why does ex...

first off i firmly believe ex is NPD/BPD/HPD....a little of everything....with also possible bipolar disorder

so basically we dated for 2.5 years....things began to unravel...at which point in the last 4 months i offered mutal outs...offered friendship and whatever....we tried to stick it out....basically she told me i could not say or do something i did quite frequently during that period....so the last month i came to realize she was basically detaching(realized after)...and then in the last 2 weeks i realized she had told her immediate family that she was done with us(after i said the thing again)....but did not end relationship....continued to act as if everything was as normal as she possibly could....then when it happened again it was the final act of misconduct and she could end it.....feeling as if it was kind of my fault i left her an expensive piece of furniture i had purchased for us awhile back....then i realized when she started dating someone a week after i was gone...i had realized what had happened....and of course i was not pleased and went off......i realize this how people with disorders do things....its all good i can accept it....we have no contact....blocked on fb or whatever....

heres what annoys me though slightly.....even though we are on very bad terms personally she still insists on commenting on my relatives/friends fb stuff....she commented on my cousins stuff like 3-4 times in the last week and half or so....she does not know that i know about this...but i do....and i just wonder what it is that makes her do this....im guessing she just wants to continue to act like miss good two shoes and the saint she thinks she is.....but i still have a hard time understanding what the point of that would be...it would be just as easy to move on and just ignore their posts....not like im expecting her to harbor any ill will towards them and delete them...but it would be just as easy to ignore it and move along...its been a year and a half now.....perhaps maybe im just the stupid one...and maybe she is just being nice and friendly....

Overanxious,dont pay attention to what she is doing on relatives and other friends facebook walls.Maybe she figures you are still looking to see what she is doing,or figures they will tell you,and she is fishing for a reaction.Also is she is histrionic,they have a way of hanging on to people as a supply,and also make more out of relationships then what really exists.Someone they know vaugely,they will act like is their best friend.The other person obviously doesnt feel that way.In due time,if she isnt getting the attention or reaction she is looking for,she will ultimately quit posting on their walls,and go fishing elsewhere.Did you just delete her as a FB friend?If you blocked her neither of you should see her or your posts.Best advice I can give is move on.Dont look for anything on her.You will just adgitate yourself and upset yourself more.And about exes...They are exes because things werent going right.Good luck and take care.Im sure happier days will be ahead for you.Sorry for what you had to go through....xx

overanxious wrote:first off i firmly believe ex is NPD/BPD/HPD....a little of everything....with also possible bipolar disorder

From "The psychodynamics of borderline personality disorder: A view from developmental psychopathology" by REBEKAH BRADLEY and DREW WESTEN, Emory University

"As hypothesized clinically,
BPD is also associated with a lower capacity for emotional investment in relationships
(i.e., a tendency to focus on the gratification, security, or benefits others provide)"

overanxious wrote:heres what annoys me though slightly.....even though we are on very bad terms personally she still insists on commenting on my relatives/friends fb stuff....she commented on my cousins stuff like 3-4 times in the last week and half or so....she does not know that i know about this...but i do....and i just wonder what it is that makes her do this....im guessing she just wants to continue to act like miss good two shoes and the saint she thinks she is.....but i still have a hard time understanding what the point of that would be...it would be just as easy to move on and just ignore their posts....not like im expecting her to harbor any ill will towards them and delete them...but it would be just as easy to ignore it and move along...its been a year and a half now.....

What benefits does she get from commenting on your relatives/friends fb stuff...?
Well... your relatives/friends do not send her comments together with her-dear-self to hell
== she is not rejected == she is accepted == she is special and entitled to special treatment...
If you ask me, that may be interpreted as gratifying and beneficial...

Has it ever occurred to her... that her commenting on your relatives/friends fb stuff...
might be affecting your relatives/friends and you... in some unpleasant way... ?
meh...
a tendency to focus on the gratification, security, or benefits others provide to her
is not
a tendency to focus on the gratification, security, or benefits she provides to others...

overanxious wrote:perhaps maybe im just the stupid one...and maybe she is just being nice and friendly....

my answer is no... and no...


