Has she lost her mental capacity? Urgent advice needed. Ta

Based on advice from a moderator I am summarizing (making it shorter) my issue to get an answer (I had two replies which were general and I need a bit more.):
What is needed: I want to know if there is any strong indication that my mom has lost her mental capacity and I can legally manage the financial and medical help for her. To remove her from decisions making process.
In summary:
My parents married young (Dad around 23yrs and mom around 17), they had 3 kids (male) and they did not get along from the start. Dad higher education technical college and mom high school. Dad entered in the military service and finished when he was around 45yrs reaching a high rank of Brigadier general, after retirement he worked in private sector for several companies until he finally retired. Mom always house wife.
Dad and mom never got along well, always shouted and had fights on all issues. Dad was controlling person and he was hard on us. Mom never had responsibility and always contradicted dad. She has her loyalty to her family (her side of the family). Mom always told us dad was a bad and selfish man and always spoke negatively about his side of the family. Mom side of the family always told us that dad was bad.
Dad passed away several years ago and I handle everything. My interaction with mom was more. We fought on things to be done, even she was stubborn on things which she was wrong.
Ever since I became aware, I noticed that mom used to talk to herself. This has become more and more. When people visit us and she goes to make coffee/tea, she talks to herself and people hear that. She is not making sound decisions and she has destroyed our life.
There are other issues: I appreciate reading my other post for more info: “Is she mentally not stable? Please assist. Thanks in advance”.
This is a very sensitive matter as If I raise that legally, it will raise hell for me and around me. So before I start the process, I need to see if there is strong indication.
My life is in shatters now and it has been destroyed from her bad decisions. I am not trying to take revenge or make her pay back. But I can see she is taking us downhill. Please provide assistance. Thank you in advance. I need to take care of my dad's inheritance otherwise, she will lose it.

@davidanswers,

If you have read the forum rules, you will have read that no one here can diagnose. None of us here are professionals and besides, online diagnosis is dodgy at best without any person-to-person contact. All anyone can provide are guesses.

Many ppl talk to themselves, even those who are of sound mind, so it's a fairly common phenomenon. Many psychologists would take this "talking to her hat" with a grain of salt.

You've described your mother is not making sound decisions. You're not specific about what those decisions have been, but I can only guess that you have reason to be concerned about your mother's mental capacity to understand the consequences of her actions. OTOH perfectly sane and rational ppl make terrible decisions about their financial affairs, going into debt that's way over their heads, signing for loans with onerous terms, giving loans to deadbeat relatives or friends, not paying bills on time, etc, and that's also common as well.

A defining element of mental incapacity is the inability of a person to manage her own affairs, whether it's being able to take care of herself, or understanding financial/ legal matters, or being taken advantage of and/or abused. My husband's family had to sue in court for an independent conservatorship of his grandmother after her two grown sons were taking her money and assets, illegally changing the terms of her will, including an attempt with forged signatures to sell the house she lived in. Our side of the family had to prove mental incapacity, as was required where she lived. For example, she was signing her name to blank withdrawal slips in the bank while one of her sons took the slip and wrote in huge withdrawal amounts afterwards. We would not have known the fraud going on, had an alert teller not noticed the large amount this one time and called my husband's aunt, who had an account in the same bank, about it. In the grandmother's case, it took both a doctor's diagnosis of mental incapacity and an evidential record of elder abuse in the court hearing. The court judge himself asked the old woman if she understood what she'd signed her name to and what power-of-attorney meant-- she said she didn't know.

Requirements of proving mental incapacity may vary among different countries, one requirement may be just a doctor's diagnosis of mental incapacity, another may be an evidential record of financial mismanagement, another requirement may a combo of several things, etc. That is why the advice of an estate or conservatorhip lawyer may be useful to you. At least this person can give you an understanding of what constitutes mental incapacity in your country and if there seems to be a strong case for it, he can also outline the first steps to take. So, my first advice still stands and this time I am being VERY specific: You want to be aboveboard and legal about a power-of-attorney of your mother's affairs, so get the legal advice first. If your father had a will upon his death, did your father name an executor of his will and estate? If your mother is executor of her husband's estate, this may add another wrinkle on top of proving mental incapacity, and you should ask questions about this matter's relevance to the process of gaining power-of-attorney to the lawyer as well.

