Borderline Father Cut Daughter Out of His Life

My dad has untreated BPD that unfortunately I have been on the receiving end of for most of my life.

Through my life as the only child of my father, I have had to deal with being screamed at and called names on a regular basis. One time, he even wrapped his hands around my throat to choke me. In other examples, he has threatened suicide to me, he once told me that I was an accident and that my mom wanted to abort me, he once threatened to flush my favourite stuffed animal down the toilet when I was 8 years old, et cetera - lots of abusive behaviours that no child should go through. All that said, I have loved him my entire life. I have stuck completely by his side and I have bent over backwards for him. Never once did he apologize for these things he has done, and I always forgave him immediately, because on some level, I understood he had a disorder (and only learned later in life what that disorder is). I tried so hard growing up to make him proud of me and to love me. All of this was in vain, as after 22 years of an incredibly rocky relationship, he cut me out of his life just over one year ago - just shy of my 23rd birthday (I am 24 now).

It all started when we had a tiny fight: we were watching a Youtube video, he started talking, and I shushed him by accident. I apologized, but it didn't matter. He got angry at me, as per usual, and I stood up for myself for the first time. When he started screaming at me, I just couldn't take it anymore. I finally yelled back for the first time in my life. I screamed. I cried. The whole thing lasted about two minutes before I ran out of his apartment.

And then I immediately realized what I had done. I knew that standing up to him was a huge mistake, given his anger issues. I texted him a million times to apologize. I asked to see him in person on another day to apologize. It didn't matter. He didn't answer the phone or reply to my texts. I was already dead to him.

A few weeks later, I tried calling him again to apologize, but this time was different - the line kept going dead. I was so upset about it that I had my cousin ask my aunt what had happened - it turns out, he changed his phone number specifically so I couldn't contact him anymore.

I was my dad's best friend (or, I thought I was). I saw him every week for lunch. We talked all the time on the phone or via text message. When he wasn't angry, we were close - we joked around, watched movies, and just had fun together. And now... I can't even hear his voice.

Since that point, I've tried contacting him. I've sent him 10 emails (no idea if he reads them), and two hand-written letters. All of these have begged for his forgiveness. Radio silence in response.

It has been one year, and I am still so, so upset. I am seeing a therapist to finally unravel the abuse and what it has done to my life -- I am EXTREMELY passive, a people-pleaser, anxious, etc and finally beginning to understand where it likely came from. I am trying to pick up the shattered pieces of my heart. I understand that he is an abuser. I understand that he is not a good dad and not someone I need in my life. But at the same time, he is my dad and for some reason I still love him unconditionally. I regret everything I did, though my therapist tells me that I should be proud of myself for standing up for myself, and that my anger was normal and justified. I just know if I hadn't stood up for myself, he would still be in my life today. Isn't that messed up?

My biggest fear is that my dad will pass away (he has a lot of health issues) before he forgives me and I will never see him again. I imagine myself as an 80 year old woman on my death bed looking over my life and thinking "I never was able to say goodbye to my dad". It is a horrific thought that brings tears to my eyes and makes me feel completely desperate to talk to him again.

You may be wondering why I am sharing all this. After all, it has been a year. Well, the point of me sharing my story is that I have been trying to find comfort from books like "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and others, but I cannot even use the tips in those books because I don't even have a way of talking to my dad to try those tips out (e.g., setting boundaries). I feel completely lost on what to do. He has cut out family members before, but I never in a million years thought it would be me he would do this to, because I am his only kid.

So, has anyone else been cut out by a BPD family member or friend? What was that like? Were you able to "win them back"?

That sounds really hard to deal with.

I had an abusive dad too but according to therapist its NPD. Like you I tried to forgive also but you sound much more generous than I ever was.

Sorry I dont have more words of comfort or advice.

I hope you find the help you are looking for here.

Hey mytuesdayafternoon,

Just some thoughts for you to ponder -

If he has BPD then odds are he has disappeared because of his disappointment in himself, deep shame, that he has not lived up to the ideal he held himself in his mind. Oh yes, no doubt he was angry at that specific situation, it triggered something, but with BPD everything is not necessarily as it appears. People with BPD spend most of their time beating themselves up, a habit that goes back so far they are often not even aware.

You tried to extend to an olive branch, but his not taking it could also just be he feels he can't face you anymore. It would be a reminder of a deeper sense of failure. I don't know what you wrote, but a suggestion of what to write/text/say if you can?

Dad,

I miss you. I know you are hurting, but I love you no matter what. I miss talking with you. I know you need time alone too, and so please take whatever time you need. Please take care of you.

Love,
(your name).

