Mother who abused me is now dying of cancer...

Hi guys,

I never thought I would join a forum like this but I literally have no where to turn to, Ive been crying and silently screaming all night. My friends would never understand me, even the one that I trusted to be more understanding judged me which led me to break.. So here it goes.

My mom was abusive, but she was also selective. Of 4 of us siblings she only ever physically abused and emotionally neglected two of us, one which was me and the other my sister, lets call her the good sister. She spoiled the other "bad" sister and the little "dyslexic" brother rotten.

Father was not around, he was an irresponsible man. And when hes with us, hes sometimes loving and affectionate, but mostly over-protective, even mean and EXTREMELY controlling.

Mother blamed her daily psychotic episodes of screaming and breaking things on father (very VERY traumatizing for me). He does nothing about it. And when hes not there she lets it out on me and good sister by beating, slappin, biting etc. Btw, Ive always known mom was mentally ill (signs of psychosis, hysteria, etc) - but no one ever seemed to intervene! Its due to a rough childhood as well.

During teenage years, Bad sister took the role of being the verbal and emotional abuser - much more then mother now.

Anyway I grew up suffering with all the effects of stress including insomnia, obesity, IBS, severe social anxiety, severe low self esteem and the list goes on (that includes my other siblings as well). Never could focus in school we all became failures.

In my teen years when the bad sister started rebelling, mom tried to make ME her favorite (just to use me - I was aware of that but was quiet). It made bad sister hate me even more as shes always has been jealous and perceived me as "dads favorite".

All I felt was depression. I hate self-diagnosing but I really did suffer with bipolar symptoms - extreme episodes of depression and mania. I hated myself so much. I was very quiet and abnormally shy. no friends, no life, no college. nothing.

I found out I had anxiety disorder when I read an article in my late teens and that opened my eyes for the first time and I began my very very long and hard journey into self discovery and "recovery". Fast forward 13 years later. I have gotten over most of my social anxiety. Lost weight. Had working experience, traveled alone etc. But I wouldn't say I'm super accomplished or proud of myself, I'm also not exactly "healed" from the past because all I tried to do was cover it up. I also never seemed to go through or finish what I've started or want to do in my life. For years and years...til now

My dad is very old and hes bed ridden, pretty much "gone". My rotten sister is a rotten self entitled brat who never sacrificed a minute for anyone but herself. Shes living overseas using peoples money not working or doing anything. Shes such a nasty person, just to give one example : few years back she paired up with my psychopath ex-boyfriend to "ruin" me.

Good sister was the "wild" child but now shes very responsible and mature working woman (even though struggles with relationships and emotional issues) - we love each other and are super close. My brother with the learning difficulty is a almost fully mentally handicapped now, because of how my mother coddled him, pulled him out of school, never let him out of the house or socialize with other, brainwashed him with her lies and stories, fed him extremely unhealthy food (like crisps and fast food). He was a normal healthy child with slight learning disability. and now after all the abuse from her and bad sister - hes become schizo! I tried to fight for him from childhood, but mother always threatened to punch me etc, Its almost like she has Munchhausen syndrome.

So a few months ago she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I decided to help and take care of her no questions asked. I truly felt sorry for her. But after a few months now, I cant bear it anymore. Her toxic behavior and just the sheer IRONY of KILLING MYSELF TRYING TO SAVE SOMEONE WHO TRIED TO KILL ME AND IS STILL KILLING MY BROTHER.. so now im having a bad mental breakdown which started a month ago and I tried to get up and dust it off but only seems to get worse and worse as long as Im living with her.

nobody understands... shes seems to be just a sweet ol lady in everyones eyes.... sometimes I dont get it myself. Its not like shes physically or verbally abusive now dont get me wrong (or not since I was in my mid-teens) but shes still HER... I dont know how to explain it. The woman who made us all sick mentally and physically, and I hate to say this to myself but I really feel like she ruined us and our lives.
I feel bad at moments, guilty and wrong. But I cant help this feeling. Im angry and im in pain. the burden is way too heavy. And of course expressing this to ppl would only make them feel sorry for her more and see me as a monster!

I dont know what to do. Run away? And its such a shameful situation as I'm not even in my 20s anymore. Sad thing is that Ive gained back a lot of weight and Im obese again, im also starting to have anxiety like before. I feel like I cant function, just want to curl up and die. Ive just been in my room since my last outburst (I saw mother feeding my brother ice-cream and i slammed it down the sink and broke some sugary cereal boxes). Ive cut communication with my friends. just eat and sleep.
I really feel like she is kryptonite. All I can think of is how much I hate her, I cant stand the sight of her face but theres a small part of me that feels sorry for her . The anger and hate goes against my principles of always doing the right thing. So what kills me are these two STRONG conflicting thoughts and feelings battling each other within!

