met at the court house to sign the affidavits. By 6:30 the deputies picked up my wife and took her to the hosp. They didn't complete the admission until Thurs morn. Kept her in ER overnight.

Fri morn the Dr called me in for a meeting. This being the 5th time my wife was in the psych ward, this had never happened before, the Dr wanting to talk with me. I hadn't heard of him before. We spent hour and a half going over my wifes background in complete detail, while he typed up the notes into his computer.

He spoke quite plainly about his attitude regarding patient rights. He said he never advocates forcing meds or anything else on a patient. They have a right to refuse treatment. He also said my wife is looking for an atty to help get her out.

He said if she continues to refuse meds, he cannot force it in a private hosp, but he can transfer to a state run hosp where they may have more options. They threaten her with that 5 years ago, then she complied. Not sure what will happen this time.

I did visit her last night. She is getting more and more paranoid. Trusts no one, especially me. She says she doesn't belong there. If I really love her I would take her home, etc.

I will visit her this pm to bring her some things she needs.

Daughter says if they let her out with no meds, she will definitely get a restraining order. I will to along with a divorce.

She has been in the psych ward now for 6 days. She says she will not take any more meds since they turn her into somebody she is not. if people can't accept her the way she is, then too bad. When I explain that she is losing me, her daughters, her grandkids, her parents, she is just shrugs.

When I go to visit her in the hosp, we are fighting about why she is there.

The Dr says he can't force meds on her. I am trying to get the Dr to finish his "expert eval" report so my atty and I can take it to the probate court to start the guardianship process. That is, the atty becomes her guardian and then can take other legal actions, like putting her in a state hosp.

Regardless of what happens, I think I am going to have to leave her. At this point, my "love" has turned to hate. I can't stand being around her. I should know something by the end of the week.

You have done your best. It is time for some peace in your life. I excused a lot of my ex's really bad behavior by thinking he wasn't responsible because of his mental illness, until I finally had the thought that he could be both mentally ill and a real jerk. I divorced the jerk, who happened to have a mental illness.

Went to court this morn to get atty set up as guardian. She was served this afternoon. She is really PO'd. How could I do this to her? She has her rights to be who she wants to be, etc etc.

Apparently the guardian can order her restrained to get the first injection of Invega Sustenna, an antipsychotic. This is similar to the Resperdone Consta she had before. Not sure if they will do that at the hosp she is now in, or transferred to a state hosp. Or maybe she will just give up and let it happen.