Avoiding friendships with people who have paranoia

Hi. I'm new to the forum. I joined mainly because I want to know how to avoid getting into yet another friendship with someone who has paranoia. About a decade ago, I got into the mental health system myself. I ended up being active in the mental health community in my area. I have several very good friends who have various diagnoses. We call ourselves "Party Pals," as we get together a few times of year for lunch, or to play cards or board games. We've known each other a long time. I've been open to new people with diagnoses to join Party Pals. Three women I met at different times, in different ways, became friends. One was a Party Pal. At first we had a very nice, egalitarian friendship. We even traveled together one time and stayed in a beautiful hotel. Had a great time then. I used to visit her and her husband. Then she told me that he did not like me. A mutual friend of hers and mine, used to date her husband many years ago. She is so glad she did not marry that man. She told me he's been diagnosed with paranoia, and that he's influencing my friend against me.

But my friend who has the diagnosis of paranoia, started writing me "love notes," not sexual ones, just that I was her best friend, we had so many interests in common, how good I was for her, etc etc. I was getting 3-4 of these notes every week! This went on for over a month.

Gradually she started accusing me of various things she alleged that I had done, which was actually her belief in some form of mild rejection behavior on my part. These accusations were unwarranted. Several times I said it was probably a misunderstanding, that I had no intention of rejecting her.

I know that she was not getting mental health help, nor was her husband. Finally, I said on the phone that she needed to get some help with her paranoia. She hung up on me, and that was the last time we ever had contact. We had been friends for over 3 years. I now consider those 3 years to be a waste of time.

A similar thing happened with another friend, who I met at my Yoga class. I'll call her "A". She told me she has bipolar disorder, which was okay by me because I have other friends who have that diagnosis, take care of themselves well, and we've been friends for many years. But this new friend (3 years ago) complained a lot. She was on-again-off-again about everybody, except me. Although I realized that I was her only friend as far as I could tell, I encouraged her to join a group, or get a large network of friends. For months I recommended this. She called and emailed me way too much, and expected me to respond right away. I explained to her that I was not having enough time to see my boyfriend, my sister, and other of my friends. I..e I was trying to be polite, not blast out my objectsions, by making suggestions. Finally, I'd had too much and wrote an email to her that asked if we could please do give and take, and not to write or call each other till the other one had approached by calling or writing. I.e. not to call or email until the other person responded. She wrote back and said that she totally understood. Well, she'd stopped coming to yoga for some time due to other commitments. One day she said she was coming to yoga. I said "Great! Let's have lunch. I'm bringing a sandwich." She agreed to have lunch, but said she might not bring anything to eat. To make a long story shorter, she turned on me! She started screaming at me, and said, "I will NEVER, EVER call or email you again!" (Is it okay to use all caps here for emphasis?) I said simply, "Bye, A." I got up and walked away from the table. She followed me around the senior dining room, yelling at me, saying "You were honest with me, now you have to listen to me be honest with you!" She started hurling insults at me. I ignored her, as I looked for another place to sit. I was contemplating leaving the building, but she finally left. "Whew!" I thought. That's sure over! I was not hurt. I was very, very angry. Sure, I should have realized that "I'd be next" on her list of people who she believed had treated her badly. But in both these cases, I'd spent 3 years in what appeared to be friendship, then both these women turned on me.

There was also another woman, but I won't get into that. It wasn't a lengthy friendship.

How can I avoid getting into a friendship like this in the future? In each case, I believed I had a friend. What are the red flags, early on, so I can avoid people like that? These women were on "good behavior" for a long time before they started on their weirdness.

Moved to a better forum for your questions, Synergy42. Please Private Message me if you have any questions about that.

Hi Ada, Is this location the forum/place where you moved my post to? (Or is my post and maybe some replies somewhere else in the Forums?) I have not received any replies except for yours. Maybe my post is too long....

Hey OP

People with mental disorders will react unpredictably sometimes (even more so than the ones without that is)

I couldnt tell you what are the red flags etc simply cause they can be too many to list, and depend on the person's dx and personality

You should probably make friendships with people who are far in their therapy and can lead a stable life - you said you have some friends like that

Make sure you have good personal boundaries and try to listen to your instincts...if something feels wrong it probably is

The rest is pretty much just pure luck...

Dear Im-Pure. Thanks for responding. Good ideas! I guess I will need to trust my instincts earlier on when I meet a new friend. The woman I wrote about was in therapy and had meds for many decades. But she was not in therapy when I met her. I recommended a good therapist I know, and she started going to him. At first she was very happy with his therapy, she told me that. Then, she started trashing him, alternating with happiness with him. That's probably when I should have bailed. I also heard her talking about "how much he is doing for me," and I think she was really taking advantage of his good will because she had high kidney problems b/c of taking Lithium for decades. So he was assisting her with finding help with that. I mean MAJORLY assisting her -- I think it very likely he was putting in a lot of his own time on her. Still, she complained about him. Why, oh, why, did I not say to myself, "I'm next" on her blast list, which is what she ultimately did. Oh, well, she's gone from my life now.