My Story

My story

I'm the previous partner of a person recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder & Bipolar Disorder. I am 26(M) while she is 22. This is my story.

I've known, let's call her J, since Jul 2011. Met while she was in a brief relationship with my cousin. Really clicked and skyped for hours each day sometimes despite being at opposite sides of our country. Met once and it was amazing. Best long distance friends, could share anything and everything, no judgement. She was in a part of her life where nothing was going right, boyfriends leaving, no stable employment, extreme substance abuse, promiscuousness. I've never overlooked these traits, and accepted that she is troubled by something unknown.

She was given up at birth by her mother, and raised by her aunty and uncle, who she calls her mother and father, though expressing a desire to find her biological father. Her “father” is part of the same bloodline as her biological mother, and they all share some sort of mental disorder in their lives. Her father had an incredibly terrible past, sent to mental institutions for years at a time, cannot work, and generally snaps every now and again and takes it out on anyone in his path. He deals with his emotions/thoughts by escaping to another house that the family owns. It has no doubt taken a huge toll on J's upbringing and own mental health as J lives and continues to live in the family house. The mother cheated on the father with one of J's best friends, D, and possibly other men as well. J takes the stress of her parents behaviour out on herself. She feels the need to protect them from themselves, so she lives at home. J's best friend L cheated on D, the same person that had sex with J's mother previously, with J's brother, K, who at the time was in a committed relationship of over 6 years that had all sorts of problems. J was left with drama, pain, confusion of right/wrong, and suffering.

I was J's partner of over a year and a half. I moved cities and moved in with J and her family, sharing a room. I knew a little history about the family before moving. I witnessed J's fathers emotional fits at his spouse and how J got very upset, silent, angry, and would cry and stand by the door, almost childlike as this has been going on since she was a child. I comforted J after these fits were over, as there was no way to pull her or distract her from these common moments.

J has had problems with alcohol. In our relationships beginning, she and I drank together, and all was fine. When she drank around other people, she seemed to lose self control. There was a few instances that I learned of that scared me. One was a Linkin Park concert, where she drank so much, that even before the concert started, she lost control in the womens bathroom, cutting herself and spilling blood everywhere, and eventually the police showed up, to which she physically fought them before being thrown in jail overnight. The second instance of alcohol abuse and loss of control was a night out drinking with her best friend L. J wanted to leave but L wouldn't let her so they drunkenly fought, where L was sitting on top of J, the two yelling at each other, eventually J ran off, cut herself quite badly, and members of the public called the police on her. She was send to hospital. I was woken up by J's mother, saying J was in the hospital, so I went there, saw J hungover and still in what I like to call her “raw emotional state” where she tried to blame me for her predicament. I was frightened by seeing the nurse stitch up her huge gashing wounds, and hurt that she tried to blame things on me. So when she wanted to hug me after leaving the hospital together, I refused. We eventually broke the silence when we got home, and I confessed to not being able to handle it or express my love in such situations. After this event, J gave up alcohol on her own accord, there were times when we drank together, but only one glass, and she was well behaved.

In terms of therapy, before having me as a partner, J had never seen a therapist or councillor before. She was seeing her first councillor in mid 2013, to which I drove her, picked her up from, walked to, walked back from. Until one day she rationalized that it cost too much money to continue, so she refused the help despite the councillor calling her multiple times. Things were good, albeit the issue with the hospital as previously mentioned were major cause of concern. She was in denial of problems she faced. I was the loving partner that was always there for her, to comfort or offer advice, or offer distraction, or understanding. In January 2014, she lost her stable job of over a year and a half. The week and possibly month before losing her job, she “knew” something bad was going to happen, her boss was a dragon lady, didn't like her despite her putting an amazing effort into her job. J took 4 days off “sick” one week prior to her redundancy, but she wasn't sick in the sense of physically ill, she lost the willpower to get out of bed, to look after herself. I was shocked when she came home and told me she got fired. Loving and supportive, and told her to look to the future, she could do anything she wanted, it was a terrible thing but she can get another job soon.

One week after losing her job, J and I went on a planned vacation to my familys house (where I moved from). She has been there before, and loves the place and my family very much, often wishing it was her own family. The vacation was nice, summer, beaches, relaxation. J was given about $2000 after losing her job, to which she vowed to put into her bank account and buy a car as soon as we got back home. In our vacation, she lost control of her spending, wasting that money on nice food at restaurants, shopping for gifts for other people. The money didn't mean all that much to her, and I didn't control her spending of it, just pointed out that it wasn't a good idea, and that I would pay instead so she could keep her money. Momentary happiness, but it made her depressed when she saw an empty bank account when we returned home. I note that in this vacation, J and her best friend L had a TXT fight and were no longer friends. L was her only proper friend at that stage, and she lost her job, and friend in the same time frame.

