Long Distance with a BPD Boyfriend

Hello everyone,
I am new to this page and hope to find some Information on how to deal with my Situation and with how BPD is affecting my relationship.

So I met my Boyfriend one year ago in the US, I live in Europe. I've spent a year over there and we have just been friends. I visit on a regular Basis because I have Family and friends over there. But this summer when we met again everything was different. We spent 3 Months together almost every day and I told him that I've been in love with him for a Long time already and he told me he fell for me this summer. He said he never loved anyone as much as he loves me and that he wants to end up with me and have a Family one day. Everything was good until we made it official. His mom got involved a lot, she texted me, called me or personally attacked me. She says she only wants to protect me and that he is not in love he is only obsessed and that he cheats and that he says nasty things about me and then she said, read about BPD, that's his issue.

So I started to read about it and he told me he goes to therapy every week but he says he doesn't have bpd. And we started fighting quite a bit because he was really upset that I believed his mom a few times and that I asked Girls about him.

But then I had to go back home, and everything was good. He wrote me a letter, gave me a necklace and promised me to always be faithful and that he loves me so much he can't be without me.

Now that I'm home for almost a month he keeps texting new Girls he hangs out with them and when I ask he is getting mad. I contacted 3 of them, they said he told them about me and I shouldn't worry bu´t I don't believe them. And he got really mad, he said that he is hanging out with whoever he wants and that he Needs a break because it' too much pressure and if he would have sex with someone during break it wouldn't be so bad for me. And he knows I'm a Little insecure, he is really good looking and I'm always concerned and he hates that because he says I'm the most beautiful Girl he has met. But then he says things like ''I met the hottest Girl ever'' or ''Oh did you see her pictures she is beautiful and I'm texting withe her'' Is he doing this to hurt me ?Is he preparing me for him cheating? or is he really just talking to those Girls just to be friends? Do you think he loves me or is that just Obsession ?
and if I say that I wanna end it do you think he will accept that or will he contact me ?
I'm sorry that was Long but I hope to get some answers from you ! Thank you.
Julia

Julia101 wrote:her'' Is he doing this to hurt me ?Is he preparing me for him cheating? or is he really just talking to those Girls just to be friends? Do you think he loves me or is that just Obsession ? and if I say that I wanna end it do you think he will accept that or will he contact me ?

Greetings Julia, these are very difficult questions to answer. We can not know for sure what his intent is regarding these matters. If he is BPD as suggested in your post, it will be a very difficult challenge for you in your relationship.

Part of the problem in dealing with pwBPD, especially in romantic situations, is the constant push/pull, splitting behavior that is common to this disorder. He may desire to be close to you (The pulling part), while at the same time fearing the closeness, and/or expecting you to eventually abandon or reject him. So he self sabotages the relationship by mentioning/being with other women. (The pushing part).

In addition, he may experience emotional swings between treating you well (the splitting white part) and treating you poorly (the splitting black part). This can be very difficult for you to handle emotionally and can cause you a great deal of pain.

I think you should be honest with him and tell him what you need in the relationship. Your needs are as important as his. Tell him, these other girls are a problem for you and see where that goes. You will never be able to control how he treats you or how he really feels about you. It is up to him to decide if he wants you in his life. If he is not willing to make that effort, then you may have a difficult decision in the future.

In the end only you can decide if you want to stay with him or leave. But you must be true to your own feelings and wishes.

All the best

Hi Julia, apart from what Mark said you may consider using the forums in bpdfamily.com (they're expert in dealing with BPD relationships and give extremely useful suggestions). Also, if you want to have some (impartial, hate-free) knowledge about the disorder, these documents could represent a good start:

http://maretwebproject.com/users/docs/borderline.pdf
http://www.universitypsychiatry.com/cli ... _PICPs.pdf

All the best, we will be always here to help and listen you