New Manipulative Roommate. Narcissistic?

New to this forum. Looking for a little bit of validation, as I've begun to believe that my new roommate is a narcissist and I am looking for some advice on what my next steps should be or how exactly to deal with a person like this.

Long story short - I was dealing with financial difficulties and moved from one state to another after selling my house for a pretty good price, and then paying off all my debt. I was moving in with a long time best friend, who hadn't been able to live with her roommate who was a "roommate from hell" (later I realized it may not have been the roommate that was the issue, but her). Her mom owned a house in the state I was moving, and was going to rent it out to me and the friend. The following are things that she has said to me over the course of six weeks. Keep in mind I sent a check for the whole rent amount because the management company wants one check, and she agreed to give me her check for rent when I arrived. Below are some of the things she has said to me since we've been living together. Help!

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(one month in, and she still hasn't given me her half of the rent, when she didn't ask me to front her the money, and still hasn't thanked me for the involuntary loan) Look, I know you're stressed out about it, but so am I, okay? I will get the money back to you eventually.

(Second month in: me getting an upset look when she says she still doesn't have money for rent, and I ask her how we will pay rent). Are you kidding me, why are you looking at me like that? Like I'm a bad person? (Runs into her bedroom and slams the door).

You stand really weird, in an unapproachable manner.

You don't know where to put your hands or how to stand properly when you're talking to people.

I told my exes parents that you have social issues and don't really know how to talk to people.

You're going to take the upstairs, and I'm taking the larger master bedroom downstairs and that's where we are going to live.

My couch and tv will go in the living room and yours can go wherever.

We need to buy stuff for the house, but you're going to buy all of it because you have the money.

Don't worry, the stuff will all be yours! you'll be able to take it with you when you go! Isn't it nice having your own stuff?

My Mom, the landlord, doesn't really have money right now so you need to pay for a plumber to take a look at your shower.

My Mom, the landlord, doesn't really have money right now so we can't get the sprinklers repaired even though landscaping is the renter's responsibility.

You're a real ######6 peach, aren't you. A real peach.

(as I'm crying from being screamed at) Oh nice, you're breaking down right now. I want to break down too but I'm not! I'm not, am I!

I'm going to be in a dark mood today because the kids are arguing and I absorb all the bad energy, so sorry about that.

I can't handle going to the store because I could run into my ex there, it's just too dangerous for my emotional state.

I can't handle the kids when they argue, so I have to separate them and put them on electronics because I can't deal with it and it's better than dealing with them arguing because it's too much bad energy.

I need alone time and sometimes need to be in my room alone, just tell my kids to come get me if they keep coming to you.

(on waking up when your kids wake up) If they ask you for breakfast just send them in to me.

(on being exhausted every day) Well, I can't read in my room by myself during the day because you say I can't leave my kids for you to watch, so I do it at night. It's how I relax so I have to stay up until 3am reading so obviously I don't get sleep.

We need to take control away from you and put some of the utilities and bills in my name. You seem to get really stressed when I can't pay bills on time, so we can put some in my name so that you're not so controlling and we can pay the bills when I have money.

Bills don't hit your credit after a few days late, so I don't know why you freak out when they aren't paid on time.

(two months in and still hasn't paid rent) I pay my bills! I ALWAYS pay my bills. It is YOUR choice not to trust me with money. That's on you.

I am not like you. I don't have money, and I live paycheck to paycheck, and you need to understand when I can't pay things on time. You obviously don't because money is easy for you and you can just pay whatever you want.

(on not receiving student loan housing money after failing classes, and not receiving Post 911 money after not checking on the application status on time) Sorry, it isn't my fault. Life happens and I don't have the money right now. I'm not like you with all this money.

(on me saying that I sacrificed and lived off of pennies to get where I am) Every thing I have I had before, you know. (Owns designer clothes, thousands of dollars of furniture, designer shoes, designer face lotion)

(On her leased car, which is at $400 per month) They tried to show me a base model, but I was like hell no. I get the nice $#%^. I'm not getting in that base model car.

