New relationship with man with bipolar 1 - need advice

I have been dating a great man for just about 2 months now. He told me about 1 month after we met that he had bipolar 1. Things have been really great with us, I am falling in love with him and he is everything I have wanted in a man. However, this weekend was rough...I saw a side of him that I had not seen. He was angry and verbally abusive and had me in tears several times. We finally sat down and had a heart to heart and very emotional talk.

He basically told me that he is falling in love with me to but that I do not deserve to be with someone like him. He said that what I saw over the weekend is mild to how he can be. He said I should leave him now before we invest more time in this relationship.

He is going through some extremely tough family issues right now which I know contributed to his behavior.

My question is for those who have continued on in a relationship knowing what you are getting in to. I don't want to walk away from him, we need each other. He is there for me and I am there for him. We are comfortable around each other and I already know I can tell him everything and he is there for me through it all and I want to be there for him too. It is so hard to know if I want to get into a relationship with someone I know who will be verbally abusive to me at times but other times he is wonderful and the person I can see myself with forever.

If anyone can help me understand how to deal with this situation and maybe give some advice on if I should walk away or give it my all would be very helpful.

Also, he is taking medication and he does see a psychiatrist monthly. He has good family support with his mom and step dad.

Hi MaeLee,

I am moving your post to the "Significant Others, Family and Friends" forum, leaving a shadow in the Bipolar forum, meaning you can get responses from both.

A lot of stress can trigger bipolar episodes even with medication. Which might be the case here. There is a state called dysphoric mania in which one is constantly irritable, everything can trigger anger outbursts, everything is unpleasant. This MIGHT be what your friend is going through. There is also a possibility that it is just a side of his personality you haven't seen before. Bipolar doesn't automatically make people nice I'm afraid.

Perhaps going to therapy together could be an option?

Hugs, if wanted.

My first concern is your bf's verbal abuse you mention. Being with someone bipolar can be tough in many ways (I speak from the perspective of being bipolar myself and dating someone who was bipolar as well). I want to say that bipolar comes with a lot but any type of abuse to the other can eventually wear you out and get to you. My ex who I lived with and stayed with for 1 whole year constantly accused me of cheating on him. He was so nice and sweet and I kept rationalizing he has a good heart and he just needs help. But this dark, delusional side of him became so constant and more severe. I started to get scared from his outburst and yelling...I would talk to a guy friend on the phone about something and just to ease my ex's suspicion I told him he could listen to our convo...dumb mistake...I was so embarrassed when my ex started yelling and ranting at my friend for no reason! What I noticed was in the beginning of our relationship he never yelled at me. We really connected. I thought it was strange when he thought helicopters were after him but I tried to tell him they weren't. He insisted they were...but the strange part was I noticed the helicopter delusion slowly started to die down and I became the target of his delusion. I was nice about it at first bc I truly cared and wanted him to get better. But eventually not a day would go by that I didn't get outbursts of me cheating with the neighbor at night when I was sleeping next to him the entire night! I wanted to leave and escape but I had nowhere else to go at that time with my pets (I can't imagine how much worse it would have been if they were children). I felt trapped and scared and tired of all the fighting and accusations towards the end. Yes we had great moments together and he is a sweet guy, but overall it was not a healthy relationship for me. I don't want to deter you from dating a guy you can connect with and care about, and dating someone bipolar can be great. However for your own emotional safety I would be careful and take it slow because anger is one thing which I think is different from abuse verbal or physical.

I speak with experience from both sides - being BP, and being with someone who has an emotional disorder (undiagnosed).

In any relationship you need boundaries. If that yelling, accusing, etc., is not acceptable to you and you don't want to put up with it the rest of your life, make that clear now. Don't expect it to suddenly change or go away. The best, perhaps only, way of handling it when he gets that way is to walk away. He needs to be alone when in that state, and not have any target to unleash it on. If he doesn't want to spend so much time alone and isolated from the world, then he can do something to address the behavior. Different meds, different therapy. There are many to choose from. And ask yourself if you would be okay with being alone that much of the time, whether for hours, days, or longer as his mood runs its course, or as he tries to figure out what to do to get better.

