email i never did send to undiagnosed bpd I think.

Mystery girl,

I'm writing this in a way to make peace for myself and give myself a form of closure.

when you came into my life it was like a dream come true. the love you had to offer was unbelievable and seemed so sincere. I was one happy man and on top of the world, head over heels in love. Thought to myself where did you come from and how did I get so lucky.

Time passed and things started to become up and down. We fought and you would break up, block my calls with me almost each time. the fights were useless and over nothing. This happened multiple times and each time it was more and more intense and more hurtful and deep.

When you were sick and needed me I made myself available to you by missing work or cancelling anything I was supposed to do. I wanted nothing more than for you to see that I was there, as a boyfriend, friend and someone that loved you deeply.
You were my girl and I put you on that pedestal where I thought you belonged. You truly were my love.

Further in you changed a lot and really opened my eyes. 5 years you came only to one family gathering and always had an excuse to not come.
You talked down about my kids, you talked down about my family and even your own family and friends. You would be ruthless and attack me verbally with things that never happened but continue to accuse me of wrong.

I made countless excuses for your behavior and put up with it even though it killed me more and more with each backhanded comment you had. People we went out with started to see these patterns and did not hide that from me. Still I made excuses you were just stressed with other things. How stupid of me.

You managed to blind fold me and kept me on a leash. Always guilted me for anything and accused me of wrong doings and thoughts. Nothing I ever did in the end was good enough or properly done to your standards.

The sad part is that I was so blind and in love that you can know now that you never had anything to worry about in regards to me cheating or even thinking of it. I was 100% faithful and in love and in total focus on you and making you smile and laugh.

The way you seen me and started talking hurt me a lot and it still hurts even though we haven’t spoke again following the break up and now 3 months in.

You always put me on a shelf or ignored me and on your bday you hid from me only for me to find you sitting at the pool with other guys. “ your friends”.
You were seen on a dating site after one fight where you dumped me on thanksgiving to not attend my family dinner.
You always did that on holidays!

How was I so blind and stupid to keep up this relationship with such a liar and manipulative person?

I blame only myself for this and don’t blame you one bit. You chose your ways and path.
Your path seems very lonely to me and empty.
You would always tell me when you were down or stressed that god will send you a real man one day that will “have your back”..
Later I came to realize that what you want now is someone to pay your way through life. What doesn’t make sense is while with me I never let you pay for anything ever. I let you buy me a coffee maybe 3 times during the 5 years. I never understood this? or it seems like this is what you want? not sure, I don't know what is real or true that you say or do.

I let you walk all over me and you took full advantage of that. You called me cheap, called me names and swore at me ( something I would never consider doing), called my family names and told me a couple times my kids didn’t even like me and you would tell me your friends and mutual friends would say things about me.

I wish I can understand why you seen a need to go to such great lengths to hurt me when all I ever wanted was to love you like I thought you deserved.

You hurt me deeply and I never experienced anything like this before with anyone else.
I do know for myself that I am a extremely giving and caring person. I have a heart that I want to share, I have manners, morals, goals and most importantly I have feelings.

You left me as a heep of garbage and like I meant nothing. You didn't just leave but you made up lies about me and shared them with mutual people we knew. every last bit of it was a lie to make me look like a monster.

I came to notice after your many call backs after weeks of the silent treatment that you would want me back but just dump me again after a few weeks. SICK & TWISTED!

You are a train wreck and wrecked me. I don’t hate you or wish bad upon you. I hope you get help and find what makes you happy.
People that know me reassure me it is your loss and also seen your ways and immaturity. Even your own parents would disagree with your comments about this monster I was made to be.

For myself I now Believe them and how I seen myself. Your right you do deserve better for this “real man” and hope you find him if you haven’t yet.
Your cruel and a total mess of a person. I don’t know why your like that and never will.

I wish you well in life but I choose to no longer tend to your call backs and flirt texts. I will no longer play a part in this childish act you have to offer.
I wish I could fix you but I can’t.
Your beyond help and need professional help.

I am sorry if the things you said and thought, you actually believed to be true.
I’m sorry if I wasted your time.

For me this game is over. I pray for the strength to not fall into this trap ever again.
I pray for you that a Miracle happens for you and you see the destruction you leave behind you and in your past.
I’m sorry you were dealt this hand in life to make you like this.
I do thank you for the love you poured out at the beginning and when you seen fit. It was truly amazing and felt great.

To bad I see you now for who and what you are. A fake & a fraud, your love was a show and your heart empty, you have no emotions even though you liked to cry about stress and others.
I wish peace and happiness for you one day.

