I'm breaking up today with hpd

Hi xdude,

Happy holidays to you and your beloved ones.

Do you still feel better about yourself when you are around her, or drained?

Not at all. I feel drained, exhausted and guilty. But somehow I'm less anxious when I'm around her.

Does the future look bright, or omg, what next?

I don't even have the motivation to think about the future.

What do you fear now, that you didn't fear before you met her?

I'm afraid of the future.

-- Tue Dec 26, 2017 7:59 am --

JoseMaria wrote:Ufff really don´t is easy.
Both are very similar , my think is that histrionic is just a subset of borderline personality.
But in your case, she seems more borderline because she is more commitment, more jealous , less possibly cheat, fake pregnacy etc.
Both disorder are similar but she is more over you like a borderline that the typical histrionic that is more dettach and arrogant IMHO.

Oh I see, Thanks

In brief, the borderline is more needy , clingy and introvert.

JoseMaria wrote:In brief, the borderline is more needy , clingy and introvert.

Yes, I learned that the fear of abandonment is a borderline characteristic as well.

We aren't qualified to diagnose anyone, so all you'll get is guesses, but from a certain point of view the diagnosis doesn't matter. What matters is you are negatively affected. If it helps any, it's not just you. You can see this sub forum is filled with stories from people who feel the same trying to maintain a relationship with someone that may/does have a personality disorder.

While it can be initially flattering to have someone 'need' us so much, living in a state of near constant 'on edge', always needing to be ready for the next partner melt down, or even veiled threats of 'if you aren't there when I want something from you, something bad is going to happen...', well, besides that this is no way to live, you can easily end up neglecting yourself.

The self neglect adds up, and can lead to depression and anxiety. If you do go back, someway, somehow, you need to give yourself breaks at least. Again, hard to do when you are living with imagined, or very real, threats that the partner with a PD will do something impulsive, harmful to self or both of you. Even if the threat is just "I am going to get angry with you", especially if you are the type that feels compelled to take responsibility and soothe an angry partner, you can end up nearly 100 percent focused on your partner (just not healthy, anyone will eventually wear out).

To be honest, from what you described, she is being manipulative. That doesn't mean she is consciously aware, but it does appear she has developed a set of deep seated habits that are working to control you. This can be very confusing, especially when we want to see the best in a partner. Normally trying to see the best in others would be a positive, but when such extremes are at play, what should be a positive ends up twisted, and abusive (even if that is not her conscious intent, you are being psychologically harmed).

If you can, hopefully you can practice turning your mind from what is going on with her, to your feelings and thoughts. Again hard to do for those who mean well, but have their empathy for their partner abused, and hard to do if you've already adopted the practice of putting her first mentally out of fear.

Perhaps the airplane oxygen mask analogy can help as a personal mantra? There is a reason they tell you to put on your own mask first in the event of oxygen loss. We are no good to others anyway if we aren't well enough ourselves to function.

First, I'd like to tell you that you mustn't take no blame It's no one's fault. Not hers, not yours. Relationships have to end when they become toxic. The relationship is probably bad for her too. Secondly, calling her "HPD" feels kind of dehumanizing, doesn't it? After all, she's more than an illness. Me, as a person who suffers from BPD, usually hates these kind of threads when a person (normally a guy) wants to break up with their girlfriend and uses the illness as an excuse. Like, yes, it's complicated to date someone with an actual illness (it's complicated to date anyone), but I liked your approach in here. You didn't blame her illness and, although you wrote a negative picture of her in order to calm your conscience, you weren't particularly offensive, which it's great.

In conclusion, take some time to rest and, even though nothing it's your fault, you must take responsibility, just as your girlfriend has to. There's no victim or executioner in these kind of relationships.

Hey loonsong,

Hopefully he will feel better. As you are a new poster suffering from BPD, I want to warn, what you read in this sub-forum is probably going to trigger you, so be forewarned.

Way back when this sub-forum was created, the original creator wrote it so well here -

family-support/topic120765.html#p1285735

"This thread, as I said before, is intended to help the friends and relatives of those with a disorder to keep THEMSELVES emotionally healthy and safe, because they are constantly in a position of giving help and support, often at the expense of themselves."

