Introduction - My girlfriend has DID

Hello,

I just found out last night about DID. I had never heard of it before. My new girlfriend of 2 months was nothing but wonderful for the first 4 weeks. Then, what I characterized as multiple identities, showed up strong one day. I thought, well that was a bit rude but as long as I only have to deal with it once a month no problem. Then it showed up every day for the following week. I went on a trip for a week and came back to her explanation. She is a trauma and addictions therapist. She administered questions for both of us using the DES. She scored 38 and I scored 2.

It is my decision to want to work with this. I just came here looking for general ideas about how I should deal with this.

Thank you,
Pete

Hello,

Where could I find some general advice about how to deal with someone who has DID?

Thanks,
Peter

Hello,

I love this girl. When she's loving or normal she's a treat but when she's not she's not.

I often figure she's not really that different than all the other women I've been with. The difference is she can be colder and can't think about what the effects of her behavior are on people around her.

Any advice on how to deal with someone with disassociative identity disorder?

Should I just take the punches and wait for better times? The better times are pretty good. I guess that's for me to consider isn't it.

Thanks and have a good day,
Pete

Maybe repost this question in the DID forum?

Hi,

First thing first, since you don't mention your girlfriend being trained to diagnose dissociative disorders and only talked about the DES, I have to mention that the DES isn't a diagnosis tool, it's screening tool. Unless the person has very high scores, it's not precise at all. And by "very high", I mean 50 and above if you are considering DID.

If the person has comorbidities like autism or ADHD, it can create high scores for some items that aren't related to dissociation (even worse if the person doesn't know they have one or both as comorbidities).

So, 38 on the DES could means anything : C-PTSD or borderline personality disorder with high levels of dissociation, or partial DID/OSDD or DID.

Second, having DID doesn't make you rude or cold. Some protector parts can be like that when they are triggered, but that's not a component of the disorder. Suddent changes in behaviors, becoming really rude, violent or cold in a second without warning, can happen in any trauma related disorders when the person is triggered. Plus, when mixed with dissociation, trauma related disorders can involve having dissociated parts. They are less separated and autonomous than they are in DID or partial DID/OSDD, but they are there.

For example, my mom has C-PTSD, and also three dissociated parts that I can identify, sometimes with amnesia between them. But her behaviors and memory aren't dissociated enough on a daily basis for her to qualify for a partial DID/OSDD diagnosis (confirmed by her therapist trained in dissociative disorders).

So again : what you describe could be anything from C-PTSD to borderline personality disorder, to partial DID/OSDD or DID.

Your girlfriend will be sure about what disorder is related to her high level of dissociation only if she finds a trauma therapist specialised in dissociative disorders and their diagnosis - being a trauma T doesn't prevent you from needing a trauma T, specially when it comes to DD as amnesia and dissociation can prevent you to notice a lot of things about yourself.



So, I can give you 3 advices :

1) to think about the bad times and really ask yourself if you could live with them for the rest of your life. When it comes to complexe traumas, therapy can take years. For some people, it takes decades. If you want to be with her, you have to accept that the "better times" will come and go. You can't just stay with her hoping she'll be fixed into her "better" self. You have to accept her, all of her, as she is right now.

If you can't handle her at her worse, that's okay. Not everyone is compatible when it comes to dealing with the "bad times". But you have to be honest right now. I've seen too many people staying together, hoping the traumatized one will be better soon, will improve soon after finding a good T, ect. only to discover it doesn't work like that.

Close relationships are the one that triggers traumatized people the most, so it can take some time before therapy has any effect on the way the person is dealing with those relationships.

2) if you want to continue this relationship, then you'll have to learn about dissociative disorders, and to talk about it with your girlfriend - because not everyone with DD works the same, or has the same behaviors, or the same needs. There's a ressources thread here : Ressources thread

3) to find a therapist specialised in DD for yourself. Therapists aren't only for patients, they are also here to help the people living with them.