Boyfriend might have Asperger's?

I was having lunch with a friend a few months ago and explaining some of the struggles my boyfriend and I had been having. She asked me if I thought he might have Asperger's. As a teacher, she's had several students over the years with Asperger's, and her nephew has it as well.

At first I thought no. Sure he's got some social anxiety and is a little different but Asperger's? No.

Of course, the thought stuck in my mind and with the difficulties we continue to have, I've started to seriously consider it. She and I met again last week, and we talked about it a little more in depth. And of course, I immediately came online to do some research.

And now I'm beyond confused. I can't tell if he has Asperger's or if he's just an asshole or just incredibly socially inept and immature. Then I found these boards so I thought I'd ask for some help before I even think about broaching the subject with him.

Here's my long story:

We started out long distance. And I couldn't believe how amazing this guy was. Anytime I described him to anyone, I always said how sweet and loving and open he was. That he was so open, I didn't know what to do with myself. We talked for hours on the phone every night even though both of us said at the beginning how much we didn't like talking on the phone. Lots of texting. Lots of Facebook.

We came to visit each other about 4 times in a 6 month period. I wanted to see if when we were together if we were on the same page. He was loving and affectionate. We held hands. Cuddled on the couch. Lots of sex. We gave each other compliments. Talked about why and how much we loved each other. And talked about everything and anything. Seemed to be on the same page about almost everything.

We decided we wanted to be together so he was going to move out to where I was. However, where I lived is WAY more expensive than where he lives. So we decided it made more sense for me to move to where he is.

I stepped off the plane about 7 months ago (I moved in with him), and it's like I've been in a parallel universe since then. My loving, sweet, and incredibly open boyfriend became distant, closed-off and mean.

The first 3 months I was looking for a job. There was a lot of financial stress. And I didn't have a car. So all I had to do was worry. Worry about finding work. Worry about getting a car. And then worry about my relationship. Why is my boyfriend so different? What happened to the guy who said he wanted to marry me? Why, when he actually does look at me now, does he stare at me with dead eyes? Did I just move across the country to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me?

After 3 months of mostly struggle, we broke up. He said he didn't love me anymore and that he didn't think our relationship was worth working on. Despite the fact that we agreed relationships require work, he said he was hoping it was going to work itself out which I found baffling. Turns out, he thought my getting a job was how it was going to work itself out. Well, I did get a job two days after we broke up so we decided to try again.

That was about 4 months ago. It's been pretty up and down since then. Affection is pretty much gone. When I do try to get a kiss or a hug, I either get a look of disgust or like I'm crazy. He told me once that I was the first girlfriend he had where holding hands went past the first date.

He gets close, he pulls away. He starts to get sweet again, he pulls away. Our anniversary was a couple months ago. I was gonna see if he was going to acknowledge it. From what I understand of his last girlfriend, he didn't and it all went downhill from there with her. He got me a card. It was 4 days early, and he said he had to guess on the date but he did remember. I wanted to see if he was invested. I can't tell from his behavior anymore. And I didn't want to be THAT girl pushing about the anniversary.

We started talking again. The first 3 months, aside from the necessary, he wouldn't talk to me. I just got a lot of blank stares. So far it all sounds like pretty much run of the mill, the guy just lost interest.

But here's why my friend thinks it might be Asperger's:

*He is somewhat resistant to change. For instance, when I moved in he had 1 fork, 1 knife, and 1 spoon. So I bought some flatware. Rather than use the new flatware I bought, he would use his 1 spoon and wash it to use again. He didn't start using the new flatware until about 3 or 4 months in. And it was very gradual. I recently bought new towels. It's been a month and he still uses and washes this one towel over and over rather than use the new towels.

*When I try to talk about feelings or our relationship, he has a pretty negative response to it. He acts like it's the most absurd thing in the world OR he tells me I'm weird. There's nothing like being vulnerable and then being told you're weird. Of course, this is IF he even acknowledges the fact that I'm talking. I get ignored a lot. But one time, I was focused on figuring something out for him and didn't hear him asking me a question. He angrily told me that he didn't appreciate being ignored. When I apologized for ignoring him, he ignored me.

