HPD? Literary analysis of Anna Karenina

I wanted to share this resource, written quite a while ago by an obviously intelligent person, as it describes Anna Karenina as possibly HPD although I think perhaps BPD or comorbid would be more accurate:

http://hurrahfork.blogspot.com/2006/07/anna-karenina-histrionic-woman.html

Ah I remember reading Anna Karenina and realizing I had to end things with mine. Didn't make it any easier. Sigh.

It's a difficult disorder, in great part because of the frequent reinforcement from others to remain as-is. Some people believe that people with HPD may change as they age (sexual attractiveness works less well), but even then, it could change into attention seeking using other means (e.g., hypochondria).

shimtie wrote:...Didn't make it any easier. Sigh.

Yea, it's common the want to understand what happened, to understand the disorder, but eventually that becomes a dead-end too.

The biggest step we can make, when ready, is to turn our focus from what is going on with the person with a cluster B disorder to what attracted us in the first place? Why did we hang in there for so long? Why did we keep avoiding red-flags? And so on.

One day you wake up and realize you'll never repeat again. You'll never ignore those red-flags again. The only thing then is to remember, it had to be learned the hard way. For anyone else caught up in the HPD (or NPD, BPD, AsPD) enchantment, they also must learn the hard way too. No explanation will change that. We see what we wanted to see

Thank you for that response. Oh so much introspection has followed. It felt good to provide nurturing to her and to see her pleasure and moments of glee.

But it was like to a child who's soaking it in but can't be in adult relationship. Slowly realizing it wouldn't, couldn't be returned in a properly reciprocal way, now that burns. There were a few moments that were good but overall, no ....just no.

And all the other men doing the same/similar for her, sigh. Getting closer just made the pain worse until I'd HAD IT. She wanted to be friends. Huh!?

Um yeah, I have come to see it that way, I'm telling myself that. I keep telling myself I wouldn't have gotten into this if I knew what I now know. And that kinda lets me off the hook in a way..it was just ignorance on my part. So there's hope for future. No Ms. Kareninas in my future.

Understood, and I suspect you won't put yourself in the same position again now that you know what you didn't know then

Yes, and I have been settling into that truth lately and I do notice that I'm basically just going limp and playing dead in the presence of women who seem similar. For example on the 4th, I meet a gal dressed skimpy totally out of place with all the other women, constantly speaking openly and aggressively about her own physical appearance and artistic outputs, bouncing around trying to get attention at family party...I'm like yeeeeah I'll casually interact but ZERO interest, sort of disengage. I don't want another shitshow. I'm sincere about that. I respect and appreciate the less dramatic women more now. Or the other one that loudly vomits all the details of her current and past life struggle to any members of the public who will listen at the local cafe. Sigh.

I don't really engage beyond the faintest social acknowledgment or speaking together about something more neutral. I notice what seems to be up with them, I empathize internally within myself with their issues but I understand that I can't save, change, earn the Personality Disordered Person's gratefulness for being their Life Preserver or anything of that kind. Oh yes, I've been very introspective about my own motivations and semi-conscious impulses for past decisions. I sort of visualize pulling the tiller sideways and my sailboat avoids the collision.

It is so very cathartic / healing to see, read and interact with a few people who've had similarly disastrous mini-relationships (and the spectacular instances of those who kept them on life support for MULTIPLE YEARS!!!). In moments of weakness I do feel I need to REPEATEDLY call to mind what a mess it would be to re-engage my apparent-HPD woman (I'm No Contact for 15 months now but I see her around town, I just avoid).

I have one buddy who went through some of this nonsense too, he apparently learned the lesson way before I did

shimtie wrote:...For example on the 4th, I meet a gal dressed skimpy totally out of place with all the other women, constantly speaking openly and aggressively about her own physical appearance and artistic outputs, bouncing around trying to get attention at family party...I'm like yeeeeah I'll casually interact but ZERO interest, sort of disengage. I don't want another shitshow. I'm sincere about that. I respect and appreciate the less dramatic women more now.

That applies to the unaware NPD types too, who are constantly bragging about self for those who have gotten involved with a unaware NPD personality type.

Eventually you see what is behind the appearance of confidence is lack of the kind of self-esteem that does not need constant bolstering. Once you make that mental flip, it's hard to go back to seeing it the way it used to appear. Before you make that mental flip though? Odds are nothing anyone would have said would have made a difference. They could warn endlessly and we would still see what we wanted to see.

Less dramatic does not mean less confident. It can just mean less showy and less needy of other's approval.

hear hear. That's the truth.. I absolutely had to go through it and I can guarantee nobody could have warned me. I wouldn't have listened. Something catches my eye? I am asking WHY now. I don't just go for it... very cautious now.

It's kind of like seeing a Necker cube shift, or one of several other optical illusions that can appear as one thing, until you see the other. But we are blind to what we don't know. Once you see it though as false confidence, from that point on the changes in perception begin to take hold and grow.

Indeed, there is absolutely nothing anyone can say that will change someone's mind who has fallen under the spell of charming, love bombing, mirroring, over-the-top confidence, etc., until they see it another way for themselves. The best anyone can do is warn, then step back and wait it out for them to make that mental shift. It's unfortunate for a couple of reasons -

Often someone who fell for the show/act of confidence ends up feeling badly hurt, but it's also unfortunate for those with a PD. They are mostly reacting to what they are rewarded for, and as long as there are others who encourage them to remain as-is (and there always be), there isn't much motive to change. They are stuck too in their perceptions because '...but others approve of me, you don't anymore, so the problem must be you...' They aren't wrong in seeing it that way.

It's why when you meet someone who has an extreme personality like NPD or HPD, the crowd will often be split into those who approve to an extreme, and those who are going WTH! Extremes tend to result in extremes.

Good analogy. I do value seeing things as they are, beyond the veneer and I got caught up in appearances.

Yeah but the adulation is open; the ones going "WTH" are quietly turning the tiller to avoid the crash.