My father has DD, should he attend my wedding?

Hey all, new here, and mainly because of an upcoming potential disaster.

My father has DD. He has seen a psychiatrist who told my mother that he likely has DD, but has never been fully diagnosed and treated because of his unwillingness, as I am led to believe is very common among those with DD. From his stories, we believe it is a mixture of persecutory, grandiose, and jealousy. So much so that a couple years after that diagnosis, my parents were divorced (approximately 5-6 years ago). My mother has since remarried, and is healthy, and has offered any and all help in the situation with my father, and my step-father has offered to remain in the background throughout the wedding if that would help.

This issue resides with my father however. He will not admit to anything directly to me. I know his stories, I've heard them in the past, and know of all night road trips to Texas (Involving his stories) and so on and so forth. However, when I brought it up he insisted that it is my wedding, and he will "be good" and not do anything to ruin the day.

My brother demands that I not allow my father to come, as that is another result of this damning disease, that he will not see my mother, and will not come to my wedding because of it. He is worried because my wedding will take place in Maryland (Close to my fiance's family), while I am from Nebraska. He worries that my father will have an episode during the flight and wind up in custody or worse, and that will continue to spiral him into a poor situation, and that his current situation of having a boring job for 50 hours a week, and a house and dog to come home to keeps him in a routine.

I believe all of that makes sense, my issue is, would it be worse to his condition to ask him not to come? Would that cause the jealousy side to be even worse, as in, jealousy that my mom and stepdad were able to come, but that he wasn't?

I guess I'm just asking for some opinions. It's been a very tough few months, even though I've been preparing for this for a couple years now, knowing that I would marry soon, and knowing that something like this would happen, but I still don't know what the right thing to do is.

Any and all thoughts would be appreciated.

Brandon

HI Brandon - I mirrored this thread into our Significant Others, Family & Friends Forum. It will appear in both places.

Otter.

Hi Brandon,

You present a wedding dilemma with similar but not exact circumstances to the wedding of a friend of mine whose mother was an alcoholic known to wreck the party, whatever it was. The bride's mother, namely, could never stay sober for just a few hours for her daughter's sake. We all held our breaths (I was one of several wedding members) and the mother, tipsy as she was, managed not to draw a lot of attention to herself during the ceremony.. But the minute she started to let loose during the reception, several wedding members (groomsmen) and relatives, who were cued in on the mother's proclivity for acting out while drunk, quickly escorted her out of the reception back to her hotel room. Once there, she insisted on going to the hotel bar to order more drinks, then the group moved the rowdy woman back to her room and her brother took over to make sure he got his sister on a flight home. The bride originally didn't want her mother at the wedding but knew she'd be pissed if not invited and would show up anyway to create a scene-- so my friend anticipated this scenario and arranged with her fiance's groomsmen and several relatives to head her mother off if she got drunk and started acting out during their special day.

Can't really give you much advice here, but can only give an example of what advance planning can do should you invite your disordered father to your special day. Btw, your bro shouldn't use the father, if he's invited, as an excuse to not attend your wedding. One has to remember it's a disease, not the person himself, that causes the distress, stress and embarrassment. No family is immune from all mental disorders, addictions, and diseases. If you invite your father, this will probably entail more planning and stress on your part, but it can be done thoughtfully if you wish your father's presence. It's also understandable if you don't want to invite him, not wanting to add more stress to what is a stressful but blessed event. Good luck!

If you decide to invite your father, is there a relative support person that could go with him? if he has to catch a plane, be there at airport etc.
Its difficult situation for many people, PD or not, to attend a family function when one ex spouse comes along with their parnter and the other is still single.
I agree with Reality here, lots of good points in that post, if your dad comes it is not a reason that your brother shouldn't come, its kinda 'if he comes and may spoil your day, then I won't come and I'll spoil your day".
Maybe dad can just come for the wedding part and not the reception, that would be a 'compromise', as long as he has someone who will leave with him and he is not 'the only one excluded'.
This avoids the alcohol risk if there is one.
Its your wedding day, remember that it is indeed just a day, and the marriage afterwards is the important part.
Many people have disasterous weddings (just have to look on youtube), so try not to worry too much.
Make your decision and stick to it, if he is not to come, explain that though it may upset him short term, the risk that he acts out may do long term damage and you value your relationship with him too much for that and wouldn't like it to spoil long term future, grandkids etc.
So either way, do it in a calm manner.
good luck.