*The few times I've needed to vent or had something happen that I needed to talk about, once I'm done he says nothing. For example, last week I had some issues at work and my manager wanted to talk about my attitude. Problems with a demanding boss, feeling lonely and worried about my relationship, car trouble, I was being a little negative at work. My boyfriend was in a fairly good mood, and then asked me why I was acting weird. I told him about what happened. He didn't look at me. Didn't talk to me. Didn't even acknowledge me. And then went on to be pissed off about his own $#%^. Like PISSED off. So I listened to him rant and rave for a bit about his own stuff. Then an hour or so later decided I wasn't going to let my work troubles ruin my weekend. And that yes, I was being a bit negative and would work on it. I told him and then suddenly he was ok and back to not being angry.

*He turns me down for sex a lot. It's been sporadic since I moved here but now has been about a month. A couple times he's said my touching him felt weird or tickled. It's hard to have sex with someone and not touch them.

*Our first date, he couldn't make eye contact. He kept staring around my head. But by the end of the night, he was fine with eye contact. He even initiated the first kiss.

*He sleeps like a corpse with clenched fists. Sometimes he angrily tells me to stop kicking him because it's waking him up but I haven't touched him at all.

*Despite loving his family, he can't seem to understand or gets angry because they have their own issues.

*His facial expressions don't often match his moods. When he does smile, it seems forced or fake.

*He's a collector. Once he gets into something, he's INTO it. But as sudden as he started, he'll be done with something.

*His grandfather, also a collector and a hoarder, was recently diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. He's been told his whole life he's just like his grandfather.

*He self-medicates.

*The other morning, I woke up right at the time he was supposed to be at work but being groggy was a little confused myself. I woke him up and he got angry because he was confused. He couldn't figure out what was going on. He was angry and yelling. Also blaming me. Later he apologized for being angry but not for blaming me.

*In one of our first discussions after I moved here, I very calmly said that I would appreciate it if he would ask me how my day was. (He never asked me about my day once I moved in). He got really angry that I would ask that, saying he couldn't believe that I would think he didn't care. He did start inconsistently asking but now he's stopped altogether.

*We don't do a lot socially but when we have, he stands awkwardly. Lots of scanning the crowd with a look like he's trying to look comfortable but he's not. Sometimes he'll try to talk to someone but he doesn't seem to know how to work into a conversation or the appropriate time to join a conversation.

*He met my mom and sisters the other day. We had lunch with them. He knew it was coming up for a few weeks and was great with everyone. The dry sense of humor I love came out. He was personable. But when we were done eating and everyone wanted to keep hanging out, we decided on a nearby coffeeshop. And in the car, he was upset about the day continuing. It was like being with a bratty kid. Didn't understand why after not seeing my sister for a year, we'd all want to keep vising for another hour or so. So at the coffeeshop, he kind of stopped talking.

*He is a teacher's assistant. There's a boy at the school that the other teachers have started calling his son because they favor each other so much. The boy has Asperger's.

There's more but this is already so long. I first I thought he was just being a typical guy. Or that his baggage was showing up, verbally abused by parents, consistently treated poorly by past girlfriends.

But now I'm starting to seriously consider the Asperger's thing and not sure where to go from here. How to approach it. If I even should... If he's just an asshole, I'm done. There's no reason to put up with poor treatment. But if it's Asperger's, I think I can work with that. It's just so confusing.

OK. I'll stop for now. Thanks so much for any help and/or insight anyone might have to give!

Thought I'd mention that we are both 40. Not sure if that makes a difference. He's mentioned every other possible ailment he's ever had so I'm pretty sure if he knew he had Asperger's he would have told me by now. So I'm assuming if he does have it, it's undiagnosed.

I've also considered a lot of possibilities, narcissism, bi-polar disorder, he's just fallen out of love with me. All of the above?

I have dated a man with Aspergers briefly and recently one with NPD and your post reminded me more of the narcissist. I will write more later, just wanted to throw that out there.

