Restoring Relationship with Narcissist

I have been estranged from my adult son who I believe has narcissistic traits for over a year. Would like to restore relationship for the sake of grandchildren. He ignores any contacts from me such as texting, emails, phone calls, letters. Any suggestions?

Hello...

I think for anyone to give you a meaningful perspective, you'll need to provide more information. Did he initiate the estrangement? If so, do you understand his reasons? What kind of relationship do you have with his wife?

Hey sadlee,

Yes, that is not enough information for others to respond.

Agree with Kimera above. Can you write out some more detail including -

When/what do you think started this?

What do you believe his reasons are?

No names, ages, etc., just the big picture of what you think happened, and is happening now.

My son had "committed" to speaking at a relatives funeral and at the last minute said he wasn't going to come. So family had to make others arrangements. I asked him why he always committed to things he could never do. He has a history of borrowing money from me, his dad, his sister and never paying it back. Starts a job and stays with it for maybe a year and then moves on. I could give many examples of not being committed. When I made the comment I was referring specifically to the issue with the funeral, but reflecting on my comment, I see that statement sums up everything with him. I'm sure it struck a nerve. He does like being accountable. I apologized to him many attempts to reach out and nothing.

Thanks for that additional information. It's just a small snapshot but it helps a little.

I'm going to share my thoughts as I read what you posted - keeping in mind I'm going with what you've given us, which is only a tiny amount of information, so I may be way off base.

It seems unlikely your comment about the funeral was the singular event that triggered him to do something as drastic as severing contact with you for a year. It may instead be that this event was, for him, the last straw. The magnitude of his decision coupled with his inability to "show up" in important aspects of his life suggests there's a lot going on with him -- things he's struggling with personally, whether or not he's willing to share that with you. I'm also going to assume, maybe unfairly, that conflict between you two is not unfamiliar territory. You can let me know if I'm wrong.

All of this adds up to no easy solution. If he's not receptive to a relationship with you, it's a non-starter. I asked you about your relationship with his wife....do you have one? Is it positive? If so, she can help you to at least understand what he's thinking.

There is not enough to go on to conclude narcissism. Could just be depression or many other reasons, including that he simply felt too much, or had too much going on, to play the role of speaker at the funeral.

Sometimes males are expected to be something they simply cannot be, to appease others, and perhaps he is just taking time out, to sort out what is going on with him.

Hard question, but what is your typical conversation like when you do speak with him? Is it about him, or about can you do x, y, z?

p.s. the later really does happen, conversations that devolve into to-do lists for others, and disappointment over what they didn't do, while never really listening to what is going on with the person.

In response to xdude: The conversations are always about my son. He rambles on about whatever topic interests him and never asks any questions about myself or anyone else. Ne rarely talks about his wife or children. It is always about him. I do not ever put any expectations on my son who lives 1,000 miles away. He certainly does not get "to-do-lists" from me. I was the messenger passing along the request to speak at the funeral from another relative.
I went through a health scare and had some tests done and never received a call from him to see how I was doing. My daughter and I also recently went through an epic flooding event that made the news around the world and never received a call to check on us.
I do believe in being accountable to people in relationships. My son does not like accountability.
My son could never one time tell his sister that he was proud of her for earning a college athletic scholarship or compliment her on her performances. At the last minute, he could not attend her college graduation--allegedly for money reasons. Later that weekend we received social media pictures of how he chose to spend his money instead. Am I starting to paint a clear picture or do you need more details?

Response to Kimera:
Thanks for your comments. When my son was a teenager, I was the disciplinarian and parent who expected accountability and set boundaries. His father, a clinical narcissist (per our marriage counselors) was not an involved parent. If he could throw money at something rather than give of himself that was how he parented. My son gravitated to the non-accountability choice. My son and I had talked regularly (rather my son talked and I listened) at least weekly. My son would always use terms like "here's the deal" or similar words as if he needed to explain or help me understand the complexity of what he was talking about.
I have a fairly good relationship with my daughter-in-law. She protects him as she is financially dependent on him as a stay at home mom. We do not discuss the elephant in the room. I don't want to start down the triangulation road to put her in the middle. She is the only life line I currently have to my grandchildren and I do not want to destroy that.

So with my kitten and kids, I have a role. That role is to be their supportive one. There are 7,000,000,000 people on the planet who could play other roles, but what I can relate too is I just wanted 1 person of those to be mom, and 1 to be dad, and my kitten just wants 1 person to hug him and kiss him on the top of his head, to pet him and hold him. Sometimes he runs off to be a hunter cat but then he comes back and wants to be a kitten.

My, harsh point is, he might just want you to be mom, and that is all he wants.

Its a unique opportunity.

Response to xdude: I have been a mother to him. I have been there for him throughout his life and supported him in many ways. I have loaned him money that he could never repay. I drove 200 miles in the middle of the night when he got beat up and needed emergency surgery so that I could be with him in the hospital. His father rolled over and went back to sleep when he got that call. I spent several nights in the hospital with him when he had pneumonia and his father didn't even bother to go up there. I have reached out to him in this situation and tried to reconcile and restore the relationship in many ways. You tell me how to reach him when he wont respond. I want nothing more than to be a mother to him. Are you saying I expect too much to think my son would want to know whether or not I might actually have cancer? I'm not sure where you are coming from?