And with that note I will say good bye to the person I thought you were. I will forever miss that girl and I say good bye shattered and devastated. However, the power you had over me is gone. I’m gone, my feelings are gone and I have completely given up.

Farewell to you my illusion of the perfect woman.

Sincerely:

Deer in headlights

Hi Phantom1,

While sending her that letter would be pointless from her point of view, that's quite the amazing letter from yours.

I have no doubt you are a good guy who kept trying to see her in the best possible light. You've captured the devaluation others have been through as well. The parts about calling you cheap, a 'real man' would/will do this or that, I just want someone who can take care of all the finances while I get to do whatever I want, immediately out chasing other men over any perceived (or self created) reason, and so on.

Which gets into -

It's all very confusing to go from being idealized in the beginning, to being emotionally shredded as the relationship progresses, but your perception is correct.

You've had your self-esteem methodically torn down, the very opposite of what someone who loves you would do. I'm sure your goal was to build her self-esteem up, and did. Sad thing is how it backfires. The more you built her up, the more empowered she became to tear you down. Sucks, but it really does happen. It's all about control, to squash your inner fire.

Also it was good to read you are seeing clearly now. That you see now, BPD reasons aside, her constant/intense focus on her own wants/emotions of the moment meant there was no room or concern over your wants and emotions. Actually to put that more correctly, no room for anyone else but herself. It really wouldn't have mattered what you did, or tried to do, she is just not capable of long term care for anyone else but herself.

Good to read that you've taken her off the mental and emotional pedestal. That you are not stuck in the endless loop of 'maybe there is some positive reason, maybe she has an excuse because of BPD, if I just understood more about BPD I could fix this'. That you are now seeing the full her, including the not so nice side.

But yea, doubtful you should send this letter. She just isn't going to read it and go 'oh my you are right, I played a big part in what went wrong'.

I agree that sending it is pointless.
I was told to write things out as a way to read back and re read it. Hopefully it gives someone peace of mind or a push in a direction.
So much more I could have added but it would be a novel.

I would never go back to this person if she offered to pay me. It’s not worth it and impossible to change anything. The changes and eye openers they get last a month tops before it’s right back at it again.

Endless cycle and a vicious one at that. I am human and do feel bad but need to save myself from that insane torture.
Pretty as she was It’s not worth it, not by a long shot.

Phantom1 wrote:The changes and eye openers they get last a month tops before it’s right back at it again.

Definitely, keep this in mind always. If you have any weak moments of thinking maybe this time, remind yourself of this. More likely it would be a few days, a week before back to the same old thing

Your sense of self will return, maybe slowly, but as it heals it will continue to become clearer why you don't need someone to tear it down. Life is hard enough as-is. When/if you are ready for a relationship after this, it should be one that builds you up. It should be a sanctuary away from the rest of the world, not the place you go to be tested.

For whatever it's worth though, you are in good company. Others who have been through it know exactly what you mean by you could have written a novel. There really is no explaining this to someone who hasn't been through it, and absolutely no explaining it to her. It's tough when the one person we thought we had a connection with, the person we'd have liked to share with, is not only blind, but cruel. I am guessing, but I guess if she did see this letter, her only reaction would be 'man up', 'boo hoo', just something else to tear your self-esteem down.

Please continue to take care of you first, and foremost. It really is her loss.

Thank you for the positive notes.
It hasn't been a simple task by a long shot. Having people that would constantly remind me to look at the negatives and realize the prize at the start is officially gone and never returning helped a lot.

main thing that helped me see past this quicker was the constant break ups a silent treatments.
last year: 5 break ups that lasted from 2 days-4 months.
calls back with the sympathy play. Fall sucker thinking maybe she's seen the light.
NOPE! 3 weeks later dumped again. Hoover attempt made a week later just to end the conversation abruptly and a tell off?


Far to messed up for me. Damaged me a lot but I gave up and seen it coming. I didn't let myself get to attached the last time cause I already had that gut feeling.

Its sad but definitely will be a lesson learnt and a eye opener. I never heard of these types before so it was a very rude awakening. Something Ill never forget.

Phantom1 wrote:Damaged me a lot but I gave up and seen it coming.

Kudos on choosing to give up. It's very hard to do, but sometimes it is what must be done. To let go of trying to change what cannot be changed.

It can be very hard to do especially if we get stuck trying to 'win' one more ego battle, or because we believe giving up equals failure. The other risk is that people like your ex may reappear months or years later, and as you start to feel better, thinking you are up for a retry, or thinking up some new thing to try and say or do, a magic wand, that may work 'this time'. Should you come to that point...

For your own sake, unless she has had an epiphany, and is getting some professional help, hopefully you can remind yourself, your real take charge moment was when you chose to give up on trying to have a relationship that is not ready for one.