I'm breaking up today with hpd

Today I decided that I need to breakup with my girlfriend with whom I am in a 18 months relationship. This is my sixth attempt to breakup with her. First attempt was in week 3 when I noticed that she is trying to isolate me from my friends and family. I invited her out and told her that I wan't to breakup. She started an endless speech about love, commitment and importance of the family. Then she started to cry. I couldn't bare the feeling of guilt so I decided to give this relationship another shot.
And here I am. The above mentioned pattern repeated 5 times. Now I feel like a slave to her demands.
In the last attempt I was really rude with her. She disappeared for 2 weeks then started to contact again and before I know I was drowned in the relationship again.
Note: since week 3 I never spoke any good words nor promised anything. I have a feeling that she is deceiving herself. I'm really suffering here. Thinking about breaking up is the first thing I do when I wake up every single day. But I feel like I'm too weak to take a real step. I feel like trapped, controlled by higher power, guilty, caring, hating myself, hating her ...etc

Until last week I didn't know that something called HPD exists. I was reading articles about narcissism in which my girlfriend didn't fit. Today I tried to go no contact first (without informing her).

I moved without telling her and I don't even know what to do next.

Now before judging me please consider the following points:

• Unlike what I'm reading in this forum she is 100% loyal but...
• At the begining of the relationship she used to flirt with people we meet then she stopped doing that (part of it is that after week 3 (mentioned above) we stopped going out to social events).
• She celebrates her love towards me almost every minute. Imagine, If I want to go from the living room to the kitchen I have to affirm her beauty and glorify our love just to be allowed to go alone. I don't have any room to breath, and this is happening all the time. I can provide hundreds of examples like this like: taking sh*t is no longer a private activity.
• Conversations like the following are killing me:
  her: Am I pretty?
  me: yes
  her: very pretty?
  me: yes, you are very pretty. The most beautiful woman on earth.
  her: The most most most beautiful woman?
  me: yes
  her: why did you say yes in that tone?
  me: yes babe you are the most beautiful woman on earth.
  her: Ohhh babe thanks I am happy now ... then comes the happiness drama.
• She is jealous of my boss, my parents, my male friends, my hobbies, my stupid tv show's characters ...etc when I say jealous I mean it literally and in a very toxic way.
• I often find myself interrupting business meetings to answer her phone calls just to avoid conflicts with her. Things like "I'm in a meeting with my superior or my client" is not accepted at all. Then whats the content of her call? "Babe, I was working and I suddenly felt horny I want you so bad".
• We had weeks when we spent everything on her makeup and clothes that we needed to borrow money for food.
• She faked pregnancy twice.
• We by miracle survived many car accidents because suddenly on a dangerous mountain way she decides to kiss me, or pull my hand to her breasts...etc.
• I hardly remember any time we were in the elevator together without her doing something sexual.
• Simple everyday things like goodbye kiss at the morning is always a never ending drama. It doesn't end until the we are embarrassed in front of the whole neighborhood (in case there's nobody around its ok to just say goodbye and leave).
• I feel like I'm not myself anymore... and I'm about to loose my job like I lost my hobbies my personal projects my friends and contacts.

I know that I sound like I wanna blame her for everything. But I really need time to work on my vulnerabilities to avoid such things in the future. My life was never an easy one I always fought and won or lost with dignity, but this experience is the single most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life.

I hope someone in this forum will give me some advise.

Hey ralph001,

It's almost sadly ironic that the initial draw of these relationships ends up being what makes them unlivable indefinitely. It's quite the ego boost to be with someone so attentive, and for us fixer/saver types, a draw that someone seeks our reassurance and 'needs' us, but...

It's also a drain to have to near constantly be drawn into what is going on in someone else' head. The drama keeps us involved for a while, but two things add-up -

1.) Eventually the realization, nothing is being fixed/saved, a set of relationship and self destructive habits are being reinforced.
2.) Self-neglect takes a toll.

What I mean by self-neglect is that everyone has their own life, thoughts, emotions, and everyone needs time to process those feelings. Neglect doing so for too long and anxiety and depression will occur. For someone with HPD, using another as a sounding board, and emotional support is their way of processing, but the problem is, we cannot both focus on someone else, and our own self too. Eventually the partner needs time take care of self, and odds are they are such a good listener because their nature is to process their own emotions internally, quietly, and introspectively.

Shorter version - Yes, you do need to take care of you too.

Thanks xdude,

I certainly eveloped bad habits like: drinking alone whenever I find time even if its 8:00am (I'm not addicted yet but this seems like an easy escape).
I hope I can survive this time and will stay away forever. I don't want to repeat the breakup-return pattern again.

Thank you very much xdude.

ralph001 wrote:Thanks xdude,

I certainly eveloped bad habits like: drinking alone whenever I find time even if its 8:00am (I'm not addicted yet but this seems like an easy escape).
I hope I can survive this time and will stay away forever. I don't want to repeat the breakup-return pattern again.

Thank you very much xdude.

Can relate. My HPD ex so drained me I'd wake up and started drinking to drown the pain, or deal with another few hours of her drama.

Whatever you do, I hope you know you need to take time out for you.

ralph001 wrote:Today I decided that I need to breakup with my girlfriend with whom I am in a 18 months relationship. (...)

Really good luck to this one. Have you managed to do it?

Hope you prepared for possible bad reactions of hers.

I can understand it feels good to have someone who's so into you but on the whole it's not leading to any good place because she wants to control everything not accepting your say in things, so yeah, breaking up is the only option.

But precisely because of that it's hard to break up too, yeah, so maybe do it with some support from other people and doing tricks like the one you already did with not telling her where you moved.

Hope you prepared for possible bad reactions of hers.

I was in my friends house ... she found me ... we met and I had to listen to 60 minutes of brainwashing speech. Then she left. And I admit it, I was touched emotionally and was about to surrender.

I'm pretty sure its not over yet. Let's see.

At the last is the same.
But she seems more borderline that histrionic.

JoseMaria wrote:At the last is the same.
But she seems more borderline that histrionic.

I really don't know the difference between borderline and histrionic. Can you tell why you think she is borderline?

Ufff really don´t is easy.
Both are very similar , my think is that histrionic is just a subset of borderline personality.
But in your case, she seems more borderline because she is more commitment, more jealous , less possibly cheat, fake pregnacy etc.
Both disorder are similar but she is more over you like a borderline that the typical histrionic that is more dettach and arrogant IMHO.

Hey ralph001,

ralph001 wrote:
I was in my friends house ... she found me ... we met and I had to listen to 60 minutes of brainwashing speech. Then she left. And I admit it, I was touched emotionally and was about to surrender.

I'm pretty sure its not over yet. Let's see.

First, hope you are enjoying the holidays despite all. Yes, it's not necessarily over yet. Those speeches do work. That written...

ralph you are likely a good guy, good heart, responsible, thoughtful, and more. Sex can seriously fog our minds. If you take sex out of the picture, what is the draw? Going through life being a wrecking ball of emotional drain on others is not cool, and if you can, ask yourself, besides her obsessive focus on making herself sexually attractive, what do you two have in common? I am male so completely get the allure, but some self questions to ponder -

Do you still feel better about yourself when you are around her, or drained?

Does the future look bright, or omg, what next?

What do you fear now, that you didn't fear before you met her?