HPD-Victim wrote:10dsw wrote:Can an HPD love? I don't think so...
I don't think they feel love like a Non. I'm sure they feel something (for as long as it lasts) but I have no way to know what that is. I know they long/pine for the "ideal" and think their "love" is that (for an hour/day/week/month).
Do HPDs feel love? This is a very interesting question, which many of us pose to themselves when our relationships end in the very destructive ways we well know.
What is the answer? In my opinion is
yes, they love us, and when they love us they do it with every fiber they have (I'm citing pedsmommy, and this is what I also saw during my r/s).
However, is this the kind of
love NONs experience? Probably not, since HPDs, like BPDs, lack an inner sense of self, they don't really know who they are[1], so they need to attach to others in order to feel complete. This is what triggers the
need of attention in our HPDs - to feel whole, validated, accepted, appreciated. Basically, it is a love based on
need, not a love based on true intimacy, on knowing the other and grow
togheter as
individuals.
In this sense, I think you guys might find this little piece about "intimacy vs. intensity" very interesting (taken from here
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=77344.msg12003437#msg12003437). It makes us reflect about why we were so attracted from the intensity of our relationship and from where this attraction stems.
According to James Masterson, we all have bits and pieces of disordered thought. The problems arise when we change those thoughts to beliefs. It's hard to tell people that what they believe is wrong and people have been killing each other over their beliefs for centuries. However, thinking and believing are not the same thing. If you think you are addicted to the intensity, then believing you need it is based upon something cellular. Since this is a Family of Origin issue, the last relationship that you had has brought this to the surface where you can now access the belief. All you need now is to re-visit it.
From Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D
1) High intensity is often mistaken for intimacy.
When you come from a family in which members showed little emotion or affection, and you meet someone around whom there are lots of feelings, you might perceive this as intimacy. At least there are feelings. But if the feelings are about high drama, betrayal, and passionate reconciliations, it is not intimacy. It is intensity. And it is both absorbing and addictive. The addiction is about high arousal and high risk.
2) Intensity exists in relationships when there is betrayal and drama triangles.
Intensity thrives on fear and arousal- especially sexual arousal or the fear of sexual betrayal (did this person cheat on you?) You're likely to believe that they will cheat again.
Intense relationships often have one person pushing while the other is pulling. There is always the prospect of more betrayal and abandonment to come. The anxiety that this causes is so unbearable, that the only way to control it is to *create drama* to keep it at the surface, where people think it can be resolved- but instead, they feel it. High drama becomes a way to manage anxiety.
Dramatic exits, whether slamming of doors or jumping out of cars, or leaving people in the middle of nowhere- act out the anxiety. Rather than using the tension as a way to constructively resolve the conflict, it serves to bond two people traumatically. There is no soothing calm. There is no way to resolve the conflict either, because the conflict is what both people feel keeps the anxiety under control. Episode after episode means that the drama is the bulk of the relationship. *This is called a Trauma Bond.*
Trauma Bond: Consists of victim/victimizer, fear and arousal, push/pull, threats of betrayal and abandonment, high drama, no structure or rules, high distraction, built on secrecy, escalation, episode after episode.
Fear intensifies all human attachment. Fear escalates the reactivity of the body, which in turn escalates all the survival options; arousal, blocking, splitting, abstinence, shame, repetition and bonding. (Who wouldn't look like a Borderline at this point?)
"Intimacy, in contrast, starts with mutuality and respect. There is neither exploitation by abuse of power, nor betrayal of trust. Passion flows from vulnerability and care- and it is a function of the soul. Intimacy relies on safety and patience. Healthy intimacy usually has no secrets. *Intensity require secrecy and develops from it.*
Intimacy pushes partners to grow. Conflicts that arise in intimacy result in negotiation and a clear understanding about fair fighting. Absent are the fear and anxiety of intensity. Constancy and vulnerability create more of the epic rather than the episodic."
~ The Betrayal Bond. Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D
[1] The ironic thing is that HPDs indeed have a real self, they are just disconnected from it. The degree of disconnection depends on the individual case, I suppose. I bet that HPDs are less disconnected than BPDs.
I just try and be myself. That's usually enough to drive most women away 
Playing games is just plain too hard at my age.
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS Feed