Shes now using all the money to get an brand new apartment and everything JUST for herself (and brother), and leaves me in the old worn out "haunted" house full of awful memories that she created. I don't understand how she wants to spend so much money and so much of MY energy as well for herself to get better but she continues hurting and potentially killing others... and shows no remorse...

Sorry for the long dragged out story all... Im not good at summarizing... Please help... I dont understand anything anymore, and I dont know what to do. Im broken...

Excuse my assumptions, but are you taking care of not only your mother, but your father also?

realityhere wrote:Excuse my assumptions, but are you taking care of not only your mother, but your father also?

Hi there, thanks for replying...

Its a bit complicated because my dad lives in another country. Hes 90 years old and recently got sick. My good sister was the one living there with him and I would visit every once or twice a year. Then 6 months ago I decided to go because I wanted to help my sister settle some legal issues.. its complicated stuff but we had an awful relative control our fathers finances & assets. Long story. Long painful story.

Anyway, when I arrived, my dad also had an infection..to cut long story short it led to a major operation and it was all so stressful and depressing...just tiring... and it felt like it was just the two of us (my good sister and I) against the world. It was especially tiring for me because I was the one taking care mainly and my sister was at least was happy using her "job" as a way to escape.

The other "bad" sister living in a neighboring country heard from my good sister and was even told that my dad could die, she never cared. After almost 3 months, mother called and gave me the news about cancer so I flew back immediately. I even threw away a chance of a lifetime when a friend offered for me to join his big project - First time in my life! And a real golden opportunity.

Just FYI Mother has two other children also from previous marriage (and guess what? they are totally healthy, sane and stable with jobs and a family unlike us. Because she didn't raise them! but of course we are the faulty monsters). Anyway, everyone put the pressure on me to fly there. Those two half sibling made excuses and only flew in later to stay for 2 days. Bad sister just pretended to care and want to fly here but but almost 4 months have passed and shes still screwing around in that country pretending to be an Instagram star (mind you, shes 4 years older!) But...I didn't care at the time because I really did feel worried and sorry for her and just wanted to help.

Nothing makes sense anymore. I feel like EVERYONE (family and relatives especially) are using me knowing that I'm kind. I have been too kind... too patient...and I want to blow up.. That's honestly how I feel. Or am I just victimizing myself? Everything is f*cked... my life... home life... social life.. bad and broken relationships with everyone... all I feel is anxiety, anger, self-loathing... Im not a bad person! and I dont want to feel this pain..

Btw, right before I went to my sis and dad, I was trying to get my life together and actually went back to college… I failed right before 1st semester ended…the stress got to me… also reconnected with an old friend who turned out to be extremely toxic, on top of that having my brother and mother suddenly come back and live with me in the middle of the semester stressed me out 1000 times more as brother would scream and shout day and night (he became like that after living for 2 years with mother and bad sister). At the time I also felt it was the "house" and expressed many times that the "house" is killing me.

I feel like I fail with everything I do. With my own mental and physical health, relationships, friendships, business, work, studies… Im sorry I just have to let it out…

Hey girlindanger,

girlindanger wrote:Nothing makes sense anymore. I feel like EVERYONE (family and relatives especially) are using me knowing that I'm kind. I have been too kind... too patient...and I want to blow up.

For me, this was your key paragraph, or key portion of. Everything comes down to this.

And no it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense because in theory our parents are supposed to be our caretakers, the two people out of 7 billion+ that should choose that role, but then... the child ends up being their parent. It is not because of what is happening now either, it's because you've been in the parent/caretaker role to mom since you were a child.

It also doesn't make sense because for the child who grows up with guilt trips, the story that if you just give me more of what I want, then I'll love you, we may really believe that others appreciate the kindness (or should appreciate it). It's not true. People who appreciate kindness don't suck others dry.

I think you are on the precipice of a new beginning. One in which you finally start taking care of you, but it won't be easy. Those damn guilt trips that got burned in from such an early age are hard to grow out of.

xdude wrote:Hey girlindanger,

girlindanger wrote:Nothing makes sense anymore. I feel like EVERYONE (family and relatives especially) are using me knowing that I'm kind. I have been too kind... too patient...and I want to blow up.

For me, this was your key paragraph, or key portion of. Everything comes down to this.

And no it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense because in theory our parents are supposed to be our caretakers, the two people out of 7 billion+ that should choose that role, but then... the child ends up being their parent. It is not because of what is happening now either, it's because you've been in the parent/caretaker role to mom since you were a child.

