Step-Grandfather with BPD

Hi everyone

So this has gone on for most of my life and for as long as they have been married, but my step-grandfather gets super mad super fast about almost anything we do. And he's a micromanager and a perfectionist too. It's gotten to the point where my grandmother is visibly depressed, and I know it contributes to 99% of my anxiety and my own depression. My mother has gotten increasingly bitter about it and is starting to want nothing to do with him, but I know my grandmother won't get a divorce because they can't afford it. My mom has MS and sometimes needs his help to get things done that I can't do alone, and she doesn't want to leave my grandmother with him any more otherwise she says she'd move us (her and me) as far away from him as possible. He also knows he's bipolar and refuses to have anything done about it. I think he gets high off of watching my grandmother and me be powerless in the face of his sudden rages. He can be a very sweet guy when he's not flying off the deep end. Over the past few years it's gotten increasingly worse, and my mother is convinced he's losing it and it's only a matter of time before he snaps.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't approach him about any of this because he'd just get mad...

Seems your grandfather acknowledges his bipolar disorder but refuses to do anything about it. There's no convincing him to seek therapy, if he doesn't want it.

So, what you, your mom, and your grandmother can do is, take care of yourselves first. Family therapy can be of immense help in learning how to deal with your grandfather's maladaptive behavior. Barring that, you and your relatives will have to begin with setting of boundaries. For example, your grandfather flies into a rage, the three of you, if together, should get up and leave the house, if possible, go to an understanding neighbor's house, a coffeeshop, or check into a motel, and let him blow steam by himself. Give yourselves that healing space away from him. Repeating this enough times whenever he blows will tell him a message that you don't tolerate his erratic behavior. That's just one example of setting a boundary.