What do narcissists do when they aren't really interested?

Romeo111 wrote:@ The narcissist. I wrote in plenty of my posts that I had diagnosed myself with npd and worked on it already to get a healthy side of narcissism.
While you and many other undermine this with heaving no self awareness means either 1. you do not appreciate anyone's opinion but your owns or 2. you do not read what I write but read what you want to read?
Anyway, you get personal and so do many others.

I have only read what you have written in this thread. You might consider adding " 'healed pwNPD traits' & recovered victim of pwBPD" to your signature below so those who didn't catch your other posts know your slant. We don't all hover of every word you say.

Your posts all (most) feel very argumentative, I was going to let it go but Violet called you out so I thought I'd have some fun too.
I do not take posts here personally. Usually a post like yours if it starts to irritate me I chose not to read the rest of it. However I make an exception for you because you engaged me. Since I chose to respond I carefully read every word you said before I wrote anything, I am dyslexic so it is possible I mis-read something but I don't miss much.

You are still irritating (and defensive). I am hypersensitive in certain ways (goes along with having NPD) but I am willing to guess even nons will find what you wrote irritating.
I am not really worked up though. I am up playing my emotions here a bit for the fun of the thread. For me this is amusing.
I am nicer in real life than here. I show my NPD (both good and bad) here for other to see and learn from, also because I like to have somewhere I do not have to conform like the outside world.

Hate against women? Yes ofc. that must be it. Why didn't I think of it in the first place?

Good you understand! Although it seems to be more hate of women with PDs, but there is some general asymmetrical slant towards all women in your writing.

You must be a moderator and / or healthy yourself to tell that oh wait. If that is all you got, then congratulations you have won your silly mind game

Nope not a moderator, mostly healthy, and did you lose a game to me? I don't remember starting one. But cool if you say I won than I dig it
SERIOUSLY though... you should try to look at all things as WIN-WIN not WIN-LOSE (or LOSE-LOSE like pwBPD are pros at...) Try to avoid looking at things as competitions.

don't be so narrow minded The narcissist.

I'm an extrovert, I say my theories and see what others think about them, and come up with new theories. I am always tweaking them. I am never 100% sure of anything I say here, and always read and consider feed back.

As once you break up with a bpd your narcissism turns into a disorder automatically, until that broken heart gets healed. My current wonderful gf is accomplishing it. Healing a broken heart is not an easy task my "friends".

NO!... That's not how NPD forms! An ex doesn't give you NPD. You had that before you went in. A BPD may bring it out more, but she didn't put it there.
You need to understand this and not blame your ex!

I know how traumatic having a BPD GF is but that is not what made me have NPD. It started to develop from when I was born and it developed over my life time.


NOTE: Do not take what I am writing too seriously. Some of it is serious but a lot of it is just friendly teasing (or meant to be...)

I applaud you for being open minded and trying to work on yourself.

I raised my voice probably out of fear and hurt. It wasn't due to not getting sex. If fact, I wasn't expecting it until it was flaunted in front of me so extravagantly. I was expecting a couple of days of getting to know each other and seeing where it would go. I lost my patience and raised my voice because she shut down and wouldn't communicate with me. If she had said, "Hey, I'm just not ready for this" or "I thought I wanted this but now I know that I don't" there would have at least been some dialog and we could carry on however it was meant to be...

Instead.... It was total shut down and alienation. It unnerved me. I wanted to know what was going on and why it was happening. "What's wrong? What did I do? Is it someone else? Why won't you talk to me?" After the effort I had put into trying to get to know her, I felt I was owed at least that much. She obviously didn't feel it was necessary to talk and tell me her truth. That is what pissed me off.

Remember. I wasn't pushing myself on her trying to get my rocks off. I was willing to be as patient as I needed to be. But when the woman you want leads you on and flaunts herself, then shuts down and won't give you the time of day.... Well.... It really bothered the 23 year old me. I agree with a prior point that said something along the lines of people will find any excuse to reject you if they are not really into you.

