DDJ symptoms

I can't believe I found this site. A lot of the symptoms I have read in these forums involving DDJ seem all too familiar. So let me begin the story of my "friend" with DDJ.

He has been married for 25 years. Throughout those years he has always experienced intense feelings of jealousy regarding his wife. Some of the people he was concerned about were clearly of no threat whatsoever but if there was any type of contact - especially via phone - he would get extremely tense and nervous. Most of the time he held in those feelings and didn't act out in anger because he did not want to feel embarrassed by these extreme feelings or feel like he lacked a sense of control. He just swept the feelings under the rug.

There were a couple of times he did explode and confront his wife. She was often left speechless no knowing what to say or do. During these times she offered to disconnect her phone for a period of time or change her number. He would not allow her to do that because the idea made him feel stupid. Generally speaking, he's a very passive man and does not like to come off as the aggressor.

For the first half of their marriage, although he struggled with these emotions, they were for the most part contained due his wife's lifestyle. Rarely was there an outburst. In fact there may have not been any within the first 10 years. She was a stay at home mom with 2 kids and her social contacts were mostly other moms of young children. However, she became employed in the business world during the second half which opened her up to new people that he deemed to be "unsafe."

Anyhow, there was a recent episode that lasted three days and the DDJ is now feeling completely insecure and unsafe. Everything has calmed down between he and his wife but any time she goes anywhere - grocery store, work, etc. He feels that she is out to communicate with other men. He even notices things in what she says that seem to paint a picture of a plan.

After showing him this site he seemed to find some relief knowing that he probably has a condition and that his fears aren't necessarily real. However, he cannot stop feeling the constant pain that he feels inside - the intense anxiety that tells him hurt and betrayal are only a few moments away at all times. He says it's like Chinese water torture. He's constantly waiting for the next show to drop.

When it comes down to it he really questions whether he can emotionally handle a romantic relationship with anyone. It's just too much for his emotions to take. Ending the relationship almost seems like it would be an incredible relief for him - Not because he believes she's cheating but because he fears she one day will. However, he doesn't want to do that. As crazy as it sounds he is looking forward to old age thinking that maybe the feelings will subside when they are older.

Any advice I can give him would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Hillyard.

It ain't happening, you're just taking your fears too seriously blah blah blah. But ok. This might sound harsh...

So what if she is cheating? You don't own her. If you're afraid that something may happen to break the relationship apart, then you seem to be doing a fine job of doing that on your own with your unfounded distrust of your partner.

Trust her more. Be open with your concerns, don't just let it build up until you unleash in an accusatory attack. Don't focus on the negatives, just acknowledge that they're there and move on from them. We create reality through our expectations, and if you just expect things to go bad, well you might be making a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Maybe see a relationship counselor or something. Don't just give up on relationships because you're having difficulty in handling one. Work through your issues instead. Avoidance solves nothing.