If and when you gain power-of-attorney, expect the $#%^ to hit the fan when family members find out about it. It doesn't matter who initiates such a legal process, if there is disagreement, families often split apart. You'll have to find a way to live with it.

Hello, thanks for your reply realityhere,
I understand completely that no one can diagnose my mom here with little info as I put. I understand what will happen if I start this issue legally. Hell will break lose.
I am reading on the net that talking to oneself can be normal, but there are cases, for example, when I 'm working in an open area, I ask myself questions about what I'm doing , that way it helps me to concentrate on what I am doing to remove the distraction around me. But I don't answer the question, I don't open a dialog with myself. I think comes from when a student at school, I used to recite pomes and other matters to help me memorize.
My mom talks to herself as a dialog or there is someone imaginary next to her who answers her in her mind. See the difference?
The issue is that we are in a country where word spreads fast, If I can ensure that who I talk to can stay confidential, then I will go and seek them. I did go the a mental health expert and paid for it and I informed them of the situation and they said they can not diagnose (as I know) without meeting face to face, but explaining more to them, the consultant stated there is strong indication of a mental health problem.
I just like to be sure as this is a very sensitive issue and hell will break lose if i start and get it wrong.
In my mind and heart, I know there for 1000% there is something wrong. This is my feeling and I am willing to bet my life on it.
But you never know, as mentioned I read on the web that talking to oneself can be normal, but I could not understand when it is not normal or mentally healthy.
This is what I am trying for find out.
I written a long post and I received general answers which did not assist me, I summarized to see if I can something like your response.
So thank you for your comment.

Hey davidanswers,

Just my own thought -

I think it's reasonable, and a positive that the laws and medical validation tend toward allowing the elderly to remain autonomous. It is of course very hard to see someone close to you lose their capacity to make wise choices, but it's the other side of the coin in mental health. That side is to learn to let go of controlling outcome, let the chips fall where they do, and to focus on how this is affecting you.

For all of us who live long enough, we face the possibility of seeing our parents becoming unwell, including mentally. It's tough, but another option is to put that aside (or at least make it a secondary concern), and focus on how you are affected, and how to live with it.

Whatever you chose, best to you going forward.

hello xdude,

Thanks for your comment, as I understand from you is to let it go and live with it and learn how to live with it, this can not be done. I am not taking revenge or getting her to pay back. I can not stand and watch her taking the family down the drains, one of my brothers is trying to get his hands on the inheritance and I just can't let that happen, otherwise my other brother and myself will pay the price.
I wish I can write more but I can not, and as it is a very sensitive subject, i am treading very carefully as if anything comes up hell will break lose, and I need to control that by doing couple of things to protect myself.
I was going good in my life and from her influence, she screwed my life up and I am not able to get it back on track. So it is hard for me to live with it.
As I wrote before, I am positively sure, but that is my opinion and in life there is no certainty, I am trying to get some info or get an indication so I may not do anything that will result negatively on myself.
I just can not believe what has happened, it is unbelievable! I am in a state now where I don't have any incentive to work or do anything, I am willing staying watching videos, and i will not be following what is happening, I would be just staring at the screen, I worked for sometime and I tell you the truth, if I had someone worked for me who is the situation as I am, I would fire him at the spot, I am not able to concentrate at work and I do mistakes that an 8 year old does.
It is affecting me negatively and I can not just let it go.
I am a responsible and caring person and I did a lot for my mom which can prove what I am saying.
I know it will be a hard road ahead and I what to walk it alone!
Thanks for your comment.

"My mom talks to herself as a dialog or there is someone imaginary next to her who answers her in her mind. See the difference?"

I hate to say this, but that is very common, even among ppl, who are perfectly sane and rational and do a dialogue with an imaginary someone. It's a coping mechanism for some ppl.

I understand that you're a compassionate, responsible and caring person. But sometimes it's difficult to allow autonomy with a parent (I know, 18 yrs plus with an incapacitated FIL) versus what affects their/ and your financial stability. It's a delicate balance of whether you're willing to become the parent of your parent or not.

You don't walk this path alone.

Hi,
Thanks for your comment, it is not re-assuring, this is one point that I need to try and figure before I start anything up, she has done so many things that has destroyed our family, I would love to write them but I think it is better not to.