Which begs the question... If she wasn't interested in me, why the hell were we there that night?

troublebruin wrote: I was willing to be as patient as I needed to be. But when the woman you want leads you on and flaunts herself, then shuts down and won't give you the time of day.... Well.... It really bothered the 23 year old me. I agree with a prior point that said something along the lines of people will find any excuse to reject you if they are not really into you.

Which begs the questions... If she wasn't interested in me, why the hell were we there that night?

Well from this post you seem like a good guy. And She was playing weird games. Still doesn't seem like she has NPD, although possible. There are plenty other possibilities. Something that comes to mind (a long shot but would explain it) is DID (Multiple personalities). PSTD, BPD, and many other things are possible. Doesn't matter what it is. Stay away from her, sounds like she is trouble.

It human to get upset so I don't blame you.

Romeo111 wrote:EDIT: I should stop talking about my current girlfriend, because 1. people get jealous and hateful or 2. they think i put her on a pedestal. So here is another "self-awareness"

hmm... ? Why would we be jealous? I am truthfully happy you currently have a nice girlfriend. If she rich, beautiful, famous, good in bed, and has the best personality on the planet.
Then CONGRATS!! I mean that! (no sarcasm.)
And nothing wrong with you putting an SO on a pedestal. That's a good thing! And should be done to a certain extent.

Seems you still see everything as a competition...

Well then if it makes you feel better I have changed my opinion to much closer to yours about the OP in that I think he is closer to the normal guy and she is the one with bigger issues.
If you want to consider that a WIN-LOSE, then ok, but much better if you see it as a WIN-WIN.

troublebruin wrote:I've read that narcissists will lovebomb you to gain your attention. But I have a question about this one woman that I tried to get to know many years ago. Getting to know her, she would blow hot and cold, influence people's opinion of me behind my back, tease, and generally play head games. Eventually I got tired of the games and I turned away. Once that happened she asked me if I'd like to meet up while we were both visiting a foreign country (separately) after college.

If this woman did indeed have a cluster B personality, here is how I would interpret your situation. You mentioned that if anything You have a codependent personality. You must have been physically attracted by this woman, who was probably quite a looker. She obviously picked up on you being awestruck by her beauty, and this was the key to hook you into being a loyal source for providing admiration, adulation, or whatever else she needed to have her ego stoked.

The whole blowing hot and cold, is just away to condition you. One day she makes you feel like your the most irresistible man on earth. She will flirt with you, stirring your desire. She might mention that things aren't going well with her current love interest, and make it seem like she might be available. The next day, you don't even exist. Your invisible, left wondering what you did wrong. You keep scratching your head trying to figure out what you might have said or done. She's in your head, and that's where she wanted to be all along, and still seems to be.

The mind games are all of the same package. She's zoomed in on your potential to supply her, and decided to invest her precious time in you. The end game is to control you. Make you her pawn, use and abuse you, and ultimately ruin you.

You got tired of the games, and turned away. That's a major No No in this woman's mind. You became a threat to expose her, and she responded by planting seeds in other people's minds about you. In essence you are not to be taken seriously.

Time passes, she's bored, your still around, and she decided to take another kick at the can. Added bonus, she gets to travel with someone that could be useful to her on this trip. That could be anything ranging from paying for stuff, protecting her, carrying her bags etc.

The true test to know if you are dealing with a cluster B, is that some where along this whole journey, she would have tried to evoke your pity somehow. The end result is that you become more malleable if you have your guard down, feeling sorry for her.

troublebruin wrote:We did. We got a hotel room. She became aggressively flirtatious to the point that she was half naked in the bed and aroused. But once I reached for her, she shut down as if I had violated her. No words. No discussion. Really strange. I became agitated and raised my voice asking pointed questions about what went wrong, but no physicality or verbal abuse. I just rolled over and went to bed. The next morning she was dressed and ready to go when I awoke. Still no communication. I became angry and stormed off as she was refusing to speak to me and I had seen enough for so long. As I was walking away I looked over to see her storming off angrily as well. I mean, wtf. Why are you angry? You're the one messing with my head.