--

For someone with BPD, the one kind thing you can do is let them know you love them, no demands, no I want to fix the past, no list of wants or needs they cannot live up to (because it triggers their deepest pain point, I am loved for what I do for others, not for me). Just simple, I miss/love you and will be here when you are ready.

^excuse me but this upsets me because he is the one who is hurting her. why should she feel bad and apologize and love him nomatter what. i agree with the therapist.
he should send that letter to her instead. he hurt her,he is the adult and father and are we going to expect her to apologize for been abandoned. he is a coward and the one who should apologize

Hey julllia,

julllia wrote:^excuse me but this upsets me because he is the one who is hurting her. why should she feel bad and apologize and love him nomatter what. i agree with the therapist.
he should send that letter to her instead. he hurt her,he is the adult and father and are we going to expect her to apologize for been abandoned. he is a coward and the one who should apologize

Yes it can be upsetting, but ...

Because he is a human, and that is part of growing out of childhood into adulthood. The torch of responsibility gets passed on. What I mean by that is as children our parents carry the load. As we grow it increasingly becomes up to us to carry the adult load (or not if we refuse). It's the life journey. I spend more time listening to my father now than I did as a child, but he is at that point where he needs my support, and it makes me happy to be part of his life, and for him to be part of mine.

Also because men are not machines, though the belief persists 'I love you for what you do for me', men feel no less (some say more).

And because is this stand-off working? If it's not, repeating the same, won't bring them closer. If she wants to wait it out for him to change, that's one possible choice, but there are others, including those 90 degree steps that actually do work because they break the pattern.

it seems to me that the pattern doesn't change. he will keep hurting her and she will apologize for it.

personally the way i see it ,to spend a life being hurt and then to take care of them also when they grew up.like they made you only to serve them. i guess i am not codependent enough.i am cruel enough to not feel guilty when putting boundaries

-- Sun Dec 10, 2017 5:24 pm --

that counts when you actually had responsible parents as a child that take care of you,then when they are old you return the favor out of love.but not when they expect you to take care of them always since you were born you served them.

julllia,

If this was a female mother, would your perception of what she should do change? Would you have feel offended, or would you say, of course reach out to your mother?

Males are not machines designed to just do whatever others want of them. Why is it offensive that a male could need a reach out too?

i would say the same .because it seems to me that she stood up for herself and put a boundary and he punished her by not speaking to her and by hurting her. and he acts egotistically and she is in pain. what father doesn't answer his child'ss call?seriously
my mother keeps doing the silent treatment but when i call her for something important she would stop immediatly and talk to me. although she acts like a child for small reasons and we stop talking.when is something important she never leaves me.
the problem with pds is that if you put boundaries or are not pleasing with them,they punish you in the most cruel ways for it.

i don't understand why you say this for the males. can you explain more ?? i thought she was reaching out to him many times and he abandoned her because she didn't do what he wanted and in a cruel way.
she is reaching out and he is not answering.
and she feels even guilty about it and sad. and the worse thing is that this is not a couple.this is her father. he needs to be accountable ,not her.
the psychological damage of her feeling guilt over this and pain.when is his fault

Hi julllia,

For whatever it's worth, I tried for many years to have a relationship with my BPD mom. Totally can relate to the threats of suicide the OP wrote about, and the abuse. Making efforts, and only to have them fail, until eventually I chose NC. I still drink myself into a coma sometimes thinking about it.

Yes, some people with BPD stomp all over others. It really sucks. On the flip side, nothing will snap them out of having BPD. No amount of standing our ground will turn them into normal.

If we want a relationship with a Borderline parent, there is no option but to reach out. They don't get better, but there is some room for coming to understand they are unwell. Yes it sucks! The OP still may end up giving up trying.

julllia wrote:i don't understand why you say this for the males. can you explain more ??

If this was mom, would the reaction and efforts to mend this break be different?

i think i was just afraid to confront my dad. i wonder if i made him have narcissistic injury if he would abandon me.but i mostly remember avoiding it.

this is the difference with someone having more empathy when i look at my mom i know what it means. nomatter how childish she acts, she won't really stop talking to me nor stop being there for me in the big picture.
how cruel it is to chose your ego over your child.
to afraid to be yourself in your family because you are going to trigger them to abandon you or hurt you.you are unable to just be yourself.
and to feel unloved and guilty for their actions. whenever you try to put boundaries they will make you feel like a monster and shift the blame into you.when they should protect you instead.i think i became cruel and didn't feel bad about it at some point .the opposite of the op

sorry if i get personal but the op reminds me,
my parents used to say when i was angry at them for hurting me and wanted to shift the blame probably "i don't undestand why you don't love us (nomatter how much we hurt you)" we are too nice to you, this is our fault ,other childen get beaten and abused and adore their parents ,we should have been like them"