Am I the odd one for hating an HPD?

Lots of repeat posts on here from people saying they still love or care about their HPD. Why?

Mine had no empathy. She would be sweet when she thought I was leaving, but other than that she was verbally abusive towards me, treated me with contempt, talked badly of anyone when they werent sitting right beside her. When I first met her I thought she was really showy, the only reason my opinion of her changed was because she came on so strong. She was lots of fun too. I kept that ideal in my head but it was never like that past the beginning. Anytime I'd help or show her affection she'd blow me off. Her interests we related on in the beginning all changed once she 'had' me. She had no identity, so I cant really say I loved her- I didnt know her! I remember she was telling me about her suicidal sister and I asked her if shed miss her if she died. She said "I dont think Id really miss anyone if they died. I can easily find someone else to keep me company". Her sister loves her to bits, and when shes around her youd think it was reciprocated. She's over the top showy "Youre my best friend", "I love you SO MUCH!!" etc etc. Words mean nothing to her except in the moment.

Once I read about everything here; the manipulation, the similarity of stories, the cheating- I cant like her. No empathy towards our 2 children whatsoever unless its giving her attention. Anything kind she does stops the minute people arent looking anymore. What do you see in your HPD?

serendipitytee wrote:Lots of repeat posts on here from people saying they still love or care about their HPD. Why?

Same for relationships with NPD, and other cluster B disorders... the early idealization you wrote about is key. The more invested someone is in that was 'real' (or 'the real them'), the harder it is to shift perception later.

We people see what we want to see. Half of what happened is the half we played in the relationship with someone who is disordered, because we saw what we wanted to see.

Changing our perception is possible, but it means -

1.) Facing some hard truths, that the idealization that felt so good was not true (that most of that was in our own minds), and facing that also comes with some hard ego blows.

2.) Letting go of beliefs of what an 'ideal' partner looks like. Not necessarily physical looks (though that can be a big factor), but also how we think an 'ideal' person behaves, what they believe in, and the personality traits we have put up on a pedestal. These beliefs tend to revolve around extremes, either extreme 'confidence', or extreme 'dependency'. There are reasons some of us got involved with an extreme personality, and that says something about us, what appealed to us. The old saying 'It takes two to tango' applies.

Also people probably have to go through the whole grieving process before they can reach, and fully embrace the acceptance stage, and that process can take a long time. Just what it is to be human.

Hi, I'm BPD and one thing I know is that HPD women and men like some other PD's are just hurt people. Being a mom I see how PD's could form via neglect or abuse - with HPD it's out in the open. I really feel for HPD's when I meet them. Everyone is human and they are often are bright, fun and a whirlwind and wear their stuff on their sleeves. That said I can smell use and abuse before someone even speaks so I always steal clear and admire them from far. Good luck!

-- Wed Feb 28, 2018 4:33 am --

Hi, I'm BPD and one thing I know is that HPD women and men like some other PD's are just hurt people. Being a mom I see how PD's could form via neglect or abuse - with HPD it's out in the open. I really feel for HPD's when I meet them. Everyone is human and they are often are bright, fun and a whirlwind and wear their stuff on their sleeves. That said I can smell use and abuse before someone even speaks so I always steal clear and admire them from far. Good luck!

Hey Mumatthebeach,

Mumatthebeach wrote:Hi, I'm BPD and one thing I know is that HPD women and men like some other PD's are just hurt people.

I think the difficulty is in trying to see things from only one point of view.

For someone who is on the sidelines, like a mental health professional, or a friend, etc., it is fine to see PDs from a clinical perspective. True enough they are hurt people.

Problem is, for those who are not on the sidelines, who are in a relationship with someone who has a PD in the now, and who are being hurt by the relationship in the now, it is also understandable that they've done enough objective analysis, and need to make a choice, do I allow myself to continue to be hurt?

To put that into more focus -

Last stats I read had some 25% of the prison population in the USA diagnosed as AsPD. That is fine, it's a clinical, objective view. Still that changes nothing for the direct victims who are hurt (really hurt). I get that this sub-forum can be triggering for those with certain PDs, but this sub-forum is here for those who are in the line of fire, to get the support they need for them, from their point of view.

By the way I am not suggesting multiple belief systems to make sense of what is. All I am trying to communicate is that for someone who is feeling abused at the hands of someone with a PD, that they do have the right to feel hurt, to take care of themselves (even if that means going through a period of anger with their PD partner).