Missing host and relationships

Hello everyone,

I have been reading many posts here in the past 10 years and it has helped me a lot, thank you.

I have been in a long distance relationship with someone with DID, not diagnosed, for almost 10 years (her system was made of at least 100 alts I got to talk to)
She has always been in denial and the only T I could have her meet was before I found out she had alters and it ended up in a fight with this T, she never agreed on trying it again.

So I have been pretty much everthing for this woman I will call J, a boyfriend, a father, a friend, a so called Therapist eventually when trying to help her deal with all her DID journey on my own.
She always refused to deal with her alters so it was all on me to do so and help communication between them, in the past few years she got sick, I mean really sick, so she gradually came online less and less.
I already knew the host i had been in a relationship for years was in "deep sleep" for a very long time, the woman who came to me was an alt her main protector made to be with me instead.
The host, J, had a very special bond with a child alter, let's call her Y (potentially the original one ?), anything that would happen to one would happen to the other (say J cuts her hair, Y would have her hair cut too, if one is sick the other one will be too, always). Y too fell into deep sleep .

Two main groups would fight one another for decades over power/control, this power resides in this very child Y, she is the one who would consider me as her father, called me dad.

After a long while (several months, maybe a year) someone I never heard of came to me and said he had enough of all these fights and wanted me to have them stop or he would take both the original J and Y to some place no one can access and keep them away from trouble, in peace, whith would be better than face such fights and death.

So over time no one but J would come talk to me, less and less. From almost daily talks she came once a month, then once every two months down to 6 months....and it has now been over a year without news.

No news but one teenager alt, K, who isn't aware of who she is (part of this system nor J aware of her), we used to talk on an online game where she has an account (others did too but stopped comning at all over time). Her background story is pretty close J's, she is stuposed to be 19 but will express herself like a 5 or 6 years old kid and uses same words, reactions or saying that J or some alts in her system would.
She used to come often then when she too became sick (like J but not for the same reasons) she came less and less, but will still come check on me once in a while (like once a month, sometimes less).
I know K tells me about living in the real world, going to school, knows about events like politics or Covid-19. Other alts wich account sin this game would be supposed to live in the real world when other alts (without an account in this game) would live in the inside world only.
cares for me and wants my happiness, I am a father figure to her, someone to look up to as I was told.

So now, since in over one year only K has been talking to me, once in a while, and no one else, what should I understand ?
Has she become the host ?
Is she still an alt but in a system with/without host ?
Can J still be in deep sleep or awake and not remember of me at all ?
And eventually come back to me one day ?

I have been waiting for so long, watching her drift away from me, and then not come at all for over a year I'm so lost as to what to do with my life.

Sorry for making it all this long, I hope it wasn't too confused.

Any help, thoughts or analyses welcome.


Larme

- First of all, it is a very nice sentiment to help them all, but in my opinion, you should not be responsible for them and their therapy. They should be the ones responsible for their own therapeutic journey. This document might help. https://www.isst-d.org/wp-content/uploa ... ED2011.pdf

- Regarding who is the host who is not, and alter dormance: yes, host can change with time, and yes, some alters can enter dormancy for long periods of time. I am sorry for you that it means you are loosing connexion to someone dear to you. The only way to know for sure is, to ask the system about what is going on. But in order to get an answer, the system you are talking too, need a minimum of inner communication and co-awareness.

- As to what to do with your life: find yourself. Be happy. Live for yourself. You have been living for others for far too long.

- Take care.

__
X

Hello ArbreMonde,

I can detect some french language in your name (being I am french myself).
First of all thank you for reading and taking time to answer me, I have been wondering so much about all this, but I can't seem to find what I'm looking for.

I have ben reading pretty everything I could in two languages about DID to understand and help the best I could this woman.
So yes, I know hosts can change and it could be this way for a very long period of time unfortunately, but what I wonder about is since no one has been talking to me for over a year now but this one alt K, what should it mean ?

Should I consider at least one part of J still cares for me and wants to take news (even if she is totally disconnected to who she really is to J) ?
Or is it hoping for me to help her go through this journey even if there isn't much I can do when she comes so little...

Maybe is it a bit of both and including "spying" on me, to know if I have let go and move forward in life ?

PS : I have detected other personalities speaking through K, so she might have DID herself, but they haven't revealed themselves with names or anything yet, though I have nown her for about 3 years.

Larme wrote:Hello ArbreMonde,

I can detect some french language in your name (being I am french myself).
First of all thank you for reading and taking time to answer me, I have been wondering so much about all this, but I can't seem to find what I'm looking for.

