Is there any way to "reach" a BPD person about budgeting?

My BPD H is awful with money. He'll tell me that he's going to give me $XXXX when he gets his next paycheck, and then that comes and he can't. It's because he spends money on himself first.

My income pays for our rental properties, his income is supposed to support us. But, he blows too much money and then runs out before he can "share" with me.

Today he gave me a check for $800 thinking that he was being generous. I pointed out that $550 goes to our son (who H owed), $150 went to the vet for our dog, $100 went to the vet for our cat, so again...no money for me. None.

His brain is so fuzzy, that he hadn't "done the math" (even tho he has two degrees in math), to realize this.

I stopped lending him money because when he'd pay me back his fuzzy brain would process it as him giving me money for support. Ugh.

keep in mind that H earns 6 times what I earn. And, again, all my earnings go to our rentals. I have some money of my own from an inheritance, but I've been going thru that because he hasn't been supporting me on a regular basis. When we were separated and going thru divorce proceedings, I went many months w/o receiving a dime. I think once he found out how much he'd have to pay to support me thru wage garnishment freaked him out. lol

Anyway, I tried to bring this up today and he said that I was being a jerk. I want to have a budget so that he'll see in black and white that he can't be blowing money on stuff that we can't afford.

Has anyone had any success with money issues with a BPD person or is that hopeless?

littlearcher wrote:i'm unclear if the budgeting issue is related to bpd.

have you tried seeing a financial advisor. it might help to have someone impartial mediate and devise a plan for you to both stick to as it doesn't seem like you are having much luck on your own.

I've suggested that but H refuses. He knows he'd be exposed. Deep down I think he knows that he wastes money and know that an advisor would put him on an allowance. He is very resistant to any kind of "controls" or supervision. He doesn't even want me to see bank statements because then I'll comment on wasteful spending.

His father "taught" him to never be told what to do. His dad was the type that if you told him to "turn left", he would "turn right" just because he was "being told what to do." Seriously. One time we were in our car, and his dad put his brand new camera on the dashboard. I nicely told him that the camera wouldn't be safe there (because I know how H takes fast turns). His dad glared at me and told me that camera would be fine. within a few minutes, the camera went flying and broke into pieces. (ha ha...I still privately laugh about this years later. )

Yes, this is all part of the disorder. Not every BPD person would have this spending trait, but a good number of BPD/NPD people have trouble with money ....maybe because of impulsivity.

H also "forgets" what he's spent from day to day..which also causes over-spending. He'll think, "hmm, I can afford that. I haven't bought anything for awhile"...because he'll forget what he's just bought. One time he yelled at me when he saw (thru online banking) that $600 had been spent at X store the day before. I told him that I hadn't been in that store for 2 weeks. He called me a liar and started raging. Awhile later he realized that he had made the large purchase. Who the heck forgets a $600 purchase made 24 hours earlier? Of course he didn't apologize for calling me a liar or raging.

I have cut back as much as I can. so, now, any "extra" spending is his. So, when the subject comes up that we need to cut back more, the mentioned items are his.... and that makes him feel bad. However, I don't know what else to do. He'll say, "why don't you cut back"? and I'll say, I've already cut back. There's nothing left for me to cutback. I'm not buying clothes, not going out with friends, not spending on any hobbies, haven't been to a movie in 2 years. There's nothing else I can cut back on. He'll waste money on magazines (won't get a subscription, buys them singly), booze, pricey foods, energy drinks, hobbies, golf, gym membership, botox, etc. He even recently gave a plastic surgeon several thousand so he can have his "eyes done" to get rid of some wrinkles. (He does have strong NPD tendencies as well....NPD from his mom, BPD from his dad).

I cannot offer any advice but I wanted to say that I sympathize with your situation. I recently broke off a friendship with a BPD man because of his money issues or rather his insistence that I let him borrow money because he failed to budget. I think at a certain point people are set in their ways and will not change.