HPD or BPD?

Just want to thank everyone for taking the time to read through this all. My apologies for the lengthy and all over the place post.

I met a woman online. Long story short we talked for a few months. At first I was not that interested, but noticed she liked constant communication. Texting basically all day, which turned into hours of facetime several times a week. She was also VERY active on snapchat the whole time. Constantly posting selfies, a bit over the top, etc.

She got seductive very quickly, talked about sex, sent nudes all the time, even videos. She expressed feelings for me within days of talking. In less than a month she referred me to her man, hopes and PRAYS i'm the one, never met anyone as amazing as I am, constant love bombing and made it very clear i was the only guy she was talking to (which who cares we haven't met yet). I started to think it's all too good to be true, but we talked SO much and the hours of video chatting, I started to think this would happen. She also tried to come across as a good christian girl FYI.

I know this is all rambling, but here are some things i've noticed: During facetiming, every time she had some sort of pain. My head hurts, ow my arm, emergency after hours to go to the OBGYN (bull) for some "female" emergency she wouldn't explain, but said everythings fine. Just noticed fake illnesses a lot. If I didn't respond fast enough sometimes she would call me multiple times in a row with text messages followed asking if i'm ok. She also changed the subject a TON. if you were talking about one thing she would jump to something else. She would forget a question you asked within seconds and say "what". I started to bring up that she seemed attention seeking, despite saying i'm the one she wants to be with, the only guy she's talking to, she'd always post seductive selfies on snapchat and instagram, (ALL THE TIME). I told her these were red flags and she said "i'm sorry i won't post them anymore, i wanna be and show you i'm yours etc.). But she would keep doing it so i basically ended things because i'm not into having to deal with that kind of behavior. She mentioned she did feel flattered over the compliments, but she'd never act on them or talk to other guys. Hmm what else. Her dad left as a kid, never met him, her mom/step dad are alcoholics. Mom's been married 3 times, siblings are from other men. She was very childlike. but somehow it was cute to me. She was always just so random and didn't make sense, especially when something upset me she could never explain in any detail why or how she felt that way. Whenever we argued she'd go "i'm sorry i'm not good enough you deserve so much better than me". Or other times i've stopped communication "i'm sorry i'm not the girl for you, please don't block me on anything, please not yet!".

Anyways - She lived a couple hours away. I told her I wanted to meet soon vs keep talking and getting feelings for her, which I do, somehow this woman got me to be crazy about her within 1.5 months and i've never even met her. So I booked a hotel for 2 days. Somehow I got the days wrong, and I booked it while we facetimed. I feel as if she somehow gaslighted me into screwing it up cause I was 100% positive I chose the right week. She lived with her parents. Worked as a teacher assistant, complained her mom never helped her, charged her rent (lived in a HUGE house), family business, they paid her so little she couldn't even save to move out, mom wasn't there for her much as a kid, mean to her, etc etc. So some sort of victim mentality, I think there's some truth but who knows.

Anyways the week I booked the hotel, came to find out she was talking to another guy and planning a date with him and they were flirting, days before I was going to see her. I brought it up, and she denied everything, started crying and told me not to come anymore. no explanation. next day she's back on tinder. Tried to talk about it but she said she's just not ready misses her ex, wants to get her life sorted out, etc. etc. Then she'd say days later I still have feelings for you and you're everything i'm looking for in a man, but i'm happy now and want to be on my own. Right...that makes total sense.

So i don't message her and a month later she messsages
"Hey. I wanted to apologize for how I acted to you. I think about it every day! I hope you don’t hate me to much. I’ve gone a little wild since then and I’ve stood the ###$ up to my mom. I think about what you said to me and I hear your voice in my head. I just wanted to say I’m so sorry. You deserve so much better!!!! I hope you are doing well.."
(hoover?)