I have ben reading pretty everything I could in two languages about DID to understand and help the best I could this woman.
So yes, I know hosts can change and it could be this way for a very long period of time unfortunately, but what I wonder about is since no one has been talking to me for over a year now but this one alt K, what should it mean ?

Should I consider at least one part of J still cares for me and wants to take news (even if she is totally disconnected to who she really is to J) ?
Or is it hoping for me to help her go through this journey even if there isn't much I can do when she comes so little...

Maybe is it a bit of both and including "spying" on me, to know if I have let go and move forward in life ?

PS : I have detected other personalities speaking through K, so she might have DID herself, but they haven't revealed themselves with names or anything yet, though I have nown her for about 3 years.

It would be probable to ask what happened, but there is no guarantee that won't just get them to distance further... It is possible that other alters are using K's name / account to speak to you without revealing themselves. It is also possible they could have been in (or are) in an outside abusive situation that is leading them to distance themselves from you.

In our case, we used to distance ourselves in such a manner (talking less, only one alter talking to the person, hiding, etc.) in an abusive situation or if the person was not trusted. It is possible that the have gone through a more recent trauma when this had started (or the traumatic situation has been continuing since then). Keep in mind that this is from our own experiences as we have acted similar to others in the past.

Larme wrote:I have ben reading pretty everything I could in two languages about DID to understand and help the best I could this woman.

& You're not her therapist. There is only so much you can do. You cannot force her to allow you to help. Plus, behaving as a savior for her, without caring about if she WANTS your help, is kinda toxic for the whole relationship, y'know?

Larme wrote:what I wonder about is since no one has been talking to me for over a year now but this one alt K, what should it mean ?

& It could mean a fudgeton of different things. Best is to ask. Could mean K is the new host / social mask / social filter. Could mean the system has borderline traits and K is trying to keep the connexion while the rest of the system is pulling the other way. Could mean something happened inside the system who decided K would be the only one talking to the outside for reasons. Could mean something else. Or it could mean nothing. Just that, it is how it is.

& Aks K directly. There is no use pondering over a forum. Every DID system is different. Stop over-thinking it. Just ask.

Larme wrote:I have detected other personalities speaking through K, so she might have DID herself

& Or maybe K is a pseudo the whole system uses to try to have a coherent face for the world. Or K is the "social mask" that many alters use to have a coherent face for the world. Or maybe a ton of other different things.

& Just. Ask.

& And stop behaving like you have to "save" her. Ask her what she needs and stop trying to "fix" her. You are not her therapist. You cannot force help on people who do not want your help. Moreover, what you think might help, could have the opposite effect.

& Ask. Stop overthinking. This is not about you. This is a dissociative person doing whatever she can to go through life. And sometimes, it means that old friends drift appart. That's just how life is. Because she is DID does not mean you have the right to force yourself upon her in a social relationship, just because you want to be the savior who will "fix" her.

& It's nice to want to help. But you cannot force her to accept your help. And your "help" might be doing more damage than good since you're not a trained professional therapist.

& Sorry for being so harsh but, if someone just came to me/us pretending to know exactly how to "fix" me/us and try to force me/us into following their instructions, pouring my/our thoughts into them, etc. I would just run away shrieking.

__
Urielle.

psychedelic wrote:

Larme wrote:Hello ArbreMonde,

I can detect some french language in your name (being I am french myself).
First of all thank you for reading and taking time to answer me, I have been wondering so much about all this, but I can't seem to find what I'm looking for.

I have ben reading pretty everything I could in two languages about DID to understand and help the best I could this woman.
So yes, I know hosts can change and it could be this way for a very long period of time unfortunately, but what I wonder about is since no one has been talking to me for over a year now but this one alt K, what should it mean ?

Should I consider at least one part of J still cares for me and wants to take news (even if she is totally disconnected to who she really is to J) ?
Or is it hoping for me to help her go through this journey even if there isn't much I can do when she comes so little...

Maybe is it a bit of both and including "spying" on me, to know if I have let go and move forward in life ?

PS : I have detected other personalities speaking through K, so she might have DID herself, but they haven't revealed themselves with names or anything yet, though I have nown her for about 3 years.

It would be probable to ask what happened, but there is no guarantee that won't just get them to distance further... It is possible that other alters are using K's name / account to speak to you without revealing themselves. It is also possible they could have been in (or are) in an outside abusive situation that is leading them to distance themselves from you.

In our case, we used to distance ourselves in such a manner (talking less, only one alter talking to the person, hiding, etc.) in an abusive situation or if the person was not trusted. It is possible that the have gone through a more recent trauma when this had started (or the traumatic situation has been continuing since then). Keep in mind that this is from our own experiences as we have acted similar to others in the past.

