Has a friend of mine shut off everyone because of BPD/depres

We met during a challenging phase for him; he recently broke up with his girlfriend and due to his abandonment issues, it hit him hard. But he opened up to me really quickly (which he normally never does) about all the dark phases in his life, and we shared our experiences with mental health struggles (I had OCD and am experienced with depression myself). It turned out, he has always had underlying depression and unresolved abandonment issues. He was the type of person that always relied heavily on company and confirmation from outside.

We texted multiple times a day about random stuff, complex questions about life, depression, and total nonsense. We also phoned and hung out a couple of times. It was very comfortable, and I felt that we could talk about anything. Then he started pushing me away, cancelling hangouts due to “being in his own head”, full of thoughts, or feeling unstable. Once he also hit a wall due to feeling numb and talked to a stranger the whole night, hence cancelling our hangout, which hurt me a lot cause I felt replaced. But since I made my own experience, I'm very understanding and empathetic, so I never accused him of anything (still told him that it’s confusing and hurting, but that I try to grasp his POV) and was trying to be patient, especially since he then lost his job. He told me that he liked hanging out with me one day, and the other day he was like "I just want to be alone," pushing me away, and he was always very inconsistent - promising activities or actions and then not following through, etc. He always said he's sorry that he's hurting me, that he doesn’t want to be the person doing this to me and it’s triggering him that he’s hurting me. Also that he desperately wants some stability back and that it’s too much to cope. Also that it’s nothing against me, but inside him and that he feels all of a sudden very anti-social, hermitting and that he’s just been focusing on himself (which was not working on him, but just playing video games the whole day).

Still he promised to text at least back and work on his behavior. And then, after his birthday, he completely withdrew, didn't answer my texts to check-in or my calls. After one month of silence, I reached out again and he told me, "I'm not making excuses for my actions, I hope you know I've been ignoring mostly everyone I know. I've been noticing attitude issues; I just snap and become angry without a reason. Please understand that, when I'm a bit better, we can talk."

I sent him some follow-up texts, assuring him that I'm not mad and here whenever he wants to reconnect, a longer email, random stuff that reminded me of him to shift the conversation, and even a cute gift via mail. But I didn't get any response, and it's been three months of silence now.I can see that he’s online at least twice a day, so at least he hasn’t done anything to himself. I'm pretty sure it's not personal, and he was honest with withdrawing in general, but I'm very clueless how to proceed. Should I continue reaching out or is it likely that he’s overwhelmed then? I really care about him and don’t want to make him feel like he’s given up on.
hat confused me also is that he called once out of the blue (normally, he would ask before if I was free to call) but didn't reply to my attempts to call back or tell me what he wanted. He also posted a pic I send him via Whatsapp once on Insta, not mentioning me which I don't mind, but giving me also more ???. I probably shouldn't have told him that the silence is affecting me, but I did it in an understanding way..And I always told him that there's no demand to respond when he's not feeling like it.

But I can’t deny that I’m also hurt and felt used, especially since we talked about so much dark stuff before and when he felt depressed, he used to at least tell me that he’s in no good state or say no to my proposals, but the total silence is really hard to understand and I’m not even sure if I’m right with my assumption. Perhaps he found a new job and needs all his enery for that, I really don’t know. Also, apart from him feeling angry, I don't know if he feels numb or anything else. But it's hard to imagine that feeling angry and snapping is enough reason to not even send a one-liner anymore? Possible that he moved on to other persons?

And is it, given the background, possible that he's suffering from BPD and not only depression? The mood changes, the fact that he’s been feeling empty and the deep abandonment issues make me wonder a lot. I’ve been researching in both directions, but it’s kind of overlapping. It would explain why we were so close in the beginning, when he felt a bit more stable, and now perhaps the bad phase took over again?

Hey there,

That was quite the post to go through, but I managed and am ready to share my look on the situation.

First of all, of course, I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's confusing, frustrating, and hurtful to be cut off in this manner. Sadly, since he asked for time, any message you send him will likely increase the time he needs by himself.

Speaking from experience here. I told my friend I needed space and that I'd contact her when I was ready not too long ago and every message I got from her resetted my timer, if you get what I mean. The idea is you send one reply to their request and then all you can do is wait.
Another time a friend of mine went through a mentally bad period and asked not to be contacted. That took a year in which I respected that wish and she came back apologetic and grateful (even thought I admit I was rather ticked cause she had opted to contact someone I hate before me).
So, always honour the wishes of the other.

Now I'm not going to diagnose someone based on one post written from only one perspective, but I can see why you'd consider borderline as an underlying problem. It could however also be any type of bipolar disorder. If the abandonment issues you mention are a distinct and irrational fear of people leaving him causing him to be clingy and lash out when they feel they are being abandoned, then I'd say borderline is an adequate guess. To be certain, he needs to spend some time with a psychologist.

I'd advice you to send him one last all encompassing message if you haven't already done so. One that explains that you will wait for him to contact you and that you won't message him till then to honour his wishes but that you'll be there the moment he needs you. Something like that.

All best,

~ Grey

Triskelion wrote:Hey there,

That was quite the post to go through, but I managed and am ready to share my look on the situation.

First of all, of course, I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's confusing, frustrating, and hurtful to be cut off in this manner. Sadly, since he asked for time, any message you send him will likely increase the time he needs by himself.

Speaking from experience here. I told my friend I needed space and that I'd contact her when I was ready not too long ago and every message I got from her resetted my timer, if you get what I mean. The idea is you send one reply to their request and then all you can do is wait.
Another time a friend of mine went through a mentally bad period and asked not to be contacted. That took a year in which I respected that wish and she came back apologetic and grateful (even thought I admit I was rather ticked cause she had opted to contact someone I hate before me).
So, always honour the wishes of the other.