Forgive her... it is just her "lower capacity"...

starbright333 wrote:Overanxious,dont pay attention to what she is doing on relatives and other friends facebook walls.Maybe she figures you are still looking to see what she is doing,or figures they will tell you,and she is fishing for a reaction.Also is she is histrionic,they have a way of hanging on to people as a supply,and also make more out of relationships then what really exists.Someone they know vaugely,they will act like is their best friend.The other person obviously doesnt feel that way.In due time,if she isnt getting the attention or reaction she is looking for,she will ultimately quit posting on their walls,and go fishing elsewhere.Did you just delete her as a FB friend?If you blocked her neither of you should see her or your posts.Best advice I can give is move on.Dont look for anything on her.You will just adgitate yourself and upset yourself more.And about exes...They are exes because things werent going right.Good luck and take care.Im sure happier days will be ahead for you.Sorry for what you had to go through....xx

thanks for the reply. good insight there.

i dunno if shes histrionic. but id say she has several charcatersistics of HPD/BPD/NPD at a high level. so you are probably right about making more out of relationships than what really exists and acting like theres more there than what there really is. its not like im looking for someone to say "she still cares about you/loves you/thinks about you". i just find it strange. this girl has 1200 fb friends and knows them all in some way. theres plenty of other supply out there.

again today. my cousin got admitted to the hospital .nothing life threatning/serious. so his sister makes a post about. and she likes the post and comments "whats going on with (insert his nickname here"? just strange....youd think shed just kinda breeze by everything pertaining to me.

overanxious wrote:again today. my cousin got admitted to the hospital .nothing life threatning/serious. so his sister makes a post about. and she likes the post and comments "whats going on with (insert his nickname here"? just strange....youd think shed just kinda breeze by everything pertaining to me.

I currently am dealing with a histrionic ex and she has me blocked on fb and twitter and refuses any contact with me whatsoever, which I am fine with on some level, but it concerns me that she does this based on the fact that she's pregnant with my child. However, I do not block her from my fb or twitter accounts, and I know for a fact that she watches everything I post still. That's despite the fact that she is currently "with" another man who she is madly in love with (which she said after 3 weeks of "dating") and who she believes is her "other half". Histrionic behavior is very puzzling for normal people. I'm still wrapping my head around it. She wants contact with me desperately, but she'll cut that contact off at her own choosing because she thinks it gets under my skin when she avoids me. But when I avoid her, she makes contact on her own again, usually over something trivial and unimportant, just to keep some connection alive.

In my opinion it's a control thing. If you avoid her behavior and she finds other ways to keep you in her reach, she may very well be histrionic. And you have to make a decision to either assert yourself and set boundaries if you want to keep her in your life, or cut all ties if you don't.

SaintJimmy wrote:

overanxious wrote:again today. my cousin got admitted to the hospital .nothing life threatning/serious. so his sister makes a post about. and she likes the post and comments "whats going on with (insert his nickname here"? just strange....youd think shed just kinda breeze by everything pertaining to me.

I currently am dealing with a histrionic ex and she has me blocked on fb and twitter and refuses any contact with me whatsoever, which I am fine with on some level, but it concerns me that she does this based on the fact that she's pregnant with my child. However, I do not block her from my fb or twitter accounts, and I know for a fact that she watches everything I post still. That's despite the fact that she is currently "with" another man who she is madly in love with (which she said after 3 weeks of "dating") and who she believes is her "other half". Histrionic behavior is very puzzling for normal people. I'm still wrapping my head around it. She wants contact with me desperately, but she'll cut that contact off at her own choosing because she thinks it gets under my skin when she avoids me. But when I avoid her, she makes contact on her own again, usually over something trivial and unimportant, just to keep some connection alive.