Hello Psychedelic,

And thank you for your answer.
You are right, there is omsethign going on in the outside world and it has an impact in the inside world.
As I see it, the body facing some bad illness must have caused some kind of chaos, added to the fact some alt must have taken away the dormant host I knew + the child alter who was dormant too, so that protectors and persecutors would stop fight for power over them.

Where I am lost is why no one but K can reach out to me.
It seems she belongs to a sub system, different to the inner world, or at least has been acting so since the very begining (she has her own account to talk to me, never spoke through the host, and no one ever mentioned her name before).

So when it comes to K, she knows nothing about others, only that J and I have been in a relationship for several years.
Since J was always angry and missing, K kept telling me to go find a better girlfiend, when J was away for months and months she would tell me it's about time to move on.
And when I finally met someone nice after years of waiting and no sign of life from J, all of a sudden K would go mad dand call me a traitor, a cheater for finding a good person to eventually share my life with.

It looks to me she was testing me, spying on me to know what I was doing with my life and when she finally heard I was ready to try and move on (whilst keep staying available several hours at days and night for her fo J if she ever came back), it triggered somethig in her and it was J's jealousy or some of her alts/common alts (if K is now the new host) that felt hurt about this.

I really try to be a good person and help the best I can, but I can't help someone who's hiding from me but talk the K whenever she comes to me.

ArbreMonde wrote:

Larme wrote:I have ben reading pretty everything I could in two languages about DID to understand and help the best I could this woman.

& You're not her therapist. There is only so much you can do. You cannot force her to allow you to help. Plus, behaving as a savior for her, without caring about if she WANTS your help, is kinda toxic for the whole relationship, y'know?

Larme wrote:what I wonder about is since no one has been talking to me for over a year now but this one alt K, what should it mean ?

& It could mean a fudgeton of different things. Best is to ask. Could mean K is the new host / social mask / social filter. Could mean the system has borderline traits and K is trying to keep the connexion while the rest of the system is pulling the other way. Could mean something happened inside the system who decided K would be the only one talking to the outside for reasons. Could mean something else. Or it could mean nothing. Just that, it is how it is.

& Aks K directly. There is no use pondering over a forum. Every DID system is different. Stop over-thinking it. Just ask.

Larme wrote:I have detected other personalities speaking through K, so she might have DID herself

& Or maybe K is a pseudo the whole system uses to try to have a coherent face for the world. Or K is the "social mask" that many alters use to have a coherent face for the world. Or maybe a ton of other different things.

& Just. Ask.

& And stop behaving like you have to "save" her. Ask her what she needs and stop trying to "fix" her. You are not her therapist. You cannot force help on people who do not want your help. Moreover, what you think might help, could have the opposite effect.

& Ask. Stop overthinking. This is not about you. This is a dissociative person doing whatever she can to go through life. And sometimes, it means that old friends drift appart. That's just how life is. Because she is DID does not mean you have the right to force yourself upon her in a social relationship, just because you want to be the savior who will "fix" her.

& It's nice to want to help. But you cannot force her to accept your help. And your "help" might be doing more damage than good since you're not a trained professional therapist.

& Sorry for being so harsh but, if someone just came to me/us pretending to know exactly how to "fix" me/us and try to force me/us into following their instructions, pouring my/our thoughts into them, etc. I would just run away shrieking.

__
Urielle.

Hello Urielle and I'm happy to hear your point of view.

I hear all you said and I agree with you, please don't get me wrong, I know full well I am no savior but just a man trying to be good and help if I can.

What may mislead you in seeing what I have been trying to do is that J is alone, so very alone, she has lost her adoptive mother several years ago (she knew her daughter was special but didn't understand it), so she now only has me.
She is dealing with severe depression, big alcool problems, suicidal behaviours and thoughts, may spend days without sleep or food...
This is mostly what I was trying to help with, so she would not feel alone alone, and after spitting out all her anger eventually get to eat something and sleep a few hours.

I never forced myself unto her in any way, it was a long distance relationship, so I would just sit online for several hours so she would find someone whenever she came here, she was always the one to decide if and when she comes see me.

When it comes to her alts, I tried to make them feel accepted, never rejected, and understood, cared for by someone from the outisde world.
I surely have done mistakes, mostly int he very begining when I had no clue what this all was, but reading and learning about it helped me help J and everyone else the best I could.

Back to a few years ago I could have spoken to her strongest protector (we were very good friends) and she would have told em what's going on inside, but I can't reach her or anyone anymore, only K who comes to me like once a month (if not less), and she know not that she is part of a system and connected with J/others.

Again thank you for yout thoughts Urielle, it helps me take out some guilt, since I can't do it all alone (even if I already knew that, it's good tohear it from someone who knows about it).

(moved to SOFF)