My Aspie ex was a lovely person, just socially awkward. I can't really see him deceive anyone into thinking that he loves them and then treat them like your guy does. I can absolutely see it with my NPD ex.

PS: I also don't believe you should put up with bad treatment for any reason. Even if there is a reason beyond his control (does not sound like it from the way you two started out), you should not subject yourself to that. You deserve so much better.

Thank you for your responses Monali!

Yes, I agree nobody should put up with bad treatment. I just am questioning whether he even knows what he's doing.

If he's undiagnosed Asperger's, then he could have been doing what he thought was what people do when "wooing" me? I read somewhere on some site that that has happened before in a similar situation.

Also if he's undiagnosed, I wonder how that manifests itself in day-to-day living. I've kind of started trying to find info about that.

I don't know. There's so much going on that feels beyond him just being really bad a relationships.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story.

If anyone has any insight or words of advice, I'd very much appreciate it.

I have worked professionally with children and adults with autism and Aspergers and my best friend growing up had a brother with Aspergers.

I cannot give any professional information here. However I can say that since your boyfriend's behaviour fluctuates, Aspergers is unlikely to explain the bad behaviour. If he has difficulty with social behaviour due to Aspergers, then he would have that difficulty constantly. The way the relationship started was quite different from his poor behaviour toward you. Aspergers can't turn it on and off.

Also, whether or not someone is an arsehole is not linked to a diagnosis of aspergers. Some people with aspergers may also be arseholes, some people with aspergers are very sweet.

Honestly I think he is not good to you. You deserve better. Stop trying to pin his bad behaviour on a diagnosis. You don't need to forgive and tolerate it. I made such a mistake for the first seven years of my adulthood and I allowed someone to treat me badly because "I understood him".

In working with children with Aspergers I find that some of my teacher colleagues start to think themselves the experts on Aspergers. They are not DIAGNOSTIC experts. They know how to work with the kids but I have found that many teachers develop the "Dunning-Kruger syndrome" where a little knowledge about Aspergers makes them think they know how to diagnose. And with this false confidence they start seeing Aspergers everywhere. Everything they hear relates to Aspergers.

Unforunately your teacher friend is not the correct professional to be giving diagnostic advice. It is mere speculation. I don't think anything she said is clear-cut evidence for Aspergers.

But that's just my opinion in a nonprofessional capacity.

HollyAnne wrote:*He turns me down for sex a lot. It's been sporadic since I moved here but now has been about a month. A couple times he's said my touching him felt weird or tickled. It's hard to have sex with someone and not touch them.

I've toootally said that. I have touch aversion to strangers and used to with girlfriends too. It was hit or miss when I was gonna be okay with touching. He seems to be the same.

IMO, your suspicion is spot-on. I've been diagnosed with AS for 13 years, so I've done own research on it. And when I see people with more traits than I have, I catch on too.

You're obviously looking for a shrapnel to hold on to if you're posting here--that, or you're just curious to see if your suspicion is right. If you really feel you love him and want to try and accept him for his disorder and find ways to work around obstacles, then maybe you can suggest medication. Maybe he has ADD like me, where the vacant look comes from zoning out and exhaustion. I've been told by a girlfriend that I zone out while driving and she hates it. I've been told by another that I never listen to her.

I hate not being able to want to be affectionate and have sex too, or go out and do what my SO wants and make her happy. For that, anti-anxiety meds and antidepressants work indefinitely.

I feel like this post could have been written about me by someone who doesn't understand my behaviors and wouldn't have worked out with me when I was younger. It really hurts when people either fight or belittle me for things that I was totally comfortable doing but they intensely dislike it. Like when he didn't want to stay at lunch that one day. I totally have a meter of "social time" that runs out and if I try to overstay it's extremely uncomfortable and I might start getting upset and it's obvious and humiliating, so I leave to avoid that at all costs. I want my alone time sometimes and ask my SO if I can leave and she says yes, of course. And I calm down and take a panic med so that I can function as I planned to and come back when I'm ready.

This may be able to totally help him if he's willing. But if he's so rigid to get what he wants, then yes, that might make him an asshole.