Looking to understand Ex-HPD's behaviours!

Hey 10dsw,

Yea, personally I think that most of whats going on comes down to self-esteem issues. Cluster B types often don't feel good about themselves, and that feeling runs deep. There are just various ways to cope with it, some more destructive than others.

So for example, fishing for compliments over her appearance may provide a temporary boost, but it doesn't last, and in some ways makes the problem worse. Worse because rather than becoming aware of her self-esteem issues, and hopefully working on that, all of that gets hidden behind the ego boost of the moment.

Devaluation of others can also be motivated by self-esteem issues. There are so many ways, pick your poison...

Anyway it doesn't help any that some societies encourage people to develop a false image of having self-esteem vs really having it. That over the top bravado. One telling indicator is that they are constantly reminding you how strong their self-esteem is. Thing is it's also an indicator that they are really trying to convince themselves. That written, there are some people who really do have a deep conviction that they are better than others (i.e., simple narcissism) and are entitled, but I think these types end up being just as fragile when their beliefs are challenged, so more or less the same outwardly.

One of the best pieces of advice that I have ever received was to "hold on to the truth about yourself, regardless of what anyone says, thinks, or feels about you."

One should never give away their "power" to any other person. This power I am referring to is your own power of "choice", choosing for yourself what you believe about yourself. Choosing for yourself, what kind of man you are or will be.

Now, as xdude wisely indicates above, this is not always easy to do. Many people are fearful of stating that they themselves might suffer from a little self-esteem damage. That their self-esteem is a little weaker than it should be. There is no shame in acknowledging that. By recognizing it, one can go about correcting it.

This is a lesson I personally forgot when I became entangled with my HPD. I gave away ALL of my power. I allowed her to determine how I felt about myself. When she "accepted" me, I felt good, when she "rejected " me, I felt bad. . Being with her became my own source of happiness, rather than being inner directed.

How is this related to your post? You are learning first hand what low self esteem looks like regarding the HPD you ran into. One, when you need to "doctor" your appearance because you fear rejection. Playing out a role, rather than risking authenticity. Saying to your self and others "Here I am, both good and bad." And being comfortable with that.

And devaluing others. A person who has a healthy self- esteem sees no need to devalue anyone. They are not in competition with the world. They do not fear others. One does not fear there is a dwindling supply of goodness in the world. The world does not have compensating balances. One does not "take" and leave nothing for others. People with healthy self esteem do not see others as better or worse. They simply are them and you are you.

An HPD lives in a constant state of fear and anxiety, imho. They fear being "discovered" for who they really are. They fear that if people really knew who they were, they would be rejected. They would be considered unlovable and unacceptable. God forbid if the "mask" slips.

Hopefully, 10dsw you can"learn" not to be them. You appear to have a lot of self-awareness about the things you do. By all means, I hope you go about finding ways to correct anything that you feel may be holding you back. By admitting your weaknesses, and seeking to correct them, you will always be a winner in the end.

This is a little OT but on the subject of self-esteem.

I met with a woman, last night, that had a Histrionic mother and a Schizophrenic sister. We met to discuss the HPD woman I know and some possible problems she could cause (for all of us).

Anyway this person told me that she pegged the woman I know as HPD within 20 minutes of interacting with her. {This was quite a while ago and had nothing to do with me.]

Talk about feeling stupid. It took me months.

As I told this person my story she just nodded and gave knowing smiles. At least I know my "diagnosis" is probably correct--including the sub-type. At times this lady interrupted me and said stuff (e,g. ""classic passive-aggressive") before I mentioned it.

This lady's mom was a classic "drama queen" type HPD and she got the brunt of her mother's wrath. That said she told me she was the "golden child" [that's weird].

It felt really really good to talk to someone (in RL) that understands.

mark1958 wrote:One of the best pieces of advice that I have ever received was to "hold on to the truth about yourself, regardless of what anyone says, thinks, or feels about you."

One should never give away their "power" to any other person. This power I am referring to is your own power of "choice", choosing for yourself what you believe about yourself. Choosing for yourself, what kind of man you are or will be.

Now, as xdude wisely indicates above, this is not always easy to do. Many people are fearful of stating that they themselves might suffer from a little self-esteem damage. That their self-esteem is a little weaker than it should be. There is no shame in acknowledging that. By recognizing it, one can go about correcting it.

This is a lesson I personally forgot when I became entangled with my HPD. I gave away ALL of my power. I allowed her to determine how I felt about myself. When she "accepted" me, I felt good, when she "rejected " me, I felt bad. . Being with her became my own source of happiness, rather than being inner directed.

How is this related to your post? You are learning first hand what low self esteem looks like regarding the HPD you ran into. One, when you need to "doctor" your appearance because you fear rejection. Playing out a role, rather than risking authenticity. Saying to your self and others "Here I am, both good and bad." And being comfortable with that.

