She is back

Hello.

My ex HPD girlfriend contacted me 1 year after she broke up with me and 10 months of no contact. Probably one of the reasons she left me is because back then i saw glipmses of her HPD (even i did not know it was that) and i confronted her in calm and polite way. Few months after she left me she married with another man but he divorced her 6 months after, while she was pregnant in 5 months. Call me a fool, but i coudn't leave a pregnant woman.

I am seeing the fragile and insecure women she really is and the pain from her soul, and i do not want to hurt her in any way but i will not let her hurt me again. I know she is feeling lonely and she need someone who understand her but i am not sure what she really want. Probably she doesn’t know that either. Maybe some of you can tell me what is in her mind and also please tell me your reasons when you contact your ex partners.

Thank you

Moved to the Significant Others, Family & Friends forum, but a link has been left behind in the HPD forum as the OP may get more replies this way, still... Trigger warning for those with HPD.

Deu wrote:Hello.

My ex HPD girlfriend contacted me 1 year after she broke up with me and 10 months of no contact. Probably one of the reasons she left me is because back then i saw glipmses of her HPD (even i did not know it was that) and i confronted her in calm and polite way. Few months after she left me she married with another man but he divorced her 6 months after, while she was pregnant in 5 months. Call me a fool, but i coudn't leave a pregnant woman.

I am seeing the fragile and insecure women she really is and the pain from her soul, and i do not want to hurt her in any way but i will not let her hurt me again. I know she is feeling lonely and she need someone who understand her but i am not sure what she really want. Probably she doesn’t know that either. Maybe some of you can tell me what is in her mind and also please tell me your reasons when you contact your ex partners.

Thank you

HPDs usually come back whenever they are experiencing some kind of shortage of attentions, for whatever reasons. Or they feel bored and empty (again, for whatever reasons). It can be also a combination of the above things.

If they come back for these reasons, it's pretty typical they do that whenever they perceive that the "dust has settled" with respect to past dramas and fights.

From what you described, I'd tend to think this applies to your case as well.

Anyway, you know she's pretty dysfunctional and you have to think about your emotional well-being. As a consequence, if you want assist her do it at arms length and don't follow her in dramas and fights. Be emotionally detached, you know it's insane to have a relationship with her without her having proper therapy.

On the other hand, if you think you cannot do that, then it's better to stick with NC.

I know she is coming back because she is feeling lonely or empty, just like you said, but i wanted to know what is in her mind. I mean i want to know if she come back to me just to boost her ego and then find another man or she really want to try and to be back together. I know our relationship ended for a reason and i also know if we are back together again is hardly unlikely our relationship to last.

She really think is ok to dump me, marry with another man and come back to me when he divorced her? She really forgot all the cruel things she said to me and she forgot about the smear campaign?
She really think i will accept to be together again after she behaved like that?

Deep inside my soul i still care about her but I still have some pride and all i can do for her is to be her friend only and if only her intentions are good. If she is coming back to boost her ego i will not do that.

Deu wrote:She really think is ok to dump me, marry with another man and come back to me when he divorced her? She really forgot all the cruel things she said to me and she forgot about the smear campaign?
She really think i will accept to be together again after she behaved like that?

Yes, this kind of, let's say so, "uncommon" behaviours are pretty typical among HPDs.
They thrive for attentions, validation and having "strong emotions". However, in doing so they are extremely selfish (sometimes even very cruel); indeed, I let yourself imagine the emotional state of the poor guy she married and left...I don't have any doubt that you would end up (again) in the same emotional mess, sooner or later.

Deep inside my soul i still care about her but I still have some pride and all i can do for her is to be her friend only and if only her intentions are good. If she is coming back to boost her ego i will not do that.

Look, we all cared about our exes; even more, many of them are good people in their cores and have extremely good qualities. Point is, the disorder makes them behave in completely unacceptable, selfish and cruel ways. Do you really want this? Frankly, your ex seems a textbook case...it's better if you focus on yourself and date emotionally sane partners.

If you want, keep your ex as a friend...possibly at arms' lenght, though it's not always possible because of the dramas and fights they continuously create. AND, keeping them just as friends could provoke a very bad reaction, since they could percieve it as an abandonment/rejection. It's up to you man!

So, the moral of the story is: focus on your well-being now, it's time to heal and satisfy your OWN needs. Sadly, disordered people are addictive and, often, end up hurting us very, very badly from an emotional point of view.

I know how she is and how she behaved with me and with the other men from her life, but maybe she reached a point she said ENAUGH. Is not easy for her at 35 years old to have a baby and 2 ex husbands.
i don't want to be together again with her and i don't want to save her, but maybe i can help her to save herself. She is self aware it is something wrong with her and maybe she want to change something.

That's why i wanted a woman with HPD to explain me what is in her mind and why she reached back to me, but in the same time i have the feeling she is expecting me to make the first move.

Deu wrote:I know how she is and how she behaved with me and with the other men from her life, but maybe she reached a point she said ENAUGH. Is not easy for her at 35 years old to have a baby and 2 ex husbands.
i don't want to be together again with her and i don't want to save her, but maybe i can help her to save herself. She is self aware it is something wrong with her and maybe she want to change something.

This is malignant hope....without proper therapy, she cannot improve substantially. You cannot fix her, forget that.

Deu wrote:... i don't want to save her, but maybe i can help her to save herself.

That's really the same thing Deu. Are you absolutely sure you can be friends with her and not get drawn into the maelstrom?