So i responded the next day, we start talking again, she says she regretted cutting me off and still wants to meet. The idiot i am I keep communication going, but I set boundries. I ask for the truth and she said she was talking to other guys the whole time, but never the way she was with me, didn't send nudes etc., but when i asked about it again she meant well really it was just my lesbian friend, i sold her nudes, then she laughed about it. She would always change whatever it is she said, and when I would say "but you said this" she would say she didn't remember or immediately have some other answer to back it up. We had planned on meeting the last weekend of the month, the other weekends she was busy with other things, came to find out 2 of the times she wasn't actually doing what the plans were. If there ever was a fight and we worked it out if i were to say something like "i wish i could hug you right now" she would go "i wanna suck you lol". Just things that didn't make sense for the topic. Lot's of guy friends, married guy friends, basically 1 girlfriend from what it sounded like who she always hangs out with. Noticed she didn't like to drive, got into mini accidents a lot, would even post that on snapchat stories, her whole life had to be on there for her to live it seemed. When i asked her about getting back on tinder despite me being everything she wanted, she said it was just to find a party with her friend. I asked why her friend didn't download it and she said cause her bf would flip, yet they found a party that ended up just being two guys. she said they stayed, and they tried to rape them, she didn't do anything with the guy even though he started taking her clothes off she said, and tried to leave when she saw her friend naked as the other guy was about to do her. over the top $#%^, like why would you even put yourself in a situation like that. she seemed so clueless about everything, but it seems as long as guy is giving her attention even if she had someone she wanted, she'd accept it. Said she randomly started taking her clothes off at a party once. Just all this crazy stuff. Is this HPD?

I also noticed times when i was upset and said hurtful things it didn't even phase her. Nothing really phased her unless it was about her. She'd always switch the subject back to herself. She said this time she's for real and wants to meet, more than before even and wants to earn my trust blah blah. still kept the extremely seductive selfies up on snapchat, instagram, etc. Like of her ass in the mirror type $#%^. Honestly...women don't post that trash for their gf's. Anyways I know. I should have moved on. It's like this girl got into my mind and I'm addicted to her. Even something negative said still felt like a rush on some level. Absolutely beautiful, perfect body. She started getting distant i brought it up and she ended things again. I asked how her feelings could go away within a day after apparently being so strong and wanted me more than ever, and she said she didn't know, she just knows shes happy now. she could never explain her feelings. She said she's only been with 3 guys, the last one was 2 years, he was abusive, hit her, she didn't call the cops, stayed with him anyways, and they didn't sleep together for a year. Just seems like bull. Other random things - She's said she always get's what she wants, with a huge grin, she said she's a lot to handle (ex: she said she'd be in the mall and yell "hello" out loud" stuff like that. She had this look she could make, that sucks you in, but also this identical seductive face she'd make in all her selfies. like it was demonic or no life in her. She had no remorse. could never put herself in my shoes when i asked how she could lead me on for 3 months, get me to spend 300 on a hotel then cancel the day before i come. One of the biggest things was if she tried to be truthful and I tried to dig in and get detail she would get angry, started to threaten me or block me. just stupid childish things because she was hiding the truth. I don't know. There's so much more I know i'm forgetting, but any input would be great. I've read so many posts on this forum that seem to match up with what I've experienced. Oh and the night before I was supposed to meet her, she randomly got sick while we were on facetime, hung up saying she threw up, and that this weekend wasn't going to work. it was so dramatic the way she acted. i told her i'm sure she'll feel better later and wow, she actually did what a surprise. But when i confronted her about the other guy that's when things ended. Anyways I know this is all over the place. Thoughts much appreciated.

Hey axtri774,

We aren't qualified to diagnose here, we aren't professionals and even if we were, you'd not get a diagnosis online. The best you'll get then is guesses and opinions. From that point of view then...

What you wrote sounds like behavior that a professional might conclude is HPD (or BPD or NPD, or even a mix), but you also know that this has been an online relationship. That makes it more difficult to know what is real. Could mostly be an online persona, behaving in ways that she'd not face to face. That electronic wall between two people can lead some people to treat their online relationships like a video game, they play out a role. It still can be a role that reveals some deeper truth about who they are, or wish to be, but still just a role.

It does seem like you've done your homework, you know about love bombing, you know about attention seeking to an extreme, etc. You know a lot that tells you something wrong with her, or at least her persona, should that all continue in a face to face relationship.

You also know this is affecting you negatively now. You're developing real feelings, and really being hurt. Finally you likely know that if she does a personality that would be diagnosed as HPD, she is not likely to get better, at least not at this point in her life, and you know from reading here, you risk you becoming increasingly unwell too.

Sometimes the advice 'RUN' is good advice. People can get hurt even if it's just a game.

Hi,
I have not read all you post but most of it, and I don't think it is anything than trying to hook up for financial gains, or a scam, better explained, someone who talks to you online and starts then "you are the one for me" without meeting is a big big Red flag. As the other poster wrote, "Run" don't waste your time.
People who meet and spend enough time together still are finding a lot about themselves, so what do you thing of couple of messages, and also, as mentioned about the computer wall, you can never ever have any indication about the person you are chatting with.
Internet is a knife (sword) with two edges: you can use it to benefit or destroy yourself, it makes it easier to communicate with the other person and makes it easier for someone to lie to the other person.
So this is my point of view, I hope it helps.
Good luck.