And devaluing others. A person who has a healthy self- esteem sees no need to devalue anyone. They are not in competition with the world. They do not fear others. One does not fear there is a dwindling supply of goodness in the world. The world does not have compensating balances. One does not "take" and leave nothing for others. People with healthy self esteem do not see others as better or worse. They simply are them and you are you.

An HPD lives in a constant state of fear and anxiety, imho. They fear being "discovered" for who they really are. They fear that if people really knew who they were, they would be rejected. They would be considered unlovable and unacceptable. God forbid if the "mask" slips.

Excellent post and so insightful!

Facing our self-esteem issues is much harder than pretending they don't exist or masking them. Much like fear, facing our fears is the only way to really get past it. Same with self-esteem issues.

For whatever it's work, I later realized I had been holding onto a belief that I was going to meet this imaginary understanding, idealized 'soul-mate' (for lack of a better word). That was of course a mistake on many levels starting with I had an unrealistic belief/want on my part (i.e., an overly romantic idealized notion of how it should be and idealized her), through having gotten involved with someone who lacks empathy (yet another extreme). As you wrote, I had given over my power to someone else, put my happiness and self-esteem in her hands, and hey, well you know how that turns out.

Taking our power back is painful, as you well know. It requires facing ourselves, alone, and re-evaluating our beliefs about self, others, how we wanted it to be, how it is, etc. Painful, but (I think) worthwhile in the long run.

p.s. agree re: people with good self-esteem don't have a need to prove it, and tend to believe in the live and let live way (indeed because they also value others and wish them well).

Hopefully, 10dsw you can"learn" not to be them. You appear to have a lot of self-awareness about the things you do. By all means, I hope you go about finding ways to correct anything that you feel may be holding you back. By admitting your weaknesses, and seeking to correct them, you will always be a winner in the end.

Thanks, with a better understanding of myself I am trying hard to improve my behaviours. I was getting close to "devaluing" the lab technician girl yesterday but I stopped myself (I could feel the switch from liking her to disliking her taking place). I am trying to get out of the habit of just plain disliking people, which is what was starting to happen last night with respect to the lab technician.

An HPD lives in a constant state of fear and anxiety, imho. They fear being "discovered" for who they really are. They fear that if people really knew who they were, they would be rejected. They would be considered unlovable and unacceptable. God forbid if the "mask" slips.

Yea within 3 weeks of meeting my HPD I told her I am not playing her games. That's when she went nuts... for the next 3-4 months. The moment she realized someone had discovered that she is full of s*** was when she went into defensive mode:

"What the f***, I'm not playing any games! Kind of f***** I was not rude to you whatsoever, like can I not ask how you've been? Apparently not."

The gaslighting is amazing! What worries me though is that many people would fall for this sort of reply... and they would apologize to her for accusing her of things (when they should be accusing her) and then of course she would just start to play the same sort of games all over again.

Also amazing how far they will go to preserve their own self-image... no matter how stupid the method of preservation may be.

10dsw, about gaslighting and blameshifting I have to agree with you: they are simply unbeatable in these. Anyhow, this is perfectly explainable by considering that they developed these defence mechanisms since childhood...

Fr4nz83 wrote:10dsw, about gaslighting and blameshifting I have to agree with you: they are simply unbeatable in these. Anyhow, this is perfectly explainable by considering that they developed these defence mechanisms since childhood...

From personal experience growing up with a cluster B parent, you get so many confusing messages. So yea I agree with you. gaslighting and blameshifting are all about creating confusion; it's what some grew up with so...

Update:

Someone mentioned that it was worthwhile inoculating one self after escaping an HPD and I can understand why now. I was at a friend's birthday last night and someone who knew her was saying she would not stop talking about me and he had to tell her to knock it off. Despite having to tell her this he was saying how great of a person she was and almost making me feel like I was the bad one... so I am fairly certain she is going around saying really bad things about me.

Aside from that he was saying she was miserable and she overdosed on cocaine... landing her in the hospital. Goodness!

10dsw wrote:Someone mentioned that it was worthwhile inoculating one self after escaping an HPD and I can understand why now.

That was me and I've done a bit of it lately. To quote Albert Bernstein from Emotional Vampires (p127)

Whether Histrionics are drama queens or adorable waifs, they are about as effective in combat with the people who love them as Navy SEALS are with terrorists.

As an aside I attended a community event last night and as I was leaving (with many others) a local cop, who I barely know (small town), singled me out and asked how I was doing. Hmm...

{Yes HPD's are known to make false allegations to law enforcement.]

PS: Many months ago I consulted a local lawyer I know and got the names of a number of criminal defense lawyers in my area. Perhaps I'm overly paranoid but...

I am starting to understand why you would want criminal lawyers around... these are truly vengeful girls. As of right this moment I believe it has been ~3 months NC and she is still talking...

Additionally the person inexperienced with the HPD of 2015 would indeed tell you are being paranoid. The person who has handled the HPD of 2015 would tell you that you can never be too paranoid with them

I see this now.