When we came back from vacation, J found it hard to look for a job, with no direction she applied and was interviewed for a clothing store job, to which she never received a reply. She gave up hope for rebuilding her life at this stage. I was the only stable thing in her life, willing to go through, and support her through anything, not in a “give her money, buy her things” way, but in a loving, supporting, independent way. Soon after this failing, she received therapy from another clinic. She appointments she went to alone, were once every two weeks, and free. J was on the unemployment benefit and still living at her parents with me. Now, J has never been abusive to me, never had a reason to. I am not a man that keeps secrets or lies, and I have had partners in the past with similar imbalances and conditions.

The behavioural changes started gradually. She “stole” her mums car and sped down the highway at night, I never lectured her or told her mother, and to my knowledge she only did that once, said it felt good, don't know why she did it, just had to get away. She “stole” my car as well and shopped for valentines day presents for me, and general shopping for her. She doesn't have a licence to drive alone and I told her never again to use my car without my permission as she could crash, or incur damage or fines for her. She then spent about 4 months spending mostly every cent she had on going shopping at the local mall and second hand shops. She brought lots of craft work things, and made really beautiful things with them. Very creative things, I never stood in the way of that, I got frustrated at coming home to a room where you couldn't see the floor, while she was busy glueing or painting things, there was little to no reasoning like there had been before. Even arguing didn't help. She was in a state of decline whilst receiving counselling, she lost motivation to socialize, see movies, go places, do things. All she wanted to do was stay in our room, make it a huge mess, make amazing things, and see me at work any chance she got. It was harmless so I let it slide, and tried to encourage good clean behaviour by cleaning my mess regularly. I got frustrated at the mess, but never took it out on her hobby. Trying to use logic and reasoning was getting me nowhere. I rode the behaviour out thinking that counselling would help in the long term. Her behaviour got more “intense”, she began to go dumpster diving late at night, mostly for the thrill of finding treasure, but also because she ran out of money to spend. She used my car unknowingly to travel to places that would take too long to walk to. Often I would wake up at 3am with a cold leg brushed against me, and a cold arm wrapped around me. When we talked about it, she admitted to doing craft work downstairs so as not to bother me and my full-time regular schedule. At times, she went walking the streets at night, which aren't so dangerous, but she attracted taxi drivers at times concerned for her. Her behaviour got unpredictable, but she was still herself, trying to cope with so much loss, and counselling bringing up so much of her troubled past, was too much for her.

She ran away for a week, didn't tell me where, I was very worried, she told me not to worry. That I needed to trust her. That she was safe. I poked and prodded everyone, it was not unusual for her to do this every couple years. In 2011 she hitch-hiked up the country just to see me, her life was terrible at that point and alcohol was a huge factor, I refused and sent her to a motel then she got a ride down to home. J running away was nothing new to me, I was simply the loving, caring, worrying partner. Her Facebook was left open, she just up and left. I made a mistake by going onto her facebook and reading messages, messaging the latest people she talked to, trying to find out if they had seen her or had any clue where she was. I found out things, like in the beginning of the year, she messaged old friends asking if they thought of her sexually, the reason why she did this, was in my mind, because our sex life dropped due to stress of the declining behaviour. It turns out that she was with L, her old best friend that she didn't talk to for 4 months at that stage. L told J that if she told anybody where she was, she would be kicked out. Noticeably I was very worried about her and didn't know where she was, I rung and rung, txted and txted, and finally got through to her, saying I need to know where she is, i'm worried and she needs to come home. She told me where she was, I offered to come pick her up, she said if I do, she'd call the police. It startled me, I guess her behaviour with L was so bad that she was out of control of her emotions and was “splitting”. Hours later I received a txt “I'm with mum, I'm coming home to you. I love you and I will always be here for you. I only want you and I have no Ill intentions ever and I trust myself to trust you. I love you see you when we at mum and dads soon”. She came home into our room, and I burst into tears, she consoled me saying that she needed to run away, she needed to test herself, and that she was sorry that I got hurt.