As you wrote, there really is no one person's fault, but ... this sub-forum is first and foremost meant to support the friends, relatives, and romantic partners of those with a disorder, just as written above, because they often already have been above and beyond (near constantly) supportive, and need some support for themselves.

I suspect the OP is a good guy, and has supported her. I also suspect that if they do break up, once he is gone through the grieving process, he will reach a point of compassion at a distance for her disorder. Most here eventually do. But the thing is, the significant others here really do hurt too. Many describe their experience as the most painful of their lives, and that's because it really is.

So from the point of view of this sub-forum, we try to avoid censorship, judgement, if someone needs to be angry, critical, question, yep, even temporarily hate their PD partner, it's fine. Emotions pass, but avoiding them can leave someone feeling permanently unwell.

Anyway, you and others with BPD are welcome to read here, but yep, the scales here are tripped toward what the significant others need. Similarly, we discourage the SOs from posting in the BPD, HPD, NPD, etc. forums if they are triggered.

Best,

xdude

loonsong wrote:After all, she's more than an illness. Me, as a person who suffers from BPD, usually hates these kind of threads when a person (normally a guy) wants to break up with their girlfriend and uses the illness as an excuse. Like, yes, it's complicated to date someone with an actual illness (it's complicated to date anyone), but I liked your approach in here. You didn't blame her illness and, although you wrote a negative picture of her in order to calm your conscience, you weren't particularly offensive, which it's great.

Hi Loonsong, I'm not trying to use the illness as an excuse. I was in a mental state where I wasn't in love and I wasn't happy for 18 months but at the same time I didn't know what was the reason that I couldn't help being with her. Until lately, after asking some people and reading about similar experiences, when I realized that there's something called HPD, BPD so I posted my original tread hoping someone will help me by at least listening to my suffering.

If it were me (and it actually was me, only with my male BPD/HPD fiancee) in an extremely gentle and nonjudgmental way, suggest therapy (or couples therapy).

If there is a HUGE freak out; crying, screaming, denial, blame...there's your answer. The relationship ends. You can walk away clean, knowing you tried.

If she goes along with therapy, and sticks with it, you can re-evaluate the situation and be in a better position to make a decision. Again, you know YOU tried but then, you'll also know SHE is trying too. Makes a big difference.

Just remember, you accept what you allow...

Monstergirl wrote:If it were me (and it actually was me, only with my male BPD/HPD fiancee) in an extremely gentle and nonjudgmental way, suggest therapy (or couples therapy).

If there is a HUGE freak out; crying, screaming, denial, blame...there's your answer. The relationship ends. You can walk away clean, knowing you tried.

If she goes along with therapy, and sticks with it, you can re-evaluate the situation and be in a better position to make a decision. Again, you know YOU tried but then, you'll also know SHE is trying too. Makes a big difference.

Just remember, you accept what you allow...

Hi Monstergirl,

I already suggested that idea... and as you predicted there was blame, screaming and denial. Then she tried to convince me that everything is ok, with examples, I don't recall any of them. I've been away for a while and here comes another issue which is more painful.
I can't stop caring and thinking about her. Even though I know that this relationship was the reason for my loneliness, hopelessness and suffer.

Anyway thank you for your message ... I'm glad that there are people like you in this forum who are very helpful.. Thank you very much

I'm sorry to hear you are suffering. Xdude's airplane oxygen mask analogy was spot on, too.

She will worship and adore and need you like no other. That's easy to get used to, for anyone, but it comes with a HEAVY price.

If she is not willing or even able to seek therapy on her own, you then must decide if you can live this way for the REST of your life.

It has to be her who decides to heal and seek treatment. And even at that, the relationship can still end.

Decide what YOU want out of a relationship- for your own life.

Clear your head. Take some time, and then come back to this very forum and read the words YOU wrote. Read them slowly; deliberately. Read them as if they were not your own, but a dear friends. Then form a response as if you were helping this "friend" instead of yourself.

Change your perspective on the situation.

If I wrote what you wrote, and felt how you felt, what advice would you give me, a total stranger?

Honestly.

That's your answer. I wish you the very best. And thank you for posting.