(on me saying I had to reach out to her mom about a bill when it was 4 days late and I said she was joking about the bill being due) What, so now I can't even have a sense of humor?

Whether she's narcissistic or not, that roommate reads like bad news. She's apparently passing off the buck to you, not to mention the rent and her kids, and doesn't even consider compromise. There are a lot of ppl who don't want the responsibility for anything and yet feel entitled to everything. There's no talking any common sense in her head.

Is it possible to find and move to another place ASAP?

Sounds like a garden variety mooch. Get yourself a new roommate.

hunt4help wrote:You stand really weird, in an unapproachable manner.

You don't know where to put your hands or how to stand properly when you're talking to people.

You aren't paying your share of the bills, and are trying to put me off guard by trying to fiddle with my self-esteem.

Seems like narcissistic, or at least manipulative behavior to me too

p.s. and +1 votes to the replies above me.

Hi,

+2

Impossible to deal with her. Just concentrate in leaving with not too much damage for you.

So if i understood :

- you sent a check for the whole amount of the rent to the landlord, who is the mother of your roommate. You did it because it's through a company (is it a company or is it the mother, or both?)

- the amount of the rent is global for you two and your roommate is supposed to pay the rent each month to you

She doesn't pay and doesn't respect you.

For how long did you pay?

It seems to me that you are trapped through having paid the money. Plus you can't make her leave, her being the daughter of the landlord.

I think it's time to go to a lawyer and talk about your rights.

I'm afraid you lost big amount of money here

So grateful to everyone for the replies. I was beginning to feel a bit crazy as every time I try to approach it in I'm attacked and told I have money and should understand that she doesn't.

I have the money to move but have already lost a lot, and don't want to lose anymore. But as everyone has mentioned it seems to be getting worse, not better.

@Philonoe,
I sent the check to the property management company as they wanted one check and she agreed to pay me her half when I arrived. I arrived, she didn't have the money, and didn't even ask me if I would loan it to her but knew I had the money. When I brought it up she flipped and asked how I expected her to pay it. Her mother lives in another state and hired contractors to manage the property. Yes, she is meant to pay me for bills because they are in my name.

We are on month 3. The 2nd month she expected me to cover her again and when I refused she flipped but then got her mom to loan her the money.

A lawyer is good advice. Thank you all. I was hoping there was some way to get around a narcissist but with all your validation and research it seems clear there's no reasoning with her.

Side note. She had a roommate before for 6 months and the lease was cut short because the roommate was "a roommate from hell." Perhaps I should chat with the old roommate? She lived with her parents before that.

Not sure if you can get anything back, but it's worth a try. You may have to cut your losses, but if so, it's worth it for your own well being.

hunt4help wrote:So grateful to everyone for the replies. I was beginning to feel a bit crazy as every time I try to approach it in I'm attacked

It is crazy making, intentionally. So you aren't crazy for seeing it for what it is

Your roommate appears to be someone who plays on the conscience of others (something you have, she doesn't). They also commonly try to tear other's self-esteem down, to put you on defense, or completely off guard, so you'll back off, and give them what they want. You have a conscience, good-heart, and considerate, so you question 'what have I done wrong?'. People like her use that in others who have it to get what they 'want', and what she wants is for you to pay her way while she gets to be entitled.

I suspect, even if she was paying her way, if it wasn't that, it would be something else, same games, to get what she wants.

It's going to be hard to stick to your guns but please do it, for you.

p.s. It really does suck when it's a best friend, but people of good conscience sometimes pick those who lack it as friends, and lovers. There are reasons why, but that's something you can figure out later. In the mean time trust your gut. You know she will just keep taking, at your expense.

Xdude,

All of what you have said is accurate, and very insightful. It won't be easy but I'll try my best for my own well being and sanity!