A week or two went by, and I got more involved in the counselling, I started walking her there, making sure she went. Even took days off work just to go with her. I made her comfortable before walking to the appointment, and waited patiently during the appointment, and had a good time afterwards, taking her mind off it. One of the final appointments that we went to, she begged me to walk her to, usually I volunteered because it coincided with my regular days off. The night before the revealed to me sexual abuse in childhood, the details were unclear but it was a female friend who made J do things in order to be friends with her. Of course I took the day off work in a hurry, my boss being very understanding that I needed to support my partner through a troubling time. She revealed it to her counsellor, and I was brought into the end of the session (had been in a few sessions with J at this stage) because she was very distressed and uncontrollably crying. They thought respite care was the best for her, so we went home, and next thing I knew, a car was on it's way for J. J was unaware of the things, “out of it” I call it. The only emotion I could describe it would be fear. I helped her pack a few things, it was a rainy late afternoon and I walked her to the end of the driveway, they took much longer than anticipated and J was getting nervous and anxious. We stood under an umbrella in the rain and I took her mind off things until the car arrived and she very willingly got inside. It was a nerve-wrecking 6 days without her, without knowing if she was ok or not. I was distraught, tried my best to hold myself together, went to work, played video games, drank.

The respite care team gave J's mother a call while I was just getting home from work, J was on her way home. I thought it was a little suspicious that she was just let go, but I was so happy for her to return home I didn't question anything. I comforted her, not talking much about respite care out of respect. We went to an appointment a few days later where I learned that J had been forcefully discharged from the respite care for barricading herself in the bathroom, breaking a window, stealing small items from the home, and cutting herself. The police were involved, once she calmed down she was having a good time with the police. It was clear to me that she needed further support and care. The workers at the clinic were in a position that they needed to ramp up support for J. J's behaviour after she got back from respite was very out of control. She got a tattoo, which I was shocked and cried initially, knowing that it was part of behaviour that was out of control, but I actually really like the tattoo, finding it sexy, and have always had a thing for them, myself wanting one. She apparently 'met' someone in respite care, “broke up” with me in the morning, arranged him to come over and pick her up to have coffee. After finding him, M, on Facebook, and chatting to him, he is a good guy. He spent 90% of the time telling her that she made a mistake, I was a great, loving supportive guy, and that she needs to stop being childish and continue her help. She came onto him with childish attempts at seduction which ultimately failed. She came home and we were together again, well, we never really broke up. The best information I could find, was that she was obsessed with him because he “understood” her, because he was at respite care with similar mental health issues and she must have thought that because I didn't understand, that I was nothing to her. So she admitted her mistake, and we pressed on with counselling. Her behaviour continued, not the secretive things, just the spending of money and making of craftwork. Her emotions however, were all over the place, she was angry, sad, happy, hyper. She was singing loudly her favourite songs so no one could get a word in, talking over the top of people who were trying their best to understand and help, it was a nightmare to live with. She was suicidal, my guess is because of the lack of control, she wanted to end it all because she was hurting the people she loved.

One night in particular, she felt best to sleep on the couch in the living room, so as to not disturb me. I'll say at this point, that she was on very strong anti-depressants, and strong sleeping pills. I was awoken at 3am by a crying J, and her cellphone pushed in my face. It was the emergency line, asking to talk to me. They asked me if she was safe, and that she told them she was going to kill her father, I told them that she was very distressed but I needed to wake up her mother. It was at this point where J stood infront of the door and told me not to wake them up. I must say I handled the situation quite well, I was calm, my voice was very calm, but I needed to make action happen. I approached J and “bear hugged” her and flipped her onto the bed. She screamed bloody murder whilst on the phone to the police, like I had just stabbed or raped her. It woke up the whole house, to which made J cry uncontrollably and run downstairs. We all sat and talked with her, telling her that she needs to control herself if she is to live here. Her father yelled at her but it actually seemed to get through to her, she eventually went to bed while I was the one who had to sleep on the couch, I couldn't sleep though. I knew my mistake by touching someone in such an emotional state, her eyes were very dilated and I could tell it was some sort of seizure.

The next day, J told pretty much everyone she knew and was talking to, that I assaulted her. That I picked her up, slapped her, grabbed her hard, threw her onto the ground. Now, I'm not the strongest of guys, and my J isn't the smallest of women, I can't lift her. My “bear hug and flip” technique was not aggressive at all from my perspective, she basically collapsed on the bed. I got questions from my friends, our friends, my family, not labelling me as the bad guy, because everyone knows who I am and what I am capable of, a true pacifist, never slapped anybody or fought with anybody in my entire life. So everyone was quite understanding when I told them roughly of the situation with J. It was at this stage that I was labelled as “black”, as in, she couldn't be taught reason, and tried to blame me and tell me that I blacked out, beat her, and was trying to cover it up. I defended myself against a delusion.