It also doesn't make sense because for the child who grows up with guilt trips, the story that if you just give me more of what I want, then I'll love you, we may really believe that others appreciate the kindness (or should appreciate it). It's not true. People who appreciate kindness don't suck others dry.

I think you are on the precipice of a new beginning. One in which you finally start taking care of you, but it won't be easy. Those damn guilt trips that got burned in from such an early age are hard to grow out of.

Thank you, your insight means a lot to me. But I cant help but feel hopeless. I've had those moments before where I felt ok now things are different. Last year my friend celebrated my birthday wishing me a happy new life with my decision to go back to college and getting into action to getting rid of dreadful house (and stuff I've hoarded) and move out. I was positive, I cried about it even, thought for atleast the fifth time in my life "ok, NOW things are different. Now I will love myself, now I will let go of the anger and hate, now I'll be able to confront people easily, now ill get healthy and lose weight, etc.etc"

I don't know. Should I get up and leave my mother in order for things to really change? I cant help but feel guilty to do that, Im scared I'll regret it the day that I see her frail and on her death bed...I would blame myself forever... but I cant stand the sight of her... its crazy! When I think about leaving I get scared too... how am I going to get a job? what am I going to do? So theres a lot of fear and confusion, and no confidence... I just hate who I am, how I look...

What should I do?

If you can chant a kind of mantra, then remind yourself that "This too will pass". Your parents will not live forever. It's understandable that you're feeling the gamut of emotions regarding your mother's abusiveness and dysfunctional family life. Maybe you're hoping that she will change and turn into this ideal parent now that she is sick and dependent on you. The trouble is, she's been dependent on using you as a scapegoat in order to boost her own ego for all of your life, and I certainly don't think she's going to change her spots. So, dispassionately disengaging yourself as her target for everything gone wrong in her life may be a way to reduce the stress you're experiencing. Try not to get involved in the drama she creates.

In the meantime, can you make an effort to find a job? Are there social services where you live that can help you find a job? Having a job will help you start a new life and perhaps enough money to pay for a day care person who can look after your mother. Is that possible? This way you aren't stuck all day long with your mother and only have to tend to her in the evenings, thus reducing the amount of time you spend with her. Plus the job can help you to re-direct your energy for yourself, not just for your mother.

Since you have siblings, can you request a respite for yourself and get one of them to take some time to help with their mother's care or at least pay for a day caregiver for your mother?
I'd say it's time to call out their selfishness for dumping their mother's care in your lap and their lack of help, financial or otherwise, to their parent. You're justifiably angry and stressed out about this issue and you should let them know how you feel-- burned out from doing a 24/7 thankless job. Depending on where you live and if your community has any nursing care/ hospice facilities, you may also want to discuss this possibility for your mother with your siblings, when the cancer advances and weakens her health further. They or the state will have to foot the bill if your mother has made no provisions for this eventuality. The new house may have to be sold to pay for her medical and care bills, if there is no other source of money.

As for your brother, well, do you have a door to your bedroom and a door lock on it? Just take a time-out from him. Either go to your own space or take a walk outside.

Lastly, if you can also get help from a therapist, that would be helpful as well, though I understand that circumstances may not permit such. Having someone person-to-person to talk about these things is far better than what any of us can do here online. These are just suggestions, take what you think will work for you. The forum will always be here, if you need to talk about your issues.

Hey girlindanger,

I don't know what you are okay with doing, but...

girlindanger wrote:What should I do?

Sometimes it can work to just stopping 'doing' anything, and see what happens. I know that is not a very satisfying answer, but part of our problem as guilt ridden children is that we learned we have to fix things. We don't. We can end up being overly controlling too trying to fix other's problems.

What's the worst that happens if you do nothing for a while, let the chips fall where they will?

xdude wrote:Sometimes it can work to just stopping 'doing' anything, and see what happens. I know that is not a very satisfying answer, but part of our problem as guilt ridden children is that we learned we have to fix things. We don't. We can end up being overly controlling too trying to fix other's problems.

What's the worst that happens if you do nothing for a while, let the chips fall where they will?

I agree with this.

Just because they're willing to throw you to the wolves, doesn't mean you should abandon yourself to retraumatizatuon, burn out or nervous breakdown in order to fulfill what you were trained (or enlisted) to do as a child.

I guess it will come down to what you can live with after the fact though.
You don't owe them anything.

Seek therapy if you can, so at least you have a compassionate ear and someone to help you cope with your own trauma as you go through this.

DaturaInnoxia wrote:Just because they're willing to throw you to the wolves, doesn't mean you should abandon yourself to retraumatizatuon, burn out or nervous breakdown in order to fulfill what you were trained (or enlisted) to do as a child.

