Misleading signals from girl with BPD

Long summary, I 30M, went out briefly with 29F who has BPD and other mental health issues. After a month she said we moved too fast and she not comfortable with it, and we should stay friends and I should move on. Since then she would sporadically text me to see how I’m doing, unless it’s the days we work together. On those days she would seek me out and text me more and hold hands with me, as well as saying misleading phrases, such as we should wear the same color hoodie, I look really cute, do I still have a crush on her, etc. This is all very confusing to me since I don’t know how to respond, any insight?

As a Mother of a 30 yr old daughter with BPD who just uses therapy to try to cope .. heal ect..
i need to tell u.. its most likely in your best interest to move on...
mixed messages in someone without BPD are a deal breaker.. this is screaming..STOP Now..
good luck

Oh wow, hold up. That's a little harsh. Not everyone with borderline is toxic and this mixed signal can indeed occur in people without borderline too.

You can call it a red flag and move on; you'd be doing exactly what she expects you to do.
What she's doing is "testing". She's terribly afraid of abandonment be that real or imagined. She's going to assume you will leave her and therefore runs before you can hurt her by actually leaving. However she clearly likes your company and you. You're her favourite person it seems. I won't say that you should pursue a relationship with her or not, but ask yourself if you love this girl. If "yes", read up on the disorder and have her see a therapist. Offer to come with for support. Borderline symptoms can fade over time with the right treatment! She is not a lost cause just because she's clearly scared to comit!

So my advice:
If you love her and want to date her;
- Ask her if she wants to try being a couple again.
- Explain you won't be going anywhere even if things get rough.
- Ask to join in a therapist appointment. Tell her you want to understand her and help her using the right tools.
- Let her know that you have limits too and agree on some rules with her (i.e. if we get upset, we don't argue in the heat of the moment, we cool down first and then we talk about it. Remember you don't have to be away from each other. You can just sit on the couch and hug each other to relax if that helps for you).

If she is toxic in any way that goes beyond your limits and seems unfixable;
- permit yourself to break off contact. This goes for any disorder. If she cheats on you, never says sorry, hits you or verbally abuses you ... you get out. The consequences are not on you. Don't let her break your rules. You agreed upon them. This is basic for any type of relationship. Communication is key!

Hope this helps. Remember the core emotion of borderline is not anger, it's fear.

All best (and Happy New Year),

~ Grey