So a few days later, J had an appointment again at the clinic, it was the last time I'd ever go. J's mother and I were home, and J was very angry at her mother, singing loudly, very distressed even by herself, changing clothes very often. Very controlling. She wouldn't let me and her mother go upstairs to our room because she didn't “trust “ us. Her appointment was nearing and she got worse so I had to call the crisis line and let them know that she is violent, they could hear her screaming the house down, and singing loudly. Time was ticking, the appointment time at 1pm was nearing. J was very controlling, in that she wouldn't let J's mother drive us all to the appointment because she couldn't trust us, she insisted on driving the ute, though it is a manual and she doesn't know how to drive and was in no state to drive. Eventually me and J's mother said “###$ it, how do you want to go, we'd better go now” and we walked to the appointment. J marched us down the road yelling abuse at us all the way, in public, we told her to stop, me and J's mother infront, like there was some sort of invisible leash attached to us, she couldn't let us out of her sight. She dawdled behind and eventually got further and further away, talking to random passer-bys on the way, which we learned was trying to point out that we were crazy and dangerous and out to get J. Very paranoid. She crossed busy traffic a few times, to which we had to call J's brother to pick her up, whilst his friend picked me and J's mother up. We got to the appointment finally. Hooray. Success. Me, J, J's mother, and two doctors all crammed into a small room. J was shaking, very nervous but sitting and talking with us, she tried blaming me and her mother on everything, saying we need respite care and help etc. Convincing herself that she didn't have a problem, she was very worked up. I thought they were going to give her the “shot” to calm her down, or take her away to hospital right then and there. Instead, she was given a strong sleeping pill and sent home, while they figured out what to do with her.

I couldn't live with an out of control person trying to control me, tell me that I couldn't go upstairs or out of her sight, so I got my lovely sister to travel 4.5 hours and pick me up, and take me back up to my family place for a week. Rang my work and told them of the situation, personal emergency. Took holiday days. I was naïve in thinking that removing myself from the equation would help J's situation, it was still the same even without me there. And it was very difficult for me to be away from someone suffering, she poked out a few times and tried her best to tell me that she loved me and needed me to be strong whilst I was away, never begging me to come home or anything like that. No Push/pull. Only that she was scared that I would leave her, to which I tried to explain why I had to leave for a week, and I was coming back, love her very much, wouldn't ever give up on her and hopefully she would see me as me again once I got back.

So I came back with my mother, and when we entered, J was under the impression that I was moving out, that she was 100% certain that I was moving out and that we were over. She repeated the phrase “if you love someone, let them go, if they return, they're yours, if they don't, they never were”. So I got some clothes and my work gear, and stayed with my mother at another family members house for 2 days. I was shocked that J was pushing me away, but more shocked that she was adamant about it in such a way that was clear. It was hard to chew. There was still an entire room of memories, belongings, and clothes that were intact, the process would take a while. So I called the clinic, told them of the things that I've seen, and requested immediate action. They told me that it wasn't an overnight change and that hospitilization was a last resort. Being close to J, I knew that she needed it, I knew that it was the only way, that it would give her sanity back. My mother who J treats like her own, talked to the clinic crisis team and offered her own mature opinions for 15 minutes, they listened to her. J called the police on herself twice in a day, and at 1pm that day, I was to get my belongings because I had to find a place to life very fast. When I got there, two clinic cars, with 4 “nurses” were standing outside our residence with paperwork, I knew what decision would be made. Either voluntary or involuntary hospitalization. They told me to stay away and have no contact while they were admitting her, so me and my mother went to lunch. I was very distraut, J's mother was very distraut. It was a stressful situation. I saw J leave with the clinical team and she didn't seem worked up, angry or anything, more of a slight saddness, and brokenness is what I saw.

