Help. NPD with HPD GF, Push/Pull for years

It might be 'easier' for you to define her every action through the disorder, but people are more complex than that. Humans are generally more receptive to kindness rather than reminding what's wrong with them.

Though that would mean not playing.

Seili wrote:It might be 'easier' for you to define her every action through the disorder, but people are more complex than that. Humans are generally more receptive to kindness rather than reminding what's wrong with them.

Though that would mean not playing.

Understood, Seili. But it goes both ways. If both parties are self-aware and undergoing therapy, they would both understand the games they've played and try to stop that behavior, a kindness in itself.

realityhere wrote:Understood, Seili. But it goes both ways. If both parties are self-aware and undergoing therapy, they would both understand the games they've played and try to stop that behavior, a kindness in itself.

Exactly. Since i'm going to therapy i understand myself and the whole situation. I see it clearly in a psychological way. I understand her actions too and why she does what she does. But it's simple, 2 people either grow together or grow apart.

You are right and that's exactly what i'm going to do. Focus on my exam and probably move on afterwards. After all, time is the most precious thing we have in life. Even with therapy she might not recover.

Midnight1 wrote:Focus on my exam and probably move on afterwards.

Why keeping her around when you could end this right away.

I agree with Seili.

We don't know her side of the story. And it does not sound like the poster is holding himself accountable in any way, shape or form.

This being said, they don't seem like a great fit. And it sounds like they would be better apart.

The guy want's to play and accuses the girl of playing.

Not accountable behavior.

Hopefully you'll find a respectable way to break up with her. Without blame shifting and without excessively triggering her.

I have a bit of a different view.

There really is something to the fire and ice relationship that "sometimes" happens between people with cluster B disorders. It happens, and in a way it is a special type of bond, intense on a level most relationships are not.

I doubt either is the cause of any falling out. Both are, and aren't. Oh sure, after the falling out both have to take their corners and will focus on who was at fault, but really neither was/is.

My view then is along the lines of the relationship was probably doomed to start (sorry to be a bearer of bad news), but likes two ships passing in the night, no doubt both got something out of it, and because of the underlying issues, it was bound to end too. A hard pill to swallow. For the OP, if you can, think of it like say an ideal work gig, or something like the best of times at college. Those times will pass, and be replaced by something else.

I am not saying people should be treated like work gigs either, just that odds are it was going to happen. At some point the honeymoon phase between cluster B types passes, and it's not really possible to go backwards in time.

It's really impressive that you're self aware about your NPD at such a young age and that you have such a good grasp of the pathological dynamic of your relationship with your gf who sounds like a textbook case of a person with HPD. There is a concept called shared fantasy that plays out in relationships like these. These intense feelings of supposed love and deep longing are kind of projections of an ideal image, a snapshot if you like that reflect back to you the adoration you feel towards your own idealized self. The HPD girl is just a mirrror of your own internal objects. The love is not real. Both of you are under a state of hypnosis which will inevitably at some point clash with reality and that's when the devaluation/discard, the very low lows, are bound to happen. This is the perfect ground for the development of trauma bonding which ironically is known to be the most intense bonding experience anyone can experience. Normal people seem boring to you because the love is real and the bonding is healthy. It's as if you try crack cocaine and then you declare that the sober life does not interest you anymore. It just doesn't make sense. But then nothing about PDs makes sense. If you can't dump her for your own sake, just think of your poor children. She will make their lives a living hell and will fill their innocent childhood with painful trauma. And then the cycle will be repeated all over again generation after generation. Not worth it. You're too smart for that. You're on the right path towards healing and she's not. Give her the boot. Treat your relationship with her like an addictionand you will be over her in no time.