Advice for someone new to meeting someone with BPD

I know this isn't a forum for dating advice but i wanted to post to get some knowledge on how to handle about getting the cold side of BPD and how i should handle it.

So first my story,
Ive been talking to this girl who has been diagnosed with BPD for about two years now, we're both in our late twenties.
At first she was going through some tough times and an inevitable break up with her ex, and i was going through healing from the ending of my 6 year relationship which had just happened prior.
We live far away from each other so we mainly just use facebook to talk with the odd chat program mixed in, over the last two years we have sent maybe 70000 messages between each other which shocked me when i read that but i just wanted to say that its not something quick its been a progressive build up between us. She has shared a lot with me over this time and me with her, i feel she trusts me at least as much as a BPD can, I will visit her in 2 months time aswell after i finish my work business trip.

So a little longer than a month or so things have speed up with our flirting and escalating alot faster than before, to where we were talking about sex and all that stuff. Now i don't think i crossed the line or anything but since a conversation she has made a massive change and is barely talking to me, in the two years we've spoken she hasn't done this to me before or maybe i didn't care that much and didn't notice im not sure.
Her messages have become short and she has barely logged in let alone to talk to me,I've tried to educate myself on BPD in the last few weeks and now I'm hoping i can get some advice on how a man who likes a women with BPD should handle when they go cold on you?
My natural reaction as a man is to try and fix it and chase her, but i don't believe this is correct path to go with a BPD women.
I feel i have three options here
- Stay the same as i always have been.
- Chase her and try and fix it.
- Do the old cat trick and just let them come back to you.

How about setting some time/distance apart until you figure things out?

Should i talk to her about the time apart or just do it.

Do what feels right. when I've decided to set time apart, I've always discussed this beforehand so my absence isn't questioned later on, but of course you don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

Hmm... This sounds like a difficult situation for you, Pablo333. I'm sorry to hear that.

I've had a BPD partner (undiagnosed - but it is extremely likely...) for two years and her behaviour could also change in an instant, unexpectedly. Example: The week before we got into a relationship she told me "She wasn't interested in me in that way, and it's better for me to not think about that." As the sentence already tells you, a week later, she changed her mind. This is just one of the many examples I can tell you about. This is a common trait and it's incredibly difficult to deal with as a Non. At least, that's my experience. I also got a close bond with my (now) ex, talking about very private stuff, before we got into a relationship. Not sure if that's a recurring trait as well?

I'm not sure how to advise you correctly in this, but since you know quite a lot about her, I'd suggest following Smiggles' advice, do whatever feels right for you (it's a cliché, I know), obviously you are "in favour" of the decision which feels natural to you and you can't blame yourself for not following your intuitions later on. I hope you'll find the help you need on this forum! Should you need me, then you can always contact me.

Thank you for the advice on this Fred and Smiggles,
I'm kind of taking the fact that we might message each other once or twice each day/every 2nd day still as a positive in this situation but its still nothing like it was, i asked if anything was up she just told me she was busy but i know shes really not, i accepted her response and have only spoken lightly since.

So im not sure if i can come out and say im here if you feel like talking as i don't want to trigger a response if i come across as needy, as she's told me before if men show too much emotion she will be gone. My intuition tells me to back off and let her come to me when shes ready, but as most of us would probably agree this can be quite hard to do initially and as you suggested Smiggles discussing the break might be best to prevent a trigger abandonment response, this is the sort of behavior i better prepare myself for if i want it to work however.

It's great that you're being realistic. I think it's safe that you say you're there to talk if she's up for it, but that you would like some time to clear your mind and make room to breathe until things settle down. During the time you're limiting communication, you can definitely work on this.

Hey Pablo,

What comes to mind is that if you find yourself already 'walking on egg shells', afraid of being yourself, trying to device a strategy, fearful that you'll say/do the wrong thing, and so on, is this really the path you want to start (and likely end) a relationship on?

Hi Pablo,

Hmm... From what you shared, this is the first time that she distanced herself, right?

How about if you spoke to her openly:

"Hey (name), I've noticed that you've distanced yourself a bit, from what we've usually messaged during the last 2 years. Could it be because we began to talk about sex (or because our relationship changed from plain friends to something more)? If you're busy that's ok. In the mean while I'm gonna give you some space and time for you. If you need me, you can write, I'm here."

Something of the sort? I would totally address a conversation with my partner/potential partner if that was the case.

Regarding the 3 options:

Pablo333 wrote:
I feel i have three options here
- Stay the same as i always have been.
- Chase her and try and fix it.
- Do the old cat trick and just let them come back to you.

- If you stay the same she wouldn't know how you feel, and would think that distancing herself is ok with you. So, I don't think it's a cool option.

- If you chase her, hummm... Maybe she'll run away? (This I really don't know).

- Letting her come back sounds good. Though you may have to wait for a while, and things would be... ambiguous from either part. She might think you didn't care. You wouldn't know how long you'll have to wait.

So personally I feel being straight forward make things clear for both of you. She'll know you care and you are there. But that you noticed her distancing, and that well... maybe you are wondering what happened.

It's good that you educate yourself, but it's also good that you can be yourself and that you can establish healthy limits. Like xdude said, walking on eggshells is not healthy for a relationship. You should be free to expressing yourself and your needs too.

Sea

Hi Seangel and xdude, thank you for the reply.

Things are a little weird with her, she messages me first but only if she needs something it feels a bit bad.
I'm going to be away for 6 weeks very soon and i wont be able to speak with her during this time, so this will be a pretty big step.
I know shes sensitive so since we haven't met in person i don't want to risk pushing anything, but after say one more week if things haven't improved since i don't have much time left i will take your advice Seangel and attempt to get answers, ive given her this much space because of BPD whereas anyone else i wouldn't have.