What a great word, 'enlisted'. I am gonna reuse that

I know you are hurting girlindanger, and nobody else but you knows what you can live with, but really really, generally nothing goes all that wrong when we just let go, let the cr*p hit the proverbial fan. Most people will pick up their load if given no other choice, or they will find someone else to drain, or they won't and learn a lesson.

Again I know this isn't a very satisfying answer, but I am glad you are on the verge of finally seeing, you need to take care of you first. That does not make you selfish, a monster, or any other guilt trip you learned. It just makes you human.

realityhere wrote:If you can chant a kind of mantra, then remind yourself that "This too will pass". Your parents will not live forever. It's understandable that you're feeling the gamut of emotions regarding your mother's abusiveness and dysfunctional family life. Maybe you're hoping that she will change and turn into this ideal parent now that she is sick and dependent on you. The trouble is, she's been dependent on using you as a scapegoat in order to boost her own ego for all of your life, and I certainly don't think she's going to change her spots. So, dispassionately disengaging yourself as her target for everything gone wrong in her life may be a way to reduce the stress you're experiencing. Try not to get involved in the drama she creates.

In the meantime, can you make an effort to find a job? Are there social services where you live that can help you find a job? Having a job will help you start a new life and perhaps enough money to pay for a day care person who can look after your mother. Is that possible? This way you aren't stuck all day long with your mother and only have to tend to her in the evenings, thus reducing the amount of time you spend with her. Plus the job can help you to re-direct your energy for yourself, not just for your mother.

Since you have siblings, can you request a respite for yourself and get one of them to take some time to help with their mother's care or at least pay for a day caregiver for your mother?
I'd say it's time to call out their selfishness for dumping their mother's care in your lap and their lack of help, financial or otherwise, to their parent. You're justifiably angry and stressed out about this issue and you should let them know how you feel-- burned out from doing a 24/7 thankless job. Depending on where you live and if your community has any nursing care/ hospice facilities, you may also want to discuss this possibility for your mother with your siblings, when the cancer advances and weakens her health further. They or the state will have to foot the bill if your mother has made no provisions for this eventuality. The new house may have to be sold to pay for her medical and care bills, if there is no other source of money.

As for your brother, well, do you have a door to your bedroom and a door lock on it? Just take a time-out from him. Either go to your own space or take a walk outside.

Lastly, if you can also get help from a therapist, that would be helpful as well, though I understand that circumstances may not permit such. Having someone person-to-person to talk about these things is far better than what any of us can do here online. These are just suggestions, take what you think will work for you. The forum will always be here, if you need to talk about your issues.

Hoping she'll change... Maybe sometimes I dream of that but... reality is that I've given up on that a very long time ago. The only thing I wish or dream about is being so rich and independent... that I can just get away from my family and help them by providing them with some money without having to ever see them... And maybe I've projected all this on my friends and people I meet because I tend to attract and be friends with rather toxic females, although some of them not necessarily bad people but they are I often feel like they are using me to unleash their negative emotions because I so willingly accept it...

And about my Brother... I think in a sense I feel like hes a reflection of me... These days when I'm angry and cant control myself, especially when I see him lounging on the sofa all day with the phone, Ill get mad and pour some ice water on his face... the worst thing I've done is beat him really hard with a fishing rod. I cant take it seeing him there... hearing all his weird schizo screaming and awful moaning sounds. Deep down it has always saddened me to see what my parents have done to him. They totally destroyed his life and his health both mental and physical. It kills me, and I know most of the anger I'm projecting towards him is actually meant for my mother. I know that. I'm tired... all I ever tried to do was help, I gave part of myself like not a lot of people would ever do. Im not claiming to be a perfect angel, but I am not a bad person and being in this situation around all these people makes me feel like an evil psychopath.

My other siblings, well the good sister is already handling my dad, the bad sister is nasty and selfish. And Im glad shes not around because shes evil and makes me feel nervous like being around a rabid dog. The half siblings, one has a family and job and the other is making excuses. So no I have no one. And my mom is still able to walk normally and drive etc.. She not, or not yet, in that weak condition and she has one part-time maid and another one full-time..

Financially we are doing quite okay. For me, finding a Job is tricky because first, I dont have any qualifications, the previous job I got was under different circumstances which is not possible now. second, my life is so messed up, my mind is messed up. The house is messed up... Im also a hoarder btw and trying my best to let go of all the things so it can set me free but its hard.
Things have always been so unstable and I feel like its pointless. I do live of some income from an investment I've made a few years back and its just enough to live off and maybe get a cheap studio. But not enough for anything else. Just living basically. So I will see my therapist again..last time I saw her was 2 years ago...