Now I'm not going to diagnose someone based on one post written from only one perspective, but I can see why you'd consider borderline as an underlying problem. It could however also be any type of bipolar disorder. If the abandonment issues you mention are a distinct and irrational fear of people leaving him causing him to be clingy and lash out when they feel they are being abandoned, then I'd say borderline is an adequate guess. To be certain, he needs to spend some time with a psychologist.

I'd advice you to send him one last all encompassing message if you haven't already done so. One that explains that you will wait for him to contact you and that you won't message him till then to honour his wishes but that you'll be there the moment he needs you. Something like that.

All best,

~ Grey

Hey,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read all my random thoughts, and especially for giving me a lot of insight, kind words, and helpful advice.

I've never been in a situation like this before, so it really confused and hurt me. I prefer open communication over simply fading away from supposed "friends," although I'm not entirely sure if the term "ghosting" is the right one here. It's all so complicated and I switch from feeling used to being totally empathetic and trying to see his perspective from day to day.

Thank you for sharing your own experience. When I reached out, I really meant well. I read on another depression forum that some people who withdraw still like to know that they're not a burden, that someone still cares and makes it easier for them to reconnect. I also didn't take his text as a clear request to not be contacted, and some time has passed since then.
But it seems that my friend is in the same position as you, and it's really overwhelming or perhaps annoying him, at least that's my impression as every message is still unread.
Probably the same with the gift, why he's not even confirming the receipt.

Was it only the one friend you requested space from, or did you isolate yourself in general? And were you angry when she texted and texted again? If you don't want to answer, that's okay.

I understand the aspect of respecting the other person's boundaries. It just took me by surprise, and I also feel a bit abandoned, like there's no balance of my feelings or acknowledgment of how it affects me. I get that he may not be in a position to think about other people's feelings, but it's still hard to understand without any insight. I suppose when you were in that situation, you also didn't do it on purpose and were just "busy" healing yourself?

I sent him the recommended last message yesterday with all the information you suggested. He hasn't read it either, and I doubt he will, but at least I got it off my chest.

Thank you!

Greetings,

I can answer your question. Thank you for your considerate request.

In the case of this particular friend, it was only the one friend. Previous isolation was towards everyone, but the situation with this particular friend concerned an obsession masked using lies and gaslighting. Messages received were therefore anxiety inducing. Often anxiety goes paired with anger towards the cause of the anxious feelings though. A bit of both may have applied.

When the friend messaged, it seemed prudent to clearly state what feelings were stirred by her messages and that this meant responding would be out of the question from that moment until enough time was spent healing from the hurt. This is not something most people will be capable of doing, even though it provides clarity to the other person. As you pointed out yourself, your friend may very likely not be in the right mindset to consider anyone else. Pointing it out would only make him feel worse about himself, so it us best to leave it at this.

Best of luck in your wait. Feel free to vent here if necessary.

Kind regards,

Kay

Triskelion wrote:Greetings,

I can answer your question. Thank you for your considerate request.

In the case of this particular friend, it was only the one friend. Previous isolation was towards everyone, but the situation with this particular friend concerned an obsession masked using lies and gaslighting. Messages received were therefore anxiety inducing. Often anxiety goes paired with anger towards the cause of the anxious feelings though. A bit of both may have applied.

When the friend messaged, it seemed prudent to clearly state what feelings were stirred by her messages and that this meant responding would be out of the question from that moment until enough time was spent healing from the hurt. This is not something most people will be capable of doing, even though it provides clarity to the other person. As you pointed out yourself, your friend may very likely not be in the right mindset to consider anyone else. Pointing it out would only make him feel worse about himself, so it us best to leave it at this.

Best of luck in your wait. Feel free to vent here if necessary.

Kind regards,

Kay

Hey,

Thank you so much for sharing, that really helped.

In my case, I don't think its personal or that he's hurt or offended by me. Before he stopped replying, he always said that I'm not bothering him, that my actions don't annoy him but that he's more annoyed with himself, basically acknowledging that it's something inside him why he pushes people away.

I can only assume that the perspective changed or that he was so overwhelmed all of a sudden that my well-intended attempts added more stress into it and he didn't feel like communicating it to me anymore. But if he was honest in his message, he did that to nearly everyone.

You also mentioned that you had isolated before from everyone, was it similar that everything was just too much and that you withdrew for a while, not responding? If you don't mind me asking.

Thank you so much for the offer to vent. I might get back to that some day.

Hey again,

Sorry I'm a little slow getting through posts. I tend to go through recently posted topics in order and yours was bumped down.

I think this shutting myself off from everyone bit that my other part refers to was in response to a rather traumatic event. It'd be hard to compare that to what is going on here. Any other times it nore or less went accidentally so I don't see it as much as isolation. Like, I didn't notice until it happened. I didn't push people away. These would be in what I refer to as my low energy moments. I get mentally and physically exhausted, lose motivation, and the only thing I feel like doing is sleep through the day-- essentially, I am randomly depressed in these moments. I end up just not having the energy to reply to messages and then forgetting about them when I do have a bit of energy. There's also no need to be social in these moments.

With borderline, it's very common to be so afraid to get hurt that you remove any chance of getting hurt by isolating. This seems more likely to be the case with your friend. If you try to convince him repeatedly, he will just lash out if this is the case. So the message you left was good. It shows you're there when he feels ready and needs you, and at the same time you're not pressuring him to conquer his fears.

Does that clarify it a little?
For reference, I believe that I may have bipolar but I received a rather superficial borderline diagnosis in the past, so I've been well-informed of what a borderline thought pattern is like.

~ Grey