She was in hospital for 3 weeks, then respite care for another week and a half, I couldn't stop txting her my support and love, and how proud I was of her, that was my mistake, I didn't let go. It no doubt reinforced the “black” image of me, I was simply distressed with my own situation (moving out, finding a new place) and her situation. It was very tough to get messages that told me to go away, and I tried to tell her that she loves me and I would be waiting till she got out, and that I would never give up on her, I don't blame her for any of the things shes done. Nothing worked, I sought advice from friends and they all told me the same thing, no contact, just wait. I couldn't listen to this advice, I was distraught at my loving partner losing her mind, being declared temporarily insane, I had some comfort knowing that she was in a hospital environment and safe. But I was nervous that she would never love me, she txted me things like that she has never loved me, etc. Talking to my ex with similar condition revealed that I should not take things personally, that words like that no matter how hurtful, are just said out of control or to push someone you love away whilst you are hurting. So I didn't contact J for the last 5 days of her stay. I learned that she was out and back at home (I had found a place 2 streets away) when she posted a status on Facebook saying she had a lot of $#%^ to work out.

The next day, I'm at work, and I get a phone call from J, She said hi, I said hi, in a normal voice but with a slight “covering up” of emotion that only a loving partner would pick up on. She burst into tears and couldn't handle her emotions, said she was left at home alone and couldn't do it anymore, I took this to be suicidal and I asked her calmly what does she need. She said, I need you. I said I'm at work, I can call your mother to come back home and she said ok. I tried to get her to breathe and calm down, before I called her mother and notified her of the situation. Now, I'm not the kind of guy to go running, but this was a special situation, my boss asked who called and I told him of the situation and he told me he'd cover for me and to go, it's serious and I'm the closest person to the house. Everything I speak of is in walking distance, less than 1Km away. My new place, Her place, My work. So here I am, running down the road, and I encounter J's father getting into the car at the local dairy store, he said that she was fine when he left and was mad that he couldn't leave her alone. From the time of leaving to her being in a suicidal distressed state, was about 20 minutes. When I got there, she was shocked at me, asked why am I here, I said because you needed me. She told me I looked older, lost a lot of weight, was that really me? She was bothered by the environment, the fence felt like it was closing her in, the light was piercing her eyes, the trees were mocking her, it was surreal. I quickly calmed her down as i'm the best at doing, we had a lovely conversation about things that she was seeing, she told me she couldn't see me, that my face was foreign, that she could only see herself in the reflection of my glasses. I tried to understand. It was at that point when her mother got home, came outside where we were sitting, and got mad at her, told her “why is he here, you told him that you're over!” “you can't be like this every day, it's putting stress on all of us”. I was quite mad at her mother, but stayed silent because I didn't want to elevate the situation. Almost immediately, J went from calm and cool with me, to angry, distressed and emotional. I had to go back to work, and I suggested that J get out of the house and go have lunch, go to the library and chill out.

Later that night, she told me to come over, so I went back over. It was difficult seeing our room with nothing of mine in it. We talked calmly, she was distressed by light, but we had a lovely conversation and I assured her that things would get better, day by day, and that she doesn't need to worry about her relationship with me, let's put it on hold for now, focus on yourself but keep contact with me. She called me superman. The light was making her more distressed so she turned all the lights off. It was like magic, this person who was “rambling” on about things that I couldn't understand, meaning in things that I couldn't see, this shaking, distressed person. Vanished. When the light was turned off, it was like I was talking to my partner again. She told me that she can't control what she says or does, that seeing things makes her feel things she can't control. It was eye opening to me, it blew my mind how simply turning off light as a stimulus could help someone clear their head. We got intimate, cuddled, she told me she doesn't think she has a heartbeat, do I have a heartbeat? And listened to it, she was amazed that I was alive. We got more intimate and eventually had sex. When the time came to take her new medicine, she became distressed again, she took it, and like clockwork, in her pill diary, forgot if she took it, I told her yes, you just took it. Then she began to repeat, and write, the words: Dont lie, dont lie, dont lay down to die. It was freaky from my perspective, like her mind was telling her something, coming onto the paper, and then in a moment of clarity, she understood what her mind was trying to say. So I had to walk back to my place, I assured her why I needed to go and I was coming back tomorrow if she would like me to, she begged me not to go, I told her I wasn't abandoning her at all, that everything is fine and to go to sleep. This same process happened on the second night that she got out of hospital as well.