Of all the people I've known with BP/BPD/etc, including myself, the only way to prompt real change and improvement was to isolate them when their behavior was unacceptable.

I was, for a time before we were married, pretty much verbally abusive to my husband. I put him through so much. Therapy, years of it, helped me gain control of my actions toward regardless of how I'm feeling. Cognitive behavioral therapy for a short time, then talk therapy for a long time. You have to want it, though, no one or no amount of love can make you.

This comes from someone who has been in a relationship with a bipolar man for 4 years and struggling with the decision to stay. I can't relate to your experience of verbal abuse. My guy chooses another way of dealing with me when he's feeling bad: he shuts down. And since his bad moods outweigh the good ones, I don't get much time with him. It would be silly to say I'd prefer the abuse but the silence feels almost abusive.

Think long and hard about being in a relationship with someone who is bipolar. Does he faithfully take his meds? Is he willing to go to therapy with you? If he won't do either of those (mine won't) your chances of having a fulfilling and rewarding relationship with this man are very limited. You can't make him better no matter how much you love him. My guy is a beautiful person who does some wonderful things and I have no doubt he loves me. But I gave up believing that my love and support would make things better. Only he can make his life better. In the meantime this relationship is so incredibly hard, hurtful and stressful.

Sorry to be so harsh but the person you need to think of most right now is you.

MaeLee2011 wrote:I have been dating a great man for just about 2 months now. He told me about 1 month after we met that he had bipolar 1. Things have been really great with us, I am falling in love with him and he is everything I have wanted in a man. However, this weekend was rough...I saw a side of him that I had not seen. He was angry and verbally abusive and had me in tears several times. We finally sat down and had a heart to heart and very emotional talk.

He basically told me that he is falling in love with me to but that I do not deserve to be with someone like him. He said that what I saw over the weekend is mild to how he can be. He said I should leave him now before we invest more time in this relationship.

He is going through some extremely tough family issues right now which I know contributed to his behavior.

My question is for those who have continued on in a relationship knowing what you are getting in to. I don't want to walk away from him, we need each other. He is there for me and I am there for him. We are comfortable around each other and I already know I can tell him everything and he is there for me through it all and I want to be there for him too. It is so hard to know if I want to get into a relationship with someone I know who will be verbally abusive to me at times but other times he is wonderful and the person I can see myself with forever.

If anyone can help me understand how to deal with this situation and maybe give some advice on if I should walk away or give it my all would be very helpful.

Also, he is taking medication and he does see a psychiatrist monthly. He has good family support with his mom and step dad.

I can relate. My wife has had to deal with me for several years now. I'm the one that was diagnosed a few years ago. Over the years I've been able to moderate my lashing out, those disgusting and volatile fights that I was the source of, and I'd say if you plan on remaining in this relationships, I do have some advice.

One, don't allow his illness to be an excuse for being an ass. You don't deserve to be treated that way, regardless if his emotions are extra volatile at the time do to his illness. It might seem hard or impossible for him to moderate his emotions, but it is possible with time and commitment to the one he loves.

Secondly, be weary of fighting fire with fire. If he's unreasonably angry at you, the natural response is to become angry, and argue with him yourself. While he has to learn to manage his emotions, you have to work on your response, to respond with far more kindness and grace then he likely deserves. It would help him recognize that you're not the guilty party, that's he's just undeservingly taking out his frustrations on you.

Me and wife have a wonderful relationship, that was horrible for the first few years, as result of my condition, but the over the years we worked it out. I always want to be in the place where we're not arguing, where we feel our commitment and love for each other. So anytime I feel particularly volatile and irritable, I remember that this is not where I want to be, and that feeling is just temporary, waiting for it to pass. And it always does.