Planning For Your Safety, PRIOR to a Violent Incident

If you are involved with someone who has been violent in the past, you are the most safe if you assume they may be violent again. Taking some basic steps can increase the chances of safety for you, your children, and anyone else around you.

Taking these steps does NOT mean you are overreacting. You may feel "silly" planning for your safety if you are not in the middle of a current violent situation. It is NOT silly, it is wise. If you have children, it is simply being responsible.

Do not let yourself talk yourself out of paying attention to the past and to your gut. If you have been around violence or abuse, one of the things you have unfortunately learned is to put yourself down and to discount your feelings. You probably have also learned to be passive and to wait until danger is 'in your face' before you take action. These steps will help you move out of that reactive, passive stance into a safer, and more mature, healthy proactive orientation.

- Pay attention to the person's patterns of violence. Watch for signs of escalation and do not ignore them, hoping they will go away. They rarely do.

- Tell someone, anyone you trust even if you do not know them well, that you are in a potentially dangerous situation and may need their help in the future. Ask if you could drive to their place at any time of the day or night. Make sure you have their phone number. Try to memorize it, but also keep it written down and on your person at all times. Drive to their place both in the daylight and at night so you know the way ahead of time.

- If you sense or observe escalation of danger, try to get rid of all weapons in your home if this is safe to do.

- Teach your eldest child or someone living with you to phone 911 and give your address. Do your best to determine whether this is safe for your child to do if a violent incident is occurring. If you think it would put your child in danger, teach them to go to a safe neighbor or other place.

- Know the phone # for your local Safe House or Shelter. If you are in a violent situation, but not yet ready to use their services, call them anyway and ask about what they have to offer. You will feel more comfortable in the future calling again and will be more likely to wisely use what they can offer you.

- Consider alerting your employer. Ask to have a meeting to discuss how you want them to handle it should the violent person come to your workplace. Have a real meeting, not just a passing comment. Ask for a specific time to talk. Both of you should be seated, don't simply stand at someone's desk and talk. You will not be taken as seriously.

- Have items you would want during an escape from violence ready ahead of time. Always keep some money hidden, including coins for a pay phone. Have an extra set of car keys hidden. Have an extra set of house keys made. Have a lightweight bag of simple clothes for you and your children ready, including something warm if it is winter. Keep a list of important numbers, such as social security, bank accounts, insurance policies, driver's licenses, title to property, and so on. If you work outside the home, keep this list at your workplace. Keep copies of important documents there as well.

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f everything goes out of control, try to defuse the situation. Figure out what triggers the violence; plan for what you will do if he becomes violent, or if he finds out about part of your escape plan. In a pinch, give him what he wants, tell him what he wants to hear, but don’t believe any promises.

Try to decrease the odds on getting hurt. Get weapons out of the house (hide them or lock them up); don’t wear necklaces which he can use to choke you; avoid the kitchen or garage, and avoid places with no easy escape (bathroom). Figure out which windows you can escape from, and which doors you can lock behind you. Don’t go near the kids if things get out of control. Lock yourself in a room with a phone if possible; call 911 and get the dispatcher's name. Take a self-defense course. As a last resort, curl up in a corner with your arms on either side of your head, fingers intertwined.

Make it easier to get out. Plan and practice an escape route with the kids: windows, elevator, stairs, fire escapes. Pick two destinations -- public places, shelter, hospitals, stores, restaurants, friend’s homes, anything that is open 24/7, or has a pay phone. Keep your purse and keys handy; have extra keys in a magnetic box under your car bumper, and make duplicates of all essentials in your purse and stash them somewhere.

Get help. Set up a danger code involving a reference to a non-existent person (“Aunt Shirley called today” etc) so that children, friends, neighbors or co-workers can sound the alarm. If you can manage to call 911, get the names and badge numbers of dispatchers, responding officers, doctors and nurses, and make sure to tell them everything that happened, and have them document and photograph everything. This is essential for taking all this to court.

Find out whether the local police station is 24/7 – don’t run there if it’s closed!




Edit

I have made a copy of this thread from the Domestic Violence Forum as a useful resource. Some of the members who post in Significant Others have also experienced domestic violence. Violence is NEVER acceptable, and there is no excuse, even if your partner has a disorder. If your partner is violent, your first priority has to be your own safety. I am going to lock this topic because I feel it should stand as a topic in its own right. If you feel that you want to talk about your issues, you can do so in this forum or the Domestic Violence Forum, Please keep yourself safe.