The third, fourth, firth, and sixth days were hell. She wouldn't make contact with me, was quite secretive and untrustworthy, I wanted to see her, for her to talk to me, I guess I was quite needy. To put it in perspective from my point of view, I was without the J that I knew for 2 months at that stage, and was overwhelmed that at least in part, she was there again. Not that it was only her “good” side, but that she was willing to talk about things with me. I couldn't handle no contact and told her this. She was quite mean, in spite of my loving needyness. I couldn't handle not knowing if she was fine, so I had to stick with no contact until she contacted me. So after a few days, she turned up at my work. It was like a ghost, startled me. Her face was red, eyes dilated, and she wanted to “have an adult talk over coffee” right away, I told her I get off work in two hours, that she'd need to fill in the time at the store across the road or find something to do. So she went off, my coworkers all know that she is my partner, she was “worked up” by them, by the many customers at my work, by the music. Everything. She was dancing around the store, “freaking” people out she says. When I eventually got off work, she was very worked up and I told her I'm not going to talk with her until she's calm, so I told her to go home and calm down. She said are you mad at me? To which I responded no, I can't have a conversation with you like this. She got a bit angry, sat on my doorstep and wouldn't go, so I eventually told her, you need to go! Just go! I even resorted to saying ###$ Off to her from behind the window of the lounge, i had to raise my voice to say it, and that was the only time I raised my voice in my whole 3 years of knowing her, 1.5 years of being in a relationship. It hurt me to treat her like that, in retrospect, I should have let her cool off on her own and just walk away from the situation. She got very angry and told me I'd better come get my stuff from her place otherwise it'd get destroyed. She yelled at me in public so loud people down the street looked at us, I didn't yell at her at all, just told her she was out of control and that i'd come around and get my stuff if it was bothering her so much. So I walked on one side of the street, and she walked on the other. I got to my former place and asked J's father where the stuff was, he didn't know, so I went up to our room and I noticed some things like a magazine and onezie, it was then that J got home and yelled at me to come downstairs, yelled at me to go. I said where's the stuff that's bothering you, she said in the driveway. So I go downstairs, albeit much yelling, and my belongings are nicely boxed up and labelled and sitting in the driveway, J's mother takes me home with my boxes.

I handled the situation so poorly, I felt I had no choice at all. I realize in retrospect, that she was simply trying to communicate but didn't know how. I felt like $#%^. How could I handle it so poorly? It was at that point where J's mother told me she was diagnosed with BPD and bipolar disorder. And to leave her alone, let her have space, and to educate myself on it if I wanted to resume our relationship. So I did. And fast forward three weeks, J is still not contacting me. I hear from mutual friends that she has gone from furious anger at me, to admitting blame on both parties, but not feeling angry towards me. I keep trying to let mutual friends tell her that I haven't given up on her, will never give up on her. Will never give up on us. Will always be there for her no matter what. I guess I just feel I need to apologise for being ignorant and uninformed, and want her back. I am taking very slow steps. We share a common night where a few friends of ours watch anime (japanese cartoons). She was there last Thursday, things were a little awkward. There was no talk of the past, or future, or us. Just purely on anime and the movies we've seen recentlly. The show on TV must have struck a little close to home, with the main character cheating on a game, and seeing illusions. J was sitting on the couch behind me and was talking throughout the show. Things like the sky is so pretty, the relationship of objects and characters and such things that no one else could see. I've always loved her unique perspective on things, and we had a great night enjoying something we love. But we weren't together. I could tell she was trying her best to cope, and she did quite well, I'm proud of her. I could tell that she has very strong feelings for me, she “avoided” eye contact with me, despite laughing at my jokes and joining in. I sensed a great guilt, or shame from her that night. And I wanted desperately to tell her that I love her, am sorry for handling things poorly, for not being educated, and that I'd never abandon her or leave her. Our relationship has always been in sickness and in health. Throughout this process, she has not said that I am not good enough, or anything that would happen in a usual break up, to anybody including me. I believe that she is fighting her “messed up” head and doesn't want to tarnish my image further by causing me stress, what she doesn't know or maybe she does, is that all I want to do is talk with her and tell her I love, care, will never give up on her, and have accepted her for who she is, even if she doesn't know who she is.

I hope things work themselves out, I hope that she isn't sleeping with anyone else, or trying to fill a void left by me, I hope she isn't trying to meet someone else. I hope that she is getting her thoughts in order, staying positive, working towards getting a job, keeping up therapy, and strengthening her mental self in order to finally have a proper conversation with me. All I can do is give her space, wait, and continue to go to anime night and create positive experiences with me, and eventually she will realise that I'm not “black”, I'm just a guy that was fighting something that we both didn't know existed that was plaguing someone I love. She is a very lovely girl, she has her ups and downs.

That is my story, I will update it with more information in the coming weeks/months. Thank you for reading. If you have any advice, please let me know