Friend misinterprets what I say; lashes out (Bipolar, BPD?)

Moved to SOFF by MOD as it's in reference to someone's possible disorder

Hey. I am feeling lost and quite overwhelmed. I know you can't diagnose online, but I want to be able to understand my friend. I thought she might be Bipolar, but I am starting to think she could have BPD.

I was dating this girl 5 months ago (same sex) and we hit it off instantly. But I noticed she started to be moody and would change from being super sad to extremely hyper. She also seemed very sensitive and completely misinterpreted things I'd say or my actions. For example, once I was very tired and stressed when I went to her house and she accused me of being rude and judgmental towards her housemates. But later calmed down and realised she had read too into my behaviour.

She then revealed to me that she has "mental issues" and is very hurt from a recent break up. And that she had a stormy relationship with her ex and they kept breaking up and getting back together. She also told me she used to be addicted to speed and had a recent emotional breakdown. Of course this wasn't good news to my ears. She didn't tell me what she was doing to help herself though.

But we agreed to go slowly. One night she told me she is bipolar and likes to "eat bricks". But then said she was joking. I remember thinking it was a weird joke! Not long after, she became more moody.

Anyway, we ended up having a fight 2 months ago and she then didn't want to see me. She kept flaking on me and saying she was "busy". And i was about to go overseas on holidays. She then said she wasn't ready for anything serious but still liked hanging with me. It was confusing but figured we could just be friends. Anyway, when I returned home- she messaged saying she misses me. I got annoyed and asked her why she avoided me and now misses me. She immediately lashed out and said she hadnt' avoided me and that I called her a "bipolar junkie" 2 months ago. I had only once referred to her bipolar joke SHE made about herself. So this was a lie and twisting of what I said.

She then told me I say "hurtful" things to her but couldn't give examples. And for one week we didn't speak. Then I tried to call her and she missed my call and told me she was just finishing off a project but hopes I am well and all smiley. It was odd how she seemed all chirpy now. And I called her the next night again and left a message saying I never meant to upset her and wanted to clear up I never called her a "bipolar junkie". I had to clear this up as it's serious to accuse someone of saying such to you.

She then lashed out again but over text saying "I thought we could be friends but you make me feel terrible and you keep insulting me and bringing up the bipolar thing. Your apology was even nasty. I don't need this. Goodbye".

I was stunned. I replied saying "huh? I tried to apologise and keep the peace. And also clear up I never called you bipolar. I don't understand this? How have I hurt you?"

Then she changed and said she didn't know what she meant by the insults but that I keep bringing up the "bipolar thing" even though it upsets her. She then said my "tone" is very abrupt and I make her feel like she's "always doing something wrong". I didn't get it and she ended by deleting me off Facebook and saying "Ok I'm f&cked. Goodbye".

I tried to ring her the next day as I was really upset. I left a message that was rather shakey as I was distressed and confused. I told her I never meant to hurt her and that I didn't understand how I had made her feel so upset and what am I missing here. And she then texted saying "I'm devastated I upset you. It wasn't my intention. I will call you this week. I've had a lot of wine and not at my most articulate".

I can't understand these extreme change in moods. It's like she lashes out and sees nastiness in things I say that isn't even there. She also twists my words to make it look like I insult her but afterwards seems to realise she made a mistake and feels bad.

I am actually quite fearful of her but I do care about her. So when she called me back, I decided not to take it. And I texted her saying I think we should not talk right now as I may unintentionally upset her and I don't want to do that. I added that I hope we can be friends one day and hope her week goes well.

Do you a) think this sounds like someone with BPD b) think she may now feel rejected by me suggesting we don't speak at the moment?

a) yes, it's possible and b) yes, if she has BPD, she will likely feel rejected and hurt.

are you thinking she has bpd (borderline personality disorder) OR bipolar disorder? her mania sounds bipolar but her reactions seem as if she's doing the push/pull/fear of abandonment bpd thing.

Idk, I think someone sometimes appears to misinterpret things I say but most of the time from my end it looks more like its coming from what they're imagining (I could have said nothing.) Maybe they think in reverse (inside>out instead of outside>in.)

Not sure what labels would really have to add to that issue.

I don't necessarily have the answers except trying that stuff about "being in the present moment and just observing everything else" because technically that can cancel out everything except unprocessed (subconscious) content, so what I know of that side of things is maybe about making the unconscious conscious, but that might not be the whole story for everyone - idk.

Thanks for your comments.

Well she hasn't replied to my text. I initially did want to talk to her on the phone but quite honestly, I fear I may say something innocent that might cause her to think I am insulting her! This is also about protecting myself.

But do BPDs realise afterwards that they overreact to things? Because she told me she is "devastated" she upset me and it " wasn't her intention". Is this her way of telling me she can't control her emotions and outbursts?

And is it common for BPDs to accuse you of insulting them?
She even accused me of "rehashing" the bipolar thing - when I actually was only correcting her that I never called her that.

it sounds like projection. Because she also told me my tone is harsh- yet she is the aggressive one who lashes out. I have been calm

Well, you might end up sometimes misinterpreting too if this kind of thing is going on. I know I've misinterpreted now and then and got defensive because someone has attacked me so much, I've just come to expect that behaviour from them even on the occassions when sometimes that wasn't what they were doing. So there can be projection, but there can also be reaction.

I suppose I am just hurt. :/

She told me it wasn't her intention to hurt me..

but then, she deleted me off facebook, accused me numerous times of saying something I didnt and raged at me after I apologised to her! And ruined my week and made me feel awful.

Is it also normal for BPDs to cut people out of their life over issues that are overblown?

I care about her but I'm worried that being friends with her may cause me grief. Should I contact her again in a week to see if she's ok? (Even though I didn't do anything I am still worried about her emotional state)

just to clarify again, you keep mentioning bipolar but bipolar disorder is NOT bpd. bpd is borderline personality disorder. which are you saying she has or are you thinking she not bipolar but bpd.

Sorry I will clarify.

My friend (or ex friend now) made a joke about herself a few months ago and said to me "I am bipolar and like to eat bricks".

This was a weird joke to me and I assumed she was saying it as 'code' for her liking drugs and having emotional issues. Because she had told me she used to do speed and nowadays does the odd joint.

So later on, she had said something to me that was like code and I used that above as an example of her speaking to me in code. So I referred to her own joke about herself.

And now she is saying that I actually called her a "Bipolar junkie". And she has thrown this at me several times in the past week. I keep having to clarify to her that I NEVER called her that and only referred to HER joke about herself.

But she won't get it. She maintains I called her that and is incredibly upset. And this is how the whole thing seems to have erupted. She has blown it out of the water and accusing me of something I did not call her.

I suspect she might have borderline personality disorder... this is just a suspicion I have. And I am really upset and I guess looking for insights as I haven't experienced someone like this before

-- Wed Nov 13, 2013 2:46 am --

I am still shaken by her rage the other day over text.

And also disturbed that she believes I insult her regularly and "make her feel terrible". Especially after I apologised to her (for our angry messaging a week earlier that wasn't all my fault).

She took my apology to be nasty.. when it wasn't at all.

And then she went on to say that "your tone is the hardest thing I have to protect myself from. You make me feel terrible. I thought we could be friends but you can't keep throwing insults at me and shroud it in an apology with more nastiness."

I have done nothing but try to reassure her that I never meant to hurt her.. that my apology was genuine and not nasty and that I am confused by what she is saying.


She now seems to have calmed down and said she's devastated that she upset me and she called me back. But I sent her a text saying it's probably best not to chat now and hopefully we can be friends one day.

I suspect she has taken this as a rejection. But I honestly don't know if I can cope with her