So how can I find out or can have indication that there is something wrong or she lost her capacity, with the knowledge I know or how she acts? so what is the difference between someone who is sane and someone who is not whom talk to themselves. I don't think this is normal. I can understand that children do that as it is to help them play with themselves, but they grow out of it.
So this what I am trying to find out: can you give me some behavior or things to look for to give me that indication? what are behavioral aspects that can tell if someone has lost their mental capacity?

I am so sure that she lost her mental capacity but there is 1% chance. I am not able to let it go. Also, I am not a professional to determine this.

She has destroyed the family and she is taking us down hill.

Thanks for your comment.

It's tough for sure, in part because the elderly often do not just lose their mental capacity in a clear way, rather it's a slow degradation in their ability to make good decisions.

Nothing wrong with you being a good son, that's commendable, just it isn't going to help her to get well if you become increasingly unwell. It can be non-intuitive, but sometimes the kindest thing we can do is to take care of ourselves first. Sure you know about the airplane story, if the plane is in trouble be sure to put your own mask on first. Even if we want to help, we cannot do it if we aren't okay.

Yes, please don't post any details that would put you in a bad position. Again, I don't mean this to be selfish, but you need to take care of you. That's really not selfish though.

Like realityhere wrote, you really are not alone, in that others have gone through the same. No shame in needing some help just for you to cope. I don't know if it's possible for you, but if it is, any chance you could speak with a therapist just for you?

Hello,
thanks again for your comment and time for replying, I appreciate it.

I am ok as I know pinpointed what was wrong in my life. I figured things out and I worked on it for the past two years. I have gathered enough evidence to support my claims to a court if needed.
Talking to someone for me will not help, I need to do this to get my rights back, it is a long story and I prefer not to write it here (as you recommended too).
I can not just sit down with the knowledge I have now and let it go or let it take its course, it is going downhill steeply.
I am not able to work or concentrate at anything, as I know what I know now.
Even if I talk to therapist it will sure not help, how can it help? when I know my rights were taken from me and my life ruined because my mom lost her mental capacity or she did not have it at all.
I am sure it will not help me that way. The only way is to take control of my dad's matters and she has to face what she has done, that is the right thing going forward.
I know where you are coming from, you are assuming in general way and what I mean by that is that a mother will do what ever to protect her children, my mom is not like that.
If she has not lost her mental capacity then she is a bitch and then revenge will be on the table !
but I am sure she lost her capacity and I think it was from long time ago, not just recent.
This is why I like to know the signs or methods that help me to determine this without going to anyone. Where I am people talk, confidentiality is on paper only, they may say this but behind your back they may talk and I will never ever know that, as people will be quite and work behind the walls without my knowing, so this is why I am very careful, I know what I am facing but I don't know the extent of it.
So I hope someone can write couple of things that I can tell from my knowledge if my mom lost her capacity or not, what about lying, she lies to us on everything, she does not understand that family comes first, she prefers people over us. I know it is hard to believe, but it is true.
If every mother and father were sound, then there will be no need for police, armies, jails or evening judges! the judge will be called consultant or something like that, and there will be more schools, this is in theory but it is true.
Again, thanks for your time, it is helping me.

I like to clarify for my above comment about taking revenge, I will not do anything against the law.
My brother (whose is troublesome) had prepared fraudulent documents by stealing someone's identity, and my mother has lied to the authorities to gain person financial advantage. These are the things that they have done and I will report them.
But revenge is not my aim. I am a strong feeling that my mom has lost her mental capacity. This is the only way to ensure that I protect the rights from my other brother and myself. She has caused us a lot of grief and destroyed our lives by her mental state by going against my father and taking bad decisions, I am sure any normal person will not do that, the proof, is that I have not done anything like that and I was always against certain aspects but none listened. I am not an adult and a professional and certified in my profession in 3 countries (one is the USA and other western country which has its weight as you can say). My father reached a high rank in the military forces (read above), I am sure the military unit will not promote someone who is not mentally stable or has faults. My mom just graduated from high school and got barely passed. Now don't think that I am saying anyone without education is dump or stupid, on the contrary, school of life is the best school, there are many successful people in the world who did not finish high school!
I really hope someone can write to me what I can look for from a behavior aspects or things that I can work out for myself if my assumption is correct that she has lost her mental capacity.
Other point, as I asked before, when is talking to one's self is considered not normal? what is the distinction?
thanks for your comments.