Father with BPD, need help, please.

Ok, so this is my first post on here, and thank you guys for having this sight...

I am a daughter, adult, and my father (whom entered our lives almost 12 years ago now) i believe has BPD. Atleast, in all my research, that is what dicribes him to a "T". These issues we've had, have always been there, and our family's life has been 1 big game of trying to appease him, and make him just ok and happy. Which... he claims he's really never happy, and it's only to make the people around him feel better... (because to him, we are horrible appathetic people, and he is the most caring person to ever walk tge earth.)

I know i shouldn't take these words personally, but after so many years of being torn down, verbally and physically abused, and still being told it's all your fault, it's become very hard not to....

Any way, this all became worse when he was diagnosed with brain cancer as well... things went even more down hill.... but he's out lived his 2 month "time expectation" by almost 6 years now. Thus, he feels survivor's remorse, ontop of his cancer, and on top of his other issues....

So, this last month (because he's so stubborn) he got a cuncussion after falling off a horse he was trying to train.... things have been rappidly spiraling out of control and down hill since. He refuses medical, or professional help, because of his extreme paranoia. And most days, all he can say is "I'm not ok, I'm not ok, I'm not ok, and you all don't get that, i can't explain it." And when we run out of things to say, then he believes that we just hate him, and he's not worthy of, or can't possibly earn our love, and he just wants to die or leave.

My biggest problem in handling this, is that before the cancer, his iq was at nearly a genious level. He was a professional engineer.... and he turns everything into a fight, and out talks/mind f#*€! You.... i mean it like... he says "i just suck" so i say, "no you don't! You don't suck at all." Then he quicly combats that with "if i didn't, you'd have more to back that up." So, i reply "you're a good father, a great man, a good friend..." but he wanted to hear that he was a good builder.... and that wasn't on my list... so i tell him, "yeah, you're a great builder too!" But, to him, because he said it first, it completely invalidates that, and then I'm just lying to him, and feeding him a bunch of BS.... so, i tell him "I'm sorry you feel like that, but that's not what i think, or meant, I'm sorry" but then, he wants to know what I'm sorry for.... "for making you feel upset, and like i don't care, because i do." Well, my obvious actions of neglect, and not telling him exactly what he wanted/needed to hear is just proof of how poorly i treat him. At this point, apologizing makes him mad, and any bit of arguing leeds to suicide preventing.

And i am stuck. I don't know what else to do .... side problems include; extreme agoraphobia.... bad anxiety attacks... he just sits in his car, all day, every day fir a week now. My brother and mother and i take turns sitting with him, trying to joke, talk, etc.... but he beleives he's just wasting our lives, and he should just die.

I am to a point where i am burned out, angry, upset, concerned for the kids under 8 years old in the house, questioning what's happening, and only getting horrible responses from their father like, no one loves him, and the rest of the family just wants him to go away. So he's just goi.g to die, because his family hates him.

I just.... i hope someone can give me... maybe some guidance? I'm getting to my wits end, but i don't feel i could ever walk away from this. Not with my mom still killing herself to try to just make him happy.... the whole family has been in and out of suicidal depression, stemed from this circumstance. But, like i said, he REFUSES any professional help. What can i do?!

Thanks in advance!!!!!