In my opinion it's a control thing. If you avoid her behavior and she finds other ways to keep you in her reach, she may very well be histrionic. And you have to make a decision to either assert yourself and set boundaries if you want to keep her in your life, or cut all ties if you don't.

i dont really care if shes in my life or not...in fact we are blocked on fb and have no contact...but im aware that she makes these comments(she most likely has no idea that i know)...

the reason she avoids contact is because she knows what she did was wrong...part of her does...the other part had justified it in her head so she could do whatever she wanted....she knows i know and ive confronted her about it along time ago...and she still denied things and tried to cover everything up....even after i gave her several opportunities to walk away clean and come to me and tell me it wasnt working for her anymore....and she chose this avenue.

she was dating a new guy a week after we broke up and i had left....but tried to make it appear spontaneous....and dont you know(at the time we were still fb friends) she would post the same exact quotes, from music or anywhere else, about love that she posted when we first started dating....when i was photographed with another girl on a night out 3 weeks after we broke up she deleted our two mutual friends who posted them and went off on me about her.....

i guess the thing that irks me...isnt all that crap...its just like...its been a year and half now....dont act all sweet and caring about my family.....you have your life now just go be in it....you obviously didnt/dont care enough about me to be honest and do things in a mature way....stop trying to be all sweet and caring towards my family members....you dont have to delete them but just go about your business as if they dont really exist.....

overanxious wrote:i dont really care if shes in my life or not...in fact we are blocked on fb and have no contact...but im aware that she makes these comments(she most likely has no idea that i know)...

If she is histrionic, she's looking for attention. She'll make comments anywhere for the chance that someone will acknowledge her. Doesn't matter to her if it's appropriate or not. That doesn't enter her thought process.

overanxious wrote:the reason she avoids contact is because she knows what she did was wrong...part of her does...the other part had justified it in her head so she could do whatever she wanted....she knows i know and ive confronted her about it along time ago...and she still denied things and tried to cover everything up....even after i gave her several opportunities to walk away clean and come to me and tell me it wasnt working for her anymore....and she chose this avenue.

My ex did this as well. She had a chance to walk away clean, yet chose to try to carry on a relationship with another man while still living with me. When I caught her, she still denied everything. It wasn't until I showed her my proof that she changed her tune. And then it was rage. She hated that she got caught and went straight into no contact mode. I had kicked her out of the house, and when she realized she wasn't going to be able to manipulate me anymore, she was done with me. She tells her friends and family now that she left me.

overanxious wrote:she was dating a new guy a week after we broke up and i had left....but tried to make it appear spontaneous....and dont you know(at the time we were still fb friends) she would post the same exact quotes, from music or anywhere else, about love that she posted when we first started dating....when i was photographed with another girl on a night out 3 weeks after we broke up she deleted our two mutual friends who posted them and went off on me about her.....

I've seen this too. She of course was seeing the other guy before I kicked her out. About 6 weeks later, I take another woman to New Orleans with me for a weekend and my ex found out. I had offered her some money about a week before I took that trip to cover her doctor's visits (she's pregnant) and she refused it. On my way back from New Orleans she texts me with "So you don't want to pay to support your child, but you can spend money to go party in New Orleans with some skank?" I don't know if all histrionics are like this, but I found my ex to be extremely possessive of me. Even after it was over, despite all rationality. It was no longer her business who or what I was doing, but she got upset over it.

overanxious wrote:i guess the thing that irks me...isnt all that crap...its just like...its been a year and half now....dont act all sweet and caring about my family.....you have your life now just go be in it....you obviously didnt/dont care enough about me to be honest and do things in a mature way....stop trying to be all sweet and caring towards my family members....you dont have to delete them but just go about your business as if they dont really exist.....

The best thing you and your family can do is ignore her. If she is histrionic, then that will get under her skin more than anything else. The worst thing that could happen is if you or someone in your family confronted her and asked her to stop commenting. If that happens, she just got exactly what she wanted. I would tell your family to just quietly block her from their Facebook. If they don't want her to know she's blocked, just put her on the restricted list. This actually works better that blocking in my opinion, because she still sees your page and can be "friends" with you, but she won't see anything you post.

Or, if her comments aren't attracting any attention or stirring up any drama, just let it go. Let her comment all she wants. It's whatever.