Teasing and taunting, making you want her so bad that you would do anything for her. It isn't the sex that gets her off, it's having someone that can't resist her. Makes her feel powerfull. She wants you to be subservient, and extreme flirting, without the intention of having sex, was her way of putting a carrot on a stick.

I think you surprised her when you made her move. She probably had you pegged as someone who wouldn't have the guts to try. She then turned it around to make you feel guilty, for not being able to contain yourself. It can't be anything but your fault. You were treated to a slice of the silent treatment. Giving you time to think, maybe even convince yourself that you were at fault, and ultimately wanting you to apologize. She wanted you to admit that YOU acted inappropriately, and that you would do anything to make it up to her. Good thing you didn't, cause there is nothing that you could do that would ever be good enough.

troublebruin wrote:So my question is about how that would fit into narcissism. Was I the guy she wasn't really all that interested in? If so, why might she agree to meet in a foreign land in the first place? Do narcissists use people like that when they don't have any real designs on them. That episode was always really strange to me. I have just always wondered.

In her mind, there are only objects to be used for personal gratification. When opportunity knocks, no one is off limits if it means bettering her situation. In between, it's a cat and mouse game, sometimes played just for amusement. You will never win ... ever if you play games with this type of a person. The odds are stacked against you. The only outcome is lots of pain. Thank your luck stars, that you managed to escape.

The Narcissist wrote:That's not how NPD forms! An ex doesn't give you NPD. You had that before you went in.

I agree with you that raising one's voice in complaint at a half naked woman in bed is not going to lead to sex in many cases or communication at all.

And also about this quote, indeed what you write is technically correct. I have my own pet theory -- which is that relationships with disordered people can induce traits of personality disorders in people who had not manifested them to this degree before. I know I was acting in particularly dysfunctional and disordered ways for awhile that is not normally characteristic of me but obviously was in my repertoire at the time.

I think to some degree PDs are contagious this way.

Thank you Rocky71. Thank you very much. A detailed response like yours really helps. You took the time to read it, understand it, reflect, and elaborate. I am greatly appreciative. I really did care for this person. That is why it bothers me to this day. Now I think I can understand it and can lay it to rest.

I am reasonably certain that she has used N triangulation and N smear tactics against me. So if she is not full blown NPD, she has some strong tendencies.

-- Wed Jan 07, 2015 6:31 pm --

Thank you to Romeo111 too. You get me and my experience.

The amount of 'mind-reading' -- assuming to know the thoughts and motivations of someone else, people one has never met, of which only few words are written -- that goes on is mind boggling to me. Maybe I am the odd duck, though, maybe I am more doubtful, or skeptical than most --

I mean it could be right on the mark, and it could be a load of bull for that particular person.

Nice Analysis Rocky!

You have my vote as the most plausible explanation.

Think this is kinda what you were trying to say to Romeo.

freyja wrote: I have my own pet theory -- which is that relationships with disordered people can induce traits of personality disorders in people who had not manifested them to this degree before.
I think to some degree PDs are contagious this way.

Agree. You can become somewhat jaded after a relationship with a pw a PD.
This will not be be near as pervasive or long-lasting as actually having an actual PD though.
A survivor of a NPD SO can become be rather suspicious of their next SO they try to date. As survivor of a pwBPD can walk on eggshells around everyone for a while. Every relationship will mold and shape you can ones with pwPDs even more than normal ones.

Rocky's post hits many things right on the nose. I'm not saying that I acted perfectly. If I could do it over again I would have been more level headed and more patient. But I was young and emotional. I think every situation requires two to tango. If any of the work that I had put in the previous year meant anything to her, then I think she would have at least spoken to me. I deserved that much. Hell, I probably would have loved for her to raise her voice at me. It would have meant she gave a sh*t about something. Instead I got a whole lot of nothing.