Wife and HPD...am I off base?

Hello everyone, thanks in advance for taking the time to look over this post. I have been with my wife now for 15 years. I have noticed some of the traits of HPD in her for many years, but never even heard of it until I started doing online research. She exhibits signs of most of the personality traits, but I am not sure if she does the others. I will try to go through them and explain what I mean- maybe someone can point me in the right direction.

1) Uncomfortable in situations where she is not the center of attention: whenever we are at parties, she is lively, drinks (at times excessively), becomes impossible to deal with, and converses with others primarily about HER issues/past experiences. She rarely engages people in back to back conversation almost as if she doesn't care to hear about their situations, but only wants others to know about hers.When I talk to others, she loses interest and walks away or becomes withdrawn and quiet.

2) Interactions with others are sexually provocative: She is not promiscuous, and does not flirt with others, but is very touchy and has an exhibitionistic personality (ie: she will wear thongs a the beach, will flash for the camera in public places). She uses sex with me, and has used it (admittedly) in the past to "win" me back after we had issues.

3) Displays rapidly shifting and shallow emotions: this is what brought me here in the first place. When I they to communicate to her that there is a problem I have, she shuts me down- "get over it","well, that's your problem". But when she addresses an issue that she has, no matter what my response is to her, she is not satisfied with it and her conversations then become condescending and without emotion, which only frustrates me further. She will cry very rarely, and will otherwise have a "blank" look on her face when I try to open my heart to her or explain issues with her. Almost as if she "doesn't care". I have called her "emotionally unavailable" and "emotionally selfish" because in order to appeal to her, I am mentally drained constantly.

4) Is suggestible: she will have conversations with her friends and immediately adopts whatever advice they may give her. If a therapist or counselor tells her something, she immediately takes it literally with no processing whatsoever, and lives by it as gospel. However, if I offer suggestions or constructive advice, she shuts down and argues, or won't listen to it unless someone else reiterates it. If I tell her she is beautiful, she claims she doesn't believe it, but will come home and gush about how someone else called her "beautiful" or "sexy".

5) Style of speech is impressionistic: I am not sure what this exactly means. But she will repeat the same stories over and over and over again, not just to me, but to everyone she comes into contact with regardless of the situation. For instance, she broke her ribs while mountain biking with me and every time ANY conversation comes up it invariably circles around to this topic. The other day at the ER with her mother, they wheeled the Xray machine in, and she recapped the whole story to the Xray tech who was busy trying to get her mother set up for tests.

6) Considers relationships to be more intimate than they are: she can meet someone one time and she immediately calls them by their first name or nickname, or makes up a nickname for them, then proceeds to talk about the person, how she wants to "hang out" with them, etc. She met a woman online who lived in South Africa on Instagram that she had things in common with, thought the woman was her best friend, and was even going to fly to South Africa to visit her. When this person took her off Instagram, she was angered, hurt and upset.

7) Shows self- dramatization: all my family and friends find her "too high energy", riddled with anxiety, and her behavior at times will embarrass others. She is the loudest person on the room when she is excited, and I often will get strange looks from people as if it's MY fault she is behaving the way she is.

If I try to tell her to take it down a notch, I am "a buzzkill" or "not fun".
I'm here because I have no idea what to do. She is a wonderful and considerate person otherwise, but I feel the relationship has become unhealthy...meaning I am no longer happy when I am with her. It is "emotionally draining" for me, and I feel like a failure as a husband. She has also guilted me being with my children without her present, because she accuses me of saying too much to them (which I admit I have vented to my kids- I know it is inappropriate and have stopped this behavior), and says they don't like her anymore because of things I have done. They are her step kids, and they are both adult females. This is causing severe issues with our relationship. We are currently separated, have tried individual and couples therapy, but I feel that I may be barking up the wrong tree and she has HPD- which means I would need to convince her of such or we need a psychologist.
Thanks in advance. I got long winded but I am pretty desperate to see how I can proceed, and there are very few resources for me.

Those type of diagnosis are not useful for what you want, it's just a reason to condemn people.
If you have issues, you have to address the behavior itself and when it happens. Of course if she does not care, she won't change, so then it's up to you to take a decision of whether to live with it or not.

Generally though, if you had a 15 years marriage, she almost for sure does not have a personality disorder. Maybe she fits that personality type to some degree. Maybe it can give you some ideas of things to address if they are a problem, but in the end, it will be like anything else, you have to communicate and want to keep the relationship going on both sides.

Also, if it was fine for all those years, the problem is probably with you. You changed for some reason, not her, or maybe she did, but then you are not looking at the right place, because PDs don't change. That's kind of the point of it. It's also why it's a condemnation.

So if you want to use those psychiatric diagnosis to justify your decision to leave, it's your thing, but I think you are cheating yourself.